i know what i got now!

hey Dr. Lyre, i took you and my mama's advice and went to the doctors on Saturday...guess what?!! Toncillitis!! I have been sucking down antibiotics 2wice a day and taking medicine for pain and swelling...i have been misarable...i cant keep too much food down so ive been living on crackers and those little chicken soup at hand by campbells..i tried yogurt...umm noo, body did not like that..i even tried a steak...too ambitious...body said hell no to that too...last night my body let me keep down a couple deviled aggs, surprisingly...

its been me and lily on the couch, sleeping...ive also been getting these hot flashes, my whole body starts sweating...i guess that the infection doing that too me...it sucks...trying to sleep at night is horrible, the doctor gave me some vicodin but that stuff makes me soo grogging, it knocked me out for half a day almost...

Merry Christmas everyone! lol i actually made it to work today..i came in early so i can leave early...i dont even feel bad that im missing the holiday feast my co-workers are preparing...even the smell of some foods makes my tummy do flip flops...ive been at working wishing that when i get home my sweetie will be sitting on the couch waiting to cater to my every need...lol...

well, i better get back at it...right now im freezing, im pretty sur ethat five minutes from now it will be the opposite...yall take care, hug your families! have a blessed Christmas...ill be back when i through taking these antibiotics...

it got me!

hey yall Happy Holidays!

Im sick!...i thought i had it licked a couple weeks ago...
my throat started feeling a little soar so i started drinking 2 packages of Emergen-C a day, some Zicam and taking TheraFlu at night...i felt better after a couple days so i thought i was all good...

well yesterday the soar throat hit me again...along with a massive sinus headache and some congestion...i left work a little early, went home drank some TheraFlu and passed out...woke up at 7 this morning and took two tylenol and went back to sleep woke up at 11 and took more Tylenol...got to work..more tylenol...

i barely have an appetite...im only eating when i need to take some drugs...well, maybe i can lose the 10 ponds ive been dying to get rid of, lol

my sweetie is gone for the holidays so i dont have anyone to take care of me...i do love that my little lily senses something is wrong and is licking me raw, lol
i love her but she needs to gimme 50 feet...

the hot showers i am taking feel sooo good...i HATE swallowing right now, it takes effort and hurts like hell...im going to the store after work and grabbing some 'tussin and some OJ...i have some mucus sitting in my throat, it wont go anywhere...and i cant seem to cough it up..thats pissing me off...cause i keep having to swallow...

i shoulda called in today but im a dedicated employee...wish i wasnt so damn loyal, lol

my headache is coming back..but...well..im not hungry...issues i know...these are the times i really wish i was closer to my mama so i could just drive home and have her take care of me...

i know its bad when i didnt even finish my cup of coffee this morning...and i am FREEZING...i have had the chills all day...i swear i cant put on enough clothing...

hopefully this will be done with by next week...the sooner the better...i am such a baby when it comes to being sick...my weekend is almost here...i cant wait..so i can lay on my couch and sleep all day...

hope everyone is well and taking care of themselves...kisses and blessings!

this christmas..was a great movie

is it me or are the holidays not what they used to be?

going christmas shopping and trying to pick out the perfect gift for each person in your life....hiding them when u get home then waiting until night time to wrap them up and stick them under the christmas tree...the tree you helped decorate with ornaments, some from second grade that you made for your mother...baking cookies and watching the christmas movie that TBS ran repeatedly the week before christmas...opening presnts on christmas day, meeting up for chrsitmas dinner with all the family that flew, drove or took trains to get to the house...bringing your tupperware to stock up on food for the next week cause your mother didnt cook (or was that just mine?)

i remember my brother sleeping on my bedroom floor every christmas eve until he was like 19...we would joke around and have some good talks...

i remember being in charge of making the cornbread and opening the cranberry sause for dinner...

one year we did karaoke...my bro and i won...we got money...

the house hold would split once everyone arrived to my aunts house...men/boys downstairs watching the game or playing video games...all the women upstairs putting the finishing touches on dinner, gossiping, offering advice...

i remember my mama buying the chcoclate Tims i wanted...she made me carry the bag home..wrap the boots...fill out a card saying they were from "santa" and then made me put them under the tree until christmas day...

and now...

all the cousins are spread out...aunts and undles have passed away...in the last four years i have been home for the holidays maybe twice...and never stayed more than 3 days...work calls and begs me back...

i was trying to figure out what to get folks for chrsitmas..and all i could come up with was getting everyone gift cards...

am i getting a tree? they are kind of expensive...

and im not TOO sad, i have the memories...i still have my family...and while i wont get to give and receive hugs from everyone...i will call my mamas cell phone and speak to everyone she is near...

my "family" out here..which consists of co-workers and my boyfriend will get together...someone will cook and we will eat, drink and play cards...we will hug and hang out...its not the same as years past...but it will still feel good because i am with people i love...and thinking about people i love

ill miss my aunt's sweet potato pie...and the dressing....mmmm damn...

no, the holidays are not what they used to be...and wont be for a long while...and even when i have my own husband and children (not beofre 30) it wont be what i used to have...but growing is good...i am seeing now that as long as i cherish the memories and keep love in my heart the holidays will always be special...

catchin up...

life has been flowing for me lately...one day at a time right?
my marine...i mean ex-marine...yes, my man is officially out of the service...with a honorble discharge, lol, i was joking that i wouldnt believe until i saw the papers...so, he showed me the papers, lol...
he decided he wanted to stay here and hang with me for a coupleweeks...hopefully a few weeks before heading back home...well he brought all his stuff in...i didnt realize he had so much stuff...he has more clothes than i do...he hung all his uniforms up in the closet...i want him to put them all on for me so i can take pictures...but he refuses...women love men in uniform right?

its been a week so far and it has been so fun..he has me up every morning running...well jogging...well trying not to fallout..lol...im sore but it feels good and we are doing it together so that makes it more enjoyable...i have been cooking my butt off...so that just voids anything i was trying to accomplish by running..but its fun to have someone to cook for...and he can eat...

omg, he can drink too...ummmm do all men drink that much? he went through a gallon of lemonade in 2 days...even the milk is gone...im down to water...i think im going to have to start buying kool-aid again...just thirsty!

aww, i wish i could post some pics of him and Lily, they are soo cute together...they just cuddle up on the couch and sleep...

my big bro is coming to visit tomorrow from Michigan and he is staying until saturday...i cant wait to see him...he got me, him, my man and my homegirl marie tickets to the lakers/pistons game on friday...we are all going to go hang out in LA for the day and then go to the game...im soo excited...i have to clean the room where he will be staying when i get off work...he is such a fun guy..i hope the guys get along...they are pretty different..but im not too worried my brother can get along with anybody...he is a charmer...did i mention he is single...ill have to post a pic...can u tell i adore the hell out of my brother?

but really thats all thats going on ...its pretty tame over here..just playing house for awhile...work is good...i do love what i do..and i think im pretty damn good at it...but i am getting the itch to try something new...dunno...

i am trying not to be worried about one of my friendships...but i feel like we are growing further apart...we dont talk, we barely text...i feel bad cause im not missing her like i thought i would...i think im slightly in mourning over the relationship...its like i knew her good sides and her faults and right now her faults are glaring at me real hard...and i dont like the feeling..i dont want to be like this..i want to have a great relationship with her like we had in the beginning...but now i know too much about her...read her too well...understand her more than she thinks i do...i see her potenetial for greatness...but she doesnt...and yes, that disappoints me to a certain extent...but i learned a long time ago not to live on what I see in someone but focus in on when they are showing me by their actions...and the actions havent been too kosher...so i dont know, i will continue to pray for her...whether i am in her life or not...i guess thats the best i can do...


how yall doin? how is life? whats good, new, exciting, different?

the new botox

i swear forget botox for those frown lines and face creases....all you have to do is go get some cornrows slapped in your head...i have never looked up so much in my life...in fact as i type this my head keeps bobbing...

and it all started with a man...isnt it always like that? last weekend my marine told me i would look cute with a head full of braids...and i agreed with him...HA!...only prolem, im not willing to sit in a chair for 8-12 hours and have my hair braided...so of course by monday i had scratched the idea and was already thinking about what store i should i go to to pick up a relaxer...on tuesday my girl rolls into work with some real cute cornrolls...now i live in a place where there are not a lot of black folks, ergo, not a lot of black businesses, meaning, no beauty shops catering to black women, therefore... i HAD to know where she got her braids...and she told of this spot that opened up near the Target store i just about live at...

so of course...i dream of cornrolls that night and how my marine would like them...not micros like he was thinking about...but dammit its a compromise...

so wednesday i went up to the shop and made and appointment and thursday morning i was sitting in a chair while the stylist threw a bag and a half of yakky 1B in my head...

and now thursday night...im sitting at work ready to get home and throw a hot towel over my head and loosen these suckers up...

the things we do for love huh...lol...he better throw compliments at me all weekend for the pain i am going through right now...lol

i took saturday off so it our first full weekend together without me having to work in a long time...so it feels kinda special to us...we are actually making plans to do something other than eat, watch movies and lay up on the couch...which i dont mind but its nice to have something special to look forward too...

i have this killer baby blue dress i bought MONTHS ago and i told him i wasnt going to wear it until i had somewhere special to go...so i get to pull it out this weekend..i hope it still fits...lol..all that eatin and layin up on the couch cant be good...

other than that life is good...my little one, Lily, is getting bigger...and badder...no home training, yeah its my fault...

i am addicted to goodreads.com...so many books, so little time...

i need to drink more water...i was doing good for awhile so i haev to get back into it...along with the gym..i went once this week..not good enough...at least now that i got these braids i dont have to worry about what to do with my hair after the gym...so i have to get back in there and work myself out...i have loaded up my mp3 player, i have enough gym clothes, so i should have no excuses...

i need a little motivation...let me go find some...hold on....

ok, im going to pretend they are my personal trainers and are waiting at the gym for me....im motivated, are you?

lions, tigers and bears..oh my

sooo...last night was a fun night...im telling you i have a great group of friends/co-workers out here in the desert...they are like the brothers and sisters my mama woulda never had the patience to raise...its a nice mix of cultures and ages and personalities...everyone is odd (including myself)...but we all mesh well...

my boy richy is moving and yesterday was his last day at work...so we had to send him out properly...a group of us met up at our fav bar and had a drink and then headed striaght for the strip club where me and my girl marie bought richy a 25 dollar lap dance...in my mind i was thinking she better grind on him all night and have his babies for 25 dollars...but since it was one of his last adventures in the desert i just passed the money over without a peep...she didnt get a tip though...do you tip for a lap dance? what is 18%?

anyway..i was looking cute...lol...i shoulda took a pic... i wore my fav sweater to work with a beater under it and my fav skinny jeans and my chocolate brown knee high boots...before i left work i ran in the bathroom and took off the beater then in the car on the way to the bar i took my jeans off and pulled the sweater down...skillz! i now had on a sweater dress with my bomb ass boots and was ready to shake my ass...or watch some ass shake...well actually at the strip club we went to i watched bones rub together cause those chicks had no ass...except for the last chick of the night, mercedes...i think she mesmerized our whole group...she got lots of dollar bills...

after that we caravaned to my apartment for a night cap...marie made grilled cheese sandwiches, i made scrambled eggs and warmed up some baked spaghetti...basically food to settle stomachs and sober up minds...

i woke up this morning and my place was a hot mess...soo i popped some tylenol, made some coffee and made sure my place was spotless before leaving for work...

i cant stand clutter...when things are out of order i feel stifled...i have just given into the fact that i need neatness and order and a schedule of sorts...organization keeps me from going crazy...even when im being lazy its almost a calculated lazy..a well thought out laziness?...while i am go with the flow in most cases my internal clock is very precise...

i like how i am though...as i should huh? if i dont, who will? by organizing my life and keeping clutter at bay, my mind stays clear and i am able to focus...i am able to reach out to others because i am not worried about the little things that could distract me and pull my attention away...this is possibly why i am a decent listener...well that and the fact it takes me awhile to analyze things...therefore i am not one to rush into things or advice...im not the fast answer person...im not the one to go to for a quick fix...i suppose that good...although it also has its set backs...

ok, that was fun..i just sat here and analyzed myself...well thats needed at times...still funny how i went from the strip club to keeping my mind at ease...maybe thats why so many folks frequent strip clubs...to ease their minds...step away from lifes realities...letting the mind wonder along with the eyes...

back to square one...

its been awhile...
if you have stopped by you may have noticed that for the past couple of days i have been fiddling with my template..i have been trying to find something that fits me...i think right now this one does..it look so peaceful and calm..and thats how i have been feeling this week..finally...
my heart and soul have been feeling rather light...and i feel really good about that because i could defintely let the changes in my life sway me...but i dont...im feeling positive..i feel wiser..is that possible? well i dont know but i do..i feel more in touch with my emotions than i have in awhile...not afraid of them or afraid of expressing them...im open to being vulnerable again...its refreshing...
the past couple months below the surface i had been feeling angry...and i didnt like it...and the thing is i was angry over things i could not change...that i had no control over...so as much as i could control myself, i couldnt control the anger eating away at me and it was just making me feel awful..i was harboring my true feelings because i didnt want to hurt someone close to me...and i was hurting myself in the process...

so lets see...
my relationship is good...we hit the 10 month mark this month...this is the longest relationship i have ever been in...it feels good...i know its not much for most folks but a milestone for me...i actually crave him sometimes...especially during the week when we are apart..i look forward to my weekends and knowing that i get to wake up next to him, i get to make him coffee in the morning and/or breakfast..it really touches something in me and i like it...i dont get to pamper a lot so being in this relationship allows me to do that...and knowing he appreciates the things i do makes it even better...

my roomie moved out earlier this week...nothing to do with our relationship, although i defintely see that it will probably change since we are not in each others lives daily...i told her to do what she needs to do to be happy...or to try and be happy...i also told her that we have a lease and as long as i dont have to worry about her part of the rent im fine...i read the girl so well...more than she knows, i just keep quiet on a lot of stuff...probably why i was getting so angry...so i guess not having to bite my tongue has really loosened me up...part of me feels like i should be missing her..but i havent yet...im sure i will eventually...especially on those nights i come home and there is no one to talk too...
so now its just me and my little lily..she is growing so fast...she has to get spayed soon...i almost feel sad, like part of her innocence will be gone...is that crazy? i was holding her earlier today cradled in my arms like a little baby, and she started falling asleep while i patted her softly on the back..it was soo cute...she def brings out my maternal side...

so you see why im feeing peaceful...i have more time to myself, so that i can get lost in my thoughts, no distractions...i dont have to sensor myself or deal with uneeded drama...i hope i will be blogging a little bit more...like i used to ..maybe some creative stuff...

part of me feels so free...light...female..i feel sensual and happy...whole...i hope this new template reflects that....hi Lyre, Sev, JB...ive been keeping up with yall...*BIG HUGS*

congrats Nah on your beautiful bride and wedding..you deserve the all the love in the world...seeing those photos makes me wanna have a wedding..i stil got a few years though..lol...

journal entry: dumping it out

sometimes i want to tell my friends what i think their issues are...but why?...i know i cant do that especially when i have my own to worry about...plus my friends know what their issue are...id be preaching to the choir...how do you know your issues and not feel compelled to work on them? that scares me...its almost like you dont want to grow, to change...fear will keep you locked in your old habits...but who am i to judge..no one...why am i acting like i know it all? i still have so much more to learn...but i guess i just want to plant seeds...give folks something to think about...like i had to do...so many times i had to pick myself up and find my own way...learn to meditate on life, on behaviors on wants, on needs, on peace, on words...its like a transformation...you must become self-aware...i am striving for more inner peace...i have a quite a bit...i could be more patient and understanding...i do judge...i try not to...but i am also human...i know i have a way of making people scared to disappoint me and that may not be a good thing...i am not seeking perfection in people...i am seeking honesty, honesty with themselves about who they are, what they believe and for them to not be ashamed to admit the shyt they dont like about themselves...if you cant be honest with yourself, if you live a life where you are constantly lying to yourself...then who in the world should trust you?...if you dont trust you...i guess i crave openness in all aspects of my life which can sound hypocritical to some because many feel like they never really get to know me but i am open, my life my love is open...if u ask the right questions at the right time...and actually listen...i will tell, i will give, but i dont feel the need to give every single detail of my being to every single person i come across...i am too precious for that, my thoughts, my laughter, my heart is too precious for that....

im becoming a mama!

i went out to the bar after work with my girl the other day...my co-workers were all meeting up to hang out and just chill ..i mean shut down the bar...yeah, they are a rowdy bunch...

so i get there a little after midnight...and im ready to go about 30 mnutes later...i didnt even order a drink...

i was at the bar and all i could think about was getting home to her...








i plan on throwing up som birthday pics soon....and i bought a new laptop..i should get it early next week..i cant wait!

snatched of myspace...

What is your REAL name?: Shauna

What is your REAL age?: 26

Any kids?: nada

Live alone?: nope

Are you a lover or a fighter?: 100% lover

What is your favorite genre of music?: 90's r&b

Would you lie to protect someones feelings?: yes

Do you prefer to love or be loved?: how about both?

Who do you miss right now?: my marine and my girls

What is the greatest gift someone can give you?: their trust and their honesty

Are you a good friend?: i try to be

Are you happy with yourself mentally?: yeah, i may think too much sometimes though, but i can dig that

What would you change physically about yourself?: i would put a new relaxer in my head...way past due!

Are you gullable?: sometimes

Who is your bestest friend?: i have more than one

If you saw a person trip and fall, what is your first reaction?: depends on who fell

Are you seeing anybody right now?: yessss *blush*

Would you pick up a hitch-hiker?: ummm oh no...mama didnt raise no fool

When you see a homeless guy begging for money, do you give it to him?: if i have it, i dont carry cash most of the time

Do you consider yourself a good person?: i try to be

What is your flaw?: im stubborn and moody

Have you ever cheated on your mate?: the one i have now? not a chance...

Do you put others needs before your own?: sometimes, not often

What is the one thing that everybody says you are?: cool

Describe your personality with 1 word?: chill

What is your idea of a perfect date?: dinner at a resturant's patio, maybe a walk downtown after, followed by cuddling on the couch watching a movie

Do you have a criminal record?: nope

Ever been fired from a job?: nope

Would you help a friend fight even though she started it?: yes, but i cant fight so my friends know not to start nothing unless they are with more than just me

Do you hold your friends hair when she's throwing up?: of course

How would you tell someone that they had bad breathe?:oooh, id offer up a mint..but id act like i was getting one first and then just offer them one not to be rude

Would you bail your friend out of jail?: if i had the money

Are best friends really forever?: not all the time

Describe the perfect evening at home?: wine or champagne, a good book or good movie, music, my girls, food

Do you pick a fight on purpose just to have makeup sex?: naw, but he might like it if i did

If you could change the world, what would you do first?: peace

Can you swim?: nope

Do you like bugs?: nope

Do you stop and smell the flowers?: yeah, when im in the grocery store, lol

Do you pray?: YES

Do you knowingly break the law?: well, i will go around the store and eat candy..and i may sometimes hide the wrapper before i get to the counter...is that illegal?

Ever committed a felony?: nope

Do you like thunderstorms?: as long as im not alone they are fine

Do you curse?: like a sailor around my girls

What is your favorite past time?: talking

If you could be with anyone in the world, who would you choose?: myself

If you are in an altercation, do you throw the first punch?: i would let them hit first that way i could press charges

When you are sad, do you cry or hold it in?: ill cry

If your house is on fire, whats the first thing you'll grab?: my phone and wallet

Are you materialistic?: borderline

Ever been called a gold-digger?: nope

Are you a giver or a taker?: im partial to both

Have you ever made fun of someone?: ummm....yes

Can you love 2 people at the same time?: i believe so

Is making love and sex 2 different things?: i believe so...one can always lead to the other...

Do you agree with this saying.."Its better to have loved than never to have loved at all." sure

Are you a homophobic?: nope

Do your friends come to you for advice?: if they want a real answer they do

If I were to open the trunk of your car, what would I find?: nothing, its empty

If ur mom wanted to see the pics on your phone, would you let her?: ummmm...uhh...welll....some of them...lol

If you saw a stranger getting beat up, would you help?: i call the police

Your Motto: dont worry, it will get done...worrying wont get you through it any faster

ink on my skin....

did i tell yall i got a new tattoo?
its cute!
its on my lower back and its pretty classy if i do say so myself...
its a heart with a little somethin extra around it...
i would post a pic but the one i took on my phone show a little piece of my crack...and we dont need that on this blog...

ok thats all...for now....

is my name slim shady?

i must walk around with a look on my face that says, "hey stranger, please say some random comment to me" or maybe there is sometihng written on my forehead that says, "talk to me, I care about what you have to say"

If so...i need to work on walking around with a mean mug on or find some new face wash...
For example...at work I had to run to my car to grab some change cause I was thirsty...as I am walking back to the building a woman ive seen, but don’t even know her name..comes up to me and says, "look over there, there is a road runner up on that rock" now being the nice person I am I didn’t say "yeah so"...said "oooh really where," i even proceeded to shield my eyes from the sun and say, "oh wow look at that"...must have satisfied her because she said "yeah isnt it neat" and she walked away....for a moment I wondered if she pointed it out to me becaues I was black...like being black and living in the desert I wouldn’t have noticed a road runner by now...

Or how about...i love the security guard at work to death...but sometimes I find myself staring intently at my computer when he comes around so that I wont catch his eye...cause I swear if I catch his eye its over...ill be stuck in a 20 min conversation about car engines...which I know nothing about...I have an impala, as long as I can go fast,I got gas and no lights are blinking at me telling me I need to change something or check something...I don’t really give a rats ass...

Random people seem to find me in stores and ask me questions about products I don’t use...like I work for the company...I go out to dinner or drinks with the girls and alla sudden random people are trying to sit with us...
it reminds me of thanksgiving you cant wait to sit at the big peoples table...well thses folks just grab a chair and introduce themselves...sometimes thats cool...sometimes its not...my girl, unrestrictedgenius, over there in my blog roll, has a story about what happened to us friday night...she is nicer than me....btw, im the one kicking her chair all damn night...

Im a nice person...generally...although ive had friends tell me i need to be more sensitive...my roomie just informed me that i dont cry enough...

but im think im a nice person because I tend to indulge these random people so I wont seem rude...but dammit some days I really just don’t care...and I look back and realize I can never get those moments back..they were stolen from me...by folks I don’t know...don’t care to know...and who I will never see again...i coulda spent those stolen moments pondering the meaning of life...

I know I sound real mean or snotty right now...that’s okay...we all have our days...

Im just trying to figure out what it is about me that makes people comfortable approaching me with their random shyt...

btw...im back in the gym....ever since my boyfriend pointed out he has 4% body fat...i have felt the desire to reduce some of the fat on my frame...not too much though...
but i did this ab workout the other night...my muscles right under my breasts are aching...it also happens to be the exact spot where the under wire in my bra rests...its soo uncomfortable...im sitting at work now wishing i could take off all this hardware and let my girls dangle freely...

day dreamin and im thinkin of you...

i was re-reading my Vibe Vixen and saw a cute question that they asked their editors and writers for the issue...and i started trying to think of my own answer..

the question: what is you midsummer night's dream?

it was such a cute question...i had some ideas..then i asked my girls and realized i was limiting myself...they were dreaming about trips to figi and italy....shoo, i was just thinking about going back to atlanta...lol...

and i thought well hmm let me think broader...but i couldnt..as much as i want to visit these exotic places all i could think about was atlanta...

so here is my dream...im going to keep it simple..try not to write too much...leave room for my imagination to feed off of later...

i have the warehouse loft of my dreams, located in midtown or downtown atlanta...and no rent, lol..its just mine...i have a steel gray BMW convertible and black range rover parked in my garage...
i have my girls over and we are drinking champagne and snacking on goodies while getting ready to go out...
and by my girls i mean all my girls...my college ladies, my cali ladies, my michigan ladies, my fellowship ladies...all my ladies...together in one space....yes, my loft is huge, lol

we go out to a fab dinner at one of my fav italian places, Brio...then off to a rooftop party where we dance the night away...and after we are good and toasty and sweaty from dancing...we end up at waffle house for some late night grease...lol

in the morning i wake up to the smell of coffee and mcdonald mcgriddles...my marine has come over to surprise me with breakfast cause he is just sweet like that..and he knows mcgriddles are my crack...we cuddle on the couch while we eat and talk and laugh...we take a hot shower together and end up in the bedroom for some bonding time, lol...

okay thats as far as i got....lol...

had some more ideas but...hanging with friends and loving down my man seemed to be a good enough dream for the moment...
so..

whats your midsummer nights dream?

whats been going on?

its long..enjoy...

is it narcissistic to think that folks really wanna know what going on in my life?
so a few weeks ago i got in a car accident on the way to pick up my marine from the airport...begin who i am, and full of steam/adrenaline at the time...i called my girls, got my car towed, called my insurance company, called my parents, got everyones info, secured a rental..and within 2 hours was back on the road to pick up my huny....of course being out of it and going to an airport i never been to before i got lost...but we made it back home...oh, but i felt it the next day...especially because me and my huny stayed up til at least 4 a.m. watching tv...and other things, lol....i had to take him back to base the next day before going to work..i was totally out of it..i made it through most of the day and told my boss i had to take some sick hours...i just really needed some sleep and a long, steamy shower....oh and on the way home from the airport my guy tells me that he is going to be on some training mission in the desert for a month....a month...

so that was about 2 weeks and some change ago...he managed to call me for my birthday on the 11th..i didnt think id hear from him because it phone doesnt work out there...but he found a way to give me a call and tell me happy birthday...i cant tell you how happy that made me...

my girls ushered in my b-day week/vacation with a brunch..they called over all the girls and we had mismosas and a big buffet of food..it was fun, real relaxed and just chill...we went through about 3 bottles of champagne that day...

the day after my b-day i flew home for a few days to see my family...i foulnd that i dont have a room anymore...my grandma moved in to my old bedroom and they other bedroom is now an office...so i had the couch...but it was great..i hadnt spent that much time at home in a couple years...i hung out with friends, shopped, hit a couple clubs, went to cchurch and just relaxed...it was a great time...i really missed my family...oh and i ate too..i ate EVERYTHING...krispy kreme is the devil! i think i hit almost every resturant that i miss...

but now im back...my huny called (i warned yall a long time ago i was going to talk about his ass repeatedly, so dont get all huffy) me last week and told me they had a 24 hour leave over the weekend...you know i was TOO excited...and i also realized i had been slacking in the shaving department..i was a HOT MESS yall...and so i had to handle that...it took a minute too....it was bad...

so after all that he texts me saturday morning and tells me he cant come...so me being the understanding *cough, cough* girlfriend that i am told him that is was ok and that i understood...i was kinda pissed though....so me and my roomie get up, make some coffee and are having a catch up session....since she works days and i work night we dont see each other during the week...se we are chillin, playing with the puppy and having a good start to our saturday morning when the doorbell rings...yall, im simple....real simple...im thinking its our girl marie...but uh, marie has a key....its my baby...he wanted to surprise me...but he has a key to so it didnt even cross my mind that he would be at the door...my shaving did not go in vain...HA....

i still had to work that day but he had plans to meet up with his boys so i wasnt worried about having to entertain him...after i got off me and my girl marie went to the house and had 2 bottles of wine, lol..and some tacos!...lol we were TOASTED...and in walk him, his boys and my roomie...and they were toasted....so we all huing out being stupid til about 4 in the morning...me and my huny got some much needed time just to be in each others faces...yall, i love that man...yeah i said it...im kinda hardcore and when it comes to being in love and being mushy but yeah well...im there...and not uncomfy at all and love being around him...and he is the same way...

well he is back in the desrt now for 2 more weeks...and i am missing him like crazy...i think i wore one of his shirts for almost two days, until it stopped smelling like him and started smelling like me..and well i needed to shower...lol...

so here i am at work right now...i think thats my update....oh i ran into the most triflin starbucks when i was in the detroit airport...i get off the plane, after hardly any sleep..i see the big, bright starbucks sign and get excited...i wait in line for almost 15 minutes..i order a grande non-fat mocha...i pay my money, and get my drink...and walk away....i was thinking to my self"this cup feels kinda light" i take a sip....its nonfat milk, and cream...no mocha, no espresso...and i dont have time to go back cause my mama is outside, parked illegally at the airport waiting for me...so on the way back to cali..i end up at the same starbucks...i said to myself...let me try this again..but its late, im ging to order a tall green tea/lemonade...i shoulda known by the way they were bumpin mary j. blige all XTRA loud....but im one to give the benfit of the doubt right....they ask if i want my tea sweetened...yes...yall...that tea...Lawd help me...she must have thought i ordered kool-aod cause there was more sweetener than lemonade...yall..i know i should went back and told them to redo it..but i didnt have the energy..i was thinkin "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"...i knew better but nope i chose to play myself...so me and my kool-aid tea and my vibe vixen found a corner and sat until it was time for me to board...

oh, for my birthday i bought myself a new journal..im thinking new journal for a new year...i have to through a couple thoughts i wrote in it on here...i try and call myself getting deep every once in awhile....k, now i have to go update my other blog...so if yall know the name of that blog look for something soon...

whats been up in your life? spill it!

been on vacation...

from work and from blogging..but im back..and i got stories, lol....my birthday week was the BOMB..i got photos! a have a few reflections too...*WAVING* to the few people who actually read this tiny blog....ill be updating soon....oh, i got in a car accident but im okay...i went home to visit the fam in michigan and they are thriving...kinda....lol...im missing my man...2 more weeks and he will be in my arms...yeah ill be back...details to come.....MUAH

Def Jam Poetry - Jill Scott "Nothing Is For Nothing"

More Lily!

disecting the journey

ive been reading 'When chickenheads come home to roost again" by joan morgan even though this book was placed on the shelves in 1999 i still cant get enough of it....i let a friend of mine borrow my copy..then i just decided to go ahead and let her keep it...that book granted me with some knowledge and i hope she will get as much out of it as i did...that book along with Racism 101 by Nikki Giovanni and the choreopoem For colored girls...have always touched something in my soul...there was a time when i had to read something out of one of those books just to make me feel like life was giong to be alright...
i have added jill scotts poetry book to me list because i swear she has been in my head...its funny how soo many women can share such a collective experience...my girl marie has the book too and was showing me one of the poems at work the other day...i said girl, i know, as soon as i read that one, i identified...marie gave me a look and said "i just cant believe that you were ever that lost"...hmmmph...back in the day i was choking myself out...i was dying inside...i wish i could explain the pain...the restlesness in my soul...i now know im not alone, and never was...that there are soo many women out there who can feel me...and some who are there now and will understand one day...i dont know the exact day the flip in my brain switched...but im grateful it did...i was a scared little girl perpatrating as a grown ass woman...i think about those times often...God looks after children and fools, and i was both...i suppose thats why i have so much to thank Him for...

but i didnt even mean to go there today in this post...i meant to post a few things from chickenheads...imma post a little something in a minute just because it was my intent...im feeling reflective right now though...

i have a good man...i love to talk about him...sometimes i keep my mouth shut just because well, some things are best left between a woman and her man...but he is a great guy...he is special...and i think to myself wow, girl you have come a long way...i told him i picked him for myself..which i did...spotted him at the bar, saw his Tims were abnormally clean for being in the environment we were in and told my girl that he was mine...i took him home with me that night...damn i hope my mama never reads this..lol...he came back the next weekend with his toothbrush...and we are still growing...he is an enigma at times, but i like that about him...we have a sort of bond where we dont have to speak all the time which i find special...ok my reason for saying all that is this...i am a good woman who deserves a good man in her life...and i got him...but if i hadnt spent time working on me and learning myself i never would have gotten the chance to know what a special man he is...i wouldnt have been ready to allow him in my life...if i hadnt have taken time to be alone for awhile and processed my past behaviors and my past relationships he would have walked by me...i believe God places things you want and ask for in front of you when you are ready to handle them and when you can appreciate them...when i met him i was scared, i told him the first month we were together he always made me nervous....ummm, men dont make me nervous so i knew something was up...

i dont know why im writing all of this now, and im sure im repeating things i have written before...but i feel okay about that...im just.....happy...

and i have God to thank for that...and im glad he allowed me to pick up those books written by my sisters to show me that being a woman is a complex thing and there is nothing wrong with not knowing the answers...and that growing and learning and striving to become a complete package is an everyday thing...life has valley's and mountains...somedays u may be lost in the valley, other days you may be relishing the mountain top..i guess the idea is to embrace the journey..

ok, here is a piece from chickenheads...

"ultimately, healing relationships between black men and women depend on our ability to forgive. one of the most toxic by-products of black folks' history is an anger rooted in centuries of racism and human suffering. an anger black men and women, however unwittingly, are quick to turn on each other. its time to acknowledge it, and then let it go. if not for our sakes then for the sakes of our children."

joan morgan is quoting Marita Golden in this passage:
"african-american women must forgive the real and imagined crimes of their sons' fathers. we must resist the urge to visit upon all the men in our lives the bitterness and pain planted by incompetent fathers or disappointing lovers...and we must forgive black men for not protecting us against slavery, racism, white men, our confusion or their doubts. and black men have to forgive black women for our own sometimes dubious choices, divided loyalties and lack of belief in their possibilites...only when our sons and daughters know that forgiveness is real, existent, and that those who love practice it, can they form bonds as men and women that really can save and change out community."

Im a mama!!

Meet Lily







She is a Shih Tzu...8 weeks old

my roomie leslie and i had been talking about gettign a puppy...then we deicded we should probably get a cat...so yesterday we went to the shelter to go pick out a kitten...well, we are kinda slow in the mornings...so we didnt end up leaving the house until after 4...then we decided to go grab something to eat first...so we end up getting to the shelter after 5...they closed at 4...so we said oooh well lets go to pet smart and just look around..so thats what we did...then just on a whim we went to this other little pet store across the way...we walked in and there was lily...and it was over...love at first sight...my wallet is crying though...leslie said we will be living on top ramon for a little while...lol...uh no...

so we picked up a few things to get us through the night...my boyfriend called, he was at the apartment chillin, he had just come down from base...yeah he has a key...i know...i was like we will be home in a sec...he had told us the other week that we didnt need a dog...lol...so i didnt say anything...got home and walked in the house and he just cracked up...i told les not to tell him how much we paid for her cause he would give me the crazy look...of course she slipped up and spit it out anyway...and yep. ya girl got the crazy look...

but as soon as i put lily on the couch she headed right for mr. marine...flirting all ready...i swear she was switchin...so already loves her..lol...they were hanging tight on the couch...

the three of us and lily ran out a little later for ice cream and decided to kinda stroll downtown while we were out...i love that its warm now it was about 9p.m. and it was around 80 outside..it was a nice night...of course my man decided that he was going to hold lilyfor most of the evning...lol...later on i guess she looked up at him and he said "ooh, ok i think im in love"...lol..too cute..

thing is leslie and i are suckers...lily is going to be a spoiled little brat...and she has already peed in every room in the house already...and took a couple dumps in the living room...anyone have any potty training tips cause im clueless...we put her in her puppy holder last night so she could go to sleep...umm yeah...she started scratching and squealing and whimpering...needless to sa she slept with leslie last night...who then decided to wake me up early this morning by dumping her in my bed...lily had already peed twice and pooped in the wrong placed this morning so leslie decided it was time to go get her nails done, lol...

but this should be a great adventure..she is the sweetest thing in the world..loves to cuddle...she also loves to bite on my nails and lick my toes...we got her a doggy toy..shoe dont want it..i gave her some tupperware lids and she is in heaven...she is going to fit right in with this backward family...

TOOO FUNNNY!

Madea Black Movie Awards

starving...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

my mom doesnt ready my blog but i feel the need to say it anyway....




ok so since i wrote that last entry....i have still yet to write anything...

i did manage to read two books though...watch a few movies....clean the kitchen several times (it relaxes me)....start in on a couple magazines...think about going to the gym...get my nails done...sit on the phone and chat with my man...hang out with the girls...get hit on by a senior citizen....have Easter enchiladas and champagne (gotta love having a Mexican roomie who likes to cook)...found a couple new places to chill at around town... bought some flowers for the house (irises, so pretty)....

but...no writing...no spark...dunno why im looking for a spark but i am...

i was thinking about how much i miss my huny...he has some kinda training in some other state for a month...he has been gone almost two weeks....and im pitiful...i didnt think i would miss him like this...but i do...my girls think its cute....umm i dont...im ready for him to come back...so we can curl up on the couch and watch movies...go to the mall...have sex...real good sex...i noticed the other day that ive been sleeping on his side of the bed...and i hate that side of the bed...i just wanna hug him...give him a shoulder massage...make him a cup of coffee...yeah i got it bad....lol...

but i cant get a poem or nuthin out of any of that...lol...maybe im not trying hard enough...considering i havent actually picked up a pen and notepad and sat down...im just walking around hoping something hits me...lol...i need to DO BETTER...im partially motivated..i cant wait for my mind and my heart to connect so that i can write something im proud of...

marie...stop laughing at me...i know u r reading this...lol...yeah u know your girl is a mess.....

getting my OOMPH back....i hope

i havent written a poem in 2 years...2 years...sad...i decided to sift through the poetry forum on my message board...and i found a bunch of stuff i wrote...i dunno why i stopped...maybe reading over some of my old stuff will inspire me to write again...or maybe not...maybe someone will enjoy these...or maybe not....ahhhh welll...i like 'em...


*Rush*
u always find a way
to situate yourself back into my life
i used to like that about you
you kept my mind stimulated
with your dramatic acts
but
now i wish you would stay away
you are always in this hypnotic rush
to prove to yourself
that im still open?
trying to rush my emotions
trying to convince me
that my feelings for you
remain the same
that my heart still beats to your rhythm
we havent been in syncopation
for quite a long time
but my ego make me
ssshhhhhhh....
because honestly
i like to see you rush
because when we were together
you never did
you cruise controlled your way into my world
but
now you rush
hoping to sweep me up in your fantasy
and i hang on
because
i always love to hear you say
you miss me
and you are sorry
and you arent over me
i have 20 bucks
that says you really are
u just dont want to admit it
but
thats your demon
so
you keep rushing
stumbling over your own heart
trying to take back
a love
thats gone....

*Broken Consentration*
i was trying to read about how
ntozake's colored girls had considered suicide
and leroi was trying to explain to me
why he changed his name to baraka
but all i could think about was how inviting you lips looked
all of a sudden the roar of langstons rivers
sounded like your laugh
and zoras eyes might have been watching God
but i was lost deep in yours
and i couldnt comprehend
why alice was going on about the color purple
because all i was aware of
was the mohagony color of your skin
every fiber in my body was trying
to pay attention to richard and his boy bigger
but i kept getting distracted by your long slender fingers
so i gave up on them and i came to you
and even ms militant giovanni had to crack a smile
at how perfect
i fit in your lap


*i can only write love poems*
i have discovered
that i can only write
love poems
there are no poems
about my rent being due
or my cable being cut off
i havent been able to find inspiration
in my vanilla scented candles
or daises
or those hershey bars with almonds i crave
for some reason
i can only write love poems
i cant describe the glow of the moon
that eminanted through my window last night
or explain the oranges, read and violets
of the sunrise that awakened me this morning
its so amazing
but since i met you
i can only write love poems
mr. shakespeares iambic pentameter
doesnt give me enough creative license
to descibe your eyes
and renaissance prince haki madhubuti's haiku's
dont have enough syllables
to express my feelings about your smile
i almost got frustrated
because
i can only write love poems
i mean poems about you
cause my mind
cant fathom
writing anything else

*silences*
it is always in silence
the silence between the time someone takes a breath
and finally reaches for the lips of another with their own
the absorbtion of the contact,
the feel of tongues dancing together in unison,
the longing look of passionate exchanges to come
it is always in silence
the acceptance of secret places
being caressed and arroused
the reality that a shared wanting
will be revealed
it is always in the silence
that two people share
after being entwined and intermingled
the insecurity and the hope
that lay between them
and keep them intrigued
it is always the silences
that teach about life
the silences
balance the questions
and prepare those
who are not ready
to start realizing the answers
it is always in the silences
where love can grow
the silence can be deafening
to those not ready to listen....

*Hello*
so i am waiting for you to call
and im mad because i am waiting
and pissed off at myself
for realizing that i keep picking up the phone
checking the dial tone
obviously things have changed between us
specifically around the same time
that you said nothing would
and while i do accept that
i still just want you to call one more time
not really even to dwell
on things that have gone down between us
but just to hear one last excuse
or one last answer to a question
i never asked i guess im just looking
for a reason to hang up the phone one last time

*Wrong flavor*
i see you are curious,
you wonder what i taste like
and if you will get a chance to position your body horizontal
to my heart
tasting me takes time
i understand your willingness to woo me
you have been told stories about my eyes
and wonder if you are underestimating the power of my lips
tasting me takes time
i need you to know my history
because then you will begin to understand
my craving for chocolate and candles
which filters into my future (and possibly yours)
tasting me takes time
are you ready to invest your thoughts
do you dare see me as i see myself
are you prepared for all that i have to offer
because tasting me takes time
and many have run out of time
trying to taste the wrong flavor

can i get some?

ive never been a very sensitive person...i have compassion, sympathy..i care....i just dont show it very well...i dont think i cry enough...my "college sweetheart" yeah we broke up over the phone while i was at the hair salon...my stylist finished my hair, i got in the car and i cried for maybe 10 minutes...by the time i arrived back on campus, my eyes were dry and i was trying to figure out what i was wearing to whatever party later that night...and that man was my love...

my brother has always been more sensitive...he knows exactly what to say in just about every situation dealing with other peoples emotions...and i envy that...i love watching him with people he has such charm and charisma...i bet he could get along with just about anyone...but dont get it twisted...he has a temper...you just dont see it too often...its something how the sweetest people are the ones who you know to stand clear from when they blow up cause its gonna be ugly...i think we actually may share that trait...

yeah but me...i can be standoffish at first...possibly even cold...depending on the circumstance...i need to warm up to people..im not people person right off the bat...i got this professional cool thing going for me...which can be a hinderance, or misunderstood..

when i was 2 i wouldnt go give my aunt a hug...instead i latched on to my mama and stuck a thumb in my mouth...my aunt called me stuck up...stuck up at age 2....lol...naw, i was just my mama's baby...

im still not stuck up...i have my moments where i just dont wanna deal with some folks...though i may give some folks crazy ass looks cause they say some dumb shyt...

so back to this sensitivity thing...im blunt...i dont really sugar coat...i cant lie for shyt...lying does me no good cause my face shows everything...

my cali girls have made me more aware of this sensitivity thing...they show all kinds of emotions...u know when they r hurt, u know when they are angry...foreign shyt to me, i swear i must wear some kind of veil over my emotions...well know not really...let me rephrase..my girls are vocal..if they are mad, the yell, when they are hurting, they cry...i dont think they have ever heard me yell...and the only reason one of girls saw me crying is because we decided to watch the movie the notebook..and if u dont cry during the notebook then you must really be out of touch...cause that movie will get you alll caught up...

so im not vocal...but you will know when i have an issue...im a spoiled brat an stubborn...i admit this...so if something is wrong...i wont speak, i wont look at anyone, i will barely engage in convo...if i get mad in the car, hold on to your seat...but i found i process slower...emotions simmer in me...they dont boil over...i have to process shyt out before i can talk about it...if i ever do say a word...shyt, this is why i write...i get all my thoughts out...then i get over it...

not the best way to deal with stuff cause a lot of times folks dont know what the hell went down...i feel that my girls are more honest with their shyt cause they let it all out at once...i let shyt flow through me...ya girl dont use her words...never have...maybe one day i will...dunno...but i might not use my words all the time but i also dont let folks run me over...i hope folks know their place with me...i try and make that clear...sometimes it works...sometimes it fails...such is life...ya learn, you grow...you keep pushin...

ok so one of my girls tells me i need to be more sensitive...and i try to explain to her its not that i want to be insensitive...i just process shyt differently...if someone tells me some sensitive shyt...it takes me a minute to wrap my heard around it..then i wonder if they want advice, or just an ear...sometimes my intuition is right, sometimes wrong...now...sometimes i say my first thought on the matter...and a lot of times i dont because i know its going to be harsh...but my face says it all and well we end up in a bad situation...and alla sudden im insensitive...gots to be more careful with those faces...but shyt, who am i foolin, that aint gonna change...

i guess because i rationalize things before i throw any emotion into it...my face shows the the rational...but i guess since the emotion takes a minute, no one gets to see that part and it is left buried inside me...ergo....im not sensitive...

i call up my mama and ask her if i am a sensitive person....my mama laughs...then she goes "huh?" (stalling)

then she laughs again...and says no

but you know what else my mama said..."shauna dont change for anyone"...

feeling a little dark today...

im fnally settled into my new place...ive been moved in since last week but i finally managed to start feeling comfortable yesterday when i got my room the way i wanted it...i put my canopy up above my bed, threw on my fav comforter and finally got all the clothes off of my floor and my teddy bears situated...i dont know why i take those teddy bears everywhere...habit i guess...i still have suitcases of books all over my room...i have two of my bookcases filled but i plan on buying new ones so i decided not to unpack the rest...but i cant wait until i do, i dont like having my books out of order...my collection is too precious to me...

i found an old journal of mine the other day...well not found but i actually opened it and read it...some of the stuff i have posted on this blog..i cant believe Spelangel has been up for more than two years...but reading a lot of my old thoughts really got to me...i feel so much older than the person who wrote all those words....i even read a few parts of the entries to my girls...ive come a long way in a short time..im just now realizing that...it feels good but i know there is still so much more...

i was in my car on the way to work and almost broke down crying...ive been feeling overwhlemed, worn out and tired the past couple of weeks and i couldnt shake it off...it dawned on my today...my soul is tired...just tired...ive been a shoulder for my friends..and while i dont mind being their for my friends..because i love them...im carrying the burden of their dramas...exactly what i didnt want to do to..i mean i do in the since that i want to be there for them but i cant carry their issues and mine...i got to give that up now...i had to ask God to take some of this...to relieve me...because i was doing too much on my own...im just wore out, that inner peace that usually surrounds me has been shaken and i cant be everything for everybody...ive head tension headaches, bodyaches, if i can get EXTRA personal...my period lasted a day and a half...that aint right..i cant even bleed right...im stressed..and im not the one with the issues...so you see my heart is just heavy...and i know God is the answer...pray for me

and send up one for my huny...i have a feeling he will be going back to Iraq (for his 3rd tour)...he hasnt said anything and its just a feeling...but im nervous...i hope whatever im feeling is wrong...other than my crazy feeling we are good...i miss his quiet ass...even though i just saw him a few days ago...its like that sometimes though...

i think its ex-boyfriend week again..ive talked to two of them this week...one had a birthday a few days ago so i called him...a mistake...he started trippin a little...but i dont expect anything less...he is who he is...
the other called me...telling me about his woman issues...which is fine...my thing is he never asks me how i am doing...same problem we had in our relationship...no reciprocity...which is fine i dont really want to tell him about my man..but its just the principle of it...

ooh but anyway...keep ya girl in your thoughts...its almost midnight, i get off in a ew and im about to make a run to wal-mart...i MUST HAVE coffee and water in my apartment at all times and im running low on both...

Memes

thanks GBMama

1) Are your parents married or divorced? Married for 36 years (high school sweethearts)
2) Vegetarian? Nope
3) Heaven? Yes
4) Come close to dying? Nope
5) What jewelry do you wear? somestimes a necklace, the ring my mama gave my on my 21st birthday
6) Are you eating? not at the moment, but i bought pizza earlier for the copydesk
7) Do you eat the stems of broccolli? Oh yeah, the best part
8) Makeup? when im in the mood
9) Virgin? ummm...no
10) Would you ever have plastic surgery? naw
11) What do you wear to bed? t-shirt
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes, but i cant recall what at the moment *smirk*
13) Can you roll your tongue? Yessir
14) Pluck your eyebrows? Yes, in between waxes
15) What kind of watch(es) do you wear? None, thats what my cell phone is for
16) Abortion? to each his own
17) Hair color? black, brown
18) Future child's name? dunno..never gave it too much thought...
19) Do you snore? no
20) If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go? cant pick just one place
21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I used to in college
22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? pay my bills, pay my parents bills, pay my borthers bills, buy a house, invest, grab up some shoes, save
23) Gold or silver? why limit yourself
24) Hamburger or hot dog? turkey burger
25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose? pineapple
26) Beach, city, or country? city
27) Who was the last person you touched? a co worker..we are a huggy bunch
28) Where do you eat? on the floor sitting on a pillow with my plate on the coffee table in front of the tv
29) When's the last time you cried? its been a while
30) Have you loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes
31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? i need an example
32) Ever been involved with the police? ive had my share of tickets but thats about it
33) Believe in Santa? no
34) Do you talk in your sleep? dont think so
35) beach or pool? beach
36) Can you cross your eyes? Yes
37) What's your favorite song at the moment? lloyd w/ lil wayne "you"
38) Window seat or aisle? window
39) Ever met any famous bands/singers/actors? i dont think so...
40) Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? yes ive had many...i think a successful relationship is one that allows you to grow and learn
41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Cut
42) Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah
43) Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted? yes
44) How long does your shower last? depends on what im doing
45) Do you drive stick? Nope
46) Cake or ice cream? what is one without the other
48)What time do you get up?11 am
49) Have you ever given money to a bum? Yes
50) When was your first crush? elementary school - jason fields
51) Where do you wish you were? at home, im at work right now
52) Have you ever broken someone's heart? im sure
53) Ever been given a ring? by my mother
54) Longest relationship? 25 years with my parents
55) Last gift you received: shorts
56) Last sport you played? basketball
57) Things you spend a lot of money on? food
58) Where do you live? the desert of southern california5
9) High school you attend(ed): Eastern
60) Last wedding attended: thedia
61) Favorite fast food restaurant: taco bell
62) Where do you work: newspaper
63) Can you cook? Yes
64) Most hated food: chitlins
65) Can you sing? around the house i soulnd like beyonce
66) Last concert attended: donell jones
67) Favorite Nonalcoholic drink: POM peach white tea
68) Favorite Alcoholic drink: Wine or cosmo
69) Current Crush? my Marine

stressin and movin

mama has been movin! and has had a nice big tension headache every since the process started...
my girl and i got an apartment together and i have been moving all my stuff since wednesday...and i am tired...and not done yet...we decided to move to a two bed/two bath in my complex...by doing that we dont have to pay a deposit cause ive been there a year already...sounded good to me so we jumped on it...

i swear i didnt realize i had so much stuff though and between the both of us we ended up sticking some things in storage...

i am wiped out...im used to waking up between 11 and 11:30 and lounging until its time to get ready for work..ive been getting up around 9 the pasat few days, packing, moving and running errands then going to work..i attempted to go out thursday and made it until around 1a.m. then i had to call it quits...my body has been totally drained this whole week...
but im almost done..all i have left is the kitchen...my huny and his boy came and got a lot of my stuff transported this afternoon and i am soo thankful for that because it would have taken me forever to finish by myself...

i might attempt to go out tonight since the guys are i here but i dunno....i want to straigten up my room and bathroom real bad so i can feel at home in my new place...

my books are a mess....it took forever to get them to the new apartment...and now i have to get them back on the shelves...i swear i just have to stop buying books...just stop reading...HA...yeah not going to happen...just going to have to buy more bookshelves....

i pray this headache will let up soon...

keep ya head up

you know that saying dont let nobody steal your joy....i let that happen today...im so mad at that...i woke up today in a good mood...i sat around the house, had my coffee, painted my toes watched some sex and the city dvds, did a little laundry...just real chill...just a nice quiet morning, the sun was shining my place is decently clean...i was good...

then i let someone, who musta been in a mood affect me...let them dictate my mood...took the smile off my face...i let someone bring me down with their words...joy....joy...heeeellllooo...joy...where are you?? yup gone....

since that convo my mood has taken a dive, i got to work and my mood got worse...im at the point now im not even bantering with my co-workers..and that usually brings my mood up...

im hoping i still have a chance to snap out of it...but its looking kinda grim..still have a lot of work to do tonight...

----------------

i wrote that last night while i was at work...but ya know what helped..i called my girl who i hadnt talked to in a while...im trying to get her to move out here...but talking to her for about 20 min or so cheered me up...i went back to my desk and finished some more work...went over and joked around with a few co-workers..ended my night on a high note instead of a low one...

went home last night and boiled some crab legs..watched some tv...read a little bit of a book before i went to sleep...it felt good..it took me a minute to get out of my mood but when i did i ran with it...

woke up this morning..had my cup of coffee and texted my girl to meet me at the gym! i am SOOOOO sore right now...i did an hour on the treadmill and a pretty intense ab routine...instead of going home and making a grilled cheese sandwich, like i had been thinking about, me and my girl grabbed protein smoothies then headed to the store to pick up fixings for some salad...i feel good today..i didnt dwell on yesterdays turmoil, i just began my new day...shoo, im blessed to have it, many didnt wake up this morning...

tomorrow i plan on hittin the gym again...and im excited...havent been excited about a workout in a while....

oh and yeah remember that last post where i was ging to chill on my balcony and listen to my lenny?? yeah, HA, of course that didnt happen! i didnt wake up until after noon and my marine didnt sleep in like i thought he would...we ended up sittin up on the couch drinkin coffe and watchin some martin lawrence movie on USA...aawwww well plans change...

went to see smokin aces....pretty good movie...Common and Alicia were GORGEOUS!!!

Again...

im sitting here at work...its been a pretty relaxed day...just editing my little heart out..in a few more hours it will be over...and i will be going to pick up 21 from the base...its been almost two weeks...and i miss him...

so while i have some down time i decided to chill on youtube and at the moment i am watching lenny kravitz in his video again...i forgot how much i love this song..i used to put it on repeat in college, i think i got my rommie andrea hooked too...i went and bought his greatest hits album just for this song..and found quite a few others that i fell in love with like "mama said" and "it aint over til its over"...

so right at this moment i am picturing myself waking up on sunday morning...putting on lenny and stepping out onto my balcony with a cup of coffee...earlier this week they cleared the trees from in front of my balcony so now i can peer right into the horse stable...the horses are gorgeous...yes this is my plan for tomorrow morning...and then i think ill come back inside, put on a sex and the city dvd and pretend to read some more of "eleven minutes"...maybe a little later ill go look in on 21 and watch him sleep for a couple sconds (you ever do that?) before gathering up my laundry and taking it across the hall...

yeah...that sounds like the start of a nice day...

my cell phone exploded!

so last night im playing with my phone....and then it started trippin....turning itself on and off then on then off then on then off....you get the picture...

i actually woke up before 11 to go to the sprint store....

thank God i got that insurance....

but i am phoneless until friday....sprint had to order me a new one...on top of that the good folks at sprint could not retrieve any of the data on my phone...and of course i never got around to backing up anything soooo....if you could please send me your cell numbers and emails and any other information you would like me to plug into my new phone when i get it it would be appreciated...also if you need to reach me....ummm...e-mail me, i would say call my home phone, or my work phone but i never got around to memorizing those numbers either...

thanks yall...love ya!

ooh, my email - swatkins7118@yahoo.com


what am i going to do without my cell phone...i feel lost...i mean if i cant send at least 20 text messages a day i go through withdrawal...*sigh*

i have a new motto...

"spend no money, add no calories"

this is my motto for when i meet up with the crew on tuesdays and thursdays....sometimes wednesdays, fridays and saturdays too...we like to mix it up every now and then...

im not a big drinker...i did my thing in college but have mellowed out a lot since then...once i arrived in cali i found out one of the local bars was the meeting spot for everybody...and i found myself drinking a lot more than i had in a long time...i had to take a step back and ask myself why am i trying to keep up with everyone else...why am i drinking at least 3 to 4 days out the week?...not enough to get drunk but just the fact that i had one drink or two drinks a night was more than i needed...

so now when i go out, sometimes ill have a cute little cosmo or nothing at all...i usually keep a bottle of wine or two at the house just in case when folks come over i have something to offer...

ok..my motto...ive been mulling over my DO BETTER list...and it hit me...i can knock out two birds with one stone...saving money and getting in better shape...

so basically now when i meet up with everyone at the bar...ill drink water....water is free and water has no calories...have yall checked out the calories in beer and liquor...yeah...i could use those calories for something else like real food...

and even though i do usually get the hook up on my tab...pennies add up...i could save that money and pay a bill...i swear sprint is getting rich off me...

since i already have cut back...breaking my ties completely shouldnt be that difficult...im sure ill have a glass of wine every now and then and im sure ill have a cosmo every now and then...if nothing, im realistic...but im motivated to just chill out, i dont need it...im trying to DO BETTER this year....

GIRL, DO BETTER!

ive been thinking about this whole new years resolution thing...i never make them...i mean i do think that january brings a feeling of starting anew...but im not starting anything new...my boyfriend....

(warning: i will probably reference him any chance i get for a little while, but he is just soo damn cute yall, and we are still in that whole "honeymoon" stage so bare with me, im sure it will get annoying but just bite ya tongue and roll ya eyes, ya girl is happy thats what matters right? right? right?)

...anyway he asked me what was my new years resolution...and well, since i dont really make resolutions i thought up somethin real quick that he would like and i cant really repeat what i said because its not really PG-13, but lets just say it put a big ole smile on his face and a big ole smirk on mine...

but i started thinking the other day....resolutions arent so bad if you plan to really use it as motivation to get ya life together or try something new...but i still cant get with it...sooo i decided that instead of resolving to do something new, ill resolve to do what i already do but better...so i came up with my DO BETTER list...

back in the day, if someone said or did something real random, or strange, or just REAL unnecessary...u would look at them roll ya eyes, cock ya head to the side and say "u need to do better" or when its just a tragic mess we would shorten it up and say just say "do better"(or was that just where i was from?)

so im giving myself the look...here is my DO BETTER list:

1. going to the gym...clearly, Gold's Gym is debiting 45 dollars out of my account every month, i need to go more than ummmmm, once a month - girl U NEED TO DO BETTER!!

2. saving...target is the devil...i cant go in there without buying some uneeded piece of merchandise, whether its a new candle, or candle holder, or shirt, or bag, or necklace, or face wash, or mascara...you get the hint..instead of wasting my money on little stuff i need to just keep it in my account - babygirl, DO BETTER!!

3. eating out...my everyday routine involves indulging in a cup of coffee when i wake up, then finally around 2 p.m. ill decided to get dress and by 3 im stopping off at some resturant grabbing some food to eat at my desk while i start work...i need to cook more, they know me at at least 4 different spots around town...i took my boyfriend to my fav pizza place the other day and he gave the the craziest look when the owner smiled and said "hi, shauna did you call in your order today?" yeah so i need to hit the grocery store and lay off the dining out - girl, U NEED TO DO BETTER!!

4. keeping in touch with friends, fam and old colleagues..im bad yall, so bad, and i have no real excuse...it takes me days to return an e-mail, weeks to return a phone call, and my myspace messages, yeah...real bad...and well...ive warned folks not to leave a voicemail, it wont get answered because i check my voicemail maybe twice a month...maybe...funny, the best way to get ahold of me is to text message me (i stay typing on my phone, its got the QWERTY keyboard, love it!) or catch me on my ride to work, meaning you have to actually know my hours....yeah so i pretty much only talk to my mama around that time...so i gotta stop putting things off, i could really break down some bridges if i dont start hollering back at my people...to those who know i have this issue ya girl plans to DO BETTER!!

ok..i know i have some others but i cant think of them at the moment...yall, im a work in progress, please be patient with me...God is not through with me yet (i used to love that song)

its going to be a good year

recap: went to MI for Christmas...it was great seeing my fam, i got to meet my new cousin, he is almost one years old...and a little heathen, lol... naw but forreal that what i told his daddy, my cousin...the little guy only has 4 teeth but decided to bite me..and it hurt...but he is the cutest little thing i have ever seen...he just started walking so he wore me out but it was fun holding a baby, he was so sweet when he got sleepy...Christmas was great, it was wonderful being around my family, i couldnt stop hugging them...

geting off the plane in detroit i saw a little girl with a Spelman bag that said class of '09 so i HAD to find out her info... turns out she is in high school and has dreams of being a Spelman woman...i love that! her mom and i talked all the way to the baggage claim and she was telling me about her daughter...i hope that girl makes it to Spelman, she sounded like Spelman material...i have her moms info so i may check up on her..

then i came back to California....and went out for new years eve...i remember the ball dropping and hugging all my people, taking pictures, the champagne toast...it was great...and i was looking REAL cute that night too...

i have been having a great year already...my weekend was wonderful..my boyfriend and his friends came down from the marine base and spent the weekend with me and my people...on sunday me and the boyfriend spent the whole day together laying up on the couch, watching movies, and falling asleep...it was nice just being around each other...cant wait until the weekend wheen he comes back down...

last night i worked a half day..i have vacation time from last year i need to use up so i decided to take half days on tuesdays, my slow days...my boy came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over for dinner...my girl and i house sat for him and his partner a few weeks ago and had a great time laying up in their nice house, playing with their dogs and chillin in their jacuzzi...so my girl and i met over his house last night and had a ball, its was a great night...im taking in he whwhole scene: its january and we are sitting outside in the backyard next to a fire pit sipping martinis and grilling steaks...talk about new experiences...after a nice dinner outside under the cabana we hit the jacuzzi and had a good time laughing and conversing...clearly after the drinks, the heavy food and the hot jacuzzi i went home and crashed...

my year is already starting out so nice, chill and fun and i plan to keep that vibe going...the family is healthy, the job is hectic but wonderful, the boyfriend is HOT AS HELL, the friends are genuine..life is good...this year is going to be soo right...i am claming it for myself....


GBMama - i have a verse coming for you!