Tuesday Night Conversations...

i think i might change my template...dunno.....
for some reason i like seeing my words in gray...hmm...

so....i get a call last night....from a guy i consider a friend...we have messed around a couple times..and he was my firstvisitor when i moved to my apartment in may...hes a really greatguy...problem is he is a really great guy for some other woman....idont think i reallly appreciated him...he came into my life after meand my ex broke up...not a good thing...he definitely didnt get theattention from me that he deserved.....but anyway....he called...
well he left a message the tone of his voice made me callback...the fact that i actually checked the messages is a miracle sincei usually only check them once a week...but he called an an unusal hourfor him to call and i had to see what was the deal...

he asked me where i though i would be in two to five years...and itold him i dont know...and thats the truth...but he made it seem likeit was a bad thing i didnt know...well the tone of his voice did...buti think its wonderful that i dont know....i mean i am applying to gradschools all over the country, there is no telling where i could end upor what ill be doing...maybe ill still be right where i am, though idoubt it...i mean im 23, i have A LOT more living to do and i am nottrying to tie myself down to one specific thing, why should i....

so then he asks me what do i see him as...and i replied afriend..and he was like a friend nothing more nothing less..and i waslike yeah pretty much...now this is my bad cause i knew he was slightlyfeeling me and i knew a while ago that i couldnt be anything more thana friend to him and i wasnt straight up in telling him that..i led himon and that is wrong....

he then asked me if i was seeing someone..and i saidslightly..cause i am seeing someone but i dont know how long its goingto last and where it is going (see bottom)..i mean i like this dude butim not sure if liking him is enough...im not sure if i could plan afuture with him...he is trying to make moves and i am too...and i dontthink they r in the same direction....plus some other stuff that i havebeen feeling about our situation lately is now really starting to layheavy on my mind....

so then he tells me....that i dont need to live in the past, that iam a great girl and i need to look ahead to the future and that i needto be happy and not worry about things that i did back in the day...imnot sure where this came from but i guess he figured he saw somethingin me that seemed like i was living in the past..i mean yes i missatlanta, and yes i am still figuring out who i am and i think lookingto my past situations will help me not to make the same mistakes againor give me ispiration to keep goin when i look back at my triumphs...soi didnt know where this was coming from..i mean i am happy, i amhappier now than i have been in a while and i dont think anything iswrong with a little self-reflection....but i guess he didnt think i washappy...well maybe its cause i talk to him at night before bed when iam in a settling down for the night mood...a lot of times i have justfinished writing in my journal....who knows....i know that i am lookingfoward to my future and i cant wait to see where i will be headed andwhat i will be doing..i am still growing and i think it is importantfor me to acknowledge my growth...

so that pretty much ended the convo...he said thanks for being honest with him about dude...i was just like yeah sure..and he then hepretty much hung up...the convo was only like 3 min..with mostly himtalking...i dont know if i will ever hear from him again...it was coolto have him in my life for the seasons he was in it...but its up to himto reach out...the convo left me feeling like our relationship was overor at least not going to be the same...but thats how life works right?

so then i talk to my girl...she is so care free...she decided that she was going to quit her job in may and move to london for a couplemonths...all on the spur of the moment...as i was talking to her shewas on her way to mardi gras - by herself- she hopped on a train andjust took off....said she was going to experieince new orleans and eatsome gumbo...i admire her independence and love for learning andlife..she is not tied down to things she can just get up and go...and ithink that is great..i wish i was less reserved...and worried aboutconsequences...but i think that is a part of me that needs to developnaturally, maybe it will maybe it wont...but i wish her the best andcant wait for the post cards...

i also had a call from this guy i had an experience with...we seem to be digging each other...and i think we will be good friends...the sex is also so crazy between us..its just so passionate...he makes me want to try newthings...but we had a good convo..im not going to go into it...but itleft me wanting to feel his lips one more time...and wanting to bewrapped up in his arms...

so those are my convos from last night...all interesting, allfulfilling....all leaving me with something new to look into...newparts of myself to explore.....


oh, and by the way, i almost forgot...im a little upset....dudecame through..well kinda..he called said he was at the store down thestreet....said he was doing some stuff regarding his job..said he wasgoing to stop through and grab some info i got off the internet forhim...i said the info was in my car...he said aiight then im not gonnacome up just open the car...so i stood in the window unlocked my carwith my remote..he grabbed what he needed and dipped...so why am iupset...cause he hadnt called all day, then got what he came for anddecided not to call again...he still hasnt called..funny thing, i hadsome male company this weekend, a friend of mind stopped through tohang out..and he wanted to call like 3-4 times a day about arbitraryshyt..but now my guy friend is gone and he doesnt know how to pick upthe phone...see this is how i know we are growing apart because we donteven talk...and if anything else we always had good convo....but forsome reason..im not THAT upset, well not upset enough to bring it up tohim...i mean i enjoy his company but right now i am not pressed to havehim around..so ya know what...im done being upset...cause i justrealized im not THAT angry..i just didnt like how he came through likethat...especially since i havent seen him in over a week and last timei did see him it was only for 20 min...i see the situation for what itis...and i am prepared for the outcome....

imma just continue doing me...we will see what happens....