all smiles..and thoughts...

so someone left me a comment about regret and it got me to thinking...

well first i took it personal...especially they way they signed off on the comment...i was perplexed...because i didnt know who this was...and i was disappointed that they didnt leave a name..cause i would like to recall memories of the person i allowed myself to open up to...there are not many who i have let in tht way...

and then i started thinking...maybe its not real tears i have let this person see...i place a lot of my tears on paper...and in this blog....

and then i thought about the regrets part...honestly i think i skimmed it the first couple times i read it...i actually had to make myself read it word for word...and id like to say i didnt do too much reflecting on it but i did...

here is what i came up with: i dont believe i harbor much regret, i refuse to say no regrets because im sure there is something, somewhere inside me...but i like to think that everything i have been through..all my experiences...my obersvations...is me growing...and how can you regret growing? i have so much appreciation for the changes in my life...spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally....i have had pain, and happiness...and everything in between and on either side...and i am blessed...because i am still here, living my life out loud...

so i was thinking if i take all that this anonymous person left literally and to my core as someone who i once knew...i have determined...they dont know me...or at least they dont know this 26 year old woman who is typing this...they may have gotten close to a younger version of shauna...the one who was scared and frontin...skeptical...the one who didnt understand love for self...or at least hadnt gotten her mind wrapped all the way around the concept, lol...

whew...i cant wait until i hit 30...imma be so much more a woman...and when 40 hits...shyt, no one will be able to say anything to me...ill be so grown...watch out!

isnt it great that each day you wake up you are older...you are wiser...life is more fulfilling...well thats my opinion anyway...

you know writing this made me feel...encouraged...before i posted i went and read a bunch of quotes from alice walker, ntozake shanges, nikki giovanni and pearl cleage...those women uplift me everytime i search for them...everytime i seek them out i see something i havent read before...i get so inspired..ill have to make a post one day of just quotes...

my mind's telling me no!

im going to see katt williams tomorrow...so excited...still dont know what im wearing...you know i have to look good just in case katt sees me from the stage and my beauty gets him excited and he tells one of his people to come get me and take me back stage so then i can tell him that i am flattered that he saw me and wanted to holler and i think he is a talented man and i would love the number to his hair stylist but i am faithful to my man and no glitz and glam can take me away from him but thanks for wanting to meet me..also i am not that kind of girl and i am slightly offended at your proposal...
yeah ok so that can only happen in my overactive imagination..but just in case i need to look cute and coordinated...im thinking skinny jeans, red shoes...and thats all i got so far...

my sweetie is still keeping mum on when he is coming back...all i know is he will be back before valentines day...and im actually not upset at the fact that i am being kept in the dark...i kinda like the surprise factor...the house apartment is clean...my only issue is...well...shaving...im lazy...im really not trying to shave anything until i know its going to be seen...ya feel me? so thats going to be a little tricky...he is either gonna get "fresh and clean," "slightly stubbly" or "da hell is that!?" depending on when he decides to show up...

ive been on gossip site overload...and im doing it to myself...after i get done with my work i start going from site to site to site reading about the "lives" of celebs...guess im more of a pop culture junky then i thought...not only that...my dvr is set to record way too much mtv, vh1 and bet...with all these shows starting new seasons im kinda in couch potato heaven...i already know making the band:battle of the sexes is going to be an interestingly sloppy mess...then the gautlett 3 started this week bringing more drama to my television set...i think im set to record like 8 or 9 more shows...but thats the way i like my drama..on my televsion only...i like MY reality peaceful...

silent tears...

if you know me, you know i proabably will never let you see me cry...my mama has seen my cry cause, well, she is my mama...one of my best friends andrea saw me cry oooh about 8 years ago..and that lasted for less than 5 minutes...

i guess i dont like to let folks see me get that vulnerable...as open as i am crying is too personal to me...crying takes me to a place i dont feel i can really share with anyone...i have no problem telling someone i cried, after the fact...its definitely something i feel i sould work on, letting my guard down...maybe one day...i told my boyfriend today he made me cry...well he made me tear up for a quick minute but i told him i cried so he would learn a lesson...and he did...i think i scared him when i told him that...

i do cry though...i wonder if i cry enough...is there a quota on tears? i dont like crying..i get a headache afterwards...

a really good book can make me cry or a really good movie...but i usually keep to myself during those moments...

i had a really good cry a couple days ago...tears tend to appear when im having a really deep talk with God...

i was feeling a little lost, helpless, lonely and overwhelmed the other day...pondering my purpose, wondering what my next step is supposed to be, asking Him for guidance...cause sometimes i just dont know which way to turn...asking Him for forgiveness, for mercy, for wisdom, for a sign, an answer...i reached out to God and pleaded for strength and the tears came down...

maybe i should cry more because as much as it hurt, it felt soo good

no headache this time

A year of possiblities

Happy New Year!

i started my new year on the dance floor...in my sweater dress and stilettos with a glass of champagne and friends on all sides...a great way to ring in a new year...

we ended up starting a small soul train line! you have to LOVE that, LOL

because i had been sick, i told my folks i would drive because i didnt plan on doing too much drinking...i had a cosmo to bring 2007 to a close and the glass of champagne to usher in the new year...followed by some water for balance, lol

and i was happy...i did miss my man as the countdown came to a close...for some reason we always end up celebrating the big holidays apart...we have never spent our birthdays, christmas or new years together, lol...and we are really bad at buying presents for each other too at those times of the year...we are good at presenting each other with little gifts through out the year though..the just because kind og gifts...i think we both would rather surprise each other...dunno...

anyway..watching my coupled up friends kiss at midnight did make me a little jealous...but im sure we will make up for it once he gets back...

in Chinses astrology 2008 is the year of the rat...i went to go look into the meaning and am intrigued..and even more ready to begin this year..here is what i found at chinese.astrology.com:

"The Rat is the first sign of the Chinese zodiac and signifies new beginnings. That makes this year an appropriate time to start new ventures and break new ground. This includes new ideas, directions and ways of doing things. It is a time to experiment and put plans into action, as there will be plenty of opportunities to achieve success. Remember that things began during this year are likely to have long term consequences, so choose your actions wisely to enrich your life.

This year is also an equally good time for thinking and all manner of intellectual endeavors. Planning, scholarship and research, for example, are favorable activities. It is also an auspicious time for the arts; although, under Earth's influence, applied arts such as design and graphics may do best.

Earth favors those who are tied to the land, do a lot of routine work, deal with practical matters or perform work of a spiritual nature. Based on the characteristics of both Earth and Rat, it could be a very good year for those with careers in business, construction, engineering, academia, planning and the clergy.

There is likely to be a focus on career and self-improvement this year, to the detriment of family. Therefore, you need to be attentive and creative so that the family area of your does not suffer. It is, however, a relatively good time to begin a new romance. Those in a relationship may want to consider raising it to the next level, including marriage."

isnt that exciting? possibly because it is the beginning of the new year, full of new possiblities...a time to change for the better...

i told folks on new years eve my resolution would to be more high maintenance on a shoe-string budget, lol...i want to make the effort to take more time to pamper myself instead of rushing around. from home, to work, to wherever...i want to take more time to enjoy getting ready, applying makeup, doing my hair, the little things that are fun for me...that i blow off on a regular day...

on my message board i said my resolution was to keep growing, meaning mentally, emotionally and spiritually and to keep the peace in my house...no drama...just joy...

this is going to be a good year...im claiming it...for myself, for friends, for family...everyone...enjoy the possiblities...