Jack-O and other thoughts...

first i have to get this off my chest...i am SOOO over the michael jackson coverage....
we all know he is a little different...
we all know he has some issues....
we all know he went from a nice grande whole milk cafe mocha to a vente vanilla latte w/ skim milk...(yes that is starbuck's lingo)
we all still love Thriller and Off the Wall (im assuming)...
we all know the fam is a little "special"...
we have all seen the Jackson movie (another assumtion)...
we all know that chillin with little boys in bed is suspect....carrying around a monkey was also weird...
im just tired...i dont want to hear anymore...all this overkill information about the case on CNN and MSNBC and every other media outlet is getting on my last nerve....this trial might last for a good year...so chill, wait let it go...

remember Whitley's mantra on A different World...."Relax, Relate, Release"....u can even do the silly ass arm movements she used to do...whatever just do sumthin to get this michael kick out the system...


NOW BACK TO MY FAV SUBJECT - ME:

i have put the damn diet to rest....i have lost a few pounds...but more importantly i have learned how to eat better and make wiser food choices....and i have also learned that fat free, sugar free Jell-O chocolate pudding is really goood....(and please no more cosby talk, im iggin anymore cosby talk...Jimi, i love ya but i aint reading about the coz no more, lol, i know u dont really givva fuk bout what the hell i do, but hey...) so anyway...i have reaquainted myself with the gym and have gotten real good at pickin out fresh fruits and veggies...im still working on drinking more water throughout the day...but as far as that diet goes...it can kiss my ass....

sidenote: My, MsInstyle i deleted it, dont know why i had saved it...but its gone now...no more looking back over my shoulder....i aint running from stuff no more....im now doing a graceful dance down the street like Diana Ross did in The Wiz, only a little slower and with a better outfit...and my "Get'em girl" heels....thanks sis....thanks for telling your story....

Sevens.....miss u girl....glad we have started emailing during the day....

so i decided to get little pieces of my life together..i spent saturday regrouping...after i went to my mentor session with the group of girls i volunteer with....i went to Borders and bought a GRE book....and then i went home and organzined my office/library (actually bedroom number 2 of my apt)...and u know after filing all my papers and going around the house gathering books and magazines and puttingthem in their proper places, and vacuuming...i felt a lot clearer....

sidenote: i think vacuuming is a cure all...the repetitive movements and the loud noise not allowing u to concentrate on anything else....i added a little of that stuff u sprinkle on your carpet to make it smell good....

i also decided to get out more....i emailed a few places to volunteer at..like this local theatre, they are having yusef komanyacha (sp) he was a poet during the black arts era...and then they r showing the "Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman" later this week...so, why not see the stuff i really want to see for free by volunteering?....

i am really happy right now...i mean i spent all last week worrying about my future..but this is a new week and im going to start it off right....by letting life flow and getting caught up in all the good things.....

church was SOOO powerful yesterday....i mean i felt truly blessed to witness the effect that God can have on people's lives, i havent cried so much in a while....after the benediction..i went up to see my friend who plays bass for the choir and is an asst, minister...we started the church newsletter together and we always try to arrange a schedule after church real quick to meet about the newsletter...sometimes a bunch of us will get together and have sunday dinner at his house....anyway...i went up to him , and all he could do was reach over and hug me...and it was a good kind of hug, a hug from happiness and witnessing the spirit in others...now, yall, dont go assuming anything, he has a fiance....its just that he has become a good friend to me since ive moved here...and we have had some very enlightening conversations...he has helped me on my spiritual journey (im struggling forreal)...and i really value his friendship....

"flatter me, and i may not believe you; criticize me and i may not like you; ignore me and i may not forgive you; encourage me and i may not forget you"
-dont know who wrote this, but if u do let me know....

An Apology...

Heart,

i just wanted to write you a note to say i'm sorry....you have always been there for me and i didnt appreciate how hard you work to keep me happy....i know this apology is long overdue....please forgive me...

im sorry for ignoring your vulnerability....i just didnt know how to face u when u were feeling low
im sorry for abusing your trust...i didnt mean to lie to you, i wasnt sure if you could handle what i had to say
im sorry for using you...
im sorry for letting you get stomped on....repeatedly, knowing i knew the signs and i still didnt pay enough attention
im sorry for not listening to you....i just thought i had all the answers
im sorry for not sitting back and following your lead when you knew what you were doing...
im sorry for taking your presence for granted...i wasnt sure how much u really did for me until i turned cold
im sorry for neglecting your needs and putting my wants ahead of you...

please understand that i never meant to hurt you and i am so thankful that u havent given up on me...please i hope u never do....without u i will turn into that evil woman that needs to exhale....i dont want to be that woman...please except my apology...i promise to try harder...

i need you, i love you....

Spel

The Conversation.....

so i am pissed the hell off case i at this typed exactly the way i wanted it and then i go to "publish" it and i get that "cannot find server screen" so i quickly click on the back button and i have a blank scfreen staring at me...pissed....
so i was on my other blog spot and i cut and pasted this AIM convo from about three years ago between me and my "cut buddy"...well lets just say the cut thing didnt work out between us because we both got emotionally attached, me moreso than him...but i cut and pasted this convo into my email after it went down...i guess to remind myself not to get in over my head again and the consequenses of not using my voice and telling someone what i want and how i feel..."xxx" name is sean...and he was a charming asshole...and i liked charming assholes...he was a renaiassnce type guy...a poet, musican, singer, composer..and a dual degree physics major...we was smart as hell and soooo pretty...we had this louisana accent and this creole complexion with these piercing green eyes...not exactly the type of guy i went for but i couldnt stop myself from being intrigued by him...we met in one of my English classes, he was auditing...and when he showed up had always had the girls fluttering...but i was trying so hard not so act impressed...i didnt like being intrigued by him cause all these girls were just falling over his every word...but he approached me quietly and we started "hanging out" and we would see each other in class and it was like we had this secret...i was way in over my head and i didnt even see it coming...i was consumed by his charm and by lust....but i understood him, my renaissance man, there were times when he let his guard down and we had some very emotional convos..he was becoming a friend....but we just couldnt get it together...we were both trying to be too hard, too proud, to player-like....soon after this convo our relationship died...but i learned alot about lust, infatuation and pain...and i will always remember him for that....but now thats all he is, just a memory...a growing pain....

xxx: miss me?
Spelangel: do u miss me is the question
xxx: why would that be the question
Spelangel: cause i said so
Spelangel: im waiting...
xxx: ........you're so childish
Spelangel: u arent gonna answer?
Spelangel: damn, thats mean
xxx: .......the guilt card
xxx: i asked u first, and you can't even say something
Spelangel: whose feeling guilty?
xxx: aren't i the one who initiated this conversation
xxx: aren't i the one asking for the math
Spelangel: and...u wanted to cut
xxx: aren't i the one asking to cut
Spelangel: that dosent mean u miss me
Spelangel: thats mean u want some ass
xxx: .....i have yet to hear any questions from you and i'm sure i've asked at least 4
Spelangel: what would u like me to ask?
xxx: inquries into your personal and sexual life....you just must not care about mine
xxx: the fact that you haven't asked anything says enough for me
Spelangel: y u actin all sensitive
xxx: ....it's ok...i'll be alright
xxx: oh now you care
xxx: i see
Spelangel: xxx i know u are cuttin
xxx: ....i cut nuttin
Spelangel: im not worried about that
Spelangel: please
xxx: i'm still waiting
Spelangel: u want to know if i miss u?
xxx: for you to come home to me
xxx: i would like to know if you do or don't
Spelangel: u dont even call me when i am home so what am i supposed to think?
Spelangel: y do u act like u give a fuck now?
xxx: u have no idea what i've been going through do you
xxx: .....that's why it seems as though all of the sudden.."i give a fuck'
xxx: i can't remember when i stopped
Spelangel: and u dont know shit about my life eitherright now...
xxx: ....oh yeah...that's right when u up and got a boyfriend and didn't tell me
Spelangel: ive been through some shit, u aint the only one with problems
Spelangel: dont start that shit cause i did tell u
Spelangel: and u acted like an idiot
xxx: yeah yeah yeah
xxx: stopped gettin ur panties in a bunch...
xxx: if you have any on
Spelangel: u the one gettin all funky..and i dont
Spelangel: trippin over shit
xxx: lol ;-)
Spelangel: im not in a happy mood right now..u pissed me off
xxx: awww.....u gotta issue....here's a tissue ;-)
Spelangel: FUCK U....i see u dont really givva fuck about me
xxx: u can't be serious
Spelangel: i accepted that a while ago but
xxx: fuck u then
Spelangel: dont acy like im that important to u
xxx: u are
Spelangel: cause when i tols u how i felt u tripped on me
Spelangel: i told u everything and u gave me nithing
xxx: u are important, we haven't kicked it, and now you're holdin it against me
Spelangel: im not holding that against u..but u never gave me anything to let me know if i meant anything to u
Spelangel: i could care less about kickin it
xxx: i don't have time for this emotional rollercoaster you're tryin to put me on, if you had feelings for me, you kept them bottled up inside of you so you wouldn't get hurt, just like i did, i would have never kicked it with you as much as i did if i didn't give a shit about you and as far as your personal life is going, i wasn't upset that you got a boyfriend but we said a long time ago that if either one of us got one we would tell each other, i never said anything, but you NEVER told me that you were you just stopped calling and if your feelings were half of what you say they were then you would have given me the benefit of the doubt and said something to beforehand or at least asked to see what i felt about it.....but you didn't, you just up and started fuckin wit a high maintenance ass nigga that treated you like shit and then spited me when I wasn't thrilled with it
Spelangel: but instead of telling me u just tried to fuck, like that was gonna makie it better, i had some major feeling for u but u told me more than a couple times that u like dhow it was, so iwasnt gonna mess that up...and u trippin over ****, that nigga did come correct and let me know how he felt and yeah he didnt treat me great but u wernt the greatest either...i mean, i heard u had someone else anyway...
Spelangel: i tried xxx, i really did...and there are so many things abouu th i still find great but i wasnt gonna waste time with someone who didnt want me
xxx: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD TWURK IT TO TELL RALPH THAT I WAS GETTIN TO ATTACHED?!??
xxx: fuck that excuse
Spelangel: i never saifd that bullshit.....and how u gonna start using twerk it as someone to listen to
Spelangel: y would i say some shit like that about someone i wantede to pay attention to me? xxx: cuz she is your girl, and she told ralph and ralph told me.....he said....damn xxx she say you tryin to take her to meet your friends and shit....and ya'll suppose to be just fuckin....and WHEN!!! when did i ever do anything to hurt you intentionally
xxx: i can't believe you....you never once made mention that you wanted any more than what we had....and that's the truth....you may have had the best intentions, but we know what they say about good intentions
Spelangel: shes my gurl but i dont tell her shit about guys unless its sex...i was willing to take anything u gave me..i was feeling u that hard...but i cant tell u all of my feelings when i know u are still chillin with other girls, i refuse to play the fool...
Spelangel: and u didnt either xxx u never told me shit see how am i supposed to feel?
xxx: cuz if you feel something, u put it out on the table, i made it wayyy too easy to talk to me about anything, there should have been nothin you couldn't say to me.....am i hard person to talk to ...HELL NO....so why would you hold back, cuz you didn't know how I felt....well that's a pretty poor excuse....listen you treated me great, you were always cool, and i loved bein around you whether we were watchin movies or makin love, why would I have wanted it any different
Spelangel: i made it too easy for u..no i couldnt talk to you about my feelings...ive been hurt too many times, i cant d othat again, and when i finally did tell you, i didnt get anything back but "break upwith your boyfriend"....xxx if u had felt something would u have told me?
Spelangel: u loved what we had cause i was the perfect little pet, always there when u needed me and out of sight when u didnt
xxx: i didn't need a girlfriend
xxx: you were perfect....and don't tell me you didn't like it like that
Spelangel: exactly
Spelangel: but i wanted u
xxx: no u didn't
Spelangel: as a boyfriend
Spelangel: yes, i did
Spelangel: and knowing that u didnt want me, i wasnt gonna tell u
xxx: i couldn't deal with a girlfriend....but tell me...if that's what you wanted....what would have been different?!
Spelangel: it would have been different
Spelangel: cause i expect more out of a boyfriend..and i knew u didnt want that
xxx: like what?
Spelangel: for u to be there
Spelangel: your time
Spelangel: not just at 2 in the morning or a weekend
Spelangel: i want someone to ho
xxx: we were more than that...stop pretending
Spelangel: hold my hand
xxx: i did hold u....u must have forgotten
Spelangel: yes, we were alot more...but i never knew u knew that
Spelangel: yes, and i loved it
xxx: what the fuck...did you think i was doing that to everyone
Spelangel: but thats not the same
Spelangel: i know u wernt
Spelangel: but a nigga needs a litle reasurance sometimes
Spelangel: and then valentines day..i was pissed but i didnt have a right to b
Spelangel: so i swallowed that shit up and kept going
xxx: i don't remember what happened?
Spelangel: i got u somethin, i tried telling u how i felt
xxx: the dolce?
Spelangel: naw, the poems
xxx: what did you want?!?!?....you wanted me to poetically write something back to you and then we instantly fall in love
xxx: i loved the poems, you may think i didn't
xxx: you may even think i never read them xxx: but i did
xxx: i did right then, but i couldn't get all mushy and shit
Spelangel: i didnt expect all that, but damn...u could have gotten mushy, it was me u were talking to
Spelangel: u want me to tell u how i feel, u gotta do the same
xxx: listen i'mma guy, i'm already sensitive enough as it is, i used to do all that poem stuff, but i got hurt, and it is takin time for me to get that all back
xxx: give me some break
Spelangel: u aint givin me one
Spelangel: ive been hurt too
xxx: i'm not layin all this on so thick on you
xxx: i'm not blamin you
Spelangel: cant tell
xxx: i'm just sayin that you up and quit me one day
Spelangel: no i didnt..i wenr away for a summer..and all summer i was confused
Spelangel: but i wanted a boyfriend and u wernt offering that
xxx: no i wasnt...i'm still not....not under a shotgun
Spelangel: so i got one...and then i didnt know how to tell u cause when i saw u my feeling sfor u came back
Spelangel: y should i compromise my life just to suit yours? i did that all last year
Spelangel: i couldnt go through that again
xxx: now you're blowin it out of proportion, i wasn't upset that you had a boyfriend, i just expected to hear about it...that's all i have to say about it....you can stay mad or claim that you had all these feelings for me and they were unbeknownst to me but in the end....if you want to tell somebody something....just say it, you can't live your life scared of a response
Spelangel: i already knew the response...and im not mad at you...i stopped being mad quite a while ago....i figured u had moved on, i cherished what we had still wish we can be friends but i dont know how to be friends with you without the sex.....u never call me unless u wanna cut, and im also guilty of that but damn....where the fuck are we?
xxx: we have never left the place where we started
xxx: infatuated
xxx: intimate
xxx: in over our heads
Spelangel: yeah, but damn....i still dont know what to think
xxx: stop thinkin about it then
xxx: we'll pick up where we left off when you return and see from there
Spelangel: but there is soo much...we might need to start over
Spelangel: weve only gotten so far, theres more

Aretha....

The song A Rose is Still A Rose by Aretha Franklin/Lauryn Hill is in my head this morning since i heard it on the radio as i drove to work....i think i loved this part the most....

See a rose is still a rose

Baby, girl, you’re still a flower

He can’t lead you and then take you

Make you and then break you

Darlin’, you hold the power

Let your life be in the sunshine

Not the darkness of your sorrow

You may see your all today

When you know it’ll come tomorrow

and then i was looking at some more Aretha lyrics and i ran across this....A Deeper Love...

People let me tell you

I work hard every day

I get up out of bed,

I put on my clothes'

Cause I've got bills to pay

Now it ain't easy

but I don't need no help

I've got a strong will to survive

I've got a deeper love, deeper love

Deeper love inside

and I call it

Pride (a deeper love)

Pride - a deeper love

(Pride) a deeper love

Woah woah woah woah

It's the (pride) power that gives you

The (pride) strength to survive(Pride - a deeper love)

(Woah woah woah woah)

aretha is talking to me today...think im just going to it back and listen....im sure she knows what she is talkin about....

Tease Me w/ Your Words...

why do i like phone sex so much? i mean i think im out of control with it...i guess i just like to hear someone else get just as riled up as i am....plus i have a high ass sex drive...and latley ive only been getting it like once a week...imma have to tell him he needs to cut back his work hours...im sure i could easily go find another guy to be my "dick in a glass" but i just dont want that drama in my life plus i am soo emotionally attached to dude that i dont want to have sex with anyone else...i dont count phone sex as sex with another guy...its masturbation at its finest.....i sound slightly trif...ah well...it feels good...what can i say....nadadamnthang....

and its not like i do it ALL the time...i mean sure I do ME all the time but i dont always do it on the phone...im thinking about investing in some toys but my fingers are just so easy to work with...and i can suck em off, roll over on my tummy and then go to sleep...with a toy u gotta get up and wash it....thats a lot of getting up and doing stuff...i like to marinate after i cum....

ive talked to a few folks about the author zane...some dont like her, some do...i guess i like her since i own about 7 of her books...and i used to visit her website, she needs to get that up and running again i miss reading all those erotic stories...i must admit though, i dont actually read zane for a story line...i read the book once..and then i go back and read the sex scenes, at my leisure...they get my imagination going....then i make a phone call...sometimes i have a little casual talk, a little sexual banter..sometime i let them know that im horny and i want to cum...

what i like most is the sexual banter...i like going back and forth stimulating my mind with images...sometimes i think of things i want to do in real life...some things that i havent done, somethings that i really enjoy doing....the guy in my life is lucky i guess cause he gets to be the one to act out these fantasies of mine....i enjoy seducing and being seduced at the same time...its interesting...

i like to tease...i like to use words...im a word lover...i like to make myself think of different ways to tell someone what i want....i like to talk shit sometimes....but i think more than anything i just have an overactive imagination.....i need to write some of these images down...it might make for a good read....

Changes A'Coming....

so my online journal where i used to get kinda personal has been ,locked...meaning i can look at what the hell i wrote but i cant write anything else, that sucks....instead now they are offering a blog spot...well i got this one...but i went ahead and signed up for that anyway just in case the mood hits me....
i guess this means this blog might get a little bit more personal...i was trying to keep it light, but why...i aint got that much business might as well share what i got...now i doubt im going to be coming up with any great or new found philosophies...im just gonna vent or not....just write whatever comes to mind...i think ive been trying to hard on this blog thing, imma just relax and let it flow...
now i dont plan on reminicing too much about my "wild days" or what i like to call the"Atlanta Chapters of my Life" but i will leave a index of sorts about the Atlanta Chapters at the bottom...if you r intrigued about a chapter let me know...

so i met my girl Marci at Starbucks last night to catch up on each others lives, it was fun i hadnt chilled like that in a while...while we were tlaking her husband and 2 daughters joined us, her kids are 4 and 5 and toooooo cute for words...they r both going to be heart brekers..the girls had a good time pooring sugar in the hot chocolates....lol...

when i got home i called my girl Tashe who i hadnt talked to in at least a year...get this, she googled me, found a few of my articles went to my work website and emailed me...that was cool, she left me her phone number so i hollered at her latst night...and the first words out of her mouth were..."where ya been bitch"...lol...that my dawg, she is a litle loony at times but she is smart as hell...this is the girl i can really get grimy with, she knows about so many of my man escapades...i mean DE -TAILS...cause we used to go back and forth offering new suggestions to try with our male companions....anyway we caught up finally and vowed not to go that long without speaking again...thats my homie...

so then dude came over and we chilled, hung out...ya know....caught up about our weeks over some tea and the peach cobbler i made him....his bday is saturday so i prsented him with his first present...a nice kenneth cole tie..i told him i was getting him one present he said he needed (the tie) and one present just because...which i will pick up saturday...i probably wont see him til sunday cause he has to go home sat and then has to work all day sun...before he left i snipped him a flower, gave him a kiss then sent him on his way home...

now here is whats interesting, i shoulda went to sleep...i really shoulda..but i was on my way to shutting down my computer when i noticed a friend on my AIM../soooo i had to chat...ended up switching to talking on the phone...didnt get off the phone til 3:15 had to be up at 6:30.....i am sooo dead tired right now it aint funny..im one of those folks who have to get their 8 hours..usually 9 to 10 hours....but it was a VERY good convo i was having...wont divulge details now....maybe one day...

Diet Update: i cheated so bad today, my boss bought everyone chinese food for lunch, i couldnt possibly urn that down...and then when i went to starbucks i had a grande hot chocolate w/ caramel...this diet calls for no sugarno rice...and im sure no duck sauce, or sweet n sour sauce...or fortune cookies...but im going to redeem myself today..well actually so far, not good, i missed breakfast.....

THE ATLANTA CHAPTERS
Chapter 1 - Spel's Sexual Conquests....should we start with the Alpha's, Que's, football players, or the arbitrary niggas in between...
Chapter 2 - Spel's Drank List....her tolerance level and how to overdo it...
Chapter 3 - Spel's Smoking Situations's....its funny what smoking can lead too....
Chapter 4 - Spel's ATL Club Recommendations...if there was a party, i was there with my "get'em girl" heels....
Chapter 5 - Spel's Studying Habits...working in 10,15,and 20 page papers...somehow...
Chapter 6 - Spel's Sisterhood....the folks who were there with me along the way....

Just Plain Pretty...

i was looking in the mirror this morning when it occurred to me that i am pretty..i mean really pretty...not model chick pretty or video girl gorgeous (although some arent)...but just simply pretty....
i think i had forgot this...i mean just took looking in the mirror for granted...i mean i think im decent looking, not a knock out, im cute...i mean if i put some make-up on i know i can get it...but this morning just as natural as can be...i was pretty...not sexy seductress,or siren, though i can play both of those very well...but just pretty....

i remember the first time i really felt pretty..i was 17...all through out high school i wondered why i was not skinny like the white girls, i mean i ran track indoor and outdoor, i was always running...i ate healthy, much better than i do now...but my standard of beauty was twisted...i mean yeah i had a slight acne problem, and i was thick...at the time i didnt understand and i didnt love my curves....but anyway...i have always wanted looked up to my older brother he is almost two years older than me, and when i was 17 he was 19 , a sophomore at Morehouse, he had grown out of all the teen akwardness and now was full fledge FIONE..yes, i can say my bro was/is fine, my brother is a cutie..i cant recall how many of my friends wanted to get with him, and still do...i love him to death, he is my heart...but i digress, i was 17, and a senior in high school and i was shocked because i got nominated to homecoming court, i thought it was a joke, but then i realized i was fairly popular, i had a decent amount of friends, but i looked at the other girls, my competition..and i was like...i dont fit in with them they are pretty....i was talking on the phone to my bro about being on homecoming court and he was like "I always thought you were pretty".....i was shocked, me and my bro used to fight sooo much, we were not friends until he left for college....but to have my bro say that to me...meant more than anything, it didnt matter if anyone ever called me pretty again...my bro thought i was pretty, i didnt realize then how much i valued his opinion....i think i almost cried when he said it....i didnt win homecoming, some cheerleader did, but it didnt matter...

i finally left for college, and once i got down south i really discovered why God gave me these curves, i am a black woman...i had to change my way of thinking, my definition of beautiful...and i did...and now i think black women and all their curves are gorgeous, i dont want to be skinny, i want to be healthy and in shape but skinny, thats not for me, God didnt build me that way....

but back to this morning...i looked in the mirror and all of that came back to me...and i smiled... i am pretty....so i threw some vasoline on my lips and walked out the doror...oh, yeah, i put some clothes and shoes on too, its too cold to be walking round nekkid...Eve ruined that for us...

its funny how you start writing these blogs...when i sat down to write i meant to talk about how i looked in the mirror and after all that pretty stuff came flooding back to me...i saw my eyes, i mean i stared myself down...and wondered if i have my mom or my dads eyes, whose nose do i have, did my mom also have barely any eyebrows, or was that from my dad...who do i look like, who i got my face from...guess that's another blog, for another day....

Damn Diet...

Diet Update: All the cheese in this damn diet has got me CON-STI-PA-TED!!!!!!

Secrets of Joy....

"The women along the way have been warned they must not sing. Rockjawed men with machine guns stand facing them. But women will be women. Each woman standing beside the path holds a redberibboned, closely swaddled baby in her arms, and as I pass, the bottom wrappings fall...It is a protest and a celebration the men threatening them do not even recognize...
RESISTANCE IS THE SECRET OF JOY!...There is a roar as if the world cracked open and I flew inside. I am no more. And satisfied."

This is an excerpt from the novel "Possessing the Secret of Joy" by Alice Walker. This is the last scene Tashi/Evelyn sees before she is killed by the firing squad. Tashi/Evelyn had decided that she didnt want a blindfold for the execution, she looked her executioners in the eye, and then into the eyes of her family as they killed her...

this book maks so many of my emotions bubble up to the surface whenever i read it..ultimately it makes me proud to be a black woman...RESISTANCE IS THE SECRET OF JOY!.....never give up, never give in, and always remain true to yourself and your beliefs...there is only one you in this world - scream, shout, stomp - but find the secret to your joy....and dont get caught up when folks hate on you...because you are not avaerage and should never be content to be average...dont believe the labels folks want to place on you....do what you need to do to make you happy...to satisfy you....

i could go on but imma stop right there....cause i could keep rambling....

Diet update: I have lost 7 lbs., all water weight but i dont care..i've been working out and eating right and i am starting to feel healthy...today marks the start of week number two...

Book Reccomendation:Racism 101 by Nikki Giovanni

Decision Making....

i have been working at the newspaper for 9 months...according to my felllowship in three months my year long obligation to them is fulfilled, i can either stay on or decide to do something different.
i think i want to move on, not necessarily exactly when my time is up but over the next six months i think it will be time for me to venture out...
i have been wanting to go to grad school and for months i have had my heart set on getting into a publishing program..my top choices being Columbia, or Emerson in Boston...both have excellent programs..i also thought that maybe i could just get a certificate in publishing and in that case i am looking at a program in Colorado...
but lately ive started really askin myself where is my heart...and i think it is somewhere with literature...i think i am linked somehow to the Harlem Reanissance and the Black Arts Movement...so im thinking maybe i should go to school for African American Literature...so i havent done as much research on programs but i have been looking into Indiana University (in which case i wouldnt have to move because its right down the street) they have an African American Studies/Comparative Lit. program..I am also slightly looking at Clark Atlanta, which would put me right back in the middle of my old stomping grounds...but i dont know if i want to be back there again, i mean i graduated and left the atlanta university center for a reason and it was not to turn around and go back...
both of these programs would fulfill my need to read and write they would also put me on a totally different career track then i am now, which isnt a problem...ive also been considering my future money...i could make a whole lot more in the publishing industry and i cannot understand what i could do with a a lit degree besides become a professor, which isnt a problem but i was saving the professor thing for another future endeavor...
another thing is although i really enjoy NY im not sure i want to live there..although it would be a great experience plus my best friend would be close to me again...and if i go to atlanta my other best friend would be there...
i have to really get into myself and figure this stuff out especially since i have given myself a six month deadline...if i go to IU im sure i could work part time for the sister paper of the one i am working for now, which is good since it would actually be closer to where i live....
i just thought about something..my lease is up at the end of April...damn...that means if i have less that six months to decide if im going to stay here or not...damn...
i have been considering moving to another location in bloomington, maybe ill just get a six month lease...
oh, and there is one other reason that make me want to stay...C.D.F. he has become a central part of my life and we have also been making plans...and i know he would support anything i wanna do, but i kinda want to sick around and see what happenes with us....im not afraid to leave though...ive gone through plenty of men in my 23 years and ive never had a probelm picking up and moving on..but this is not just any man this man has become one of my best friends...of course my ex was also a close friend to me, i thought he was my soulmate, and i packed up and moved to tennessee...but its all about pursuing my dreams...and this is the time in my life that i can get away with being selfish....ive never let anything get in my way before...even love...i just dont know...
i have a lot of decisions to make and a very short time...i wish i could stay where i am but ive never been good at staying still and i cant stay at this newspaper...ive learned that reporting isnt my passion and i cannot stand worrying about bills..cause they really cant afford to pay me....
my girl A.C.T. and i have always been on an adventure to find our passions and to keep fighting through everything we have to until we find them and we plan on nurturing them and not letting them go once they are in front of us....i found my passion a long time ago..took a while to realize thats what it was...my passions are reading and writing...without those two things i am nothing....now how do i take those passions and make them work for me....i think im halfway there....just a little more stretching and growing...and a few more decisions to make....

My eyes are green....

...cause i eat a lot of vegatables....

literally, yes i am eating so many veggies...i started the south beach diet on sunday...i have never stuck to a diet before, but there is always a first time, right?....i cant eat any fruit, bread, pasta, etc, for the first two weeks...basically everything i love...no potatoes, no sugar, low-fat everything....i actually thought it was going to be harder than it is, but then again im only on day three....i swear i have never ate so many veggies and ive never eaten so much cheese and eggs..i swear evey time i eat they got me eating a tomato or spinach or some kinda cheese....i dont even eat cheese like that but here i am chowing down....did i mention the plan calls for eating 6 times a day....i never eat six times a day, three if im lucky...

i am now waking up 15-30 min early to cook breakfast..i already have to be at work at 7:30 in the morning and now i am waking up ealier, wow...im kinda proud of myself for that though because now i dont feel as rushed to get dressed and start my 30 min commute to work...oh, did i mention no espresso..i have gone three days without a single sip of a starbucks grande cafe mocha, so i guess the plan is saving me from spending $3.71 every morning on a drink thats gone in 10 minutes...

but anyway, now i might actually take the time to put on a little make up before i go to work...or maybe not, i've never been pressed to throw on anything more than some vaseline on my lips and maybe a spray of perfume or body mist...im just real low maintenance, although i have been known to walk up into work with my "go get'em" heels on...of course, all my heels are "go get'em", and i get whomever whenever i step into them (ya like my confidence right??)...but on those other days it jeans and a decent sweater....or jeans and a wifebeater (a decided the color by my mood) with those chinese slippers (which i dont care what anyone says, aint goin out of style) when the weather warms up...

but i digress...i am on a diet....i cant believe it, but it has motivated me to get a more aggressive work out on..yesterday i hit the step machine up, that thing wore me out, i followed up with a few laps around the indoor track and then some light lifting to tone.....

my goal is to look good for miami, me and a couple of my girls are hoping to hit miami beach in march, what better way to motivate myself to look good in south beach by hitting up the south beach diet...naw, thats not really why i did it..but it sounds good....anyways, ive been scoping out vicki's online catalog trying to decide between a couple swimsuits...so basically all this dieting it for a swim suit...well, originally, i have started to really enjoy the process of eaitng and living a healthier life...of course i say this now only three days into it....ill let u know whats really going on in about a week...

that is all for now, gotta go grab my mid-morning snack...i get to pick between string chese or 20 (yes, u r posed to count them) peanuts.....and another round of green tea or water.....wish me luck...

Something to Ponder...

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did."
-T.E. Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia


maybe ill come back and elaborate on this...maybe i wont.....

What is a ho?...

i was visiting my fav message board as i do daily and i noticed the use of the word "ho" numerous times. now i've noticed it many times before and i never really agreed with half the statements made surrounding the word. i think it is used way to liberally. but today it is bothering me to the point where i need to flesh my feelings out about it....

so many "brothers" on the site are quick to call a woman a ho..if a woman sleeps with any given man within any given time period that they deem to close together she is a ho, shit if she sleeps with any man at all thats not them she is deemed a ho...it makes me wonder what their definition of ho is...i thought a ho was the slang term for whore which is a woman being pimped/prostituted...someone please correct me if my definition is wrong...i understand that the world has evolved and things have changed but does that make the broad use of the word ho right?
now ive also noticed quite a few men talking about their latest and greatst conquest...mention two, three and sometimes four women that they have slept with yet the word ho is nowhere to be seen, in fact no comment is made...i know this is an age old debate whether a man can really be a ho, or whther he is just "sowing his wild oats" but damn, dont woman need to sow some oats too?
and then i look at the men who say this...big ass ego's...big ass ego's...big ass ego's....since i dont personally know these men i cant really bash them, and i dont want to but i just wonder why the negativity...and the contridictions....one minute we are their lack queens, then their little heart get stepped on or ego gets crushed or they get rejected...and alla sudden we are just ho's....

i dont think that a number can represent anybody..and yet some men in the world believe that it does...the number of men slept with or lack of represents the quality of a woman..i just find that so unfuckingbelieveable and so unfair....
i also see women buy into this...alla sudden they dont believe they are worthy of a man's attention because they have slept with more than 2 or 3 folks...so alla sudden they start calling themselves ho's...how can u live life to the fullest when u r basing your self worth on someone elses perception of u? especially someone who doesnt respect women? and especially someone who may not repsect themselves?

and im not innocent, never claimed to be...but i have rewired myself in the past few years...instead of nodding my head in agreement i now ask questions, beause why should i nod my head when i dont understand, that makes me look like i dont have my own mind...questions make people feel stoopid when they're "opinions" are based on the opinions of someone else, someone who they are probably afraid to disagree with...and why would u be scared of someone who hasnt thought out their own situation properly?

people need to watch their words cause words are powerful and once uttered can not be taken back....people need to start rethinking their definitions and also need to question themselves and others...people need to form their own opinions instead of going with the popular crowd...people need to start standing up an respecting themselves, their bodies and their minds...and people need to start loving themselves so that they can love others....

so to help you start making your own definitions: what is a ho? and who are you?

Pieces of a Colored Girl...

For Colored Girls who have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enough by Ntozake Shange......leaves me speechless everytime i read it...wheneveri am feeling sad or depressed or need to rhow a pity party, or am feeling good or want some sort of affirmation i read this book along with a couple others: When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost by Joan Morgan and any book or poetry or essays by Nikki Giovanni, just recently i have added In Search of My Mother's Garden by Alice Walker....these books just make me so proud to be a black woman, they inspire me and they console me...and one day i hope to be able to write words for others that touch them sooo deeply, like these women touch me.....but back to For Colored Girls...i decided to write out pieces of the choreopoem, the parts that really speak to me and i thought id share them...because like Erykah Badu said..."since knowledge is infinite, it has infinitely fell on me..."


"...somebody/anybody/sing a black gils song/bring her out/to know herself/to know you/but sing her rhythms/carin/struggle/hard times/sing her song of life/she's been dead so long/closed in silence so long/she doesnt know the sound/of her own voice/her infinite beauty/she's half notes scattered/without rhythm/no tune/sing her sighs/sing the song of her possibilities/sing a righteous gospel/let her be born/let her be born/and handled warmly."

"...but you are of no assistance/i want you to know/this waz an experiment/to see how selfish i cd be/if i wd really carry on to snare a a possible lover/if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another/if i cd stand not being wanted/when i wanted to be wanted/& i cannot/
so/with no further assistance & no guidance from you/i am endin this affair/this not is attached to a plant/i've been waterin since the day i met you/you may water it/ya damn self"

"...she waz hot/a deliberate coquette/who never did without/what she wanted/& she wanted to be unforgettable/she wanted to be a memory/a wound to every man/arragant enough to want her...& when she finished writin/the account of her exploits in a diary/embroidered with lillies & moonstones/she placed the rose behind her ear/& cried herself to sleep."

"...so this is a requium for myself/cuz i have died in a real way/not wid aqua coffins & du-wop cadillacs/i used to joke abt when i waz messi round/but a real dead lovin is here for you now/cuz i dont know anymore/how to avoid my own face wet with tars/cuz i had convinced myself colored girls had no right to sorrow/& i lived & loved that way &kept sorrow on the curb/allegedly for you/but i know i did it for myself/i cdnt stand it/ i cdnt stand bein sorry & colored at the same time/ it's so redundant in the modern world."

"...and you YOU/came sayin im the niggah/i am the baddest muthafuckah out there/ and i said yes/this is who i am waitin for/& to come with you/ i hadta bring everthin/the dance & the terror/the dead musicians & the hope/& those scars i had hidden wit smiles and good fuckin lay open/& i dont know i dont know anymore tricks/ i am really colored & really sad sometimes & you hurt me/more than i ever dance outta/into oblivion isnt far enuf to get outta this..."

okay, i cannot give away alla this book, i performed the play when i was in college so i think i have momorized the whole thing....its just an unbelieveable collective story of the experiences of black women good and bad, a journey.....


ill leave you with one more.....

"i found god in myself/& i loved her/ i loved her fiercely."