Things that have been bothering me....
- there is this on-going battle/debate about religion and spirituality at the message board i frequent...post such as "where, who, and what is God",and "Is there a devil?"...and many, many more..thing is they r not productive...these aren't discussions - look up the definition of discussion for those who dont know - these are just internet shouting matches, just people stating their beliefs and/or belittling others for there beliefs, and no one is listening just attacking...basically just a lot of back and forth...ive decided not to go into that specific forum on the site any more because it does nothing for me, its doesnt enlighten me or encourage me or make me ponder things...im all for a good debate or discussion but not the craziness that is going on in there...i believe in questioning things, and i think people need to find there own way, or their own answers...ive never quesitoned that fact that there is a God in my life, for the simple fact that i dont feel i have to, ive seen Him work in my life...ive always believed and i will continue to believe in the Bible and its teachings...but thats me, thats my belief, my stance...there are a lot of people out there who would not agree with me or try to challenge my stance but honestly i dont feel i have to prove who or what God is to me...
- my computer at home has been xtra slow...it about 5 years old now, maybe a little older...and is just not at the level it used to be on...i have broadband but my computer is so full of spyware and other junk that it runs as if it is a dial-up...so it is just pissing me off...im tired of the slowness..but there is really nothing i can do about it at the moment...at least not until i get some xtra money, and who knows when that will be...the life of a beginning journalist is not lucrative...but one day, maybe one day it will be...the tech guy at work was telling me i should get a mac mini...its like $500...and basically from what i saw on the website is a great investment...plus there arent really any spyware/virus programs out there that can attack mac like they do windows...so im looking into it..maybe i can strike up a deal with my parents..some type of loan type thing...i bet id write more if my computer was worthy of my thoughts...
- BILLS, BILLS, BILLS....they are interfering with me getting my spring fashions together - and i DO have a list of what i want - and they are also in the way of me traveling...im in the process of trying to save up for my annual trip to NYC in July...i have to see my best friend its been almost a year since we hung out...and i miss the girl...
- ive been feeling stagnant again and unsure of my purpose...i want to write but sometimes i question that want...because honestly when it comes down to it im just not as comnfident in my writing skills as i would like to be...i know writing comes natural to me, writing always has but sometimes i just get down on myself...i also know that i have to work at and practice these "natural abilities" that is one reason i started this blog...i have various stories and poems "in the works" i would just like to finish one...i have this new inspiration in my life that i havent been able to put into words...or at least complete thoughts that make sense...but u know what...i cant give up...although doubt does still lingers in the back of my mind and haunts me...but not all the time, sometimes i really feel confident, i just need to get that back, its tough being in a state of writers block...that "block" part is soo true...maybe i should pray...
I made a list of WHAT IF'S....
What if...
...im not living my life? who's life would i be living?
...i was a rapper? what would my name be?
...im smarter than i think i am? how will i ever know?
...i could never "scrump" again? could i live with just memories?
...i was America's Next Top Model?
...i was white?
...i was a painter and not a writer? or what if i was a mathimatician?
...i never questioned any of my actions? or the consequences of them?
...i hurt you? would u hurt me back?
...i achieve all my goals?
...i never wrote this?
im jealous...not a good thing but i am...know what im jealous of?...im jealous of the look my dad gets on his face when he is playing the piano? the look of complete contentment...that look of complete satisfaction...that look of the world blocked out and the creativity flowing out...the look of being totally wrapped up within yourself...i bet my dad looks like that when he is having a good dream...i keep wondering when do i look like that...i remember feeling like that last time i wrote a poem...i love this poem...i love the feeling of loving my work, loving something that came from me...
i think ill post it...
Broken Consentration
i was trying to read about how ntozake's colored girls had considered suicide
and leroi was trying to explain to me why he changed his name to baraka
but all i could think about was how inviting you lips looked
all of a sudden the roar of langstons rivers sounded like your laugh
and zoras eyes might have been watching God but i was lost deep in yours
and i couldnt comprehend why alice was going on about the color purple
because all i was aware of was the mohagony color of your skin
every fiber in my body was trying to pay attention to richard and his boy bigger
but i kept getting distracted by your long slender fingers
so i gave up on them and i came to you
and even ms militant giovanni
had to crack a smile
at how perfect
i fit in your lap
- there is this on-going battle/debate about religion and spirituality at the message board i frequent...post such as "where, who, and what is God",and "Is there a devil?"...and many, many more..thing is they r not productive...these aren't discussions - look up the definition of discussion for those who dont know - these are just internet shouting matches, just people stating their beliefs and/or belittling others for there beliefs, and no one is listening just attacking...basically just a lot of back and forth...ive decided not to go into that specific forum on the site any more because it does nothing for me, its doesnt enlighten me or encourage me or make me ponder things...im all for a good debate or discussion but not the craziness that is going on in there...i believe in questioning things, and i think people need to find there own way, or their own answers...ive never quesitoned that fact that there is a God in my life, for the simple fact that i dont feel i have to, ive seen Him work in my life...ive always believed and i will continue to believe in the Bible and its teachings...but thats me, thats my belief, my stance...there are a lot of people out there who would not agree with me or try to challenge my stance but honestly i dont feel i have to prove who or what God is to me...
- my computer at home has been xtra slow...it about 5 years old now, maybe a little older...and is just not at the level it used to be on...i have broadband but my computer is so full of spyware and other junk that it runs as if it is a dial-up...so it is just pissing me off...im tired of the slowness..but there is really nothing i can do about it at the moment...at least not until i get some xtra money, and who knows when that will be...the life of a beginning journalist is not lucrative...but one day, maybe one day it will be...the tech guy at work was telling me i should get a mac mini...its like $500...and basically from what i saw on the website is a great investment...plus there arent really any spyware/virus programs out there that can attack mac like they do windows...so im looking into it..maybe i can strike up a deal with my parents..some type of loan type thing...i bet id write more if my computer was worthy of my thoughts...
- BILLS, BILLS, BILLS....they are interfering with me getting my spring fashions together - and i DO have a list of what i want - and they are also in the way of me traveling...im in the process of trying to save up for my annual trip to NYC in July...i have to see my best friend its been almost a year since we hung out...and i miss the girl...
- ive been feeling stagnant again and unsure of my purpose...i want to write but sometimes i question that want...because honestly when it comes down to it im just not as comnfident in my writing skills as i would like to be...i know writing comes natural to me, writing always has but sometimes i just get down on myself...i also know that i have to work at and practice these "natural abilities" that is one reason i started this blog...i have various stories and poems "in the works" i would just like to finish one...i have this new inspiration in my life that i havent been able to put into words...or at least complete thoughts that make sense...but u know what...i cant give up...although doubt does still lingers in the back of my mind and haunts me...but not all the time, sometimes i really feel confident, i just need to get that back, its tough being in a state of writers block...that "block" part is soo true...maybe i should pray...
I made a list of WHAT IF'S....
What if...
...im not living my life? who's life would i be living?
...i was a rapper? what would my name be?
...im smarter than i think i am? how will i ever know?
...i could never "scrump" again? could i live with just memories?
...i was America's Next Top Model?
...i was white?
...i was a painter and not a writer? or what if i was a mathimatician?
...i never questioned any of my actions? or the consequences of them?
...i hurt you? would u hurt me back?
...i achieve all my goals?
...i never wrote this?
im jealous...not a good thing but i am...know what im jealous of?...im jealous of the look my dad gets on his face when he is playing the piano? the look of complete contentment...that look of complete satisfaction...that look of the world blocked out and the creativity flowing out...the look of being totally wrapped up within yourself...i bet my dad looks like that when he is having a good dream...i keep wondering when do i look like that...i remember feeling like that last time i wrote a poem...i love this poem...i love the feeling of loving my work, loving something that came from me...
i think ill post it...
Broken Consentration
i was trying to read about how ntozake's colored girls had considered suicide
and leroi was trying to explain to me why he changed his name to baraka
but all i could think about was how inviting you lips looked
all of a sudden the roar of langstons rivers sounded like your laugh
and zoras eyes might have been watching God but i was lost deep in yours
and i couldnt comprehend why alice was going on about the color purple
because all i was aware of was the mohagony color of your skin
every fiber in my body was trying to pay attention to richard and his boy bigger
but i kept getting distracted by your long slender fingers
so i gave up on them and i came to you
and even ms militant giovanni
had to crack a smile
at how perfect
i fit in your lap
0 comments:
Post a Comment