Have a Merry Christmas.....

and a Blessed New Year!

hand me my scarf....

im cold...i live in southern california and im freezing....

i was born and raised in michigan...i love michigan for its seasons...spring is nice and fresh, flowers, sun, melting snow its starting to finally warm up...in summer it always stays around 75 maybe 80, during some extremely ambitious summers it gets to 90...fall is gorgeous, leaves turn colors, football games, hot chocolate, you get to take out your old sweaters or go buy new ones along with a new jacket, its slightly windy and stays in the 50s and 60s....winter, well, winter is cold...you wake up its 32 degrees, you go to sleep its 32 degrees, in between it dips below 0..the first snow is always gorgeous though...i love my peacoats and an excuse to buy new boots is always a plus....

so i shouldnt be in california and be cold right? i grew up in freezing temps, i should be thankful for the warmth and coziness of winter in cali...

so check this out...

i move here in feb...and was excited that i was finally in a location where it was 70 degrees in the winter...i thought i was really livin...i would throw on a t-shirt, some jeans and some sandles and go about my business...i was amazed when it hit 80 degrees in march...that was a foreign concept to me...but i relished every moment of it...i had been warned "girl, you live in the desert now, just wait"

and i waited....

and around june it hit 100....by the beginning of july the weather stayed between 110 and 116...and i was HOT....by mid july....boom it hit 120..and decided to marinate there for a while...i get into august and am not even phased by the heat anymore..in fact i noticed that if it dipped down below 100, i thought it was "kinda cool outside today"....

crazy right?

so i wake up the other day FREEZING....turn my heat to 80 (the same spot i kept my air conditioning set at during the summer) and throw on a sweatshirt...go about my routine and head out the door...i open the door and im like whooo is it COLD...went a grabbed my suede jacket...i get to the car to go wherever before work and decide to look down at the temp...its 65 degrees.....im stunned im FREEZING at 65 degrees...back in feb i was lovin the 70s now here it is a few months later and a few degrees lower and i cant handle it...i tell ya back in michigan as soon as i caught a whif of some heat i was trying to rock a skirt or some shorts....and now im bundling up...

this week i broke out my winter clothes...because well, it is winter...but never in my life have i thrown on my thick turtleneck sweater and knee high boots with a coat and been cold at 65 degrees...

im telling you my blood has gotten used to this triple digit heat...of course since i am in the desert, at night it gets down to the low 40s...but when i was in michigan, the 40s was not that cold...but now that ive settled into the california living...40 might as well be below freezing...cause im going crazy...

im going home to michigan in a few weeks for Christmas...my mama was telling me today they were expecting a snow storm....da hell? what imma do with some snow? what happens when i decide to move back east? im not going to be able to handle it...am i destined to be a cali girl for life?

you will have to excuse me...

its 2 in the morning...my girls just left after a night filled with tons of candles, sex in the city the complete series (we only got through the second season), greasy chips with french onion dip, salami (which i dont care for) cheese slices and wheat thins, an extrememly rich cheese danish, doughtnut holes and the best drinks i ever made...lets just say lots and lots of vodka, with a dash of sweet and sour mix and a tinge of lemonade....im feeling pretty good right now...clearly...i will be headed to the gym as soon as i wake up...

its been a good day off...my weekend was excellent, i am entertaining someone new in my life and dumb hasnt fallen out of his mouth yet...still slightly hiding behind my shell but giving as much of myself as i can considering ive only known him a little more than a week...

what is it about hanging out with your girls that always get you thinking about relationships? going back and forth, revealing the truths you usually keep to yourself...it feels good knowing that you can lay out your insecurities and vulnerablities to women who will hold you up and help you on your journey, no judgment..just outstretched arms and shoulders to lay your burdens and your tears...i havent had that since i left spelman in '03...love you drea and pru! wish we were all together now to experience the everyday growth...i love you both, you have always been in my corner and have always wanted the best for me...whether it was a nice pair of booty hugging jeans, or a loving man....even if he was crazy...

tonight i have been reading "for colored girls..." by ntozake shange...i should really have the whole thing memorized by now...and probably do...one of her "not-so-love" poems is stopping me tonight...its like im beginning to realize im not as strong as i think i am or wish to be...and maybe thats not such a bad thing...that whole strong back woman thing is played to the left...i am sitting in my vulnerability right now, and im dont feel bad about it or uncomfortable...fighting emotions is pointless...so im going to dwell in the fact that my feelings are on display right now and im not going to swallow them...im terrified...of liking someone...and thats okay...cause like my girl joan morgan says if some man drops the ball i can pick my ball back up and keep on stepping...it may hurt for awhile...but thats cool that just means im living...but who is to say that will happen? it may be one of the most beautifuul experiences in my life...and i will grow...and thats what life is about right? growing...loving...feeling...

did i mention the drinks i made tonight were bangin?

my cali girls are hurtin yall...and i dont know what to say to uplift them...i can only play tyler perry's "madea goes to jail" so many times before they tell me to shut it down...but im here with tissues and hugs and prayer...

this is what i got from ntozake tonight, this reminded me of our conversation:
"ive lost it
touch wit reality/i dont know who's doin it
i thot u waz but i waz so stupid i waz able to be hurt
& thats not real/not anymore/i shd be immune/if im
still alive & thats what i waz discussin/ how i am still
alive & my dependency on other livin beins for lov
i survive on intimacy & tomorrow/thats all ive got goin
& the music waz like smack & you knew abt that
& still refused my dance waz not enuf/& it waz all i had
but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of
soul & gender/ my love is too delicate to have thrown
back on my face"