Im Tired...

life can be really be discouraging sometimes...im trying...but im tired....

Jill Scott - Across Your Bread

one of my fav poems from this book is actually the first one...

Across Your Bread

Im juss gon say what i need to
juss gon put it on the tablee
and spread it across your bread

as much as i didnt want
i have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love wit every molecule of
you

the walk on you
the way you out then in breathe
simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin' and my kness beggin' to part
i do (shakin my head up and down)
i do
love everything about you
all that makes you you
and what i do not know, i swear i will love too
if you just show me

i know it's crazy but i swear
my heart dooesn't pump blood
when you are not near me
i juss walk my way through life comatose
till i hear my name in your key
i juss stay
hoping, wishing, praying for the moment you say it's cool for me to
give you what i got
cool for me to give you what i keep
cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples
and the pears but you don't
won't
accept it then accept it then return it
my logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
my feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing

don't you see?
i'm willing
willing
to go that extra continent
willing
to carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
i am plcing myself on the table
spreading myself across your bread
so, say something
it's your move

Lostus Festival 2005

i went the Lotus Festival over the weekend..it is a international cultural music festival...i had such a great time going, i went with a few reporters from my newspapers sister paper...and we had a great time, and i had the best raspberry cosmo at this place called the Crazy Horse (and it was only $3)...The festival is held annually downtown...you pay for a bracelet which get you in all the venues over the weekend...i went thursday and friday night and saw so many musicians...so here is a little recap of the groups i saw...


the Wailing Jennies is a folk group from canada..im not much into folk music but these girls had some really nice harmonies and a few really nice songs...


Ruthie Davis was AMAZING...she is a singer/songwriter from Texas and has this really souful voice and she does this mix of soul and gospel...she was very big on crowd interaction and had folks singing along with her and some were even up dancing in front ot the stage...


Tlan Huicani is a group out of Veracruz who play traiditonal Spanish music...they played this one ballad with a harp that was wonderful...


Lura and her band from Cape Verde was wonderful...she sang in French and had the crowd up on there feet the whole time...the crowd really went wild when she did this booty shake....she was gorgeous in this orange dress and just looked so comfortable on stage...


Mamar Keasey is a group from Niger and they sounded really good, although we didnt stay long because there was another group starting that we had to get too..but the 2 women backup singers/dancers really made the crowd want to get up and shake sumthin....i enjoyed the group, what i didnt enjoy was the goofy looking white guy who kept smiling back at me...


Balkan Beat Box turnt it out at this club called the Bluebird....i didnt think they were going to be that great but they really did it up...got a couple of the girls i was with shaking it on the dance floor...i sat back and nursed my midori sour with another girl i was with...they mixed their live music (sax, guitar, drums, trombone) w/ electronica..they held it down nicely...the group members are from N. Africa, the Middle East and the Balkans.....the drummer was cute and decided to take his shirt off...and while he is definitely on the skinny side (not my cup of tea) he was workin what he had...


Funkadesi, a group out of Chicago got me out of my seat...and it wasnt just the sexy ass sax player with the penetrating eyes (and no that is not him in the pic, lol)....they had a really good sound and they had the dance floor packed at the convention center...


our last stop was the Creole Cowboys, a group out of Southern Louisiana...they worked it out too..the violinist had this great voice...it was funny because before they performed, we didnt know they were performers and one of the ladies i was with bummed a cigarette off one of them...they played zydeco and creole music...the guy playing the instrument that looked sumthin like a washboard was eyin me...and u cant tell me any different...we was kinda hot too in a teddy bear kinda way...

weddings...

i was layin around the house last saturday..doing absolutely nothing except munching on whatever was in the fridge and taking naps on the couch...in between all this activity i was watching one of my fav channels Oxygen....i enjoy the Living Single and A different World reruns and sometimes they have some other shows and movies that i get into...for some reason they always play this one movie with selma haiak (sp?) and the guy from Oz who was in the wheelchair...cept for in this movie he is selma's gay drag queen friend...its a cute movie though all about cooking and love....

anyway this month they are doing this thing every saturday called "2 weddings and a movie marathon" where they show a couple episodes of this reality series called "weddings from the knot" and a movie marathon with a love and/or wedding theme...although they have showed "hope floas" at least twice and although it is about love it is centered around a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair with her best friend...doesnt really make me think of love in a good way...but i guess they have to mix it up a bit...

okay so i was watching "weddings from the knot" and i saw this woman going through her whole wedding process from engagement party, to wedding dress to caterer, etc....i mean she was planning her dream wedding...and i started thinking about my dream wedding...and realized i didnt have a clue on what i wanted my dream wedding to be like...
ive heard before that women start planning their dream wedding waaaay early like in junior high...the whole "prince charming sweep you off your feet, carry you to the palace and live happily ever after" kinda dream that somehow through the Disney chanel becomes instilled in the minds of little girls early...and i admit i still own beauty and the beast and alladin...i left cinderella and snow white with my parents....

i remember sitting on the porch of a childood friends house when i was 13 or 14 and there on the porch during the summer over popcicles and pizza we would dream about marriage...for some reason we were obsessed over the colors that would make up the wedding....and for some reason i wanted white, black, teal/turqouise, gold and cream...DA HELL was i thinking?? yeah so what i DO know about my "dream wedding" is that all that tackiness will not be allowed...

so i began really thinking what do i want...well i still dont know and im not trying to figure it out....i do know i want a princess cut ring and a nice white (HA! those friends of mine reading this SHAADDUP!!) dress, not big and puffy but nice and silky all the way down with a tad of a train....i dont know anything else, i have no colors planned, i dont know the location, i dont know the bridesmaids, shoot i dont even know the groom...and whats a wedding without someone to get hitched too? well i guess its a big ass party with me in a white dress...
so one day i will have a dream ,and one day i guess i will have a dream wedding...but until then i think ill just watch some more Oxygen and look at the lovely ladies ready to take that step....

25 THINGS A SISTA SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

(got this email from my girl, thought it was kinda cute...)

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.
12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
13. Never apologize for saying NO.
14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?
15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)
21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.
23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
25. Never apologize for being you!

This weekend i...

rediscovered make up...you know Covergirl, Maybelline, M.A.C....

i was sitting on my couch watching some random tv show and flipping through my October Glamour when i realized i was slippin on the make up...i hadnt put on a lick of make up in some months...i have been so overly enthusiastic about eating better and finding a new job and cleaning my apartment and random other stuff that i kinda just left the make up behind...

this is so unusual because when my mama allowed me to begin wearing make up my senior year of high school i never left home without a made up face and those times i was running late, i had an xtra small make up case packed in my book bag so when i got to school i would run to the bathroom before anyone could see me and did my face up...when i got to college i learned real fast that its too hot in atlanta to be parading around outdoors in august heat in a full made up face..i looked like an oil slick..not cute at all...but that was a good experience for me, i let my face breathe a little and learned about natural beauty...i realized i had become too dependent on make up that without it i felt less of a woman, like i wasnt pretty if i didnt have on at least foundation, eyeshadow, mascara and lipstick...that was a trying time in my life...i was confused and my self esteem was shot....but i worked through it...part of it was going to an all female college and learning to reevaluate my perception of beauty which they reall enforced through a few classes and actually just seeing some beautiful sistas runnign around campus without a lick of make up...and after some time....i was cool, my confidence was up....it was great...i felt free....and relieved...i was still the woman to go to concerning make up, i wasnt a make up artist but i knew my way around some make up brushes and for big events i would hold a beauty salon (and bar, shhhh) in my room for my girls...and when we partied we stepped out looking good...but i use(d) make up to enhance my beauty and did not depend on it to make me beautiful....

so back to the present, i had a drawer full of make up just sitting stagnate...and for some reason i had this urge to look through it and clean it out and maybe even buy a few new items....well when i started looking through my stock of make up i noticed that most of the stuff i had had expired in 2002 and 2003....ummm thats waay past time to throw it out....i mean u are only supposed to keep mascara for 3 months before tossing it...and well lets just say all 4 tubes of my mascaras were all over a year old...so i just started chucking stuff...i ended up keeping a few eye liners, a concealer, and a lip gloss...and actually i should dump a couple of those....

i decided to throw on some shoes and role over to wal-mart because it's closer to me than the mall...i was in wal-mart for a good hour going down their 3 aisles of stuff..i had rethought out my whole make up base and had a plan....i had so many colors and tubes of stuff and i didnt use half of it...in fact ive gotten kinda conservative but i stocked up on some maybelline in nice neutral colors that compliment my skin tone, and not just what was on sale like i used to do...and im cool with it...i went home and reorganized my drawer, now i can use that drawer for clothes like it was built for...i also went out this weekend and bought some new earrings, nice dangling, girly earrings...

i decided to put some pep back in my step for fall...hopefully soon ill buy some new sweaters...i acutally ran into Eddie Bauer...i hadnt been there in a real long time but they have some real cute fall cashmere sweaters, so i picked up a catalog and i may place an order sometime...and im going to make an effort to not just run out the house in anything, i love heels have plenty of them but i swear ive been stuck in my 4 pairs of chinese slippers for at least 2 years....i dont know what happened, i just fell offf, got so comfy in my skin that i got lazy...so im making an effort to look decent, and not just for church...instead of going to work in jeans and a button up shirt....im going to throw on a litle make up and some nice clothes...so that i look on the outside how i feel on the inside......

so we shall see how long this lasts because im not a morning person and the last thing i am thinking about at 6 in the morning is applying eye shadow but i think i can do it every once in a while....

random stuff...

its funny how some folks underestimate me....shame on them...but whats also funny is how at them same time they rely on me to do so much for them and then try and micromanage...and then at the same time they are jealous when i get it done correctly...some people really look and hope that you fail...and its not so much by their words but by their actions....bacially im talkin about a couple coworkers...they really cannot stand the fact that im good at my job...on top of that they cant stand when my boss praises me and so they try and seek out praise anyway they can and then try and act superior like i dont kow anything....lol..its all funny to me but on some days it can get annoying...i think the funniest thing is that they areso transparent....

i dont let that ruin my days, because i know who i am and i have already shown them what i can accomplish, its not me with the issue its them...and i know im not being overdrmamtic because ive given them the benefit of the doubt on several occasions and now im just sitting back and taking it all in....if they only knew.....

i had such a relaxing labor day weekend, i went out of town and really just enjoyed myself...i wish i didnt have to come back to work...i coulda stayed where i was at for a long while....i was getting very comfy...lol...

i was talkin with my girl pru the other day and she said sumthin to me that was hilarious...she said "u are way to much and still not enough"...lol...that my girl, she thinks im crazy, lol...but i like to make her laugh....

i gotta proof some pages....work is calling...