can i get some inspiration?

you know those folks who say they dont watch television, like its beneathe them, or they are too busy, got a life or somthin.....i aint one of them...on my days off if i aint at the mall trying not to buy anything or reading a book im sitting on the couch flippin channels in between naps...
so everyday i get up around 11 a.m. (perk of the job) and i eat, e-mail, talk on the phone and lounge around til noon when "starting over" comes on..you know that sow with iyanla vanzant? basically women come to the starting over house to rebuild there lives and start over...get away from the madness and bullshyt of the past and learn new habits in order to live a fulfilled life...you know im a strong advocate of women doing that they go to do to be happy and love themselves...
so anyway ms. vanzant recited one of her poems to this women who really needed it..and well, i have to post the sucker...cause ive been there...and im sure my time will come again...



YESTERDAY I CRIED
by Iyanla Vanzant

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonoured, disrespected and disconnected...

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had not shown up
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left to do is cry

Yesterday I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mummies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mummies get left, so they get mad...

I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go except deep into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good...
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.

i went crazy at borders...UPDATE

*starting this one tonight!


*starting this one tomorrow night!


*thinking about asking for my money back...and the sucker was WAY discounted...just didnt put me in an erotic mood...i only liked maybe 2 stories, well, maybe one, the one by jessica care moore, she played that one perfectly...anyway, i kept reading hoping it would get better, it didnt!


*his essays "of cannibals" and "of persuasion" are two of my fav....have to get ya pen out for this one and start underlining!


*i want to buy this book for everyone woman in my life...it just reaffirms how great it is to be a black woman, even through all the tribulations that come with life...only one thing i didnt like was the essay by melissa ford!


*umm, for it to be written by zane, it wasnt very sexy to me...i enjoyed it all the way up to the end...where i then proceeded to get mad! i get mad or sad when i end most books, but this one just pissed me off!


*will be starting this one later on this week!

some music is made for memories

i was driving to work the other week after picking up a fish burrito (i guess ive graduated from the fish tacos) and after a long night of hanging out that ended around 6:30 in the morning (my last late night for awhile) when the song "i gotta be" by jagged edge came on...that song took me back to 1999 and my then boyfriend Joe....we met a month before i left for college...we were going to make it work long distance cause we loved each other...ha...we had decided that was going to be our song...and now every time i hear that song i think of him...last time i talked to him he was happily engaged...
as i was weaving in and out of traffic i began creating a list of in my head of songs that take me back to moments and memories....

i had a friend Leedon..she was my GURL from 6th grade til about 10th grade...i remember i had just gotten the "waiting to exhale" soundtrack on TAPE...and we were diggin it...thinking we knew something about exhaling....there was a song on there called "kissing you" by faith...i remember sitting in my dads studio with Leedon, a small boombox between us and we out that song on repeat for HOURS...and we talked about whatever seventh or eigth grade girls talk about...thinking we had some real drama in our lives..HA

my sophmore year of college i was involved with a great guy, we alwyas called him by his last name Maxwell, he was a football player, they were all called by their last names...we had our issues but we were pretty cool...we were so laid back things just rolled smoothly with us...my best friend drea loved him cause he would cook and invite us to eat...sophmore year neither one of us had cars so his roomie would pick me up and id spend my weekend at their place (i hope my mama aint reading this, lol) everytime i hear any song off of Jill Scott's first album i think of Max cause he introduced me to her music...i think of the fun we had goofing off at his place on those weekends, taking pics, going to Fridays to eat...me playing wifey...after almost a year, i finally got tired of playing...but we always remained cool...

senior year of high school i ran around with a group of 6 girls, we did almost evreything together that year...i was closet to shrie...we had such a good time doing typical teen stuff...i love hanging out with her...i was so sheltered and she kinda of help put a crack in my shell...i remember riding around in her car all the time listening to lauryn hill's "ex-factor"...just singing the song like we really knew about heartache...maybe she did, i didnt, but lauryn's voice was so rich with emotion it made me think i knew a little somethin...i can play that song now and forreal relate to the words...

i dated this guy sean my junior year in college...he was this gorgeous guy from louisiana...he was seeing other people, i was seeing other people...okay, maybe dated is the wrong word for what we did...it was kinda hush hush for some reason...basically, i would go out with my girls, he would go out with his people, we would see each other at the same parties sometimes...although we never spoke to each other much...i would get back to my dorm room and pack a bag, he would call and tell me he was out front and we spent the weekend in his dorm room...he had the best dorm room, it was hooked up...i even helped him lay the carpet down, he had black lights, 2 double beds pushed together to create one giant bed which he then covered with a down feather bed and down comforter...it was a pretty plush dorm room once he got through decorating...he a great computer he had built and he had this music program on it which would chop and screw songs...he introduced me to choppin and screwin...he would spend hours doing that while i laid out on his bed reading a book or doing homework...he also introduced me to jazz...mostly coltrane...i bought this cd 'coltrane for lovers'' whenever i hear "in a sentimental mood" i think of sean... we would talk for hours about anything while listening to some jazz...we both had this artistic streak..we would read stuff to each other...its funny cause only a couple of my girls knew about him and i doubt he told many of his boys about me....we hung out my whole junior year...every other weekend i was with him...it didnt end well with us...funny, i still remember his phone number....

G fell into my life last year and made it much more productive with his encouraging words and quick wit...kept me from going out of my mind a few times...a great guy...showed me what a man is all about...he is a kindred spirit...i call him my twin...whenever i hear the song "everytime i go away" by brian mcknight i think of him...he burned the cd for me and i was like thanks...and i listened to it a little...it wasnt until i was taking him to the airport one day and the song came on that i really listened to the words...i dropped him off at the airport that day and played that song repeatedly on the 40 min trip back home..it was a great memory...i tried to get him to make it into a ring tone for me...great memories though...im so glad he is happy now..he def deserves it...

this may sounds kinda cold...but the song "Burn" by usher brings up memories of my ex-boyfriend jason...it was his ring tone for awhile too...until i could get through the pain of our break up....i remember i was in tennesse at my journalism fellowship at vanderbilt...i was there for 3 months..i thought we could last...i really thought i was going to marry this man....my mama did too...she still does...in my mamas eyes he can do no wrong...but the long distance didnt work out...we were good together but apart...not so much...i was experiencing so many new things....i new after this fellowship my life was never going to be the same...and it hasnt been....i remember the week before graduating from my program me and jason finally had "the convo"...i knew it was coming, but i wanted to hold on a pretend i didnt see the signs...he has always been the more "cut to the chase," "lets think realistically about this" one between us...i remember i didnt have a lot of time to cry because i was in the fellowship buliding finishing up a project and had to go to a networking dinner after...but in between that we talked on the phone and it was over...it hurt...but it was for the best...we are still good friends, although we dont speak as much as we used to..whenever i come home he makes sure he stops by to see me...and im proud of him, he has a lot of his plate, he is BUSY being sucessful and i cant be mad at him for that...he had always treated me with the utmost respect and love...

ill finish with my best friend andrea...me and this girl grew up together....granted we met in college...but forreal that is where we both grew up, went through a lot of painful lessons together...a lot of trials and tribs that helped build our character, and gave us our tough skin (and gooey interior,lol)....i cant even explain my love for this girl...she is my sister, no one knows me better, or can put up with me, or put me in my place like she can...and i just feel blessed to have her in my life...me and her have TOO many songs though....the whole r.kelly 12Play album, lol...we used to get DRESSED, get in the car, turn that album all the way up and drive down peachtree...didnt even hit up a club just drove around all night singing (and we cant sing), maybe going out to eat, maybe not...sophmore year, i got the maxwell unplugged album w/ "this womans work"...drea played it on repeat EVERY night, ALL night for quite possibly 2 months...our neighbors actually asked us to play something else...i began to detest the song...i can finally listen to it again now...the whole blueprint album, the chronic 2001 album, jadakiss songs "knock yourself out" and "we gonna make it," juvenile "back that ass up" when she had to literally carry my drunk butt off the floor - i never got drunk again! the song "P.Y.T." by memphis bleek....we would just pop in whatever cd we were feeling and ride almost every weekend for 4 years...drea you bet' not cry when you read this either...i know you! LOL

I went hiking...

...up a mountain....and i swear i will never do it again...
i have monday's and tuesdays off so over the weekdend at work i heard a couple co-workers saying they were gong hiking on tuesday...so i invited myself...we are a close knit group so someone is always inviting themselves somewhere...
now mind you it is about 100 degrees outside (thats actually a cool day) and we get to the mountain at about 3 p.m. instead of starting at the base we drive up a ways to this parking lot...the parking lot is for the tram - u can pay 20 dollars and take a rotating tram car (looks like a glorified, round incased ski lift)up to the toop of the moutain and go hiking on trails up further, or just take pics or the gorgeousness (not a word, i know), there is also a mountain top resturant...i took that trip when i first got here...ill post the pics maybe...
anyway, so me and my 2 co workers park in the lot and decide to trek down and then come back up...the walk down wasnt bad, its all an incline so you can feel it in your shins but its good exercise right...so we get about a mile and half down, wander around a bit then decide to come back up...at about the mile marker i tell the boys to go bring the car down and ill just stay here...but they werent having that...told me to test myself..to build up my endurance...then they tried to really get me...told me that this will help me build my endurance so the next time i have sex i can go all night...i looked at them and told them i dont need to go all night a good 15 minutes is fine with me...they laughed, i was serious...
so we keep climbing...going straight up, the incline was ridiculous, i could feel it in my butt, my thighs, shoot even my arms...my heart was racing...one of the guys told me to put my arms above my head...ummm, i tried but my arms couldnt make it that far..
so we climb some more..they are having a great time...one of the guys does this at least twice a week except he starts at the base goes 3 miles up and then 3 miles back down...oh HELL no...im drinking water, pouring water on my head, on my shirt i woulda pored it down my shorts but the guys woulda loved that too much...
finally we make it back to the car, where i promptly slip into the back seat...
i decided to check out my belly ring, something i do at least 3 times a day...dunno why...but i noticed that it was really red around the area and puffy...since we were driving back down the mountain anyway i tell them to drive downtown so i can go to the piercing shop...which is a few doors down from the bar we all hang out at..so you know where the guys went...so i go get it checked out, they tell me it is fine, nothing is wrong but ill probably have to come back in a couple weeks and get a gold ring...which makes sense..i can only wear gold in my ears or they get irritated so why shouldnt that be true for my belly...the piercing guy tells me for the gold bar its $150 buck but its $60 bucks for the hoop i said "what"...he laughed and says you are an expensive woman, i told him my mama tells me that at least once a week...and im getting the hoop later...
so i walk back down to the bar and take a seat with the boys...now mind you i look A HOT MESS, but im just not caring im happy to be off the mountain...they order beer and hot dogs, i get a smirnoff ice..not the best way to rehydrate, i know...
as we are talking i look out the window and see the cute guy i met last week he is a friend of a co-workers...he has the cutest dimples...so of course i tell the guys that "so-in-so's" friend from last week..oh really, go talk to him...i was like umm, no i look horrible...sooo one of them goes out and invites him in for a drink...damn...it was cool though we talked for almost an hour he is a nice guy...
we left after that and i got my car, went home and hit the shower...after all that i passed out on the couch around 10 and made it to my bed about 11...i got a couple text messages to come hang out but my body was hurting, i couldnt move...
so they want to go up this mountain again next tuesday..i keep saying naw i aint going...but i have a feeling i might end up climbing up the sucker again...my mama thought the idea of me hiking was hilarious...
im sitting at work now, finally got some down time cause it was a busy day...my body HURTS...i need a big bath tub, some epson salt and a massage...

July

i got this email from somewhere that is supposed to tell your personality by the month you were born...this actually describes me pretty well...

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

life in general

i am in the process of editing a book for my aunt..im so glad she hollered at me to do this...she is a psychiatrist and she is writing a small book on bird flu and holistic remedies and prevention...instead of running to the doctor for antibiotics she suggests other methods...i have actually learned a lot about different vitamins and supplements...i gave her my first round of edits, basically just punctuation/grammar type things...(you would never know it by this blog, but im actually great at editing..if i do say so myself...and i do...)i mean i do it for a living, i got to be decent right?...i plan on working on it some more tomorrow before work...she had some questions about what i thought about the flow and format...plus she is paying me $50 and hour so i want to make sure i deserve the money...this is a great opportunity for me because one day i want to get into book editing...so i am thrilled to be doing this...i printed out the book and put it in a binder...i send her the edits over email but i find it easier to grab a pen and highlighter and tackle it old school and then do it on the computer...i grabbed the binder the other day and went to my fav italian joint near my apartment and sat and ate and edited...i think next time ill go to starbucks, a co-worker told me of one that has a great view of the mountains...im feeling all scholarly...
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i went and dropped WAAAAY to much money on some new glasses and contacts the other day...the eye glases i got are Dolce&Gabana - very big splurge, that i really didnt need - but they are too hot...bronze wire frames with the D&G on the side, rectangle shape, not really bulky...they have a hot school teacher kinda flavor...then i got some sunglasses, the sun out here is ridiculous so to be safe i got some perscription sunglasses...and then i got a years supply of contacts..im glad my new eye insurance is so good...it covered over half the costs of all that...
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FITNESS UPDATE: last week i hit the treadmill real hard for about four days...not just walking, my behind was running up the incline setting like i was really on a mountain with some big animal chasing me...it felt good to just sweat like that...so i plan on doing that again this week...i also decided that i need to keep more fruit around so i have been buying strawberries, blackberries and watermelon, cutting them up and putting them in tupperware so i can chill on the couch and watch tv and eat some fruit instead of eating a bowl of homemade cookie dough...
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a few coworkers and i are talking about going to orange county for fourth of july...actually we wanna go july 3rd, so traffic wont be as bad...we wanna go chill at the beach all day and hang out...so we shall see if it happens...
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my parents will be here in about a month..im soo excited, i cant wait..i miss them....their anniversary is next week...36 years of marriage...they were high school sweethearts, they dated for 7 years before they got married so they have been together for 43 years (check my math, i used my fingers but i still have issues)..i think i should get them something for their anniversary...i never have before...maybe a card or sumthin...
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i am putting myself on a budget..this is going to be hard..but i wanna pay off my credit card and start truly saving...since i have been in cali, and began making double the amount i was making in indiana, and ive been pretty trif and careless with my money...just buying random stuff i dont need...like i went and bought 3 bottles of wine the other days...for what? i dont even plan on having anyone over anytime soon...so that means they wont be opened anytime soon..ive also reopened my charge to express..i havent shopped at express for some years...but they dont have a Limited store close by...express has a 22.9% apr...RIDICULOUS...i am paying it totally off whenever i purchase something though so i dont have to pay that...but i dont NEED anything, i have enough clothes so i really didnt need to open it back up...so once i pay this 40 bucks on it, im going to close it again...im really trying to be finanacially responsible...my mama worked hard so that my credit is excellent and im not trying to mess that up...i have a problem recording my debit transactions so im trying to find a way to make myself start doing it...
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started rereading "in search of our mothers gardens" by alice walker...one thing about book full of essays is that each time i open the book i find something new to dwell on....i have been having this dispute with a coworker regarding the use of the word "thick" and losing weight/being skinny/society/dieting...last time we had this discussion i told him i consider myself thick...and he tried to make it seem as if i referred to myself as thick because i have bought into societies obsession with being skinny...he said i am not thick and that thick is just another word for fat...and i was trying to explain that i like the word thick and that i do not think im anywhere near fat and that i am not skinny and dont want to be skinny...i am a nice solid size...he says i look like a women, i have the body of a woman..and i agree with that..i said i am thick, im curvy...and he kept telling me that i was calling myself fat...so we were just going around in circles...i was like dude im not fat, thick is a good thing, i got meat and muscle...but so what does this have to do with alice walker?...well in the beginning of the book she has a quote by bernice reagon, reagon says that in the black community when u talk about a woman "with big legs and big hips and black skin" its a good thing, it is an honor...black women are revered for their shapes...she goes on to say, "the values that(imply)you must be skinny come from another culture...those are not the values that i was given by the women who served as my models. i refuse to be judged by the values of another culture. i am a black woman, and i will stand as best i can in that imagery."

AMEN to that!