getting my OOMPH back....i hope

i havent written a poem in 2 years...2 years...sad...i decided to sift through the poetry forum on my message board...and i found a bunch of stuff i wrote...i dunno why i stopped...maybe reading over some of my old stuff will inspire me to write again...or maybe not...maybe someone will enjoy these...or maybe not....ahhhh welll...i like 'em...


*Rush*
u always find a way
to situate yourself back into my life
i used to like that about you
you kept my mind stimulated
with your dramatic acts
but
now i wish you would stay away
you are always in this hypnotic rush
to prove to yourself
that im still open?
trying to rush my emotions
trying to convince me
that my feelings for you
remain the same
that my heart still beats to your rhythm
we havent been in syncopation
for quite a long time
but my ego make me
ssshhhhhhh....
because honestly
i like to see you rush
because when we were together
you never did
you cruise controlled your way into my world
but
now you rush
hoping to sweep me up in your fantasy
and i hang on
because
i always love to hear you say
you miss me
and you are sorry
and you arent over me
i have 20 bucks
that says you really are
u just dont want to admit it
but
thats your demon
so
you keep rushing
stumbling over your own heart
trying to take back
a love
thats gone....

*Broken Consentration*
i was trying to read about how
ntozake's colored girls had considered suicide
and leroi was trying to explain to me
why he changed his name to baraka
but all i could think about was how inviting you lips looked
all of a sudden the roar of langstons rivers
sounded like your laugh
and zoras eyes might have been watching God
but i was lost deep in yours
and i couldnt comprehend
why alice was going on about the color purple
because all i was aware of
was the mohagony color of your skin
every fiber in my body was trying
to pay attention to richard and his boy bigger
but i kept getting distracted by your long slender fingers
so i gave up on them and i came to you
and even ms militant giovanni had to crack a smile
at how perfect
i fit in your lap


*i can only write love poems*
i have discovered
that i can only write
love poems
there are no poems
about my rent being due
or my cable being cut off
i havent been able to find inspiration
in my vanilla scented candles
or daises
or those hershey bars with almonds i crave
for some reason
i can only write love poems
i cant describe the glow of the moon
that eminanted through my window last night
or explain the oranges, read and violets
of the sunrise that awakened me this morning
its so amazing
but since i met you
i can only write love poems
mr. shakespeares iambic pentameter
doesnt give me enough creative license
to descibe your eyes
and renaissance prince haki madhubuti's haiku's
dont have enough syllables
to express my feelings about your smile
i almost got frustrated
because
i can only write love poems
i mean poems about you
cause my mind
cant fathom
writing anything else

*silences*
it is always in silence
the silence between the time someone takes a breath
and finally reaches for the lips of another with their own
the absorbtion of the contact,
the feel of tongues dancing together in unison,
the longing look of passionate exchanges to come
it is always in silence
the acceptance of secret places
being caressed and arroused
the reality that a shared wanting
will be revealed
it is always in the silence
that two people share
after being entwined and intermingled
the insecurity and the hope
that lay between them
and keep them intrigued
it is always the silences
that teach about life
the silences
balance the questions
and prepare those
who are not ready
to start realizing the answers
it is always in the silences
where love can grow
the silence can be deafening
to those not ready to listen....

*Hello*
so i am waiting for you to call
and im mad because i am waiting
and pissed off at myself
for realizing that i keep picking up the phone
checking the dial tone
obviously things have changed between us
specifically around the same time
that you said nothing would
and while i do accept that
i still just want you to call one more time
not really even to dwell
on things that have gone down between us
but just to hear one last excuse
or one last answer to a question
i never asked i guess im just looking
for a reason to hang up the phone one last time

*Wrong flavor*
i see you are curious,
you wonder what i taste like
and if you will get a chance to position your body horizontal
to my heart
tasting me takes time
i understand your willingness to woo me
you have been told stories about my eyes
and wonder if you are underestimating the power of my lips
tasting me takes time
i need you to know my history
because then you will begin to understand
my craving for chocolate and candles
which filters into my future (and possibly yours)
tasting me takes time
are you ready to invest your thoughts
do you dare see me as i see myself
are you prepared for all that i have to offer
because tasting me takes time
and many have run out of time
trying to taste the wrong flavor

can i get some?

ive never been a very sensitive person...i have compassion, sympathy..i care....i just dont show it very well...i dont think i cry enough...my "college sweetheart" yeah we broke up over the phone while i was at the hair salon...my stylist finished my hair, i got in the car and i cried for maybe 10 minutes...by the time i arrived back on campus, my eyes were dry and i was trying to figure out what i was wearing to whatever party later that night...and that man was my love...

my brother has always been more sensitive...he knows exactly what to say in just about every situation dealing with other peoples emotions...and i envy that...i love watching him with people he has such charm and charisma...i bet he could get along with just about anyone...but dont get it twisted...he has a temper...you just dont see it too often...its something how the sweetest people are the ones who you know to stand clear from when they blow up cause its gonna be ugly...i think we actually may share that trait...

yeah but me...i can be standoffish at first...possibly even cold...depending on the circumstance...i need to warm up to people..im not people person right off the bat...i got this professional cool thing going for me...which can be a hinderance, or misunderstood..

when i was 2 i wouldnt go give my aunt a hug...instead i latched on to my mama and stuck a thumb in my mouth...my aunt called me stuck up...stuck up at age 2....lol...naw, i was just my mama's baby...

im still not stuck up...i have my moments where i just dont wanna deal with some folks...though i may give some folks crazy ass looks cause they say some dumb shyt...

so back to this sensitivity thing...im blunt...i dont really sugar coat...i cant lie for shyt...lying does me no good cause my face shows everything...

my cali girls have made me more aware of this sensitivity thing...they show all kinds of emotions...u know when they r hurt, u know when they are angry...foreign shyt to me, i swear i must wear some kind of veil over my emotions...well know not really...let me rephrase..my girls are vocal..if they are mad, the yell, when they are hurting, they cry...i dont think they have ever heard me yell...and the only reason one of girls saw me crying is because we decided to watch the movie the notebook..and if u dont cry during the notebook then you must really be out of touch...cause that movie will get you alll caught up...

so im not vocal...but you will know when i have an issue...im a spoiled brat an stubborn...i admit this...so if something is wrong...i wont speak, i wont look at anyone, i will barely engage in convo...if i get mad in the car, hold on to your seat...but i found i process slower...emotions simmer in me...they dont boil over...i have to process shyt out before i can talk about it...if i ever do say a word...shyt, this is why i write...i get all my thoughts out...then i get over it...

not the best way to deal with stuff cause a lot of times folks dont know what the hell went down...i feel that my girls are more honest with their shyt cause they let it all out at once...i let shyt flow through me...ya girl dont use her words...never have...maybe one day i will...dunno...but i might not use my words all the time but i also dont let folks run me over...i hope folks know their place with me...i try and make that clear...sometimes it works...sometimes it fails...such is life...ya learn, you grow...you keep pushin...

ok so one of my girls tells me i need to be more sensitive...and i try to explain to her its not that i want to be insensitive...i just process shyt differently...if someone tells me some sensitive shyt...it takes me a minute to wrap my heard around it..then i wonder if they want advice, or just an ear...sometimes my intuition is right, sometimes wrong...now...sometimes i say my first thought on the matter...and a lot of times i dont because i know its going to be harsh...but my face says it all and well we end up in a bad situation...and alla sudden im insensitive...gots to be more careful with those faces...but shyt, who am i foolin, that aint gonna change...

i guess because i rationalize things before i throw any emotion into it...my face shows the the rational...but i guess since the emotion takes a minute, no one gets to see that part and it is left buried inside me...ergo....im not sensitive...

i call up my mama and ask her if i am a sensitive person....my mama laughs...then she goes "huh?" (stalling)

then she laughs again...and says no

but you know what else my mama said..."shauna dont change for anyone"...

feeling a little dark today...

im fnally settled into my new place...ive been moved in since last week but i finally managed to start feeling comfortable yesterday when i got my room the way i wanted it...i put my canopy up above my bed, threw on my fav comforter and finally got all the clothes off of my floor and my teddy bears situated...i dont know why i take those teddy bears everywhere...habit i guess...i still have suitcases of books all over my room...i have two of my bookcases filled but i plan on buying new ones so i decided not to unpack the rest...but i cant wait until i do, i dont like having my books out of order...my collection is too precious to me...

i found an old journal of mine the other day...well not found but i actually opened it and read it...some of the stuff i have posted on this blog..i cant believe Spelangel has been up for more than two years...but reading a lot of my old thoughts really got to me...i feel so much older than the person who wrote all those words....i even read a few parts of the entries to my girls...ive come a long way in a short time..im just now realizing that...it feels good but i know there is still so much more...

i was in my car on the way to work and almost broke down crying...ive been feeling overwhlemed, worn out and tired the past couple of weeks and i couldnt shake it off...it dawned on my today...my soul is tired...just tired...ive been a shoulder for my friends..and while i dont mind being their for my friends..because i love them...im carrying the burden of their dramas...exactly what i didnt want to do to..i mean i do in the since that i want to be there for them but i cant carry their issues and mine...i got to give that up now...i had to ask God to take some of this...to relieve me...because i was doing too much on my own...im just wore out, that inner peace that usually surrounds me has been shaken and i cant be everything for everybody...ive head tension headaches, bodyaches, if i can get EXTRA personal...my period lasted a day and a half...that aint right..i cant even bleed right...im stressed..and im not the one with the issues...so you see my heart is just heavy...and i know God is the answer...pray for me

and send up one for my huny...i have a feeling he will be going back to Iraq (for his 3rd tour)...he hasnt said anything and its just a feeling...but im nervous...i hope whatever im feeling is wrong...other than my crazy feeling we are good...i miss his quiet ass...even though i just saw him a few days ago...its like that sometimes though...

i think its ex-boyfriend week again..ive talked to two of them this week...one had a birthday a few days ago so i called him...a mistake...he started trippin a little...but i dont expect anything less...he is who he is...
the other called me...telling me about his woman issues...which is fine...my thing is he never asks me how i am doing...same problem we had in our relationship...no reciprocity...which is fine i dont really want to tell him about my man..but its just the principle of it...

ooh but anyway...keep ya girl in your thoughts...its almost midnight, i get off in a ew and im about to make a run to wal-mart...i MUST HAVE coffee and water in my apartment at all times and im running low on both...