My Sperm Donor...

I had a dream the other this past weekend...it was about my biological father...
bascially it wasnt much of a dream but the part that really stands out in my mind is that in my dream this man was looking for me, i mean searching to find me...i dont know how he got it but he got my email address and emailed me about wanting to meet me...and that how the dream ended wih me reading this email...an email, i know, why an email, i have no clue...

this dream made me realize that i hold an animosity towards my bio father that might not be fair...i mean the man might not even know that he made a baby with a woman i will call my bio mom, cause that is what she is...considering that i dont remember my bio mom, i was adopted at 5 months, and i dont have any pics of her or him either i cant fairly hold a grudge...and its not necessarily a grudge but over the years i have made up this story in my mind that my bio mom gave me up because she was a preganant teen...once again i have made this story up, it is what i have always imagined in order to appese myself...it lets me feel wanted...see if i had a teen mother who couldnt take care of me it gives me leaway (sp) to believe that if she wasnt a teen she would have kept me, that lets me believe that there was no way possbile that she didnt want me...that part is all about wanting to be wanted...or maybe its being scared that im not wanted...

and i was wanted because my parents saw me and held me and decided that they couldnt live without me in their life and they adopted me and i love them more than life for the decision they made...

but back to this resentment toward my bio father...see...when i was 13 or so my parents gave both me and my bro a letter from the adoption agency telling us a little about our bio parents...i dont know what his said, and he doesnt know what mine said...but they had all these small things about my bio mother, and we have a few things in common...but at the end of that very short letter it read..."we have no information about your bio father"...and that kinda hurt...

thing is i never made up a story in my mind about him...i always kinda felt that if he wanted me to know sumthin about him he would have something about him in that letter...once again that is unfair...and i know that and its funny how after 23 years i am just now acknowledging that that little line in that letter hurt me...like i wasnt important enough although everything that has happened to me in my life has contridicted the fact of not being wanted...i never made up a story i think because i could never stop asking myself why...but know im thinking, well what if he never knew about me?...

i wrote more about my adoption in my old online journal...i cut and paste it in here...just cause i can...notice i expound on my bio mom but not on my bio father...


i had this big ass frappiccino this morning so i thought i was going to be all extra wired and jumpy...cause thats how i usually get...but im pretty calm...i have been having some deep thoughts after talking to a friend of mine over email....

he asked me if i looked like my mom and i told him kinda but not really because i had been adopted as a baby...so while we have some things in common such as our walk, height and complexion we are not blood relatives...my older bro and i are not blood siblings either and my dad's blood is not running through me....its funny cause my bro and dad are both tall and muscular and me and my bro actually look a little alike..i go with the man-dog theory...u ever notice that after a while a person and thier pet will start to look alike...well i think thats what happened with us....

i explained that my mom had trouble getting pregnant and always miscarried and then when she finally did get pregnant the baby had an enlarged heart and although he lived a few months he never made it out of the hospital...
about 10 years after that my parents adopted my bro and i came that next year around x-mas...i was my parents x-mas present...thats what my mom calls me...

i never knew a time when i hadnt known that i was adopted..as babies and children my mom read this book to us about a married couple that adopted two children except she would substitute the names in the book for ours and theirs...for the longest i believed we were that family in the book..when i finally was able to read i found out that she had been replacing the names...

my friend was asking me if i ever thought about finding my bio mom and i told him no i hadnt...it was never important to me...my parents have loved me, supported for me and provided for me so well....i never think about being a adopted...and thats the way it should be...my bro is my bro and my parents are my parents....i know that without them i wouldnt be where i am now...and without my bio mom and her decision i never would have lived...im blessed...i am so blessed....

i told my friend that i have never been able to complete a poem about my bio mom..and i have tried....ive started a few, some judged her, some just wondered about her, some asked about her feelings for me...and a couple asked her why....but i noticed i never tried to write one thanking her....my friend started me to thinking about how she saved my life before i ever lived it...how she helped to put me in the situation that i am in now....she didnt raise me but she let me live...that is sooo powerful....

i love my parents, i had the perfect childhood and that is a blessing my parents worked hard to send me to spelman and my brother to morehouse...they said pick a college where ever u want to go, you will go...and they sacrificed to make it possible...my fam doesnt have money but they have strength and so much love...i will never know how much my parents sacrificed, i will never know their pain....but i do know their love....

my bio mom had to have at least that much love...and while i dont know her...i am so proud of her for making the decision to put me up for adoption....i want to say i love her but im not sure that is the right emotion...i could justify it by saying i love myself and she is a part of me but that is a roundabout way to go for it....i wonder if i have brothers or sisters...thats something i always wanted to know...

i know this sounds crazy but ive always dreamt of having a twin...i have this cyst on my lower back...had to have surgery on it and it still came back...one of my guy friends heard that a cyst like that in that location means that i once a a twin and that a part of them is still with me...attached...i know its far fetched..so i just say that the twin is my bio mom...she is still attached a part of me... and i cherish her...