Down but Not Out...

i went to bible study last night, for the first time....my friend who is an asst. minister at my church leads the campus bible study, and although i am not a student i really like to hear him speak and we have had quite a few uplifting talks so i went to his bible study...and a couple things struck me....

he mentioned the movie Enough w/ j.lo...ive never seen it but maybe ill check it out soon...anyway...he said there was a part in the movie where j's instructor tells her that when u r on the ground thats when your attacker thinks he has u beat, but actually when u r on the ground that is when u r at your strongest...i suppose because u can see your surroundings when u r low, and thats when u r under estimated that most and u can use that to your advantage....

but anyway there r probably many ways to interpret that....to each is own...i started thinking, have i had low points, when where they, what did i do to get back up....i think what i do is write...writing helps me flesh out my problems...i also pray cause thats when i know i am not alone...

i was going through my journal and found an entry...i wrote it a few months ago...i was at a low point...and while i havent completely pulled through it..im workin on me...

"i want so much but i dont know where to begin and im not sure exactly what all i want...i want to be w/ someone who adores the shyt out of me and not just w/ someone who thinks im a good thing to pass their time away...i feel like me and dude are stuck in park and going no where fast - its like we both agreed to use each other until we find something better and while it can be fun at times, most of the time it is draining and i feel like im wasting my time almost wishing we could be more but knowing its not going to happen - its like we are growing further apart because it is dawning on us that our purpose to each other is not being fulfilled - i dont feel good about us anymore...i feel like im waiting for it to be like it was even when i know we cant go back...
im not doing for myself anymore, im not concentrating on my needs and wants and im almost feeling i dont deserve to and i know thats not true - i deserve so much more credit than i am giving myself and its almost like i am stunting my own growth - i have potential but im scared of my own power and strength - i feel so foggy because i dont have a plan and i am not sure of my goals or my talents...most of the time i feel like i have nothing to contribute, like im weak, like i have no opinions and while mentally i know this is not the case i cant seem to find anything to contridict these feelings - for some reason i dont trust people when they tell me im good or smart or talented, its like i cant see it, but i really want to...
confusing ---> fake confidence? things arent always what they appear to be - not always what they seem
why am i so scared of living?
how do i live on my own?
is my ambition dying?
can i accomplish my goals?
what r my goals?
how do i achieve?
how do i look at myself?
why am i not looking at my self worth?"

so this was me....and part of it still is...but i am working on me...and i have answered a few of my questions...but im still strugglin...i was down but not out...that was just one of the valleys on my way to the mountain top...

i had another epiphany about my college life...ill save that for another day..lets just say i was looking for love in all the wrong places...i felt lost and didnt know where to turn - didnt even know i WAS lost...so my life was a mess and i didnt even know it.....