can i get some?

ive never been a very sensitive person...i have compassion, sympathy..i care....i just dont show it very well...i dont think i cry enough...my "college sweetheart" yeah we broke up over the phone while i was at the hair salon...my stylist finished my hair, i got in the car and i cried for maybe 10 minutes...by the time i arrived back on campus, my eyes were dry and i was trying to figure out what i was wearing to whatever party later that night...and that man was my love...

my brother has always been more sensitive...he knows exactly what to say in just about every situation dealing with other peoples emotions...and i envy that...i love watching him with people he has such charm and charisma...i bet he could get along with just about anyone...but dont get it twisted...he has a temper...you just dont see it too often...its something how the sweetest people are the ones who you know to stand clear from when they blow up cause its gonna be ugly...i think we actually may share that trait...

yeah but me...i can be standoffish at first...possibly even cold...depending on the circumstance...i need to warm up to people..im not people person right off the bat...i got this professional cool thing going for me...which can be a hinderance, or misunderstood..

when i was 2 i wouldnt go give my aunt a hug...instead i latched on to my mama and stuck a thumb in my mouth...my aunt called me stuck up...stuck up at age 2....lol...naw, i was just my mama's baby...

im still not stuck up...i have my moments where i just dont wanna deal with some folks...though i may give some folks crazy ass looks cause they say some dumb shyt...

so back to this sensitivity thing...im blunt...i dont really sugar coat...i cant lie for shyt...lying does me no good cause my face shows everything...

my cali girls have made me more aware of this sensitivity thing...they show all kinds of emotions...u know when they r hurt, u know when they are angry...foreign shyt to me, i swear i must wear some kind of veil over my emotions...well know not really...let me rephrase..my girls are vocal..if they are mad, the yell, when they are hurting, they cry...i dont think they have ever heard me yell...and the only reason one of girls saw me crying is because we decided to watch the movie the notebook..and if u dont cry during the notebook then you must really be out of touch...cause that movie will get you alll caught up...

so im not vocal...but you will know when i have an issue...im a spoiled brat an stubborn...i admit this...so if something is wrong...i wont speak, i wont look at anyone, i will barely engage in convo...if i get mad in the car, hold on to your seat...but i found i process slower...emotions simmer in me...they dont boil over...i have to process shyt out before i can talk about it...if i ever do say a word...shyt, this is why i write...i get all my thoughts out...then i get over it...

not the best way to deal with stuff cause a lot of times folks dont know what the hell went down...i feel that my girls are more honest with their shyt cause they let it all out at once...i let shyt flow through me...ya girl dont use her words...never have...maybe one day i will...dunno...but i might not use my words all the time but i also dont let folks run me over...i hope folks know their place with me...i try and make that clear...sometimes it works...sometimes it fails...such is life...ya learn, you grow...you keep pushin...

ok so one of my girls tells me i need to be more sensitive...and i try to explain to her its not that i want to be insensitive...i just process shyt differently...if someone tells me some sensitive shyt...it takes me a minute to wrap my heard around it..then i wonder if they want advice, or just an ear...sometimes my intuition is right, sometimes wrong...now...sometimes i say my first thought on the matter...and a lot of times i dont because i know its going to be harsh...but my face says it all and well we end up in a bad situation...and alla sudden im insensitive...gots to be more careful with those faces...but shyt, who am i foolin, that aint gonna change...

i guess because i rationalize things before i throw any emotion into it...my face shows the the rational...but i guess since the emotion takes a minute, no one gets to see that part and it is left buried inside me...ergo....im not sensitive...

i call up my mama and ask her if i am a sensitive person....my mama laughs...then she goes "huh?" (stalling)

then she laughs again...and says no

but you know what else my mama said..."shauna dont change for anyone"...

feeling a little dark today...

im fnally settled into my new place...ive been moved in since last week but i finally managed to start feeling comfortable yesterday when i got my room the way i wanted it...i put my canopy up above my bed, threw on my fav comforter and finally got all the clothes off of my floor and my teddy bears situated...i dont know why i take those teddy bears everywhere...habit i guess...i still have suitcases of books all over my room...i have two of my bookcases filled but i plan on buying new ones so i decided not to unpack the rest...but i cant wait until i do, i dont like having my books out of order...my collection is too precious to me...

i found an old journal of mine the other day...well not found but i actually opened it and read it...some of the stuff i have posted on this blog..i cant believe Spelangel has been up for more than two years...but reading a lot of my old thoughts really got to me...i feel so much older than the person who wrote all those words....i even read a few parts of the entries to my girls...ive come a long way in a short time..im just now realizing that...it feels good but i know there is still so much more...

i was in my car on the way to work and almost broke down crying...ive been feeling overwhlemed, worn out and tired the past couple of weeks and i couldnt shake it off...it dawned on my today...my soul is tired...just tired...ive been a shoulder for my friends..and while i dont mind being their for my friends..because i love them...im carrying the burden of their dramas...exactly what i didnt want to do to..i mean i do in the since that i want to be there for them but i cant carry their issues and mine...i got to give that up now...i had to ask God to take some of this...to relieve me...because i was doing too much on my own...im just wore out, that inner peace that usually surrounds me has been shaken and i cant be everything for everybody...ive head tension headaches, bodyaches, if i can get EXTRA personal...my period lasted a day and a half...that aint right..i cant even bleed right...im stressed..and im not the one with the issues...so you see my heart is just heavy...and i know God is the answer...pray for me

and send up one for my huny...i have a feeling he will be going back to Iraq (for his 3rd tour)...he hasnt said anything and its just a feeling...but im nervous...i hope whatever im feeling is wrong...other than my crazy feeling we are good...i miss his quiet ass...even though i just saw him a few days ago...its like that sometimes though...

i think its ex-boyfriend week again..ive talked to two of them this week...one had a birthday a few days ago so i called him...a mistake...he started trippin a little...but i dont expect anything less...he is who he is...
the other called me...telling me about his woman issues...which is fine...my thing is he never asks me how i am doing...same problem we had in our relationship...no reciprocity...which is fine i dont really want to tell him about my man..but its just the principle of it...

ooh but anyway...keep ya girl in your thoughts...its almost midnight, i get off in a ew and im about to make a run to wal-mart...i MUST HAVE coffee and water in my apartment at all times and im running low on both...