MEN AND FLIES.....

SOME NEGRO'S (MEN) I SWEAR..........


*SHAKIN MY HEAD*........*ROLLIN MY EYES*


WHY????


PITIFUL........


BUT YA KNOW......ITS MY FAULT FOR EVEN ENTERTAINING THEM........


GIVING THEM A SEMBLANCE OF HOPE.......


JUST SO I CAN DASH IT AND THEN LAUGH.....


THATS MEAN.......*SHRUGS SHOULDERS*



THEY ALWAYS WANNA TRY AND COME BACK.....



TALKIN, TALKIN, TALKIN BUT NOT SAYING ANYTHING......



I NEED TO SHUT DOWN THE CONVERSATION A LOT SOONER......



YOU ALWAYS MISS WHAT YOU HAD WHEN ITS GONE AND NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU ANYMORE......


OH WELL......


NOT MY PROBLEM......


ITS THE PAST.....


IM IN THE PRESENT.....


AND WALKING TOWARDS THE FUTURE.......

Sound Bites...

*i think i must have over blogged the other week because i havent wrote anything in a little while, i usually dont go more than a few days, but i just wasnt feelin like typing, i suppose i was being rather lazy....although i wasnt writing anything i was reading a few blogs so if you have the time or any type of urge
check out byroncrawford, sexandthesecondcity, and zami network
ill post more of my other blog interests and link these three and the rest later....the formatting on my work computer doesnt allow me link or do a lot of other things, thank God they are in the process of getting me a new one and i have one of the tech guys here checking out my home computer because it is running xtra slow, its time for a new one but i have no new money - so bare with me, imma get it done eventually...

*im still triyng to get into trying to get xtra healthy...since ive decided that im not doing the diet thing ive really gone overbaord on the healthy eating and am trying to get my workout regimen together...im so unmotivated but i did a few small things...
i went to Glamour Magazine and got on the "body by glamour" program, its a 3 month program, basically i like to use it to record my eating habits for the day, its also gives me workouts and lets me keep track of my progress, like how many calories i burned working out and how many minutes i worked out each day...blah, blah, blah....
but i enjoy recording those things it helps me to motivate myself a little and i have no kind of motivation when it comes to working out.....the idea to put my pants outside my closet door as motivation to fit back in them, well it didnt work....
i also went to Fitness Magazine and Prevention Magazine and got some great recipes...i eat a lot of fish and they had some great fish recipes....so hopefully once i make them they will be on point...

*ive been watching American Idol...i want Vonzell to win, at the same time i dont want her to win....i want her to win because she is really good but i dont want her to end up like ruben or even fantasia....they definitely dont get all the exposure that they could get and they are both extremely talented...we few of us in the newsroom have an American Idol bracket goin on, its similar too the March Madness brackets...except we dont have a pot...so far im not doing that well...

*why do these women at work insist on leaving doo-doo stains in the toilet? i mean if i have to go that bad in a public restroom, i am going to turn around and look to make sure everything flushed on down....but what do some of these ladies do - they just put the top down on the toilet....ewwwww....they let all that funk simmer and then when i come in to get my bathroom on i get blown away by the smell and the sight of someone else's remains....im going to need some of these folks to get it together...

*i had a wonderful weekend...a friend came into visit and we had a good time just hanging out with each other...we went out to eat and walking in the mall...we just did little stuff like go grocery shopping and cooking, we made daquiri's and watched part of the 19 hour Girlfriend's marathon that was on BET (BET also needs to get it together)...we did a lot of talking and we took a couple naps, all the food we consumed gave us the 'itis...it was fun relaxing with someone, sometimes it feels good to have someone in your space, especially when it is someone you really want to share your space with...

**groan** "dude i used to deal with" called me twice over the weekend, i was busy enjoying my company so i didnt pick up...so he calls me monday afternoon complaining about how i cant pick up the phone....GET OVER IT...i dont like stuff like that call me to say hi dont call me to bring up shyt like me not picking up the phone, obviously u are not that important, or i was doing other things and didnt feel like talking to you...so he is babbling about something im not really listening, and then he starts talkin bout how i just wanted to be platonic...ummm, yeah so...
i was like: even before i made that decision we werent having sex
he was like: yes we were
i was like: nope it had been over a month, almost two months since we had gotten down
THEN he was like: naw we had sex a good two weeks before we had that talk and made that decision
i was like: well, maybe YOU did but I wasnt a part of that sex session

DAMN, they always tell on themselves...he got real quiet then, and ended the convo....lol...
glad i got all checked out at the doctors and everything with me is cool and everything is how it is supposed to be...i woke up this morning and noticed he had called AGAIN last night while i was sleep....why all the calling, i dont get it, whats with all the concern.....SUCKA!

aiight thats it for now....this was suposed to be a short entry, but ive never been very good at making them short....once again ill edit and throw in the links when i can get around to it....

Dating Quiz Results...

I got this from NAHLATERZ's blog....a fun little quiz...not sure how i feel about it just yet but it got a few things right....

Your dating personality profile: Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance. Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.

Your date match profile: Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life. Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Stylish 2. Adventurous 3. Liberal 4. Sensual 5. Religious 6. Big-Hearted 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Funny 9. Intellectual 10. Outgoing

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Practical 2. Big-Hearted 3. Religious 4. Stylish 5. Shy 6. Conservative 7. Adventurous 8. Sensual 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Funny

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

Out of Boredum...

...this blog entry is birthed....

yep, another saturday in my cozy apartment....ive gotten used to this quiet life but sometimes i miss getting dressed up and going to a lounge or party....and while i could do that now, especially since there is a little sumthin goin on next weekend (but ill be busy *big smile*) that i got e-vited too, im not crunk to go to it...cause my girls aint here, the whole purpose of going out to me is to be with your people...unless its a business sort of thing...and then its all about networking...and there is a networking event in a few weeks that my one of my organizations is putting together so i know ill be there, i need some new contacts anyway...but i just meant getting cute for no reason other than to go to dinner with my girls and then hit some party later...college life was good..no real responsibility, barely any money, friends always around....blah, blah, blah....but i dont want to go back....

so i uh talked to my "oldest friend" over AIM last night...im having a problem with the word friend at the moment regarding her...technically we never fell out, we have just chosen different paths...she used to be my best friend, and i suppose she still is, if we want to just use words...but hmmm, lets just say i havent talked to her in a few months, and havent had the urge to call her...i dont feel like she is missing in my life...is that harsh?...i mean we slightly caught up...she asked me questions about my life and i deflected them back to her not giving up any info and she did the same to me, being vague about what she has been going through...you dont do that to someone u consider a friend right?...

during that convo she asked me if i had spoke to jason (my ex), she had actually hooked us up and we were going strong until last year when i moved to nashville for 3 months to do my journalism fellowship...i remember around april last year he said to me "out of sight, out of mind"...and i thought my heart was going to break, we broke up 2 weeks before i came back home to pack up and move to where i am now...we had "break-up sex"...and went our separate ways...i saw him around x-mas....and i felt nothing for him....actually i think i really stopped wishing him back in my life around my birthday last year...that would be july...it took some time, and a lot of writing to realize that i didnt want him anymore, he wasnt giving me what i needed and i was happier alone...he was not the man for me and you know what i was okay with that, and yes i could be his friend but i didnt really need his friendship, i didnt need to reach out to him...okay back to the beginning...my "friend" brought him up, asked if i had heard from him, i said he had called on v-day...she said i hear he has a new girlfriend, and i said i wasnt surprised...sometimes when someone brings someone from your past up u think "what if"...but ya know what, i didnt...

so.....when is vivian green going to come out with something new? i still have her album on rotation....its one of those albums u just put on repeat, light a bunch of candles, grab a glass of wine and a novel, lay back on the couch or bed and just read through the night...or course the wine will make u a little sleepy, so make sure you blow out the candles before u hit the bed...

i have this man in my life.....im feelin him....he is feelin me....and thats all i have to say about that...for the moment...

i think it is time to end this entry....im feelin xtra fem at the moment...i think its cause i had a nice peaceful day...time to do the beauty thing...i just read my Glamour mag for the month so i got a few ideas i might try....but for now i gotta do the facial peel, possibly a peticure, do something with my hair, its time for a trim , maybe ill hook that up tomorrow...lets see i think that will be all i do 2nite....exciting right....uh yeah....

Create a Caption...

"Insomnia" by Will Brent



the photographer of this picture named this "Insomnia".....but uh, what other names could this be called...so....create your own caption....

i think i'd call it..."turn over and let me see what u workin with".......maybe that title is too long....hmmmm.....maybe....."damn thats a greasy booty"......or "integration" (you know black on white)......

Practicing safe blogging

Personal Web blogs are hugely popular. They're also landing some people in a heap of trouble.

April 8, 2005: 12:57 PM EDT
By Krysten Crawford, CNN/Money staff writer

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Add blogging to the list of extracurricular activities in need of some protection. As many as 40,000 personal Web diaries -- dubbed "blogs" -- crop up each day, reports Technorati, a San Francisco startup that tracks Web logs.

Overall, there are just over 8.5 million virtual diaries, up from 100,000 two years ago, as Average Joes, CEOs and political foes turn to blogs opine on everything from Pope John Paul II's death and "First Twin" Jenna Bush to the Red Sox and housing costs.

Blogs are shaking up the Internet but they're also raising a lot of alarms -- and, in some cases, landing their authors in hot water.

A Google employee lost his job after gabbing on a blog about internal goings-on at the Internet search engine giant. Last month, Apple Computer won a court order seeking the identities of bloggers who revealed on-line confidential information about a company product in development.

Families too have been known to find out on a blog more information than they ever wanted to know about a relative's uncensored sex life.

Clearly there's a need for a few rules of the "blogosphere" road.

On Thursday the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a San Francisco digital rights group that wants to protect bloggers, released a guide to help virtual diarists avoid the wrath of Mom, the boss or just about anyone else.

"If you blog, there are no guarantees you'll attract a readership of thousands," states the manual. "But at least a few readers will find your blog, and they may be people you'd least want to expect....And there may be consequences."

Below, a few tips from "How to Blog Safely (About Work and Anything Else)":

A is for Anonymous First, the "no duh" warning: don't post any pictures, reveal your name or even confess you work for, say, an unnamed weekly newspaper in Seattle. "(I)t's clear that you work in one of two places," cautions the guide. Posting using a pseudonym is smart but, if you think using "Leanne" when your name is Annalee is a good idea, think again.

Technology as Alibi Superficial disguises go only so far when every wannabe pundit also has a unique -- and, unfortunately, traceable -- Internet address. The good news is, there are services like Invisiblog.com, Anonymizer.com and Tor that specialize in helping you keep your address and your identity under wraps.

Be Exclusive You don't have to let the whole world watch. You can set up a blog that is password-protected. Blogging services such as LiveJournal let you decide who gets to see all or parts of your blog. Turns out, you can also block Google and other major search engines from listing your blog in Internet search results. To do so, you need to create a special file called a "Robots Text File."

Have a Blog and Keep Your Job Mark Jen, the fired Google worker, isn't the only blogger to land on the unemployment lines. Delta Air Lines, Microsoft and Friendster, the on-line social networking service, have all allegedly canned hired help for blogging. Countless other employers are taking steps to prevent loose-lipped workers from disclosing company information on the Internet.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, the First Amendment protects against censorship by the government, not employers or any other private party. In most states, employment is considered "at will," which means that employees can quit and employers can fire anytime and for any reason.

And no states have laws to protect bloggers from job or any other discrimination, according to the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

There is some good news, but not much. Most states specifically protect workers' political activities and opinions. Using a blog as a unionizing tool is also protected.

Workers who blow the whistle on illegal activities by their employers also enjoy certain safeguards, but should "notify somebody in authority about the sludge (their) company is dumping in the wetlands first, then blog about it," the guide states.

And, of course, government workers are free to carp all they want online as long as they don't reveal classified or confidential information.

The Safest Way of All This isn't in the how-to blog guide, but remember the old days of paper and pen diaries? True, the audience is limited to the authors themselves and maybe a snooping sibling or two. Ones with a lock and key work best.

I have an Ear Infection!

so...i had a cold that started up last tuesday...coughing, and congestion...by friday i was miserable and left work early....i was pumping myself full of Advil sinus/headache and Wallgreen's version of Robotussin, Wal-Tussin (which is actually exactly the same as the more expensive Robotussin, check the ingredients, and 2 bucks cheaper)...so i am miserable most the weekend but i wake up on Sunday feelin better, i go to church, take myself to see the movie Beauty Shop, which inspired me to do my hair so i ran to Target's grabbed a semi-permanent hair dye in some kind of Auburn color...i got home did my hair, cleaned my apartment, watched tv, talked to my man-friend, and went to sleep...

i woke up on Monday and i just knew that my cold was about gone...i even shaved my legs that morning and put on a cute skirt for work...fast forward to Wednesday, i woke up that morning and couldnt hear out of my right ear, i thought i was trippin, i was like it will go away, i just need to swallow or sumthin and make my ear pop...uh that didnt work, no matter how many times i did it...so i went onto work...and after about an hour, i was through with my morning work, i told my co-workers, i would be back, i couldnt hear out my ear and it was starting to hurt, i was taking my happy azz to the doctor's...

so i went to the doc's...he came in and checked my ears'and was like "Im surprised u can hear at all,"...well dang....he told me both ears were backed up and needed to be flushed out...i had that done once before, not the most glamorous feeling in the world...so the nurse came in with this big suringe and filled up this bucket looking thing with a water/hydrogen-peroxide mixture and then proceeded to tell me to hold this cup type thing under my ear while she shot the mxiture into my ear thru the syringe....this really irritated my ears and got me kinda wet...but i could hear when she was done...so the doc comes back in, looks in my ears, and tell me i have an ear infection thats why iwasnt getting any better....dang, an ear infection!...

so anyway he writes me some perscriptions, i get them filled and i take myself back to work...because i am such a dedicated employee...LMAO....yeah...so...my boss is like go home, go home...and i was like naw, i can stick it out the rest of the day...so then...when i get to work on Thursday, i must look like death or sumthin cause im not at work for 10 minbefore my boss tells me to go home...so i pack up and i go home...on the way home i call my man-friend andt hen my mama (my parents were actaully on their waydown to see me) and then i sleep til like 1 p.m...

i do some very, very light cleaning of my apartment, meaning i hide my liquor stash (which consists of a bottle of rum, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of wine - in not a big drinker), my birth control pills, and various little things that they might ask questions about...my parents arent stoopid people, in fact they are both of above average intelligence so yes they do know that i drink on occasion and i have had sex...but, i dont want to just put it out in their faces like that, out of respect for them...and i haveto still keep my angel image up...well whats left of it anyway...

so they get to my place and we chill go around town and go to eat...do the parent/child thing...and then they go to their hotel...my place isnt big enough to accomodate all us...i mean who is really going to sleep on the floor???...but anyway...im feelin much better today, the antibiotics are doing their thing andthe doc gave me some decongestant medicine...so thats working, i mean im hacking stuff up and blowing stuff out....my ears still feel a little weird but hoepfully ill have to weekend to get back to my sassy, fiesty self....

Kanye

i was listening to MTV on my radio this morning on my way to work and they had an interview with Kanye West....he was telling about his accident which inspired the song "Through the Wire"...it was actually a decent interview...

im not a bigKanye fan, mostly because from what i have seen on TV, i dont really feel him....his attitude bothers me...im all for being confident and im all for being xtra knowledgable of your chosen craft/profession but he seems like a spoiled brat at times...plus i dont think he interviews well, most interviews with him just made me roll my eyes, somma the stuff that comes out his mouth makes me wonder...im just not a big fan period of him although i do like quite a few of his song.s..i actually have to separate the man from his music in order to listen to it without bias...

same way i have to do when i am confronted with themusic of Usher...i love the man's music and his voice but his personality irks me...i told myself to take a step back though...what if iwas Kanye's or Usher's homegirl...i have a few guy friends who some of my other friend's never really liked too much, but its because around people they were wearing this mask, but one-on-one they felt more comfortable to take the mask down and we could have really, deep discussions...so if i was a homegirl to these star's would i get a whole 'nother personality from them?...would they show me a different side of themselves?...i would hope so...i would hope that away from the spotlight they r cool people...i mean someone loves then, even if it is just their mothers...

i got all off topic...as usual...after the interview with Kanye they played the song"Through the Wire"...and i could really hear the difference in his voice, i could tell that his jaw was wired shut when he made it...for some reason i felt proud of him, he lived through a nearly fatal car accident and he came back to tell about it...in the song he says something along the lines of sorry to the listener's if they cant understand him but he just had a lot to get off his chest...i really felt that because sometimes life gets kinda deep and u just have to get it all out...my way is usually by writing, as was his, his outlet was making the song...thats hot, he took all the pain and directed it towards his passion which seems to be his music...

i can reallyfeel that...i can really commend that, no matter how i feel about him i can take a step back and be like that man did his thing...he took all that happened to him and he focused it...in the interview he said that he saw his jaw in his rearview mirror right after the accident took place and could see his jaw smashed into his face...he was also brave enough to call his woman and told her to call his mama...he said he apologized to his woman...he said no matter how much u hurt yourself, the people u love will always hurt more for you...and i felt that...

i saw a side of Kanye i hadnt seen before...i think this particular interview along with the song afterwards really humanized Kanye for me...u cant talk about a life changing event while putting on airs, so for once i sensed a humility about Kanye, a humilitythat i wish i could see more often...

oooh, but the life of a rap star...sometimes u dont get that...even when they try and convey it through their music...sometimes u hear their deepness, the thoughts that they speak about in the music, but then u see the artist acting like an ass on tv...and u cant put the two together...like how did these thought provoking lyrics come from such an emptyperson.....its all in the attitude, its all in the masks...sometimes i wish artists could just not be afraid to tear down the mask and let their fans seeTHEM...Kanye did that for me this morning and now i have much more respect for him because he let me see the man behind the mask...

Ranting....

Things that have been bothering me....

- there is this on-going battle/debate about religion and spirituality at the message board i frequent...post such as "where, who, and what is God",and "Is there a devil?"...and many, many more..thing is they r not productive...these aren't discussions - look up the definition of discussion for those who dont know - these are just internet shouting matches, just people stating their beliefs and/or belittling others for there beliefs, and no one is listening just attacking...basically just a lot of back and forth...ive decided not to go into that specific forum on the site any more because it does nothing for me, its doesnt enlighten me or encourage me or make me ponder things...im all for a good debate or discussion but not the craziness that is going on in there...i believe in questioning things, and i think people need to find there own way, or their own answers...ive never quesitoned that fact that there is a God in my life, for the simple fact that i dont feel i have to, ive seen Him work in my life...ive always believed and i will continue to believe in the Bible and its teachings...but thats me, thats my belief, my stance...there are a lot of people out there who would not agree with me or try to challenge my stance but honestly i dont feel i have to prove who or what God is to me...

- my computer at home has been xtra slow...it about 5 years old now, maybe a little older...and is just not at the level it used to be on...i have broadband but my computer is so full of spyware and other junk that it runs as if it is a dial-up...so it is just pissing me off...im tired of the slowness..but there is really nothing i can do about it at the moment...at least not until i get some xtra money, and who knows when that will be...the life of a beginning journalist is not lucrative...but one day, maybe one day it will be...the tech guy at work was telling me i should get a mac mini...its like $500...and basically from what i saw on the website is a great investment...plus there arent really any spyware/virus programs out there that can attack mac like they do windows...so im looking into it..maybe i can strike up a deal with my parents..some type of loan type thing...i bet id write more if my computer was worthy of my thoughts...

- BILLS, BILLS, BILLS....they are interfering with me getting my spring fashions together - and i DO have a list of what i want - and they are also in the way of me traveling...im in the process of trying to save up for my annual trip to NYC in July...i have to see my best friend its been almost a year since we hung out...and i miss the girl...

- ive been feeling stagnant again and unsure of my purpose...i want to write but sometimes i question that want...because honestly when it comes down to it im just not as comnfident in my writing skills as i would like to be...i know writing comes natural to me, writing always has but sometimes i just get down on myself...i also know that i have to work at and practice these "natural abilities" that is one reason i started this blog...i have various stories and poems "in the works" i would just like to finish one...i have this new inspiration in my life that i havent been able to put into words...or at least complete thoughts that make sense...but u know what...i cant give up...although doubt does still lingers in the back of my mind and haunts me...but not all the time, sometimes i really feel confident, i just need to get that back, its tough being in a state of writers block...that "block" part is soo true...maybe i should pray...

I made a list of WHAT IF'S....

What if...
...im not living my life? who's life would i be living?
...i was a rapper? what would my name be?
...im smarter than i think i am? how will i ever know?
...i could never "scrump" again? could i live with just memories?
...i was America's Next Top Model?
...i was white?
...i was a painter and not a writer? or what if i was a mathimatician?
...i never questioned any of my actions? or the consequences of them?
...i hurt you? would u hurt me back?
...i achieve all my goals?
...i never wrote this?


im jealous...not a good thing but i am...know what im jealous of?...im jealous of the look my dad gets on his face when he is playing the piano? the look of complete contentment...that look of complete satisfaction...that look of the world blocked out and the creativity flowing out...the look of being totally wrapped up within yourself...i bet my dad looks like that when he is having a good dream...i keep wondering when do i look like that...i remember feeling like that last time i wrote a poem...i love this poem...i love the feeling of loving my work, loving something that came from me...

i think ill post it...

Broken Consentration

i was trying to read about how ntozake's colored girls had considered suicide
and leroi was trying to explain to me why he changed his name to baraka
but all i could think about was how inviting you lips looked
all of a sudden the roar of langstons rivers sounded like your laugh
and zoras eyes might have been watching God but i was lost deep in yours
and i couldnt comprehend why alice was going on about the color purple
because all i was aware of was the mohagony color of your skin
every fiber in my body was trying to pay attention to richard and his boy bigger
but i kept getting distracted by your long slender fingers
so i gave up on them and i came to you
and even ms militant giovanni
had to crack a smile
at how perfect
i fit in your lap