saying goodbye to a good month

its been a sweet month...my daddy turned 63 a couple weeks ago...my bro fell truly, madly, deeply in love with some woman he is calling "the one" who i have yet to meet and size up...my mama is still making sure everyone in her family is staying healthy and happy...and i have spent the month working and being a home body...i did manage to go see a few movies (semi-pro = funny...shutter = should have waited for the dvd), hit up olive garden and my fav sushi spot, put together an impromptu bbq complete with margaritas and a very vocal, and slightly heated game of Cranium and drink numerous bottle of champagne....

i thought of a few things to write about...my sister circle of bloggers...i just want to reach out and hug all yall...reading your thoughts and experiences keeps me motivated to place my hopes and dreams out there...

i noticed i havent been reading as much as i used to...im thinking its because i have been watching more movies...books used to be my escape and maybe movies are becoming that too...still there is nothing better than cracking open a new book..so i may have to make some time to get back to reading...something i have loved to do since i was little...i get off work early tonight and my sweetie is going to go hang out with his boys so maybe i will get a new book started since i have the place to myself...i have a couple books on the shelves i have been meaning to get to for quite a while...

life is quiet right now...flowing...i was just talking to my girl andrea about not letting life get to stale...we agreed that we should never be afraid to reinvent ourselves..or step out and try something new...be it career, fashion or relationship...i belive any facet of your life can be freshened up, or changed...why let yourself get stuck in a rut? i feel like that sometimes...i feel like my life is so planned out...im feeling rather vanilla...and i cant wait for somthing to happen..i have to make it happen..i pray a lot about life too..ask for direction...i do dream big...and i love that part of me...but i also must be realistic...and i know that God will keep me in line...lol...i want a lot for myself...and i cant be lazy about life...see, what happens when you have good conversation with friends? life just seems so much easier...and you tend to smile more...

broken hearted...

so ive been telling myself that i have been mourning a lost friendship....but this cant be true...ive went through all kinds of emotions...mainly anger, sadness and disappointment...i dont even like reminising sometimes on the good times...i guess because i dont want myself to care about her anymore...i do think about her from time to time...we became fast friends..and she was like a sister to me...i had her back, she had mine...most of the time i pretend its the money that came between us...and a lot of it is the money...when she left i told her please dont let the rent come between our friendship....and it has...im pretty sure ill never see my money....i used to text her every couple weeks and remind her...then i stopped...i thought about taking her to court to get the money...but thats soo much drama...i also think that was a grown ass woman part of living life is handling your business without having someone breathing down your back..a lot of times i see it is a learning experience...but im pretty sure that i knew all along i would never see a dime...in fact id be surprised if i saw any of it...the money really affected me...but i also realize before it came down to money there was already a wedge growing...i honestly wish her well..im not a pissed off as i used to be..and i like having the apartment to myself...my sweetie is more comfortable too...he was always so stiff aorund her...he never trusted her...he is a good judge of character too....

i know this woman..i know her like the back of my hand...i allowed myself to reveal my whole self to her...and i feel like she didnt respect me or appreciate me...but then i think a little harder and remind myself she couldnt love me as i loved her, as a sister....because she hadnt yet learned to love herself, forgive herself...she always had good intentions...but you know that saying...

so i had been telling myself to feel the emotions because i was mourning a friendship...but thats not being fair to her...i have to look at myself too...and be honest...in the months she left i think i called her twice...and most of the time when i texted or e-mailed it wasnt to see how she was doing but wondering if she had any of the money she owed...i didnt behave as a good friend...i didnt fight for the relationship...i just let it dwindle....i felt us growing apart when we were roomies and i didnt try to stop it...so some of that anger i feel is directed at myself too...sometimes i think wonder how our relationship would be if i had tried more...

we used to have a lot of fun...and i hate thinkings about all the good times...cause then i start missing the person she used to be...

yall have to bear with me...or not...im thinking all this through as i type so i may be going in circles...

i think i would still be where i am now, even if i tried to keep the relationship going..because it takes two in a friendship..and neither of us tried...the one time she called me was because i sent her a text saying i would not try and text her again since she never returned them...and i think the only reason she called is because she still had stuff in the apartment and didnt want to sever ties until she got it....


i feel like i am writing about her so harshly..i really do hope she is living a good life...i want her to be happy because i am happy...at the same time that friendship took a lot out of me...and left me with some bittterness...in the end i felt like i couldnt trust her, she never gave me the whole truth...she would give me the bits she thought i wanted to hear...like i was going to leave..and in the end..that way of covering things up, and being sneaky did make me back away...i didnt feel like i could leave my secrets, hopes, desires or experiences with her anymore...i felt like she had abused my love for her...i guess thats what hurt the most..