resentment...

i went to an awards banquet last night at the request of one of the VP's of the foundation that sponsored my journalism fellowship a couple years ago...she called me up a month ago and told me she was going to be in town for this banquet and asked me to be her guest, not like i could really say no since she is one of the people responsible for me being where i am right now...and she is a nice women we get along well...

it was a typical dinner...and i was pretty much questioned by various people at the university regarding who is was and why i was there..and then i reply and they say "oh wow thats great"...followed by more questions...me making some generic comments like "wonderful", or "oh really " or asking some mundane question that i really didnt want to know the answer to and giving the smile and nod...as a few friends of mine would say i was doing the "clipty-clop" the horse and pony show..
but the VP did introduce me to some exec. editors at a couple papers and some good contacts... so it wasnt all a waste..plus the food was actually good...

after the dinner there was a lecture given by a pulitzer winner...at first i thought it was going to be a lot of "i did this," "i did that," and "thats how i got here" type of lecture..and a lot of it was but she also made a few good points about journalism and writing and i kinda wished i hadnt left my notebook in the car...

i do remember one thing that stood out to me, the presenter said "resentment is drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die."

and that stuck with me because i know as much as i dont want to and try to tell myself that i dont, i hold a lot of stuff in, anger, sadness, pain, just junk...and i tell myself that thats why i write to get that stuff out...but that doesnt always work, sometimes writing it down doesnt do anything especially when that person never knew how u affected them...there are numerous people i have let slip away and never told them how i felt and i still have that stuff inside...and its really not good..but part of me knows that for some its too late to tell, i will never speak to them again...and yet i still resent certain pain they have caused in my life...and then there are some people in my life who i can still reach out to and let them know what i am thinking and feeling and i havent....and i need too..but its hard...i talk a good game...always have...always will...but i know im at a breaking point where i need to let go...and keep letting go...

hopefully i will get it all out before the next person leaves my life and i am let holding onto words i never got a chance to say...