you will have to excuse me...

its 2 in the morning...my girls just left after a night filled with tons of candles, sex in the city the complete series (we only got through the second season), greasy chips with french onion dip, salami (which i dont care for) cheese slices and wheat thins, an extrememly rich cheese danish, doughtnut holes and the best drinks i ever made...lets just say lots and lots of vodka, with a dash of sweet and sour mix and a tinge of lemonade....im feeling pretty good right now...clearly...i will be headed to the gym as soon as i wake up...

its been a good day off...my weekend was excellent, i am entertaining someone new in my life and dumb hasnt fallen out of his mouth yet...still slightly hiding behind my shell but giving as much of myself as i can considering ive only known him a little more than a week...

what is it about hanging out with your girls that always get you thinking about relationships? going back and forth, revealing the truths you usually keep to yourself...it feels good knowing that you can lay out your insecurities and vulnerablities to women who will hold you up and help you on your journey, no judgment..just outstretched arms and shoulders to lay your burdens and your tears...i havent had that since i left spelman in '03...love you drea and pru! wish we were all together now to experience the everyday growth...i love you both, you have always been in my corner and have always wanted the best for me...whether it was a nice pair of booty hugging jeans, or a loving man....even if he was crazy...

tonight i have been reading "for colored girls..." by ntozake shange...i should really have the whole thing memorized by now...and probably do...one of her "not-so-love" poems is stopping me tonight...its like im beginning to realize im not as strong as i think i am or wish to be...and maybe thats not such a bad thing...that whole strong back woman thing is played to the left...i am sitting in my vulnerability right now, and im dont feel bad about it or uncomfortable...fighting emotions is pointless...so im going to dwell in the fact that my feelings are on display right now and im not going to swallow them...im terrified...of liking someone...and thats okay...cause like my girl joan morgan says if some man drops the ball i can pick my ball back up and keep on stepping...it may hurt for awhile...but thats cool that just means im living...but who is to say that will happen? it may be one of the most beautifuul experiences in my life...and i will grow...and thats what life is about right? growing...loving...feeling...

did i mention the drinks i made tonight were bangin?

my cali girls are hurtin yall...and i dont know what to say to uplift them...i can only play tyler perry's "madea goes to jail" so many times before they tell me to shut it down...but im here with tissues and hugs and prayer...

this is what i got from ntozake tonight, this reminded me of our conversation:
"ive lost it
touch wit reality/i dont know who's doin it
i thot u waz but i waz so stupid i waz able to be hurt
& thats not real/not anymore/i shd be immune/if im
still alive & thats what i waz discussin/ how i am still
alive & my dependency on other livin beins for lov
i survive on intimacy & tomorrow/thats all ive got goin
& the music waz like smack & you knew abt that
& still refused my dance waz not enuf/& it waz all i had
but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of
soul & gender/ my love is too delicate to have thrown
back on my face"