i celebrated new years early....

i didnt do it intentionally...it just sort of happened..and i didnt realize it until 5 minutes ago.....

fridays i go into work early...i have to be there at 7 a.m. i have to get the paper out, that is how i earn my meager wages...but fridays its almost a one woman show...and seeing that it is a holiday...well, my publisher was not in, my managing editor and the assistant managing editor were not in...the newsroom consisted of me, 4 other ladies and an intern, everyone else was chillin on vacation....but i made it do what it do...i finished editing and designing the paper and sent it to the press...and i got done 30 minutes ahead of deadline, on an empty stomach....i had a BLAH day at work...not much to do after that...i worked ahead and was done with layout for saturdays paper before lunch...so i spent the rest of the day emailing friends, entertaining myself with other blogs and chillin on my message board talkin to folks....and i left early....

i talked with my best friend Andrea aka Sister aka Walter (dont ask) on the drive home...she had an interview today and i wanted to holler at her about it..you know show my girl some support...it was nice, i love talking to her, i feel like i can let my guard down forreal with her..she knows me so well....

i get home and jump on my lap top and i end up having 4 IM chats at the same time...i was a typing fool...but it was fun...and i was connecting with my people...

one of them decided to call me...he was getting ready to leave work...he said he was in a pampering mood...well he lives a number of states away from me so i hope the lucky lady he got to pamper tonight enjoys herself...yeah im light weight hating....so what....

but he started me to thinking...well shoo i can pamper myself...i dont need a man to do it...so i set my little pamper night into action...after a nice little nap that is...i started by lighting every single candle, oil burner and wax burner in my apartment...it was nice and romantic looking, and i felt kinda sensual...then i decided i should get my feet together...i had been slackin on my pimpin(HA! i like sayin that!)...so i buffed them and gave them a nice little paint job, along with a small foot massage...so far so good right....

now i would have jumped into the bathtub but...deliver us from eva came on tv...and as soon as i saw LL Cool J and that dome, i had to change my plans and watch the movie...it was nice, i was curled up on the couch re-establishing my school girl crush on LL...the man is HOT...the dimple, the dome, the chest, the abs, THE LIPS.....

....A BRIEF INTERMISSION WHILE I EXHALE.....

okay, im back...during the duration of the movie i think i also might have gained a slight woman-to-woman crush on gabriel union....*blush*

so after the movie...i spent about 3 minutes fantasizing about the things i would do to LL before turning the channel to the music channel..i put it on channel 907, the "Smooth R&B" channel to be exact...

i went and washed out the tub, ran some bath water, and added a good amount of bubbles...they foam.....N I C E....

oh before i hopped in grabbed a couple candles and placed them on the counter, turned the tv up, and poured a large glass of apple juice into one of my fav hand painted wine glasses...i dont have any wine in the apartment at the moment or i would have poured wine in the WINE glass...but hey i wasnt about to run out in the rain just for a bottle of wine...and apple juice COULD ALMOST pass for some white wine....LOL...

now after all of that i begin the point of this post...as i sat in the tub i began thinking about this 2005 that is about to come to a close...and i realized..i was very disatisfied with it...2004 was a year of beginning for me...i suppose i can call 2005 a year of settling down...but i didnt like that....it felt stagnate...i mean i did do somethings i am proud of this year....mainly my maynard fellowship in reno..that was a time to really focus on career and be emmersed in my profession so i loved it...i became an editor, i became a mentor, i went back to church and reconnected with God and faith....but i didnt feel in motion like i did in 2004...this year felt too quiet...and i probably need the quiet..i had been running since freshman year of college...but i felt stagnate and lonely a lot...restless...i realize life cant be one big ball of fun...but it cant be like this...i need interaction...i need to feel like im living more...

so the water got cold as i was thinking...so i let some out and added some more...i wasnt done....this was my new years eve....i needed to think....

did i come up with any answers? no but i did come up with some questions...like what am i running from? why cant i feel settled? and will i ever? i feel like i need to be moving..thats why i am excited at the prospect to possibly move to california...im young..im ready to experience the world...and make some money...student loans will never die i swear....

im rambling...

i strted thinking about me...for once just thinking about me...not me in relation to someone else...i think ive been lying to myself...i havent come as far as i want to believe i have...lots of turmoil inside...and i notice i still havent forgiven myself for some of the things i did to myself in the past...i have accepted..but not forgotten or forgiven...and i realize that when i get bored i run back to those things i used to do because i know the outcome, its my safety net but its also my hang up...self image is a bitch...loving yourself is an on-going process...i hate boxes...yet i have thrown myself into a big one...im a chameleon...

i drained the tub...slathered on lotion, found my fav satin night shirt, sat and wrote all of this....and now i think i will sleep...because sleep is an ending and a beginning....

so tomorrow is every one elses new years eve....but ive done what i needed to do to close out this year...i ended it by making myself think....i had my quiet time...i let my mind wander and ponder thoughts i had been pushing to the back of my brain...i let myself cry for myself...and now i am ready for 2006

thanks Oprah...i needed that...

i wrote this a few weeks ago but was hesitant to post it, im not totally sure why but hey now is the time...after i wrote it i e-mailed it to my best friend 'drea -i like to run things by her especially about career because we talk about that a lot and i like to let her in on any new thoughts - this is what she wrote back:

"ohmigosh girl, i totally feel the same way. it's like we get out of college and then bam, reality sets it....well imma listen 2 what oprah is saying cause she must know what she's talking about...
well i hope that we will eventually end up in a place where we are happy about our professional and social life..."

i like oprah, i mean i think she is a great role
model...ive never been on the oprah bandwagon but i do
really think she says some profound things at
times...i was watching "oprah after the show" this
weekend and she was answering questions from the
audience and someone asked her something about advice
she would give someone who is in their 20's...and u
know i really liked her answers, she said quite a
bit....what i really took away from her monologue was what she said about
career...basically she said folks in their 20's a lot of
times think they r going to come right out of school
and land their dream job and a lot of times that is
not the case...she said dont be afraid to take the job
that will help you pay your bills..use this time in
your life to find your passion to explore many job
opportunites and learn about yourself and life...

and i really took that because i thought i would land
the job i dreamed about and that would be it...but as
i look back, in college, all i could see was me wearing
great suits, 'doing lunch' with my girls and living in
a great apartment, going to glamourus parties and
vacations and dating handsome men until i found the
one i would eventually settle down and raise a
family with...a was in a dream world....

because graduation hit and i had no job prospects and
ended up going back home to live with my parents...and
u know i thought i had failed, finally i got a
fellowship which got me out of my parents house and i
thought this would set me on my way to the glamourous
life i dreamed of...nope..two years later im still
trying to break through...and sometimes that feeling
of failure appears and clouds my thinking....

but i really needed that little bit of wisdom from
oprah that day...it made me really think...im only 24,
im still very young in the game of life...this is the
time to discover me, i dont need to worry about this
dream job i just need to keep gaining experience and
before i know it that dream job will find me...i dont
need the perfect job, to fit this perfect mold i made
up in my head a long time ago that said this is what i
need to succeed...i have time to explore and find all
the things im passionate about...this is the time, i
shouldnt dwell on what i cant control...

so im not making much money now, thats okay, im
living, all my NEEDS are taken care of...and alot of
my WANTS are being furnished too..this is the time to
step out and take risks and find my way...

thing is..i knew this...i knew this a long time
ago...but i let the idea of perfection and the belief
that i have failed because im not up to par with
someone elses idea of sucess to cloud my brain...i
still have time to find my way and great things are
out there for me, i just need to step out of the box i
put myself in and reach out for them....

so at this moment in life i WANT to be back in atlanta
so i need to work towrd that goal...but i also need to
keep my eyes open for other opportunities because
atlanta might not be what i need right now...God has a
plan for me...i STRONGLY believe that...i also believe
He will guide me in the right direction and open my
eyes to what i need to do when the time is right....

so im not going to let this job search eat me up...i
mean the Indy Star called me last week...and although
im not serious about working there that might be one
of the experiences that i need to find my passion and
reach my dream so i wont rule anything out...im going
to apply to every place that catches my eye...

i noticed that God has a way of opening things up to
me...He always has...opportunites have felt like they
dropped into my lap in the past because i was patient
and because they were right...i figure if i have to
force something to work in my life then its not
supposed to be...i shouldnt have to force something to
be right...but when i chill and i do my thing usually
the opportunity appears....

so im going to chill..im going to do my part but im
not going to worry...

its so funny a little bit of oprah did inspire me and
make me think..and im ready...im finally ready to
except whats next...sometimes u just have to let go of
things and just listen...so in time i will have a new
job and a new experience to go with that job..and that
experience will guide me towards my passion in life
and then i will have my glamours job, my glamours
life..which might not be what i dreamed about before
but will be what is right for me...


*since i have written this i received a call from a paper in california, the editor told me he had heard some good things about me, and asked if i had ever considered moving to cali...he said he wants me to officially apply - which i did...hopefully ill hear from him again soon...and if not, thats cool, ill keep applying to other places...*

what i like...

its funny how folks always make lists of the qualities they want in their "perfect" partner...shoo i have a running list going on 4 pages in my journal of the "man of my dreams" (imagination)......but then i got to thinking i want so much in someone else what should they expect from me...so i made a list of all the things i want a potential man to know about me....i wrote it on my other blog space and i liked it so i thought id throw it on this one too...i took out the line about deodorant cause the couple people i did share it with gave me the boo boo face through the computer..

this man should know:

i like my totinos pizza rolls cooked until half the filling bursts out

im not partial to red wines but prefer white zifandal and pino grigio

that sometimes i just want to hold hands and walk around downtown

to slightly spread his legs when we go out to eat so i can rest my feet between his thighs, otherwise my feet dangle in the booth and i hate that

i always get constipated before my period

a good book can be better than a football game

my feet are always cold

that i drink right out of the juice, milk and water containers

i like green apples and green grapes because they r tart and that red apples and grapes are too sweet

i like my bathwater XTRA hot and w/ lots of bubbles

i have an obsession with pea coats

i like my socks pulled up to my calves

finds my quirkiness cute and endearing

that i have WAY too many spelman t-shirts

i LOVE matlock marathons

that my love is genuine and priceless

i HAVE to talk with my mom AT LEAST every other day

supports and respects my creativity and my aspirations

loves me because i am me

i am totally devoted one man kind of woman

i cant turn my cell off

that its not always about him

that its not always about me either

sex doesnt make a relationship but does compliment it

but i will try and blow his mind EVERY time

if we go to a japanese restuarant i will keep the chop stix

i love to be held

i use way too much toilet paper

i love flowers even though i can never keep them alive

that consistancy is a must

i have a worrisome obsession with face and body products

the scale in the bathroom is just for decoration

how to cook, or at least makes a real good turkey sandwich

that wrestling with me is mandetory and even if i lose, i still won

accepts my almost anal love of organization

is willing to teach me new things and also learn from me

that dammit sometimes i just dont feel like shaving, hair can be sexy...sorta

grocery shopping is a major event for me

my mom is off the chain and i am becoming more and more like her everyday

i dont argue

what u see is what u get, i dont have an instruction manual

i have a healthy love of erotica

he is my man and loves that fact

Caption this....

Aint he just the cutest little thing??.....

A guinea pig wears a Santa Claus costume at an animal show in Moscow November 27, 2005. Moscow's Club of Friends of Guinea Pigs organised an exhibition of their favourite pets on Sunday that included a fashion show and a sprinting contest. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

news briefs...

since i am an editor and work at a newspaper and often refer to myself as a journalist...i thought i might throw some news on this blog of mine.....enjoy....


NEW YORK (AP) — Time magazine has named Bill and Melinda Gates and rock star Bono its ‘‘Persons of the Year,’’ citing their charitable work and activism aimed at reducing global poverty and improving world health.
The magazine said 2005 was a year of extraordinary charity in which people donated record amounts in response to extreme natural disasters, from the tsunami in South Asia to Hurricane Katrina.

NEW YORK (AP) — In the year 2009, on the 25th of April, a man named Greg is supposed to get an e-mail. It will remind him that he is his own best friend and worst enemy, that he once dated a woman named Michelle, and that he planned to major in computer science.
‘‘More importantly,’’ the e-mail says, ‘‘are you wearing women’s clothing?’’
The e-mail was sent by Greg himself — through a Web site called FutureMe.org. It is one of the messages open to public view at the site, and Greg used only his first name.
FutureMe is one of a handful of Web sites that let people send e-mails to themselves and others for delivery years in the future. They are technology’s answer to time capsules, trading on people’s sense of curiosity, accountability and nostalgia.

HA HA!

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Bush, brushing aside bipartisan criticism in Congress, said Monday he approved spying on suspected terrorists without court orders because it was ‘‘a necessary part of my job to protect’’ Americans from attack.
The president said he would continue the program ‘‘for so long as the nation faces the continuing threat of an enemy that wants to kill American citizens,’’ and added it included safeguards to protect civil liberties.
Bush bristled at a year-end news conference when asked whether there are any limits on presidential power in wartime.
‘‘I just described limits on this particular program, and that’s what’s important for the American people to understand,’’ Bush said.

GARY, Ind. (AP) — A cafeteria worker thought it was odd that a fourth-grader would pay for his lunch with a $20 bill.
The cashier at Marquette Elementary School was right. The cashier, who also noticed that the texture of the paper wasn’t right, alerted the school’s police officer, Patrolman Greg Tatum, who asked the 10-year-old about the money.
‘‘He reached into his front pocket and pulled out more,’’ Tatum said.
The discovery Tuesday led to the arrest of three fourth-graders at the Gary school, where police and school officials confiscated $179 in counterfeit money.
All three face juvenile charges of forgery and theft, Cpl. Nelson Otano after the students were brought to the police station.
Police found the bills in a trash can next to a computer when they went to the first boy’s home Tuesday, Gary Police Cpl. Nelson Otano said.
‘‘It looked like they were trying to perfect them,’’ he said.
Police arrested two 10-year-old boys and a 12-year-old girl. In all, police identified seven fake 20s, three 10s, one five and four ones, Otano said.

WHY?

NEW YORK (AP) — Commuters who depend on two private bus lines were forced to find their own transportation after drivers walked off the job early Monday, a predicament that could soon paralyze the entire city if the transit strike widens.
The walkout at the two Queens bus lines, which together serve 50,000 commuters, came as the Transport Workers Union continued to threaten a large-scale strike beginning Tuesday. The city’s buses and subways, the nation’s largest transit system, serve up to 7 million riders per day.

can i get personal??

Eyes....
do you ever just stare at yourself in the mirror?

i have always had a fasination with peoples faces...for a long while i have to admit i had a staring problem...and it wasnt that i was trying to stare someone down i was just drawn to facial features...i had to cut that out when i got to atlanta...folks dont like u staring...unless its in the club and you are making eyes at some random half drunk dude....

when i was in high school, and still to this day, although not as much, i used to draw eyes on my papers in class...it was always a big round eye with long eyelashes...i used to try and make a set of eyes but one would always look better than the other...so after awhile i just took to drawing one at a time...i never tried to make a match for it...

i love when i see children with their parents, or siblings, cause i like trying to match up facial features...it so amazing to me....a friend of mines whole family has the same eyes...from mom to son and daughter to the grandchildren...i am just in awe at how genetics work...

sometimes i wish i had that with my family, but then i feel guilty for thinking like that...my parents have been so good to me...but we are not blood, therefore, no matching eyes....and so sometimes, just sometimes, i want to meet the folks who got down and produced me...just so i can see where my features came from...

so maybe i search for eyes...hoping to find my own...and maybe i stared at faces hoping to recognize something familiar...

time to educate....

Richard Pryor died Saturday at age 65....many bloggers have created eulogies and tributes for him, and i think they have all done a better job than i ever could....(check the blogs i have linked on the side, many of them have tributes)...

i remember my mom and dad introducing me to Brewsters MIllions, Bustin Loose and Harlem Nights...remember he was also The Wiz?

my junior year in college my history professor played a record of Richard Pryor's stand-up for just about the whole hour of class...i think he realized we were all around 19 and 20 and didnt truly understand what Richard Pryor meant to the black community...

so many of our beautiful black people...icons...have passed away this year....now it is up to us to teach those younger than us about these people....Rosa Parks, Johnnie Cochran, Ossie Davis, John H. Johnson.....the list goes on.....dont let the memories of these great people and the barriers they broke down fade away....


******************

crips founder Stanley 'Tookie' Willams was executed by lethal injection last night..12:35 a.m. pacific time.....i do not know much about him, no more than i have read in the news lately...i know he was nominated 5 times for a nobel peace prize and wrote various books trying to teach kids to stay away from gang life and that he claimed he was innocent right up til the end...im not sure what else to say...i dont know what really happened that night in 1981...i wonder about gov. schwarzenegger and why he decided to deny the request for clemency...i mean ive read why he did...but what really went on in his head....dunno....

Ne-Yo

Im lovin the song "So Sick" by Ne-Yo, i heard it driving to work last week and now i go through the channels everytime im in the car hoping to hear it..i was driving to church this morning and it came on - i know, good way to get in that church spirit right? - but i came home and found ths song on the Def Jam site...AND they play the whole song on the site....
hope you enjoy it as much has i do, he has a lot of talent.....

just click here and click the song So Sick...

My firsts, lasts and nows...

FIRST
First job: Arby's when i was 14, after school from 4-7
First screen name: s_watkins_sc
First funeral: cant recall..i do remember when i was little at someone funeral i was reading a book, i never went anywhere without a book
First pet: i had some gold fish and then in middle school i got a guinea pig, then my brother got one like 2 weeks later, i forgot their names
First piercing: my ears
First tattoo: ..........
First credit card: VISA, still got it still use it...
First kiss: Derrick Walker, i was 13 in the 8 th grade, it was outside our middle school in the corner doorway
First enemy: well hmmm, id say rachel whatsherface senior yea rin highsc hool cause she was 2-faced and i called her out on it in the school newspaper

LAST
Last car ride: i drove home to michigan to see my family
Last kiss: labor day weekend......damn its been awhile
Last movie watched: umm some romantic comdey on Oxygen channel called Romancing the Bride...very sexy leading man
Last beverage drank: coca-cola
Last phone call: this morning, my boy justin, shootin the shyt with me while i was working
Last time showered: this morning around 7:30
Last CD played: wow, well since my car had XM i havent played a cd in a minute...i think it was the Love Jones soundtrack

NOW
Last website visited: The Love Hater [where I stole this]
Single or taken: Single
Gender: Female
Birthday: july 11
Sign: Cancer
Siblings: An older brother
Hair color: Black
Eye color: Dark brown
Wearing: one of my dad's sweatshirts that i swiped, a morehouse t-shirt under it, jeans and chocolate tims
Drinking: ........... going to go get soem OJ though
Thinking about: what im going to eat for lunch
Listening to: my co-workers jiber-jab



that was kinda fun...i ran across this on Love Haters blog.....

Dilemma

i need a new screen saver....i usually throw a picture of myself up on there...i also recently took a personailty disorder test that said sumthin about me being highly narcissistic...LOL...not that i care...my friends have been telling me that for years...BUT....i do want something new...i had decided on Donell...but now i dont know cause i am really liking Mos Def too....





OR






life must be going pretty well if this is my only dilemma.........then again, it is only monday.......