Until 2005...

it is December 31,2004...

in his book "the fire next time" james baldwin wrote,..."the very time i thought i was lost, my dungeon shook and my chains fell off...."

this year my dungeon shook and my chains fell off...i became the person i always wanted to be, i finally found the person i had been searching for, and all i had to do was give up all the pretences and and shake off all the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's"....

2004 was a great year, i learned so much about who i am and who i can become...i also reflected a lot on who i used to be (but thats a whole 'nother entry)...

im ending this year in a new state away from most of my family, in a new job (hopefully the start of a career of writing), with new friends and a few new interests....

2004 was a new year for me, i left behind all that was familiar and took a chance on myself...
i completed a three month fellowship at vanderbilt where i met some amazing people who i hope to remain close....

i started my career as a professional journalist, and im learning and getting better everyday...i have a great and supportive editor and a very understanding and caring publisher....and my co-workers are such a blessing, they make me want to be a nicer person because they are so humble and giving...

i think my best friend and i got even closer even though we live hour s and states away from each other...she is such a good friend, always ready with advice and support and new fashion advice, she is my sister, my first and only sister, not just my Spelman sister but my family...i love you A.C.T....i'll see you in a few months...

i became a member of a message board and now i think im addicted to the place...i have met so many good people on that board..of course there are some i could do without but its like a big disfunctional family...im not gonna call yall out but yall know who you are, thanks for taking the time out to try and get to know me, hopefully we will meet up soon...maybe in NYC or D.C...

i think i have gotten closer to my mom and dad, my mom is my inspiration, and i hope one day that i can be just like her....mommy and daddy i love both of ya'll thank you for allowing me to be part of your lives...and also my older bro, (ladies, he is an attractive, educated black man, with good credit, holler at me and ill see what i can do, lol), but my bro is my heart and i love him...

i have let go of a lot of man baggage and although its not all gone, i have learned to forgive and move on...i learned that when i love, i love hard (and im not going to stop being that way) and i found out that heartache is a bitch but it wont kill you...thank you C.D.F. for coming into my life, its has a bumpy ride but thanks for riding...

i also went back to church in 2004, and i found a part of me i never knew i had, a part of myself that is pure and light and when i sit in church and hear the choir, i know that God is with me and has been with me even when i turned my back on Him and i know He will continue to be with me....

im sorry to see 2004 go because it was such a time of change and newness for me but i am also ready to live some more, to have more new experiences, and to love even harder than before....i see big things for myself and i am learning to trust in myself....i grew up a lot this year and i hope to continue to grow because being stagnate is not an option...

ive read some good books, sipped some good espresso, ate some good thai food and finished with some great cheesecake and a bottle of wine....and i hope to do even more of the same in 2005...

until next year.....

And he said....

"I am on my way to you," his voice tickling my ears through the phone line...
and he probably doesnt even remember he said it...
but i remember and i knew he would soon be in my arms...
and he unlocked the door, walked in my place and locked the world out behind him...
all the while i layed in bed, pretending that i was sleep....
but i couldnt sleep because i knew he was on his way to me....
he drove through a snow storm and heavy traffic because he knew i needed him
and he needed me...
and he came to my room, sliding his clothes off along the way...
and slid into my bed, our bed...
and held me until....
until morning....
when i woke up and got dressed for work....
glancing every now and then at the male form asleep in my bed....
and he was smiling....
a quick kiss on the cheek and a peck on his nose....
and i was gone, locking the door behind me....
and i havent seen him since, circumstance has kept us apart for a while...
busy schedules, families and friends needing our attention....
but i am waiting....
patiently smiling because....
i know soon i will here those words...
"im on my way to you"
again....

I AM....

....SO TIRED OF STOOPID ASS, DUMB ASS PEOPLE.......
SOMETIMES PEOPLE JUST NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO SOME RESEARCH....



I FEEL SORRY FOR THEIR MOTHERS....

Cramped...

i have writers block...
im all stuffed up, like a head cold....except im blowing my nose and nothing is coming out...
i am itching to write a poem...thats all i want to do is write a poem but...well, its not working...
i hate feeling like my creativity is being wasted, almost like i dont deserve it...
i feel like a singer who cant find her note, or the right pitch...just all outta wack...
the thing is...i know i have sumthin on my mind...i just cant get it out...im not even sure exactly what is on my mind but something inside is telling me i need to write....but for some reason i cant...
i hate feeling like this, it gets to the point where i cant concentrate....like there is some emotion that i need to purge....
im trying to be patient, i cant rush it....its not even that i think im am the bomb poet or writer but i that just need to relieve myself....speaking of relieving myself...i feel like i am on a family road trip and my parents wont pull over and let me use the bathroom....like i shouldnt have drank that last can of pop....
maybe im thinking to hard...maybe its something more simplistic and im trying to be too deep thats why i cant get it out...maybe i need to turn to a blank page and start over....
i feel like i've drank too much Hennessy and i have my head in the toilet but i cant throw up...
i feel like i just had sex with some arbitrary guy and now he wants to talk and cuddle and "get to know me" i just want to put my clothes on and go home.....
i even asked my friend to give me a word...maybe if he gave me a word it would spark a poem....
he gave me the word "intimate"...now i know i can write about some "intimate"
but damn, its been some hours now...and all i have so far is "intimate"....written in black ink..staring at me..i did decorate the page with some hearts and i wrote my name a few times...but no words...
not a single word...
i just want to write a poem, not even a short story or a pseudo intellectual diatribe about black women in America....just a poem....a haiku...
a word....
im depressing myself....buh-bye...

Habits...

...but you say im foolish...of course you love me...but being loved of course
is not the same as being loved because...or being loved despite...or being loved
if you love me why...do i feel so lonely...and why do i always wake up alone
and why am i practicing not having you to love...i never loved you that way
if being loved by you is accepting always...getting the worst...taking the least
hearing the excuse...and never being called when you say you will
then it's a habit...like smoking cigarettes...or brushing my teeth when i awake
something i do without thinking...but something without ...which i could just as well do....
-taken from the poem Habits by Nikki Giovanni

i am sending this one out to C.A.W. because sometimes i just dont know about you, us, we....and sometimes id rather not think about you, us, or we...because sometimes it just too sad.....and i am trying to hard to be happy.....but sometimes, late at night while i lie in bed at night.....i remember..you, us, we.....

My Nashville Experience...

I am sitting at my desk, supposedly working on a holiday feature for the paper, but really im having an email convo with my boy jules and checking out forums in a message board i frequent....anyways, i realized i never wrote about my nashville experience....so here goes...

i had a great time i got to see my class and catch up over a drinks and dinners....and then more drinks...i loved seeing my girls and my guy again, it almost felt like we had never left each other, we had a great deal to catch up on it was also great remincing and all that....i was sorry to see my friends go because they are such special people...we didnt get a chance to hit up our thai food restaurant or any jazz spots but we spent a lot of time in the hotel lobby...the institute hooked us up as usual, and we paid for nothing and they put us in embassy suites which was nice because we could all hangout in someones room....

we had a hectic schedule for those two days, we were basically in class again except this time we were all back as journalists and so everyone was able to share personal experiences...problems and achievements.....but....some of these folks were OVERBOARD....since all the classes came back there were about 40 people and i am so glad that somma these folks were not in my class cause i would of had to cuss them the hell out....

lets start with the one me and my folks nicknamed "man-ly" why, cause she look like a man and she also talked to damn much, she thought she was a diva but..she wasnt..and im not hating i am always willing to give someone their respect and "props" (<==old school riiiight) but she had something stuck up her ass the whole time and well...SHE LOOKED LIKE A MAN, i was checkin for an adam's apple for a long ass time....and then she had the nerve to want attention and talk about her paper and her problems the whole time...ummm, there are 40 people here, we dont have time for that...i was sooo crunk when our director shut her down and made her look stoopid....man, i love him for that.....

but im not going to talk about the other 2 who needed to sit the hell down...cause it would take way to long...but just know that there are some pitiful ass people in the world and i hope they dont write for the paper you read.....

and...well...maybe my definition of business/business casual is a little different than most but i didnt think that your head scarf that you use to wrap your hair up at night was suitable for wearing the outside your home, or in this case room...especially when it look like u just tightened the knot in the front and pushed on to class....AND...a dirty ass t-shirt tucked in some jeans that dont fit, im confused cause i didnt think that was business dress either...someone please let me know if im wrong....

but i digresss, i had a great time, and i learned a lot more about my profession, met some influential people and some new contacts and bonded again with my folks and had some great food....and even though some folks needed to be SHUT DOWN....it was a good experience and if i go back next year they had better get me a plane ticket....

I'm A Pretty Ass Apple....

ERYKAH BADU "Apple Tree"

I'd like to dedicate this to all the children
I have some food in my bag for you
Not the edible food, the food you eat, no
Perhaps some food for thought
Since knowledge is infinite
It has infinitely fell on me, so um...

Verse 1
It was a stormy night, you know the kind where the lightnin' strike
And I was hangin' out with some my yatzhee friends
ooh wee ooh wee ooh wee
The night was long, the night went on,
people coolin' out until the break of dawn
Incense was burnin' so I'm feelin' right, aight

Chorus
See I picks my friends like I pick my fruit
My Ganny told me that when I was only a youth
I don't walk around trying to be what I'm not
I don't waste my time trying to get what you got
I work at pleasin' me
Cause I can't please you and that's why I do what I do
My soul flies free like a willow tree doo wee doo wee doo wee
And if you don't want to be down with me,
then you don't want to pick from my apple tree {x3}
And if you don't want to be down,
you just don't want to be down

Verse 2
I have a hoe
And I take it everywhere I go
Cause I'm plantin' seeds so I reaps what I sow, ya know, ya know
On and on, and on and on my cypher keep's movin' like a rollin' stone
I can't control the soul flowin' in me ooh wee ooh wee

Chorus {x2}

this song is on Erykah Badu's first cd....i was looking through some cd's and decided to put it on and i fell back in love with this song....especially the chorus...i guess this is my mood right now...and i think the attitude has always been a part of me but i think i put myself on the back burner for a while and i was trying to please to many people...i was getting stressed out and i kept wondering why, it was because i was being pulled in so many directions, i was trying to be everything to everybody...this song helped me snap back to reality, it came back to me at the right time...im not saying the song changed my life but it certainly came along and expressed what i was feeling at a time when i am having trouble expressing it to myself...and if you cant express your feeling to yourself, who can you express them too?

so to all those folks who aint supporting me FUCK YOU....and to all those who are trying to bring me down FUCK YA'LL TOO....imma do me, and im going to be selfish cause its about damn time that i did...

i am a good friend, daughter, sister, lover, employee....i am all these things and more to many people but i also have to be good to myself...

when i was in college i spent so much time pampering myself and i have gotten away from that...i need to bring it back to a place where i was all about me and and im not going to feel bad about it...and whoever has a problem with it...please refer to paragraph 2 of my tirade, and then go back up and read the chorus to this song....because if you dont want to be down with me, you dont want to pick from my apple tree....so back up, turn around and keep on walking.....

Nashville, TN..

i am leaving for nashville, tenn. at noon today....i am returning to go to a reunion of all the classes that were taught at my journalism fellowship...there are seven classes coming back, my class had seven people in it, i think we were the smallest class...but we are all meeting up to have a sort of reunion/retreat where we will share our newsroom experiences (we all work for newspapers) and talk about journalism and have a couple seminars on writing and how to tell stories because essentially we are all story tellers...i am riding down with one of the women that was in my class we ended up living in the same city and although we work for different papers (mine is in another city), and have very different schedules, she is 37 and has a huband and two kids, and i am 23 and have myself, we both try to keep up with each other and try to go out every once in a while....

this fellowship was a turning point in my life..this fellowship helped me find a job, move out of my parents house, move to a new state and work in writing which has always been a dream of mine...but this fellowship also helped me to create new friendships...out of the seven people in my class one was a 58 year old Baptist deacon, one was a 53 year old hispanic woman and world traveler, oh and she is crazy, literally, one was a 26 year old shy spanish guy who loved to go shopping with me, lol, and then there was a 29 year old black woman, very intellectual and had a style about her that i loved, and a 26 year old black woman, who always had a string of bad luck around her, but never lost her sense of humor and both were scholars in their own right...

these people taught me so much about life and learning and living because it take alot for a 58 year old man to go back to school....i spent four years at Spelman College and i think i learned more about life from being around these seven people for three months....so many world views came together and made me stop and think about life and the world events and my goals and dreams....none of these people held anything back and being around them made me not want to hold back either...especially the women who really made me think about political issues and current events and how the choices of others can affect my life....

now being around the same seven people for three motnths of course there is going to be drama, and we had drama but we also bonded in spite of all the drama....once a week we all gathered for dinner at someones apartment and watched The Apprentice and then on another day we would gather at my apartment and watch America's Next Top Model...the weekends were spent chilling at the used book store and hitting up a local thai food restuarant and going to jazz spots....i had my first taste of brie and learned about red and white wines...i felt so cultured after i left them....

those people along with my instructor also helped me to shape and improve my writing (i know you cant tell throught this blog but one day you will see) these were some of the first people who encouraged me and told me that i had a natural talent and that all i needed to do was nurture it and feed it....

and today i am going back to the place where we met in january and i am going to see these people i havent seen since april , along with many others i dont not know, and i will sip some wine and reminice and get caught up on eveyones lives...face to face and without a telephone...and hopefully i will leave after this reunion once again energized and ready to learn more about myself and about this craft of mine called journalism...

Happy Hair and a New Car...

i would just like to tell the world that today i am having a good hair day.....my hair is bouncy and flowing and it is behaving...i keep swinging my head like my mama told me not to do back in junior high and high school....i would like to thank my Paul Mitchell Tea Tree shampoo and conditioner, the water in my shower that stayed warm/hot during the duration of my hair washing and my NEW Conair ceramic flat iron....my girl suggested buying a ceramic flat iron a couple weeks ago...she said folks had complimented her on how healthy her hair was looking, i though she was just talkin but i decided to go buy one anyway...i've had my gold 'n' hot for so long i didnt know anything else.....but this flat iron worked my hair out.....

just thought i would share this occasion.....oh by the way i just got a new car a 2005 Malibou....i keep looking out my window to make sure it is really mine cause im sure that it doesnt belong to me..but my name is one the papers.....i havnet named him yet...my last car Malcolm (may he rest in peace), was also my first car and i loved him to death...but he gotten taken out in a slip in fall accident on I-69 N.....im going to miss him but i will miss him while i ride around in my new navy blue Malibou....

Booty Tactics...and why i pretend to fall for them...

I have officially been a non-virgin since i was 18, i say officially because i dont count that one time in high school when i didnt feel anything...but anyways...since then i have come across boys/men who think they have to have some kind of gimmick in order to sleep with me...i have noticed these gimmick are universal and must have come from some "get her to sleep with you" handbook for males...

what i dont think these men realize is that i put myself in those situations on purpose because i too want to be sexed down...i know what you are about to do and what it is going to lead to im not naive...so here are a few gimmicks ive come across and my reasons for "giving into" them...

#1...the massage...a classic, guy says "why dont you lay down and let me give you a massage" he begins with some over the shirt massaging followed by raising the shirt then suggesting the shirt comes off, then slowly unhooking the bra soon women feels kisses being placed on her neck and back and then guy soon turns her over...a little while later panties drop to the floor and guy thinks he has achieved something ...
ummm..i knew when u suggested the massage whether i was gonna let you inside....why did i "fall for it".... it was entertaining seeing you go through all the dramatics...it was fun to tell my girl about it later and laughing at you...plus i know sex would follow and i was horny

#2...guy says "you dont have to suck it, just give it a kiss"...uh, really, does this one even need commentary?...
why i "fall for it"...cause i enjoy sucking, licking, kissing, etc. and always jump at a chance to practice my skillz...plus i know sex will probably follow and i was horny....

#3...guy says, "lets rent dvd's and you can come over instead of going out to the movies"...guy rents movie he has probably already seen before during movie he starts kissing neck, moving to mouth, then a little touchy-feely and soon some fingering leading to my legs spread open on the couch before the movie ends...
why i "fall for it"...damn, once again cause i know sex will probably follow and i was horny...

here are a few more...guy says "lets go lay down, i just want to hold you"..."can i come up"..."let me get you another drink"..."come over, and ill cook for you"...

i decided not to go through the others, they are all pretty typical....but bottom line is i knew before you came over or i came over whether i was going to give into your gimmick, i also pretty much knew what gimmick you were going to try....might as well skip the game playin and just be like "wanna fuck?"...i might say yes i might say no but that cuts out a lot of xtra brain activity and scheming....