i celebrated new years early....

i didnt do it intentionally...it just sort of happened..and i didnt realize it until 5 minutes ago.....

fridays i go into work early...i have to be there at 7 a.m. i have to get the paper out, that is how i earn my meager wages...but fridays its almost a one woman show...and seeing that it is a holiday...well, my publisher was not in, my managing editor and the assistant managing editor were not in...the newsroom consisted of me, 4 other ladies and an intern, everyone else was chillin on vacation....but i made it do what it do...i finished editing and designing the paper and sent it to the press...and i got done 30 minutes ahead of deadline, on an empty stomach....i had a BLAH day at work...not much to do after that...i worked ahead and was done with layout for saturdays paper before lunch...so i spent the rest of the day emailing friends, entertaining myself with other blogs and chillin on my message board talkin to folks....and i left early....

i talked with my best friend Andrea aka Sister aka Walter (dont ask) on the drive home...she had an interview today and i wanted to holler at her about it..you know show my girl some support...it was nice, i love talking to her, i feel like i can let my guard down forreal with her..she knows me so well....

i get home and jump on my lap top and i end up having 4 IM chats at the same time...i was a typing fool...but it was fun...and i was connecting with my people...

one of them decided to call me...he was getting ready to leave work...he said he was in a pampering mood...well he lives a number of states away from me so i hope the lucky lady he got to pamper tonight enjoys herself...yeah im light weight hating....so what....

but he started me to thinking...well shoo i can pamper myself...i dont need a man to do it...so i set my little pamper night into action...after a nice little nap that is...i started by lighting every single candle, oil burner and wax burner in my apartment...it was nice and romantic looking, and i felt kinda sensual...then i decided i should get my feet together...i had been slackin on my pimpin(HA! i like sayin that!)...so i buffed them and gave them a nice little paint job, along with a small foot massage...so far so good right....

now i would have jumped into the bathtub but...deliver us from eva came on tv...and as soon as i saw LL Cool J and that dome, i had to change my plans and watch the movie...it was nice, i was curled up on the couch re-establishing my school girl crush on LL...the man is HOT...the dimple, the dome, the chest, the abs, THE LIPS.....

....A BRIEF INTERMISSION WHILE I EXHALE.....

okay, im back...during the duration of the movie i think i also might have gained a slight woman-to-woman crush on gabriel union....*blush*

so after the movie...i spent about 3 minutes fantasizing about the things i would do to LL before turning the channel to the music channel..i put it on channel 907, the "Smooth R&B" channel to be exact...

i went and washed out the tub, ran some bath water, and added a good amount of bubbles...they foam.....N I C E....

oh before i hopped in grabbed a couple candles and placed them on the counter, turned the tv up, and poured a large glass of apple juice into one of my fav hand painted wine glasses...i dont have any wine in the apartment at the moment or i would have poured wine in the WINE glass...but hey i wasnt about to run out in the rain just for a bottle of wine...and apple juice COULD ALMOST pass for some white wine....LOL...

now after all of that i begin the point of this post...as i sat in the tub i began thinking about this 2005 that is about to come to a close...and i realized..i was very disatisfied with it...2004 was a year of beginning for me...i suppose i can call 2005 a year of settling down...but i didnt like that....it felt stagnate...i mean i did do somethings i am proud of this year....mainly my maynard fellowship in reno..that was a time to really focus on career and be emmersed in my profession so i loved it...i became an editor, i became a mentor, i went back to church and reconnected with God and faith....but i didnt feel in motion like i did in 2004...this year felt too quiet...and i probably need the quiet..i had been running since freshman year of college...but i felt stagnate and lonely a lot...restless...i realize life cant be one big ball of fun...but it cant be like this...i need interaction...i need to feel like im living more...

so the water got cold as i was thinking...so i let some out and added some more...i wasnt done....this was my new years eve....i needed to think....

did i come up with any answers? no but i did come up with some questions...like what am i running from? why cant i feel settled? and will i ever? i feel like i need to be moving..thats why i am excited at the prospect to possibly move to california...im young..im ready to experience the world...and make some money...student loans will never die i swear....

im rambling...

i strted thinking about me...for once just thinking about me...not me in relation to someone else...i think ive been lying to myself...i havent come as far as i want to believe i have...lots of turmoil inside...and i notice i still havent forgiven myself for some of the things i did to myself in the past...i have accepted..but not forgotten or forgiven...and i realize that when i get bored i run back to those things i used to do because i know the outcome, its my safety net but its also my hang up...self image is a bitch...loving yourself is an on-going process...i hate boxes...yet i have thrown myself into a big one...im a chameleon...

i drained the tub...slathered on lotion, found my fav satin night shirt, sat and wrote all of this....and now i think i will sleep...because sleep is an ending and a beginning....

so tomorrow is every one elses new years eve....but ive done what i needed to do to close out this year...i ended it by making myself think....i had my quiet time...i let my mind wander and ponder thoughts i had been pushing to the back of my brain...i let myself cry for myself...and now i am ready for 2006