disecting the journey

ive been reading 'When chickenheads come home to roost again" by joan morgan even though this book was placed on the shelves in 1999 i still cant get enough of it....i let a friend of mine borrow my copy..then i just decided to go ahead and let her keep it...that book granted me with some knowledge and i hope she will get as much out of it as i did...that book along with Racism 101 by Nikki Giovanni and the choreopoem For colored girls...have always touched something in my soul...there was a time when i had to read something out of one of those books just to make me feel like life was giong to be alright...
i have added jill scotts poetry book to me list because i swear she has been in my head...its funny how soo many women can share such a collective experience...my girl marie has the book too and was showing me one of the poems at work the other day...i said girl, i know, as soon as i read that one, i identified...marie gave me a look and said "i just cant believe that you were ever that lost"...hmmmph...back in the day i was choking myself out...i was dying inside...i wish i could explain the pain...the restlesness in my soul...i now know im not alone, and never was...that there are soo many women out there who can feel me...and some who are there now and will understand one day...i dont know the exact day the flip in my brain switched...but im grateful it did...i was a scared little girl perpatrating as a grown ass woman...i think about those times often...God looks after children and fools, and i was both...i suppose thats why i have so much to thank Him for...

but i didnt even mean to go there today in this post...i meant to post a few things from chickenheads...imma post a little something in a minute just because it was my intent...im feeling reflective right now though...

i have a good man...i love to talk about him...sometimes i keep my mouth shut just because well, some things are best left between a woman and her man...but he is a great guy...he is special...and i think to myself wow, girl you have come a long way...i told him i picked him for myself..which i did...spotted him at the bar, saw his Tims were abnormally clean for being in the environment we were in and told my girl that he was mine...i took him home with me that night...damn i hope my mama never reads this..lol...he came back the next weekend with his toothbrush...and we are still growing...he is an enigma at times, but i like that about him...we have a sort of bond where we dont have to speak all the time which i find special...ok my reason for saying all that is this...i am a good woman who deserves a good man in her life...and i got him...but if i hadnt spent time working on me and learning myself i never would have gotten the chance to know what a special man he is...i wouldnt have been ready to allow him in my life...if i hadnt have taken time to be alone for awhile and processed my past behaviors and my past relationships he would have walked by me...i believe God places things you want and ask for in front of you when you are ready to handle them and when you can appreciate them...when i met him i was scared, i told him the first month we were together he always made me nervous....ummm, men dont make me nervous so i knew something was up...

i dont know why im writing all of this now, and im sure im repeating things i have written before...but i feel okay about that...im just.....happy...

and i have God to thank for that...and im glad he allowed me to pick up those books written by my sisters to show me that being a woman is a complex thing and there is nothing wrong with not knowing the answers...and that growing and learning and striving to become a complete package is an everyday thing...life has valley's and mountains...somedays u may be lost in the valley, other days you may be relishing the mountain top..i guess the idea is to embrace the journey..

ok, here is a piece from chickenheads...

"ultimately, healing relationships between black men and women depend on our ability to forgive. one of the most toxic by-products of black folks' history is an anger rooted in centuries of racism and human suffering. an anger black men and women, however unwittingly, are quick to turn on each other. its time to acknowledge it, and then let it go. if not for our sakes then for the sakes of our children."

joan morgan is quoting Marita Golden in this passage:
"african-american women must forgive the real and imagined crimes of their sons' fathers. we must resist the urge to visit upon all the men in our lives the bitterness and pain planted by incompetent fathers or disappointing lovers...and we must forgive black men for not protecting us against slavery, racism, white men, our confusion or their doubts. and black men have to forgive black women for our own sometimes dubious choices, divided loyalties and lack of belief in their possibilites...only when our sons and daughters know that forgiveness is real, existent, and that those who love practice it, can they form bonds as men and women that really can save and change out community."