love and all that good shyt

so i have been thinking about love again...i mean, i love, love...i love seeing it, i love just feeling the vibes...its around that time of year and a couple friends of mine have gotten married, another has gotten engaged and my coworker just informed us she is preggers....its all love right?...thats wonderful..i love being around couples and people who really love other people...maybe it gives me hope that the world aint so damn bad...maybe i just like the look of love...when two people come together and you see the love between them, you see the closesness, the intimacy they share...i think its a beautiful thing to just look at...to take a step back and just be like "damn that love thing looks so damn good"...

so i was having a convo with derek...a convo about love/soulmates/God/faith...very informative...whats funny is that me "ms. fairytale romantic" told him that i do not believe all a marriage needs to work is love...i think more is needed...i think living off of love is good concept just not realistic...he on the other hand thinks love can conquer all and if two people love each other than can handle anything...and as good as that sounds...i feel its a fairytale thats just too far fetched for me to fathom...i believe in the power of love but i also have known relationships to fold and its not because the love wasnt there but because of other issues...

derek does not totally believe in soulmates, he believes in planning and making a way for yourself with follow-through and action...and i believe in God guiding our every step...i believe God is preparing me and is also preparing me a mate...i have faith in that...i know someone is out there for me...the things i have gone through in my life, the people i have met, the relationships i have formed were all experiences that i needed to go through to make me into a woman who will one day be ready to marry the man that God has ordained for me...and i am under the impression that there is a man out there going through things for the same reason and that one day, when God feels the time is right we will meet...or recconnect...and love will be there...along with all the other things that have shaped us to be compatible...i mean i really do believe in having the complete, wholesome "fairytale" relationship, i just dont beleive it can survive off of love alone..i believe there needs to be compromise, humility and understanding, among other things...

so then i started thinking about a post i wrote last summer when i was in reno handling career business..it along the same lines as the above...it happens to also be a favorite post of mine...

Conclusions...

so i picked up a book at the UNR library the other day and decided to crack it open last night...it was your basic storyline:

...various women characters unsatisfied with their lives and relationships, or lack of, share their stories, trials, tribulations, then somewhere along the way they all have revalations that allow them to pull their lives together....so after they go through the initial drama they all end up on the road to recovery and a few end up with "good men"...

basically its your everyday fairytale wrapped up into a 3 hour read...in other words......some simple FICTION....

but somewhere along the line i got to thinking (i think it was somewhere within one of the male bashing convos) what i realized is that i love hard....i closed the book at 12 sumthin this morning and that phrase popped in my head...i love hard....and then i was like well, ya know, im cool with loving hard and i dont want to change....

now im not naive, although i admit i have been before, i know that by putting my heart out there it can get stomped on, but ya know what, im cool with that, i can dig it....

i realized that i have always loved hard and even if it ended with me being angry, crying, throwin out their shyt - 'cept for a couple real good cd's - in the end i was smarter, stronger, i could still smile, i still loved myself, and i was capable of moving on and loving again....and that holding on to bitterness only holds me back...

now it took time and takes time to heal but tomorrow is not promised and every moment that ticks by is a moment i will never get back...so my plan is to keep myself open to all possibilites and to love hard everytime i get the opportunity and one day someone will come along and love me back just as hard and give of themselves as fully as i give myself...

i have concluded that hindsight is 20/20 - i havent been the best woman i can be in some instances and i have given myself to some toxic men, i have also been toxic and replled/repulsed some men...but ya know, those situations taught me a lot about who i am, who i want to grow to become and what i deserve...and i appreciate the love/lust tussles the i got myself into because they were just preparing me for my future....

okay, so my tangent just got a little crucial...but anyway all im sayin is although the book was a B-, in terms of plot, character development, and writing style, it did make me think and it did help me bring voice to the concusion that i am a firm believer in love and while i might not get the fairytale ending, if i keep loving hard the way i do.....i just might get damn close......