back to square one...

its been awhile...
if you have stopped by you may have noticed that for the past couple of days i have been fiddling with my template..i have been trying to find something that fits me...i think right now this one does..it look so peaceful and calm..and thats how i have been feeling this week..finally...
my heart and soul have been feeling rather light...and i feel really good about that because i could defintely let the changes in my life sway me...but i dont...im feeling positive..i feel wiser..is that possible? well i dont know but i do..i feel more in touch with my emotions than i have in awhile...not afraid of them or afraid of expressing them...im open to being vulnerable again...its refreshing...
the past couple months below the surface i had been feeling angry...and i didnt like it...and the thing is i was angry over things i could not change...that i had no control over...so as much as i could control myself, i couldnt control the anger eating away at me and it was just making me feel awful..i was harboring my true feelings because i didnt want to hurt someone close to me...and i was hurting myself in the process...

so lets see...
my relationship is good...we hit the 10 month mark this month...this is the longest relationship i have ever been in...it feels good...i know its not much for most folks but a milestone for me...i actually crave him sometimes...especially during the week when we are apart..i look forward to my weekends and knowing that i get to wake up next to him, i get to make him coffee in the morning and/or breakfast..it really touches something in me and i like it...i dont get to pamper a lot so being in this relationship allows me to do that...and knowing he appreciates the things i do makes it even better...

my roomie moved out earlier this week...nothing to do with our relationship, although i defintely see that it will probably change since we are not in each others lives daily...i told her to do what she needs to do to be happy...or to try and be happy...i also told her that we have a lease and as long as i dont have to worry about her part of the rent im fine...i read the girl so well...more than she knows, i just keep quiet on a lot of stuff...probably why i was getting so angry...so i guess not having to bite my tongue has really loosened me up...part of me feels like i should be missing her..but i havent yet...im sure i will eventually...especially on those nights i come home and there is no one to talk too...
so now its just me and my little lily..she is growing so fast...she has to get spayed soon...i almost feel sad, like part of her innocence will be gone...is that crazy? i was holding her earlier today cradled in my arms like a little baby, and she started falling asleep while i patted her softly on the back..it was soo cute...she def brings out my maternal side...

so you see why im feeing peaceful...i have more time to myself, so that i can get lost in my thoughts, no distractions...i dont have to sensor myself or deal with uneeded drama...i hope i will be blogging a little bit more...like i used to ..maybe some creative stuff...

part of me feels so free...light...female..i feel sensual and happy...whole...i hope this new template reflects that....hi Lyre, Sev, JB...ive been keeping up with yall...*BIG HUGS*

congrats Nah on your beautiful bride and wedding..you deserve the all the love in the world...seeing those photos makes me wanna have a wedding..i stil got a few years though..lol...

journal entry: dumping it out

sometimes i want to tell my friends what i think their issues are...but why?...i know i cant do that especially when i have my own to worry about...plus my friends know what their issue are...id be preaching to the choir...how do you know your issues and not feel compelled to work on them? that scares me...its almost like you dont want to grow, to change...fear will keep you locked in your old habits...but who am i to judge..no one...why am i acting like i know it all? i still have so much more to learn...but i guess i just want to plant seeds...give folks something to think about...like i had to do...so many times i had to pick myself up and find my own way...learn to meditate on life, on behaviors on wants, on needs, on peace, on words...its like a transformation...you must become self-aware...i am striving for more inner peace...i have a quite a bit...i could be more patient and understanding...i do judge...i try not to...but i am also human...i know i have a way of making people scared to disappoint me and that may not be a good thing...i am not seeking perfection in people...i am seeking honesty, honesty with themselves about who they are, what they believe and for them to not be ashamed to admit the shyt they dont like about themselves...if you cant be honest with yourself, if you live a life where you are constantly lying to yourself...then who in the world should trust you?...if you dont trust you...i guess i crave openness in all aspects of my life which can sound hypocritical to some because many feel like they never really get to know me but i am open, my life my love is open...if u ask the right questions at the right time...and actually listen...i will tell, i will give, but i dont feel the need to give every single detail of my being to every single person i come across...i am too precious for that, my thoughts, my laughter, my heart is too precious for that....