broken hearted...

so ive been telling myself that i have been mourning a lost friendship....but this cant be true...ive went through all kinds of emotions...mainly anger, sadness and disappointment...i dont even like reminising sometimes on the good times...i guess because i dont want myself to care about her anymore...i do think about her from time to time...we became fast friends..and she was like a sister to me...i had her back, she had mine...most of the time i pretend its the money that came between us...and a lot of it is the money...when she left i told her please dont let the rent come between our friendship....and it has...im pretty sure ill never see my money....i used to text her every couple weeks and remind her...then i stopped...i thought about taking her to court to get the money...but thats soo much drama...i also think that was a grown ass woman part of living life is handling your business without having someone breathing down your back..a lot of times i see it is a learning experience...but im pretty sure that i knew all along i would never see a dime...in fact id be surprised if i saw any of it...the money really affected me...but i also realize before it came down to money there was already a wedge growing...i honestly wish her well..im not a pissed off as i used to be..and i like having the apartment to myself...my sweetie is more comfortable too...he was always so stiff aorund her...he never trusted her...he is a good judge of character too....

i know this woman..i know her like the back of my hand...i allowed myself to reveal my whole self to her...and i feel like she didnt respect me or appreciate me...but then i think a little harder and remind myself she couldnt love me as i loved her, as a sister....because she hadnt yet learned to love herself, forgive herself...she always had good intentions...but you know that saying...

so i had been telling myself to feel the emotions because i was mourning a friendship...but thats not being fair to her...i have to look at myself too...and be honest...in the months she left i think i called her twice...and most of the time when i texted or e-mailed it wasnt to see how she was doing but wondering if she had any of the money she owed...i didnt behave as a good friend...i didnt fight for the relationship...i just let it dwindle....i felt us growing apart when we were roomies and i didnt try to stop it...so some of that anger i feel is directed at myself too...sometimes i think wonder how our relationship would be if i had tried more...

we used to have a lot of fun...and i hate thinkings about all the good times...cause then i start missing the person she used to be...

yall have to bear with me...or not...im thinking all this through as i type so i may be going in circles...

i think i would still be where i am now, even if i tried to keep the relationship going..because it takes two in a friendship..and neither of us tried...the one time she called me was because i sent her a text saying i would not try and text her again since she never returned them...and i think the only reason she called is because she still had stuff in the apartment and didnt want to sever ties until she got it....


i feel like i am writing about her so harshly..i really do hope she is living a good life...i want her to be happy because i am happy...at the same time that friendship took a lot out of me...and left me with some bittterness...in the end i felt like i couldnt trust her, she never gave me the whole truth...she would give me the bits she thought i wanted to hear...like i was going to leave..and in the end..that way of covering things up, and being sneaky did make me back away...i didnt feel like i could leave my secrets, hopes, desires or experiences with her anymore...i felt like she had abused my love for her...i guess thats what hurt the most..