stripped...

so i remember saying in my previous post that i had written a "thesis statement" about why i am no longer a writer.....well it has turned into much more than a simple statement...more of me looking in the mirror and showing what i see...
the couple people i have discussed this with have pretty much laughed it off as me bullshittin....but i am really feelin this right now....
this idea came to me while i was reading a book and i remember walking to the couch mumbling, "wow, i gotta see this," as if i was watching tv....and i stopped like wow i can SEE whats going on, a steady picture in my head as i read...it was great...and it hit me that it has always been like this for me...and after some other various thoughts i began this...hope you can follow me...

here goes:

i am a reader, an editor, an explicator of other people's words but i lack the essentials needed to place the title of writer anywhere near my name. why was i consumed with the idea that i was a a writer? simply because various people, the strongest of those voices belonging to my mother, told me that i have a talent for writing and so with those thoughts looming over my head i assumed that meant that i MUST write and that i MUST be good at it. i was under the impression that my calling\destiny\passion was for the pen.

i got a B.A. in English, i wrote papers, articles, essays, created fiction and non fiction works. i was a reporter for two years (i came into the profession thinking my voice needed to be heard, wanted to be heard, i have since learned, but that is another story for another time). i believed i was a story-telling intellectual.

as i look back through those years i see what i enjoyed most was reading. the opening of a book, the sifting through chapters was mind numbing. to see so many thoughts and ideas, -- underlining the extremely profound (IMHO) with my pen) --creating my own opinions. for awhile i didnt think i had an opinion on anything -- i now realize i only thought that because i didnt write an analysis on what my opinion was, like i thought i should (taught i should) in order to understand. but i did understand these great concepts i just rather speak about them than write about them. my love of reading was overshadowed with the thought that i need to write. and i felt like i was letting people down by not writing, because "that is what shauna was supposed to do."

many think i will write this great book before my time on this Earth is up. but i never thought that, i might edit a few great books before i leave, if i am lucky, and i am completely satisfied with that reality. i am no longer weighted down with the stressor of claiming to be a writer and yet writing nothing.
i can only write love poems and that irritates me to no end -- it DID anyway -- because me "the great writer" should have more range. but i am now free of that i am no longer married to the idea that i shauna marie HAVE to be a writer. i am relishing in the joy of being free from the burden that i placed upon myself years ago.