i celebrated new years early....

i didnt do it intentionally...it just sort of happened..and i didnt realize it until 5 minutes ago.....

fridays i go into work early...i have to be there at 7 a.m. i have to get the paper out, that is how i earn my meager wages...but fridays its almost a one woman show...and seeing that it is a holiday...well, my publisher was not in, my managing editor and the assistant managing editor were not in...the newsroom consisted of me, 4 other ladies and an intern, everyone else was chillin on vacation....but i made it do what it do...i finished editing and designing the paper and sent it to the press...and i got done 30 minutes ahead of deadline, on an empty stomach....i had a BLAH day at work...not much to do after that...i worked ahead and was done with layout for saturdays paper before lunch...so i spent the rest of the day emailing friends, entertaining myself with other blogs and chillin on my message board talkin to folks....and i left early....

i talked with my best friend Andrea aka Sister aka Walter (dont ask) on the drive home...she had an interview today and i wanted to holler at her about it..you know show my girl some support...it was nice, i love talking to her, i feel like i can let my guard down forreal with her..she knows me so well....

i get home and jump on my lap top and i end up having 4 IM chats at the same time...i was a typing fool...but it was fun...and i was connecting with my people...

one of them decided to call me...he was getting ready to leave work...he said he was in a pampering mood...well he lives a number of states away from me so i hope the lucky lady he got to pamper tonight enjoys herself...yeah im light weight hating....so what....

but he started me to thinking...well shoo i can pamper myself...i dont need a man to do it...so i set my little pamper night into action...after a nice little nap that is...i started by lighting every single candle, oil burner and wax burner in my apartment...it was nice and romantic looking, and i felt kinda sensual...then i decided i should get my feet together...i had been slackin on my pimpin(HA! i like sayin that!)...so i buffed them and gave them a nice little paint job, along with a small foot massage...so far so good right....

now i would have jumped into the bathtub but...deliver us from eva came on tv...and as soon as i saw LL Cool J and that dome, i had to change my plans and watch the movie...it was nice, i was curled up on the couch re-establishing my school girl crush on LL...the man is HOT...the dimple, the dome, the chest, the abs, THE LIPS.....

....A BRIEF INTERMISSION WHILE I EXHALE.....

okay, im back...during the duration of the movie i think i also might have gained a slight woman-to-woman crush on gabriel union....*blush*

so after the movie...i spent about 3 minutes fantasizing about the things i would do to LL before turning the channel to the music channel..i put it on channel 907, the "Smooth R&B" channel to be exact...

i went and washed out the tub, ran some bath water, and added a good amount of bubbles...they foam.....N I C E....

oh before i hopped in grabbed a couple candles and placed them on the counter, turned the tv up, and poured a large glass of apple juice into one of my fav hand painted wine glasses...i dont have any wine in the apartment at the moment or i would have poured wine in the WINE glass...but hey i wasnt about to run out in the rain just for a bottle of wine...and apple juice COULD ALMOST pass for some white wine....LOL...

now after all of that i begin the point of this post...as i sat in the tub i began thinking about this 2005 that is about to come to a close...and i realized..i was very disatisfied with it...2004 was a year of beginning for me...i suppose i can call 2005 a year of settling down...but i didnt like that....it felt stagnate...i mean i did do somethings i am proud of this year....mainly my maynard fellowship in reno..that was a time to really focus on career and be emmersed in my profession so i loved it...i became an editor, i became a mentor, i went back to church and reconnected with God and faith....but i didnt feel in motion like i did in 2004...this year felt too quiet...and i probably need the quiet..i had been running since freshman year of college...but i felt stagnate and lonely a lot...restless...i realize life cant be one big ball of fun...but it cant be like this...i need interaction...i need to feel like im living more...

so the water got cold as i was thinking...so i let some out and added some more...i wasnt done....this was my new years eve....i needed to think....

did i come up with any answers? no but i did come up with some questions...like what am i running from? why cant i feel settled? and will i ever? i feel like i need to be moving..thats why i am excited at the prospect to possibly move to california...im young..im ready to experience the world...and make some money...student loans will never die i swear....

im rambling...

i strted thinking about me...for once just thinking about me...not me in relation to someone else...i think ive been lying to myself...i havent come as far as i want to believe i have...lots of turmoil inside...and i notice i still havent forgiven myself for some of the things i did to myself in the past...i have accepted..but not forgotten or forgiven...and i realize that when i get bored i run back to those things i used to do because i know the outcome, its my safety net but its also my hang up...self image is a bitch...loving yourself is an on-going process...i hate boxes...yet i have thrown myself into a big one...im a chameleon...

i drained the tub...slathered on lotion, found my fav satin night shirt, sat and wrote all of this....and now i think i will sleep...because sleep is an ending and a beginning....

so tomorrow is every one elses new years eve....but ive done what i needed to do to close out this year...i ended it by making myself think....i had my quiet time...i let my mind wander and ponder thoughts i had been pushing to the back of my brain...i let myself cry for myself...and now i am ready for 2006

thanks Oprah...i needed that...

i wrote this a few weeks ago but was hesitant to post it, im not totally sure why but hey now is the time...after i wrote it i e-mailed it to my best friend 'drea -i like to run things by her especially about career because we talk about that a lot and i like to let her in on any new thoughts - this is what she wrote back:

"ohmigosh girl, i totally feel the same way. it's like we get out of college and then bam, reality sets it....well imma listen 2 what oprah is saying cause she must know what she's talking about...
well i hope that we will eventually end up in a place where we are happy about our professional and social life..."

i like oprah, i mean i think she is a great role
model...ive never been on the oprah bandwagon but i do
really think she says some profound things at
times...i was watching "oprah after the show" this
weekend and she was answering questions from the
audience and someone asked her something about advice
she would give someone who is in their 20's...and u
know i really liked her answers, she said quite a
bit....what i really took away from her monologue was what she said about
career...basically she said folks in their 20's a lot of
times think they r going to come right out of school
and land their dream job and a lot of times that is
not the case...she said dont be afraid to take the job
that will help you pay your bills..use this time in
your life to find your passion to explore many job
opportunites and learn about yourself and life...

and i really took that because i thought i would land
the job i dreamed about and that would be it...but as
i look back, in college, all i could see was me wearing
great suits, 'doing lunch' with my girls and living in
a great apartment, going to glamourus parties and
vacations and dating handsome men until i found the
one i would eventually settle down and raise a
family with...a was in a dream world....

because graduation hit and i had no job prospects and
ended up going back home to live with my parents...and
u know i thought i had failed, finally i got a
fellowship which got me out of my parents house and i
thought this would set me on my way to the glamourous
life i dreamed of...nope..two years later im still
trying to break through...and sometimes that feeling
of failure appears and clouds my thinking....

but i really needed that little bit of wisdom from
oprah that day...it made me really think...im only 24,
im still very young in the game of life...this is the
time to discover me, i dont need to worry about this
dream job i just need to keep gaining experience and
before i know it that dream job will find me...i dont
need the perfect job, to fit this perfect mold i made
up in my head a long time ago that said this is what i
need to succeed...i have time to explore and find all
the things im passionate about...this is the time, i
shouldnt dwell on what i cant control...

so im not making much money now, thats okay, im
living, all my NEEDS are taken care of...and alot of
my WANTS are being furnished too..this is the time to
step out and take risks and find my way...

thing is..i knew this...i knew this a long time
ago...but i let the idea of perfection and the belief
that i have failed because im not up to par with
someone elses idea of sucess to cloud my brain...i
still have time to find my way and great things are
out there for me, i just need to step out of the box i
put myself in and reach out for them....

so at this moment in life i WANT to be back in atlanta
so i need to work towrd that goal...but i also need to
keep my eyes open for other opportunities because
atlanta might not be what i need right now...God has a
plan for me...i STRONGLY believe that...i also believe
He will guide me in the right direction and open my
eyes to what i need to do when the time is right....

so im not going to let this job search eat me up...i
mean the Indy Star called me last week...and although
im not serious about working there that might be one
of the experiences that i need to find my passion and
reach my dream so i wont rule anything out...im going
to apply to every place that catches my eye...

i noticed that God has a way of opening things up to
me...He always has...opportunites have felt like they
dropped into my lap in the past because i was patient
and because they were right...i figure if i have to
force something to work in my life then its not
supposed to be...i shouldnt have to force something to
be right...but when i chill and i do my thing usually
the opportunity appears....

so im going to chill..im going to do my part but im
not going to worry...

its so funny a little bit of oprah did inspire me and
make me think..and im ready...im finally ready to
except whats next...sometimes u just have to let go of
things and just listen...so in time i will have a new
job and a new experience to go with that job..and that
experience will guide me towards my passion in life
and then i will have my glamours job, my glamours
life..which might not be what i dreamed about before
but will be what is right for me...


*since i have written this i received a call from a paper in california, the editor told me he had heard some good things about me, and asked if i had ever considered moving to cali...he said he wants me to officially apply - which i did...hopefully ill hear from him again soon...and if not, thats cool, ill keep applying to other places...*

what i like...

its funny how folks always make lists of the qualities they want in their "perfect" partner...shoo i have a running list going on 4 pages in my journal of the "man of my dreams" (imagination)......but then i got to thinking i want so much in someone else what should they expect from me...so i made a list of all the things i want a potential man to know about me....i wrote it on my other blog space and i liked it so i thought id throw it on this one too...i took out the line about deodorant cause the couple people i did share it with gave me the boo boo face through the computer..

this man should know:

i like my totinos pizza rolls cooked until half the filling bursts out

im not partial to red wines but prefer white zifandal and pino grigio

that sometimes i just want to hold hands and walk around downtown

to slightly spread his legs when we go out to eat so i can rest my feet between his thighs, otherwise my feet dangle in the booth and i hate that

i always get constipated before my period

a good book can be better than a football game

my feet are always cold

that i drink right out of the juice, milk and water containers

i like green apples and green grapes because they r tart and that red apples and grapes are too sweet

i like my bathwater XTRA hot and w/ lots of bubbles

i have an obsession with pea coats

i like my socks pulled up to my calves

finds my quirkiness cute and endearing

that i have WAY too many spelman t-shirts

i LOVE matlock marathons

that my love is genuine and priceless

i HAVE to talk with my mom AT LEAST every other day

supports and respects my creativity and my aspirations

loves me because i am me

i am totally devoted one man kind of woman

i cant turn my cell off

that its not always about him

that its not always about me either

sex doesnt make a relationship but does compliment it

but i will try and blow his mind EVERY time

if we go to a japanese restuarant i will keep the chop stix

i love to be held

i use way too much toilet paper

i love flowers even though i can never keep them alive

that consistancy is a must

i have a worrisome obsession with face and body products

the scale in the bathroom is just for decoration

how to cook, or at least makes a real good turkey sandwich

that wrestling with me is mandetory and even if i lose, i still won

accepts my almost anal love of organization

is willing to teach me new things and also learn from me

that dammit sometimes i just dont feel like shaving, hair can be sexy...sorta

grocery shopping is a major event for me

my mom is off the chain and i am becoming more and more like her everyday

i dont argue

what u see is what u get, i dont have an instruction manual

i have a healthy love of erotica

he is my man and loves that fact