you will have to excuse me...

its 2 in the morning...my girls just left after a night filled with tons of candles, sex in the city the complete series (we only got through the second season), greasy chips with french onion dip, salami (which i dont care for) cheese slices and wheat thins, an extrememly rich cheese danish, doughtnut holes and the best drinks i ever made...lets just say lots and lots of vodka, with a dash of sweet and sour mix and a tinge of lemonade....im feeling pretty good right now...clearly...i will be headed to the gym as soon as i wake up...

its been a good day off...my weekend was excellent, i am entertaining someone new in my life and dumb hasnt fallen out of his mouth yet...still slightly hiding behind my shell but giving as much of myself as i can considering ive only known him a little more than a week...

what is it about hanging out with your girls that always get you thinking about relationships? going back and forth, revealing the truths you usually keep to yourself...it feels good knowing that you can lay out your insecurities and vulnerablities to women who will hold you up and help you on your journey, no judgment..just outstretched arms and shoulders to lay your burdens and your tears...i havent had that since i left spelman in '03...love you drea and pru! wish we were all together now to experience the everyday growth...i love you both, you have always been in my corner and have always wanted the best for me...whether it was a nice pair of booty hugging jeans, or a loving man....even if he was crazy...

tonight i have been reading "for colored girls..." by ntozake shange...i should really have the whole thing memorized by now...and probably do...one of her "not-so-love" poems is stopping me tonight...its like im beginning to realize im not as strong as i think i am or wish to be...and maybe thats not such a bad thing...that whole strong back woman thing is played to the left...i am sitting in my vulnerability right now, and im dont feel bad about it or uncomfortable...fighting emotions is pointless...so im going to dwell in the fact that my feelings are on display right now and im not going to swallow them...im terrified...of liking someone...and thats okay...cause like my girl joan morgan says if some man drops the ball i can pick my ball back up and keep on stepping...it may hurt for awhile...but thats cool that just means im living...but who is to say that will happen? it may be one of the most beautifuul experiences in my life...and i will grow...and thats what life is about right? growing...loving...feeling...

did i mention the drinks i made tonight were bangin?

my cali girls are hurtin yall...and i dont know what to say to uplift them...i can only play tyler perry's "madea goes to jail" so many times before they tell me to shut it down...but im here with tissues and hugs and prayer...

this is what i got from ntozake tonight, this reminded me of our conversation:
"ive lost it
touch wit reality/i dont know who's doin it
i thot u waz but i waz so stupid i waz able to be hurt
& thats not real/not anymore/i shd be immune/if im
still alive & thats what i waz discussin/ how i am still
alive & my dependency on other livin beins for lov
i survive on intimacy & tomorrow/thats all ive got goin
& the music waz like smack & you knew abt that
& still refused my dance waz not enuf/& it waz all i had
but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of
soul & gender/ my love is too delicate to have thrown
back on my face"

sheeeshh..

video is blurry but you can make it out decently....


WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS PROFANE AND RACIAL

Michael Richards exploded in anger as he performed at a famous L.A. comedy club last Friday, hurling racial epithets that left the crowd gasping, and TMZ has obtained exclusive video of the ugly incident.

Richards, who played the wacky Cosmo Kramer on the hit TV show "Seinfeld," appeared onstage at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. It appears two guys, both African-American, were in the cheap seats playfully heckling Richards when suddenly, the comedian lost it.

The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass."

Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

The crowd is visibly and audibly confused and upset. Richards responds by saying, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

One of the men who was the object of Richard's tirade was outraged, shouting back "That's un-f***ing called for, ain't necessary."

After the three-minute tirade, it appears the majority of the audience members got up and left in disgust.

Attempts to reach Richards' reps were unsuccessful.
Link of Video here, i guess this is why there was not that many negros on Seinfield huh...
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1772645

QUESTION....

what da hell is wrong with O.J.?

something new...

you never know who you will run into in life that will make you think, inspire you or encourage you...

i was at the bar on thursday...cause that where the gang meet up to chill..relax and just goof off after work...i had my first bloody mary...and i liked it...
anyway...there was a guy there me and my girls met a few weeks ago one late night at denny's...him and his friend sat with us while we ate our greasy, fatty food at 3 sumthin a.m....well we saw him the other night at the bar and he was with a big group of guys...
the first time we met him he was grieving over the loss of his sister...she died of stomach cancer the second week in october...he spoke so highly of her, you could tell they were close and that he really missed her and was hurting...he was close to tears as we sat in the booth, my girl Marie said some real powerful things to him and it helped him put things into perspective...its funny the convos you have with people you dont know...and your words can help them move forward in their life..thats what Marie did that night...

so anyway he was at the bar the other night and he introduced us around to all of his friends...we had a good time joking, laughing, dancing to songs we picked out on the jukebox...
so i was standing next to one of his friends, this big guy with big tattoos on both arms and a bandanna tied around his bald head...i noticed he had a chain with a wedding band and ring on it..and i asked him about it..and as the words slipped from my mouth i realized this was the husband of our new friends sister...and that exactly what he said...he told me they were his wife's and she had died of stomach cancer...he said as soon as he found out she did not have long to live he asked her to marry him...they had a ceremony on oct. 1...but the paperwork wasnt filed until oct. 10...she died oct. 11...he said she died less than 24 hours after they were legally married...all i could do was give this man the biggest hug i could muster...his eyes had teared up just a little and i think he appreciated someone just listening to him...its funny how you see this big tough looking guy and he has the kindest, most sincere heart...he told me her son was taking it like a champ...

i have been thinking about this whole love thing lately...part of me is ready, another big part knows i still have a ways to go and many more things to learn before its time for me to give all of my heart to someone...and i really want to...i want to be in that place so bad..but its not my time yet..

but this man...his words touched me..he said that was the first woman he had ever loved..he told me that if he never falls in love again, the time he shared and the feelings she generated inside him when he was with her was worth all the pain he is going through now it because if only for a little while he got to feel what love felt like and what it felt like to have someone love him...

thats inspiring...you never know who you will meet on the street that will say something that you need...as my boy richy would say..thats journalism...you cant judge a book by its cover...you cant assume...anyone, no matter where they come from, or what they do can teach you a lesson...can touch you...and give you hope...

i joined golds gym this week..finally...my girls have been going for quite a while...now we can all work out together....i went to go workout on friday...i was just chillin on the treadmill, i had a high incline but i very low speed..this woman jump onto the treadmill next to me and proceeds to tell me that i wasnt maximizing my workout...she helped me to alter my workout and gave me a lot of great tips...and then we began talking...she is very interesting...originally from Ethiopia, she has lived all over Europe and the U.S...i adore her accent...she was telling me how she ran into an african-american woman who told her that African women think they are too good, that they come over to the states and turn there noses up at african-american women...the woman on the treadmill told me this was so hurtful and she couldnt believe the woman was saying this to her...she said she told her that she came to the states thinking her sisters would embrace her, show her around and teach her things and that she could teach them as well...she said black in the U.S. were born out of slavery..she said but what about your other history..i can tell you about africa..about a history you might not know...and i was like yes, yes you can...i couldnt believe that someone would say that to her...but then again...yes i can...
but we had such a great conversation while working out...from oprah to detoxing to using the word "nigga"...she said that using the word keeps us locked into the same mental slavery our ancestors fought to break us free from...she said slave masters used that word to belittle us and now here we are doing his job for him...she said our future generations will be stunted if we continue to hold onto the chains, if we never break free mentally and we continue to degrade ourselves...

see, people make you think..and its not just your friends, your family or co-workers...its the everyday people you meet on the street, on accident, that are in the same rat race as you just trying to make it to bed every night...

im open...i love keeping my eyes open...because that way i never stop learning..i never stop growing...i can never ever think i know everything or know too much...because everyday, even those times i dont even realize it..someone is opening my eyes to something new...

Flashback!!!

ill be back in a few days...i finally took a vacation last week! i went to nashville for a reunion and then drove down to atlanta for homecoming...Yes, i was a good girl...for the most part...ill holler about it later...i gotta get back to work...i took a break real quick because i needed to hear some good soulful music and decided to share...whats your fav tony toni tone song?