Friends...and the Benefits?

sooooo.....
me and dude had the "lets just be friends" convo last night...it went very well...turns out i wasnt the only one frustrated with our "situation"....

we met at the end of june last year and from then until oh maybe the beginning of september i was pretty much living at his place, i came to my place to take naps and grab xtra clothes...

((we had SO much drama when we first got together his ex girl didnt want him with anyone but her, his boy was upset cause he liked me (i mean he wanted to cut) and me and dude ended up getting together...i mean having an "understanding"..we were going to be "friends"...))

anyway we decided to back it up and chill cause we were moving pretty fast...so i gave him a key to my place and while we stayed seeing each other a lot we just kept the sleepovers for the weekend...

and then after a while of that there really werent anymore sleepovers...

soon we were spending maybe one or two days a week with each other...we werent going out...he just kinda came over i would cook dinner, we would watch tv, he might take a nap while i read, we would get around to having sex, take showers (SEPERATELY) and then he would leave and i would get ready for bed, he would call to say he made it home...

then even that much stopped he would call say he was on his way over we would have sex, shower he would leave and i MIGHT hear from him the next day...or i would call or even just text, let him know he needed to come through...

and then...i had someone spend the weekend with me/....but instead of him coming out and telling me how we felt about it he just stopped coming around, and barely called, and i was cool with that too...aint that a shame...we were avoiding each other...

and i knew our "situation" had been getting progressively worse and turning into something i def didnt want but i also knew i didnt want more from it....sounds crazy?....

but like i told him last night...i enjoy spending time with him, when we did spend time, and i thought that we had a solid friendship because we do..we have leaned on each other and been the main people in each others lives for almost a year so we have some semblance of a friendship...although i think it kinda got lost in the shuffle...but its still there, somewhere...we genuinely like each other...but not in a relationship kinda way...and we were trying to make it a pseudo relationship when it wasnt possible....

we could have easily made a commitmnt to each other a long time ago...but we didnt because deep down we both knew we didnt want to but we just didnt ell each other...we both had other priorities and we wernt at the top of each others list...

im glad we talked though...i told him i wasnt happy with our situation and he told me he was holding resentment towards me for having a guy spend the weekend at my apartment...even though i told him it was platonic (probably the only time i ever lied to him - thats how i knew it was over)...

he said his feeling were hurt...he explained it that u dont really know how much u want to be in someonbody's (mine) bed until someone else is in it...he also said he was mad but felt he didnt have the right to be mad because we were not together and in essesnce i dont owe him anything...a classic battle between the heart and the head...

i told him i understand that but he should be able to talk to me...because more than likely i had gone through the same feelings...treating him like my man, expecting him to act like my man when in reality he WASNT my man....

see how that "agreements" and "understandings" can get twisted?...

i told myself after the second time i got into a "friends" situation (see blog entry :"the conversation" that i would never do it again....and yet this is proably situation number three or four....but this one ended up good...we came to an understanding that we need to be friends and work on our friendship and all that other stuff has to be let go of..all the expectations, the intamcy and the other shyt that left us not being able to communicate...

now i gotta call him and get my key back....

Arbitrary Announcements...

*this should be subtitled: "but ITS NOT MY FAULT"*

*wink + shy innocent smile*

i was going to comment on the quote from the last entry...but i aint feelin like it....eventually....maybe....*shrugs shoulders*

im on the hunt for a new apartment...something cheaper but something that is still up to my pesudo bourgeois standards....ok, aiight...its not pseudo...im slightly bourgeois...kinda...well a little...i just like quality...ITS NOT MY FAULT, i blame my parents....but back to the hunt...so i am have been looking online and in the paper...i found a few spots im interested in..im trying to move at the end of april thats when my lease is up...i dont want to be too close to the university...im not trying to mix with the collge folks...but who knows...if i find a nice deal...ill work with it...

ummm...i love XM radio...especially channal 62-suite 62....they play the sexy music...like the mellow music..old jams, news jams...like just this morning on my ride into work they played Weak by SWV...RIIIGHT....that was the jam when i was in 7th grade...or 8th..one of them...me and my girls thought we could sing..we would break up the verses and try to harmonize...lol...im sure we sounded like some kittens in pain....oh i also like channel 61 and 67....i think ive said that before....oh well...

im at work..and im bored...i already put my pages together for tomorrow morning that way i wont be stressed out on my deadline...all i have to do in the morning is find some good stories, code them and plug them into spots...

i have to get my GRE stuff together...my mom said she would be happy to pay for it..thats hot cause its a little over a hundred dollars...and i got a speeding ticket last thursday...ITS NOT MY FAULT...so i need $96.50 to pay that...$96.50!!!!...i cant even contest it cause shauna was doin 70 in a 55 but i honestly think they need to up the speed limit in that area...i told the cop i thought i was under 65....yeah right...i didnt even get a warning he was like..."here's your ticket have a nice day, watch your speed"...cant tell the folks about that...just have to pay it soon...

ive noticed i am picky about my groceries...i go to one store to get my fruits and veggies (thing is the same store is right down the street from me but i go to the one across town cause i feel they have better quality fresh stuff) i then go to the meat market to get my fish, chicken and beef (also across town) and then i go up the street to get normal stuff and flowers and then i hit up wal-mart (down the street in the other direction) for stuff other stores have but just happen to be cheaper at wal-mart, like water and cleaning and laundry supplies....like yall really care....so....

i think im done rambling..it is now 2:57 and i am out of here at 3:00...i was going to stay til 4 since i am leaving an hour early tomorrow to get my hair done but....not gonna happen girlfriend is sleepy...plus im going to check out this apartment complex up the street from me...*note to self* call dad and beg for money to get my hair done...i have a meeting at 8 to plan the church newsletter for next month and i have to get to the gym by 4 so i can beat the rush...what a boring day...okay 3:00 on the dot.....*in my best kyle barker (u know living single) voice* "buh-bye"

God...

my girl joan morgan wrote this in her book "When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost"

..."When me and God's relationship is right, everything else just kinda falls into place. if work feels like its demanding too much, i kick it with God and he reminds me of my purpose. if life's obstacles seem too much for me to handle, God wraps his arms around me and reminds me of what we've accomplished together in the past. if lonliness is tempting me to lay my heart down in a place it cant helped but get stepped on, God reminds me that heartache is what tends to set in when a woman calls on a man to do the job that was intended only for him...By giving God his proper place, i free my relationships from unreasonable expectations. and i free myself from fear - because i know that somebody out there has got my back. REGARDLESS."


okay i wanted to dwell on this for a minute but i am getting sleepy so i will be back soon to throw some thoughts on it....good night....

Smile...

this is me when i was studying in Nashville...i was xtra chunky during this time cause i swear i was eating peach cobbler like twice a week and soo much soul food and wine...and alcohol *wink*...i was having such a good time....sooo much fun....and i learned so much about myself...i think right before this pic me and my boyfriend had called it quits a couple days ago...the long distance thing was not working for us...well, for him anyway.....*making the poo-poo face*...but ya know what...i kept smiling..i was sad but i got over it...and me and him have a friendship..not as tight as we used to be but i know i could call him if i need him...
but i digress....this was a life changing experience for me...if i never found out about this program i would never be writing for a living...something i never thought could happen....and although at times i wonder if i made the right choice..or if writing is for me...i just remember to push through the doubt and keep smiling....

Lovin me....

this is me....taken my senior year of college...i was doing a photo shoot for an online fashion industry magazine....the photographer made me look so good...and can u believe it was actually cloudy and rainy that day?....i love this pic because it shows me doing something i love to do...even though i was posed this came out looking so natural....

looking at this pic makes me miss my carefree days in school..although i am glad they r over...it also makes me miss Larry, they guy who used to do my hair...he used to HOOK ME UP...i got my hair done every week...although i only paid every two weeks...and i never had to worry about looking a mess..he would ask me what do u want done... and i was always like whatever u want to do because he never made me look bad....okay enough about Larry....

im done now with the pics...at least for a minute....okay maybe not..i might just post a couple more...lol

Peace....

isnt she gorgeous??....this piece is called "A Moment of Peace" by Lashun Beal

Memes?

*i did a nice little cut and paste from STUD POET'S blog (thanks!)*

1. First name?...shauna

2. Were you named after anyone?...my middle name Marie, is my one of my aunt's middle name...

3. Do you wish on stars?...i have before, but its not something i do regularly...

4. When did you last cry?...today, although it had been a while...maybe a month or two ago...

5. Do you like your handwriting?...kinda, when it is neat...its kinda bubbly though, i wish it was a little straighter....

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?...honey turkey...

7. What is your birth date?...7-11-81...

8. What is your most embarrassing CD?...hmmmmm....im not sure...

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?...yeah, i would...i might look at myself funny first though, until i got to know me...

10. Do you have a journal?...several...but some of them arent written in, i just thought they were pretty so i bought them...

11. Do you use sarcasm a lot?...when it is needed...yeah....sometimes i need to stop...

12. Would you bungee jump?...id rather go skydiving, but sure why not...

13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?...no, not usually...

14. Do you think that you are strong?...i think i get stronger everyday...

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?...its a tie - breyers vanilla and baskin robbins goldmedal ribbon...

16. Red or pink?...pink...

17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?...it takes me a minute to loosen up around a group ofpeople that i dont know well...

18. Who do you miss most?...somone in D.C. - they know who they are....

19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?...a medium colored blue jean and chocolate tims...

20. What are you listening to right now?....the Love Jones soundtrack...

21. Last thing you ate?...an apple...

22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?...Spelman blue....

23. What is the weather like right now?...sunny, warm....

24. Last person you talked to on the phone?...A wrong number...before that my mama...

25. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?...face...

26. Do you like the person who sent this to you?....i stole it from someone’s blog...thanks STUD POET...

27. Favorite Drink?...white zifandal...non-alcoholic:cranberry juice...

28. Favorite Sport?...track...

29. Hair Color?...dark brown...

30. Eye Color?...dark brown...

31. Do you wear contacts?...on occasion...

32. Favorite Food?...i cant answer this question..i like FOOD period!...

33. Last Movie You Watched?...i somewhat watched Collateral, i kept dozing off...

34. Favorite Day Of The Year?...my birthday...

35. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings?...happy endings...

36. Summer Or Winter?...SUMMER!!!! i love heat....but winter in FLorida orCalifornia would be okay too...

37. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?...wow..its a tie between cheesecake w/ caramel sauce,and peach cobbler w/ french vanilla ice cream...

38. Living Arrangements?...two bedroom apartment, my first apartment, i like it but im moving soon...

39. What Books Are You Reading?...nothing at the moment...amazingly, no really though i havent had any xtra money to pick one up...i've been hoarding magazines lately though...

40. What's On Your Mouse Pad?...at work: its black with the newspaper website
at home: its purple...

41. What Did You Watch Last night on TV?...UPN Monday night line up...

42. Favorite Smells?...eculyptus and peppermint...

43. Favorite Sounds?...music...and sometimes heavy breathing and my name being whispered right before a soft moan...

44. Do you have any special talents?... *wink*...

45. Shoe size?...7 or 7.5 (if i have to wear socks)...

46. Hugs or Kisses?...both if they are from the person i want to give them to me...

45. What is your ring tone?...ummm, i have quiet a few:
burn by usher-for one of my ex's
shoulda known better by monica- for another ex
come on over to my place by nelly and jaheim-general ring
why by jadakiss and anthony hamilton-notify of a text
lean back by fat joe-voicemail
turn on-i cant wait by sleepy brown
turn off-dangerously in love by beyonce
my best friend-so sexy by twista
mom-you and me by cassidy and sunshine by lil flip
i think that is all of them.....

Indulgences....

my guilty pleasures.....things i could do without but would rather not...


1.milky way dark's....dark chocolate, caramel, nouget...mmmmmmm

2.sipping wine from pretty wine glasses....my favorite glasses have purple flowers painted on them...

3.books by Zane....everyone needs some good smut every now and again, i keep mine near the bed....

4.candles, lightly scented.....i keep them all over the house and light them after work....im partial to a soft vanilla scent

5.a long bubble bath complete with eculyptus/peppermint oil in my oil diffuser and lavendar bath salts and candles glowing (one day maybe even a man behind me)...

6.giving myself a mani/pedi....sometimes just the time out to do something for myself feels good....

7.cheesecake with caramel sauce...

8.teddy bears....

9.pretty journals...even if i never write in them...

10.crew socks..pulled up to my calf...they r sooo comfy

11.my satin robe from vicki's...it just feels good to lay around with something smooth and soft rubbing on my skin....

12.face products...i cant stop buying them...exfoliators, astringents, masks...luv'em...

13.lotions...im addicted to really thick lotions...well any lotions really..it isnt even about the frangrance but how they make my skin feel...

14.paul mitchell tea tree shampoo/conditioner.....Mmmmmmm....

15.clean sheets....i love the smell and feel of freshly washed sheets...makes me want to stay in bed all day...

16.heels...pretty ones...color doesnt matter...size 7 or 7 1/2

17.girl talk...my girls are my sisters....since we dont live in the same state anymore talking to them is a blessing...

18.being called "baby"...its so unfeminist of me but i cant help but like it whispered in my ear....but only when its from the person i want whisperin it...

19.slow jams....old school, new school..whatever..sumthin nice and soothing that makes u want to slow dance...

20."Sex in the City"...gotta love Carrie and the girls...and "Girlfriends"..i love Joan with her neurotic ass and her flighty girls...

21.sexy men....with soft lips, pretty doe eyes and long eyelashes...broad shoulders and thick calves...soft hands...strong voices..the ability to pick me up at any given moment...

22.holding hands...nuff said

23.make-up...i might wear it once a week but i like the process of putting it on and creating my "face" for the day....

24.long naps on Saturday afternoons....and Sunday afternoons...shoo, any afternoon...

25.putting my sunroof up, windows down, shades on, hair flowin, drivin fast down the high-way....perferably in Atlanta, but hey...


***that's it for now....maybe some more later...cant wait to indulge***

Tuesday Night Conversations...

i think i might change my template...dunno.....
for some reason i like seeing my words in gray...hmm...

so....i get a call last night....from a guy i consider a friend...we have messed around a couple times..and he was my firstvisitor when i moved to my apartment in may...hes a really greatguy...problem is he is a really great guy for some other woman....idont think i reallly appreciated him...he came into my life after meand my ex broke up...not a good thing...he definitely didnt get theattention from me that he deserved.....but anyway....he called...
well he left a message the tone of his voice made me callback...the fact that i actually checked the messages is a miracle sincei usually only check them once a week...but he called an an unusal hourfor him to call and i had to see what was the deal...

he asked me where i though i would be in two to five years...and itold him i dont know...and thats the truth...but he made it seem likeit was a bad thing i didnt know...well the tone of his voice did...buti think its wonderful that i dont know....i mean i am applying to gradschools all over the country, there is no telling where i could end upor what ill be doing...maybe ill still be right where i am, though idoubt it...i mean im 23, i have A LOT more living to do and i am nottrying to tie myself down to one specific thing, why should i....

so then he asks me what do i see him as...and i replied afriend..and he was like a friend nothing more nothing less..and i waslike yeah pretty much...now this is my bad cause i knew he was slightlyfeeling me and i knew a while ago that i couldnt be anything more thana friend to him and i wasnt straight up in telling him that..i led himon and that is wrong....

he then asked me if i was seeing someone..and i saidslightly..cause i am seeing someone but i dont know how long its goingto last and where it is going (see bottom)..i mean i like this dude butim not sure if liking him is enough...im not sure if i could plan afuture with him...he is trying to make moves and i am too...and i dontthink they r in the same direction....plus some other stuff that i havebeen feeling about our situation lately is now really starting to layheavy on my mind....

so then he tells me....that i dont need to live in the past, that iam a great girl and i need to look ahead to the future and that i needto be happy and not worry about things that i did back in the day...imnot sure where this came from but i guess he figured he saw somethingin me that seemed like i was living in the past..i mean yes i missatlanta, and yes i am still figuring out who i am and i think lookingto my past situations will help me not to make the same mistakes againor give me ispiration to keep goin when i look back at my triumphs...soi didnt know where this was coming from..i mean i am happy, i amhappier now than i have been in a while and i dont think anything iswrong with a little self-reflection....but i guess he didnt think i washappy...well maybe its cause i talk to him at night before bed when iam in a settling down for the night mood...a lot of times i have justfinished writing in my journal....who knows....i know that i am lookingfoward to my future and i cant wait to see where i will be headed andwhat i will be doing..i am still growing and i think it is importantfor me to acknowledge my growth...

so that pretty much ended the convo...he said thanks for being honest with him about dude...i was just like yeah sure..and he then hepretty much hung up...the convo was only like 3 min..with mostly himtalking...i dont know if i will ever hear from him again...it was coolto have him in my life for the seasons he was in it...but its up to himto reach out...the convo left me feeling like our relationship was overor at least not going to be the same...but thats how life works right?

so then i talk to my girl...she is so care free...she decided that she was going to quit her job in may and move to london for a couplemonths...all on the spur of the moment...as i was talking to her shewas on her way to mardi gras - by herself- she hopped on a train andjust took off....said she was going to experieince new orleans and eatsome gumbo...i admire her independence and love for learning andlife..she is not tied down to things she can just get up and go...and ithink that is great..i wish i was less reserved...and worried aboutconsequences...but i think that is a part of me that needs to developnaturally, maybe it will maybe it wont...but i wish her the best andcant wait for the post cards...

i also had a call from this guy i had an experience with...we seem to be digging each other...and i think we will be good friends...the sex is also so crazy between us..its just so passionate...he makes me want to try newthings...but we had a good convo..im not going to go into it...but itleft me wanting to feel his lips one more time...and wanting to bewrapped up in his arms...

so those are my convos from last night...all interesting, allfulfilling....all leaving me with something new to look into...newparts of myself to explore.....


oh, and by the way, i almost forgot...im a little upset....dudecame through..well kinda..he called said he was at the store down thestreet....said he was doing some stuff regarding his job..said he wasgoing to stop through and grab some info i got off the internet forhim...i said the info was in my car...he said aiight then im not gonnacome up just open the car...so i stood in the window unlocked my carwith my remote..he grabbed what he needed and dipped...so why am iupset...cause he hadnt called all day, then got what he came for anddecided not to call again...he still hasnt called..funny thing, i hadsome male company this weekend, a friend of mind stopped through tohang out..and he wanted to call like 3-4 times a day about arbitraryshyt..but now my guy friend is gone and he doesnt know how to pick upthe phone...see this is how i know we are growing apart because we donteven talk...and if anything else we always had good convo....but forsome reason..im not THAT upset, well not upset enough to bring it up tohim...i mean i enjoy his company but right now i am not pressed to havehim around..so ya know what...im done being upset...cause i justrealized im not THAT angry..i just didnt like how he came through likethat...especially since i havent seen him in over a week and last timei did see him it was only for 20 min...i see the situation for what itis...and i am prepared for the outcome....

imma just continue doing me...we will see what happens....

Down but Not Out...

i went to bible study last night, for the first time....my friend who is an asst. minister at my church leads the campus bible study, and although i am not a student i really like to hear him speak and we have had quite a few uplifting talks so i went to his bible study...and a couple things struck me....

he mentioned the movie Enough w/ j.lo...ive never seen it but maybe ill check it out soon...anyway...he said there was a part in the movie where j's instructor tells her that when u r on the ground thats when your attacker thinks he has u beat, but actually when u r on the ground that is when u r at your strongest...i suppose because u can see your surroundings when u r low, and thats when u r under estimated that most and u can use that to your advantage....

but anyway there r probably many ways to interpret that....to each is own...i started thinking, have i had low points, when where they, what did i do to get back up....i think what i do is write...writing helps me flesh out my problems...i also pray cause thats when i know i am not alone...

i was going through my journal and found an entry...i wrote it a few months ago...i was at a low point...and while i havent completely pulled through it..im workin on me...

"i want so much but i dont know where to begin and im not sure exactly what all i want...i want to be w/ someone who adores the shyt out of me and not just w/ someone who thinks im a good thing to pass their time away...i feel like me and dude are stuck in park and going no where fast - its like we both agreed to use each other until we find something better and while it can be fun at times, most of the time it is draining and i feel like im wasting my time almost wishing we could be more but knowing its not going to happen - its like we are growing further apart because it is dawning on us that our purpose to each other is not being fulfilled - i dont feel good about us anymore...i feel like im waiting for it to be like it was even when i know we cant go back...
im not doing for myself anymore, im not concentrating on my needs and wants and im almost feeling i dont deserve to and i know thats not true - i deserve so much more credit than i am giving myself and its almost like i am stunting my own growth - i have potential but im scared of my own power and strength - i feel so foggy because i dont have a plan and i am not sure of my goals or my talents...most of the time i feel like i have nothing to contribute, like im weak, like i have no opinions and while mentally i know this is not the case i cant seem to find anything to contridict these feelings - for some reason i dont trust people when they tell me im good or smart or talented, its like i cant see it, but i really want to...
confusing ---> fake confidence? things arent always what they appear to be - not always what they seem
why am i so scared of living?
how do i live on my own?
is my ambition dying?
can i accomplish my goals?
what r my goals?
how do i achieve?
how do i look at myself?
why am i not looking at my self worth?"

so this was me....and part of it still is...but i am working on me...and i have answered a few of my questions...but im still strugglin...i was down but not out...that was just one of the valleys on my way to the mountain top...

i had another epiphany about my college life...ill save that for another day..lets just say i was looking for love in all the wrong places...i felt lost and didnt know where to turn - didnt even know i WAS lost...so my life was a mess and i didnt even know it.....

My new position...

so i started my new poition as wire editor on monday...its A LOT more work but it i am enjoying it...it hasnt taken me very long to learn the program..i use the same program for my Saturday community page....but thats just one page once a week...this new position is anywhere from 2 to 4 pages every morning with a 10 a.m. deadline...i didnt really have a deadline for my Saturday page, just as long as i sent it to the press before i went home on Fridays....
editing and laying out the AP wire pages can be hectic on deadline especially when i also have to pull wire for others, especially when they dont know they need new wire until right before deadline....
i got to work at 7 this morning and worked straight through til 11..and then rght after i ate lunch i already had the page layout for tomorrow..so i alreayed started on it so that i dont have to come in early tomorrow...i was so busy i forgot to eat breakfast and my usual mid-morning snack...which led to me having this big ass headache i just took some excedrin for....

but this new work is fun and exciting...so while i am worn out i am also satisfied...i feel like i am really pitching in with the morning paper...not with just stories and pictures but also with the technical stuff that u dont get to experience at a big paper.....
i know once i get the hang of the program, and all the shortcuts it will be smooth sailing...looking through the AP wire is interesting, all the stories from all over the world..and i get to choose which ones to put in the paper..its a challenge...

well...my work life is feeling good right now..i hadnt been feeling fulfilled with my work situation lately but i think i am on my way to really enjoying work again..now that i am busy the day goes by faster....

i hope i make it to the gym today...

if not i can go home a take a nap and feel good that i am really tired out from work and not just being lazy...