The Conversation.....

so i am pissed the hell off case i at this typed exactly the way i wanted it and then i go to "publish" it and i get that "cannot find server screen" so i quickly click on the back button and i have a blank scfreen staring at me...pissed....
so i was on my other blog spot and i cut and pasted this AIM convo from about three years ago between me and my "cut buddy"...well lets just say the cut thing didnt work out between us because we both got emotionally attached, me moreso than him...but i cut and pasted this convo into my email after it went down...i guess to remind myself not to get in over my head again and the consequenses of not using my voice and telling someone what i want and how i feel..."xxx" name is sean...and he was a charming asshole...and i liked charming assholes...he was a renaiassnce type guy...a poet, musican, singer, composer..and a dual degree physics major...we was smart as hell and soooo pretty...we had this louisana accent and this creole complexion with these piercing green eyes...not exactly the type of guy i went for but i couldnt stop myself from being intrigued by him...we met in one of my English classes, he was auditing...and when he showed up had always had the girls fluttering...but i was trying so hard not so act impressed...i didnt like being intrigued by him cause all these girls were just falling over his every word...but he approached me quietly and we started "hanging out" and we would see each other in class and it was like we had this secret...i was way in over my head and i didnt even see it coming...i was consumed by his charm and by lust....but i understood him, my renaissance man, there were times when he let his guard down and we had some very emotional convos..he was becoming a friend....but we just couldnt get it together...we were both trying to be too hard, too proud, to player-like....soon after this convo our relationship died...but i learned alot about lust, infatuation and pain...and i will always remember him for that....but now thats all he is, just a memory...a growing pain....

xxx: miss me?
Spelangel: do u miss me is the question
xxx: why would that be the question
Spelangel: cause i said so
Spelangel: im waiting...
xxx: ........you're so childish
Spelangel: u arent gonna answer?
Spelangel: damn, thats mean
xxx: .......the guilt card
xxx: i asked u first, and you can't even say something
Spelangel: whose feeling guilty?
xxx: aren't i the one who initiated this conversation
xxx: aren't i the one asking for the math
Spelangel: and...u wanted to cut
xxx: aren't i the one asking to cut
Spelangel: that dosent mean u miss me
Spelangel: thats mean u want some ass
xxx: .....i have yet to hear any questions from you and i'm sure i've asked at least 4
Spelangel: what would u like me to ask?
xxx: inquries into your personal and sexual life....you just must not care about mine
xxx: the fact that you haven't asked anything says enough for me
Spelangel: y u actin all sensitive
xxx: ....it's ok...i'll be alright
xxx: oh now you care
xxx: i see
Spelangel: xxx i know u are cuttin
xxx: ....i cut nuttin
Spelangel: im not worried about that
Spelangel: please
xxx: i'm still waiting
Spelangel: u want to know if i miss u?
xxx: for you to come home to me
xxx: i would like to know if you do or don't
Spelangel: u dont even call me when i am home so what am i supposed to think?
Spelangel: y do u act like u give a fuck now?
xxx: u have no idea what i've been going through do you
xxx: .....that's why it seems as though all of the sudden.."i give a fuck'
xxx: i can't remember when i stopped
Spelangel: and u dont know shit about my life eitherright now...
xxx: ....oh yeah...that's right when u up and got a boyfriend and didn't tell me
Spelangel: ive been through some shit, u aint the only one with problems
Spelangel: dont start that shit cause i did tell u
Spelangel: and u acted like an idiot
xxx: yeah yeah yeah
xxx: stopped gettin ur panties in a bunch...
xxx: if you have any on
Spelangel: u the one gettin all funky..and i dont
Spelangel: trippin over shit
xxx: lol ;-)
Spelangel: im not in a happy mood right now..u pissed me off
xxx: awww.....u gotta issue....here's a tissue ;-)
Spelangel: FUCK U....i see u dont really givva fuck about me
xxx: u can't be serious
Spelangel: i accepted that a while ago but
xxx: fuck u then
Spelangel: dont acy like im that important to u
xxx: u are
Spelangel: cause when i tols u how i felt u tripped on me
Spelangel: i told u everything and u gave me nithing
xxx: u are important, we haven't kicked it, and now you're holdin it against me
Spelangel: im not holding that against u..but u never gave me anything to let me know if i meant anything to u
Spelangel: i could care less about kickin it
xxx: i don't have time for this emotional rollercoaster you're tryin to put me on, if you had feelings for me, you kept them bottled up inside of you so you wouldn't get hurt, just like i did, i would have never kicked it with you as much as i did if i didn't give a shit about you and as far as your personal life is going, i wasn't upset that you got a boyfriend but we said a long time ago that if either one of us got one we would tell each other, i never said anything, but you NEVER told me that you were you just stopped calling and if your feelings were half of what you say they were then you would have given me the benefit of the doubt and said something to beforehand or at least asked to see what i felt about it.....but you didn't, you just up and started fuckin wit a high maintenance ass nigga that treated you like shit and then spited me when I wasn't thrilled with it
Spelangel: but instead of telling me u just tried to fuck, like that was gonna makie it better, i had some major feeling for u but u told me more than a couple times that u like dhow it was, so iwasnt gonna mess that up...and u trippin over ****, that nigga did come correct and let me know how he felt and yeah he didnt treat me great but u wernt the greatest either...i mean, i heard u had someone else anyway...
Spelangel: i tried xxx, i really did...and there are so many things abouu th i still find great but i wasnt gonna waste time with someone who didnt want me
xxx: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD TWURK IT TO TELL RALPH THAT I WAS GETTIN TO ATTACHED?!??
xxx: fuck that excuse
Spelangel: i never saifd that bullshit.....and how u gonna start using twerk it as someone to listen to
Spelangel: y would i say some shit like that about someone i wantede to pay attention to me? xxx: cuz she is your girl, and she told ralph and ralph told me.....he said....damn xxx she say you tryin to take her to meet your friends and shit....and ya'll suppose to be just fuckin....and WHEN!!! when did i ever do anything to hurt you intentionally
xxx: i can't believe you....you never once made mention that you wanted any more than what we had....and that's the truth....you may have had the best intentions, but we know what they say about good intentions
Spelangel: shes my gurl but i dont tell her shit about guys unless its sex...i was willing to take anything u gave me..i was feeling u that hard...but i cant tell u all of my feelings when i know u are still chillin with other girls, i refuse to play the fool...
Spelangel: and u didnt either xxx u never told me shit see how am i supposed to feel?
xxx: cuz if you feel something, u put it out on the table, i made it wayyy too easy to talk to me about anything, there should have been nothin you couldn't say to me.....am i hard person to talk to ...HELL NO....so why would you hold back, cuz you didn't know how I felt....well that's a pretty poor excuse....listen you treated me great, you were always cool, and i loved bein around you whether we were watchin movies or makin love, why would I have wanted it any different
Spelangel: i made it too easy for u..no i couldnt talk to you about my feelings...ive been hurt too many times, i cant d othat again, and when i finally did tell you, i didnt get anything back but "break upwith your boyfriend"....xxx if u had felt something would u have told me?
Spelangel: u loved what we had cause i was the perfect little pet, always there when u needed me and out of sight when u didnt
xxx: i didn't need a girlfriend
xxx: you were perfect....and don't tell me you didn't like it like that
Spelangel: exactly
Spelangel: but i wanted u
xxx: no u didn't
Spelangel: as a boyfriend
Spelangel: yes, i did
Spelangel: and knowing that u didnt want me, i wasnt gonna tell u
xxx: i couldn't deal with a girlfriend....but tell me...if that's what you wanted....what would have been different?!
Spelangel: it would have been different
Spelangel: cause i expect more out of a boyfriend..and i knew u didnt want that
xxx: like what?
Spelangel: for u to be there
Spelangel: your time
Spelangel: not just at 2 in the morning or a weekend
Spelangel: i want someone to ho
xxx: we were more than that...stop pretending
Spelangel: hold my hand
xxx: i did hold u....u must have forgotten
Spelangel: yes, we were alot more...but i never knew u knew that
Spelangel: yes, and i loved it
xxx: what the fuck...did you think i was doing that to everyone
Spelangel: but thats not the same
Spelangel: i know u wernt
Spelangel: but a nigga needs a litle reasurance sometimes
Spelangel: and then valentines day..i was pissed but i didnt have a right to b
Spelangel: so i swallowed that shit up and kept going
xxx: i don't remember what happened?
Spelangel: i got u somethin, i tried telling u how i felt
xxx: the dolce?
Spelangel: naw, the poems
xxx: what did you want?!?!?....you wanted me to poetically write something back to you and then we instantly fall in love
xxx: i loved the poems, you may think i didn't
xxx: you may even think i never read them xxx: but i did
xxx: i did right then, but i couldn't get all mushy and shit
Spelangel: i didnt expect all that, but damn...u could have gotten mushy, it was me u were talking to
Spelangel: u want me to tell u how i feel, u gotta do the same
xxx: listen i'mma guy, i'm already sensitive enough as it is, i used to do all that poem stuff, but i got hurt, and it is takin time for me to get that all back
xxx: give me some break
Spelangel: u aint givin me one
Spelangel: ive been hurt too
xxx: i'm not layin all this on so thick on you
xxx: i'm not blamin you
Spelangel: cant tell
xxx: i'm just sayin that you up and quit me one day
Spelangel: no i didnt..i wenr away for a summer..and all summer i was confused
Spelangel: but i wanted a boyfriend and u wernt offering that
xxx: no i wasnt...i'm still not....not under a shotgun
Spelangel: so i got one...and then i didnt know how to tell u cause when i saw u my feeling sfor u came back
Spelangel: y should i compromise my life just to suit yours? i did that all last year
Spelangel: i couldnt go through that again
xxx: now you're blowin it out of proportion, i wasn't upset that you had a boyfriend, i just expected to hear about it...that's all i have to say about it....you can stay mad or claim that you had all these feelings for me and they were unbeknownst to me but in the end....if you want to tell somebody something....just say it, you can't live your life scared of a response
Spelangel: i already knew the response...and im not mad at you...i stopped being mad quite a while ago....i figured u had moved on, i cherished what we had still wish we can be friends but i dont know how to be friends with you without the sex.....u never call me unless u wanna cut, and im also guilty of that but damn....where the fuck are we?
xxx: we have never left the place where we started
xxx: infatuated
xxx: intimate
xxx: in over our heads
Spelangel: yeah, but damn....i still dont know what to think
xxx: stop thinkin about it then
xxx: we'll pick up where we left off when you return and see from there
Spelangel: but there is soo much...we might need to start over
Spelangel: weve only gotten so far, theres more