i celebrated new years early....

i didnt do it intentionally...it just sort of happened..and i didnt realize it until 5 minutes ago.....

fridays i go into work early...i have to be there at 7 a.m. i have to get the paper out, that is how i earn my meager wages...but fridays its almost a one woman show...and seeing that it is a holiday...well, my publisher was not in, my managing editor and the assistant managing editor were not in...the newsroom consisted of me, 4 other ladies and an intern, everyone else was chillin on vacation....but i made it do what it do...i finished editing and designing the paper and sent it to the press...and i got done 30 minutes ahead of deadline, on an empty stomach....i had a BLAH day at work...not much to do after that...i worked ahead and was done with layout for saturdays paper before lunch...so i spent the rest of the day emailing friends, entertaining myself with other blogs and chillin on my message board talkin to folks....and i left early....

i talked with my best friend Andrea aka Sister aka Walter (dont ask) on the drive home...she had an interview today and i wanted to holler at her about it..you know show my girl some support...it was nice, i love talking to her, i feel like i can let my guard down forreal with her..she knows me so well....

i get home and jump on my lap top and i end up having 4 IM chats at the same time...i was a typing fool...but it was fun...and i was connecting with my people...

one of them decided to call me...he was getting ready to leave work...he said he was in a pampering mood...well he lives a number of states away from me so i hope the lucky lady he got to pamper tonight enjoys herself...yeah im light weight hating....so what....

but he started me to thinking...well shoo i can pamper myself...i dont need a man to do it...so i set my little pamper night into action...after a nice little nap that is...i started by lighting every single candle, oil burner and wax burner in my apartment...it was nice and romantic looking, and i felt kinda sensual...then i decided i should get my feet together...i had been slackin on my pimpin(HA! i like sayin that!)...so i buffed them and gave them a nice little paint job, along with a small foot massage...so far so good right....

now i would have jumped into the bathtub but...deliver us from eva came on tv...and as soon as i saw LL Cool J and that dome, i had to change my plans and watch the movie...it was nice, i was curled up on the couch re-establishing my school girl crush on LL...the man is HOT...the dimple, the dome, the chest, the abs, THE LIPS.....

....A BRIEF INTERMISSION WHILE I EXHALE.....

okay, im back...during the duration of the movie i think i also might have gained a slight woman-to-woman crush on gabriel union....*blush*

so after the movie...i spent about 3 minutes fantasizing about the things i would do to LL before turning the channel to the music channel..i put it on channel 907, the "Smooth R&B" channel to be exact...

i went and washed out the tub, ran some bath water, and added a good amount of bubbles...they foam.....N I C E....

oh before i hopped in grabbed a couple candles and placed them on the counter, turned the tv up, and poured a large glass of apple juice into one of my fav hand painted wine glasses...i dont have any wine in the apartment at the moment or i would have poured wine in the WINE glass...but hey i wasnt about to run out in the rain just for a bottle of wine...and apple juice COULD ALMOST pass for some white wine....LOL...

now after all of that i begin the point of this post...as i sat in the tub i began thinking about this 2005 that is about to come to a close...and i realized..i was very disatisfied with it...2004 was a year of beginning for me...i suppose i can call 2005 a year of settling down...but i didnt like that....it felt stagnate...i mean i did do somethings i am proud of this year....mainly my maynard fellowship in reno..that was a time to really focus on career and be emmersed in my profession so i loved it...i became an editor, i became a mentor, i went back to church and reconnected with God and faith....but i didnt feel in motion like i did in 2004...this year felt too quiet...and i probably need the quiet..i had been running since freshman year of college...but i felt stagnate and lonely a lot...restless...i realize life cant be one big ball of fun...but it cant be like this...i need interaction...i need to feel like im living more...

so the water got cold as i was thinking...so i let some out and added some more...i wasnt done....this was my new years eve....i needed to think....

did i come up with any answers? no but i did come up with some questions...like what am i running from? why cant i feel settled? and will i ever? i feel like i need to be moving..thats why i am excited at the prospect to possibly move to california...im young..im ready to experience the world...and make some money...student loans will never die i swear....

im rambling...

i strted thinking about me...for once just thinking about me...not me in relation to someone else...i think ive been lying to myself...i havent come as far as i want to believe i have...lots of turmoil inside...and i notice i still havent forgiven myself for some of the things i did to myself in the past...i have accepted..but not forgotten or forgiven...and i realize that when i get bored i run back to those things i used to do because i know the outcome, its my safety net but its also my hang up...self image is a bitch...loving yourself is an on-going process...i hate boxes...yet i have thrown myself into a big one...im a chameleon...

i drained the tub...slathered on lotion, found my fav satin night shirt, sat and wrote all of this....and now i think i will sleep...because sleep is an ending and a beginning....

so tomorrow is every one elses new years eve....but ive done what i needed to do to close out this year...i ended it by making myself think....i had my quiet time...i let my mind wander and ponder thoughts i had been pushing to the back of my brain...i let myself cry for myself...and now i am ready for 2006

thanks Oprah...i needed that...

i wrote this a few weeks ago but was hesitant to post it, im not totally sure why but hey now is the time...after i wrote it i e-mailed it to my best friend 'drea -i like to run things by her especially about career because we talk about that a lot and i like to let her in on any new thoughts - this is what she wrote back:

"ohmigosh girl, i totally feel the same way. it's like we get out of college and then bam, reality sets it....well imma listen 2 what oprah is saying cause she must know what she's talking about...
well i hope that we will eventually end up in a place where we are happy about our professional and social life..."

i like oprah, i mean i think she is a great role
model...ive never been on the oprah bandwagon but i do
really think she says some profound things at
times...i was watching "oprah after the show" this
weekend and she was answering questions from the
audience and someone asked her something about advice
she would give someone who is in their 20's...and u
know i really liked her answers, she said quite a
bit....what i really took away from her monologue was what she said about
career...basically she said folks in their 20's a lot of
times think they r going to come right out of school
and land their dream job and a lot of times that is
not the case...she said dont be afraid to take the job
that will help you pay your bills..use this time in
your life to find your passion to explore many job
opportunites and learn about yourself and life...

and i really took that because i thought i would land
the job i dreamed about and that would be it...but as
i look back, in college, all i could see was me wearing
great suits, 'doing lunch' with my girls and living in
a great apartment, going to glamourus parties and
vacations and dating handsome men until i found the
one i would eventually settle down and raise a
family with...a was in a dream world....

because graduation hit and i had no job prospects and
ended up going back home to live with my parents...and
u know i thought i had failed, finally i got a
fellowship which got me out of my parents house and i
thought this would set me on my way to the glamourous
life i dreamed of...nope..two years later im still
trying to break through...and sometimes that feeling
of failure appears and clouds my thinking....

but i really needed that little bit of wisdom from
oprah that day...it made me really think...im only 24,
im still very young in the game of life...this is the
time to discover me, i dont need to worry about this
dream job i just need to keep gaining experience and
before i know it that dream job will find me...i dont
need the perfect job, to fit this perfect mold i made
up in my head a long time ago that said this is what i
need to succeed...i have time to explore and find all
the things im passionate about...this is the time, i
shouldnt dwell on what i cant control...

so im not making much money now, thats okay, im
living, all my NEEDS are taken care of...and alot of
my WANTS are being furnished too..this is the time to
step out and take risks and find my way...

thing is..i knew this...i knew this a long time
ago...but i let the idea of perfection and the belief
that i have failed because im not up to par with
someone elses idea of sucess to cloud my brain...i
still have time to find my way and great things are
out there for me, i just need to step out of the box i
put myself in and reach out for them....

so at this moment in life i WANT to be back in atlanta
so i need to work towrd that goal...but i also need to
keep my eyes open for other opportunities because
atlanta might not be what i need right now...God has a
plan for me...i STRONGLY believe that...i also believe
He will guide me in the right direction and open my
eyes to what i need to do when the time is right....

so im not going to let this job search eat me up...i
mean the Indy Star called me last week...and although
im not serious about working there that might be one
of the experiences that i need to find my passion and
reach my dream so i wont rule anything out...im going
to apply to every place that catches my eye...

i noticed that God has a way of opening things up to
me...He always has...opportunites have felt like they
dropped into my lap in the past because i was patient
and because they were right...i figure if i have to
force something to work in my life then its not
supposed to be...i shouldnt have to force something to
be right...but when i chill and i do my thing usually
the opportunity appears....

so im going to chill..im going to do my part but im
not going to worry...

its so funny a little bit of oprah did inspire me and
make me think..and im ready...im finally ready to
except whats next...sometimes u just have to let go of
things and just listen...so in time i will have a new
job and a new experience to go with that job..and that
experience will guide me towards my passion in life
and then i will have my glamours job, my glamours
life..which might not be what i dreamed about before
but will be what is right for me...


*since i have written this i received a call from a paper in california, the editor told me he had heard some good things about me, and asked if i had ever considered moving to cali...he said he wants me to officially apply - which i did...hopefully ill hear from him again soon...and if not, thats cool, ill keep applying to other places...*

what i like...

its funny how folks always make lists of the qualities they want in their "perfect" partner...shoo i have a running list going on 4 pages in my journal of the "man of my dreams" (imagination)......but then i got to thinking i want so much in someone else what should they expect from me...so i made a list of all the things i want a potential man to know about me....i wrote it on my other blog space and i liked it so i thought id throw it on this one too...i took out the line about deodorant cause the couple people i did share it with gave me the boo boo face through the computer..

this man should know:

i like my totinos pizza rolls cooked until half the filling bursts out

im not partial to red wines but prefer white zifandal and pino grigio

that sometimes i just want to hold hands and walk around downtown

to slightly spread his legs when we go out to eat so i can rest my feet between his thighs, otherwise my feet dangle in the booth and i hate that

i always get constipated before my period

a good book can be better than a football game

my feet are always cold

that i drink right out of the juice, milk and water containers

i like green apples and green grapes because they r tart and that red apples and grapes are too sweet

i like my bathwater XTRA hot and w/ lots of bubbles

i have an obsession with pea coats

i like my socks pulled up to my calves

finds my quirkiness cute and endearing

that i have WAY too many spelman t-shirts

i LOVE matlock marathons

that my love is genuine and priceless

i HAVE to talk with my mom AT LEAST every other day

supports and respects my creativity and my aspirations

loves me because i am me

i am totally devoted one man kind of woman

i cant turn my cell off

that its not always about him

that its not always about me either

sex doesnt make a relationship but does compliment it

but i will try and blow his mind EVERY time

if we go to a japanese restuarant i will keep the chop stix

i love to be held

i use way too much toilet paper

i love flowers even though i can never keep them alive

that consistancy is a must

i have a worrisome obsession with face and body products

the scale in the bathroom is just for decoration

how to cook, or at least makes a real good turkey sandwich

that wrestling with me is mandetory and even if i lose, i still won

accepts my almost anal love of organization

is willing to teach me new things and also learn from me

that dammit sometimes i just dont feel like shaving, hair can be sexy...sorta

grocery shopping is a major event for me

my mom is off the chain and i am becoming more and more like her everyday

i dont argue

what u see is what u get, i dont have an instruction manual

i have a healthy love of erotica

he is my man and loves that fact

Caption this....

Aint he just the cutest little thing??.....

A guinea pig wears a Santa Claus costume at an animal show in Moscow November 27, 2005. Moscow's Club of Friends of Guinea Pigs organised an exhibition of their favourite pets on Sunday that included a fashion show and a sprinting contest. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

news briefs...

since i am an editor and work at a newspaper and often refer to myself as a journalist...i thought i might throw some news on this blog of mine.....enjoy....


NEW YORK (AP) — Time magazine has named Bill and Melinda Gates and rock star Bono its ‘‘Persons of the Year,’’ citing their charitable work and activism aimed at reducing global poverty and improving world health.
The magazine said 2005 was a year of extraordinary charity in which people donated record amounts in response to extreme natural disasters, from the tsunami in South Asia to Hurricane Katrina.

NEW YORK (AP) — In the year 2009, on the 25th of April, a man named Greg is supposed to get an e-mail. It will remind him that he is his own best friend and worst enemy, that he once dated a woman named Michelle, and that he planned to major in computer science.
‘‘More importantly,’’ the e-mail says, ‘‘are you wearing women’s clothing?’’
The e-mail was sent by Greg himself — through a Web site called FutureMe.org. It is one of the messages open to public view at the site, and Greg used only his first name.
FutureMe is one of a handful of Web sites that let people send e-mails to themselves and others for delivery years in the future. They are technology’s answer to time capsules, trading on people’s sense of curiosity, accountability and nostalgia.

HA HA!

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Bush, brushing aside bipartisan criticism in Congress, said Monday he approved spying on suspected terrorists without court orders because it was ‘‘a necessary part of my job to protect’’ Americans from attack.
The president said he would continue the program ‘‘for so long as the nation faces the continuing threat of an enemy that wants to kill American citizens,’’ and added it included safeguards to protect civil liberties.
Bush bristled at a year-end news conference when asked whether there are any limits on presidential power in wartime.
‘‘I just described limits on this particular program, and that’s what’s important for the American people to understand,’’ Bush said.

GARY, Ind. (AP) — A cafeteria worker thought it was odd that a fourth-grader would pay for his lunch with a $20 bill.
The cashier at Marquette Elementary School was right. The cashier, who also noticed that the texture of the paper wasn’t right, alerted the school’s police officer, Patrolman Greg Tatum, who asked the 10-year-old about the money.
‘‘He reached into his front pocket and pulled out more,’’ Tatum said.
The discovery Tuesday led to the arrest of three fourth-graders at the Gary school, where police and school officials confiscated $179 in counterfeit money.
All three face juvenile charges of forgery and theft, Cpl. Nelson Otano after the students were brought to the police station.
Police found the bills in a trash can next to a computer when they went to the first boy’s home Tuesday, Gary Police Cpl. Nelson Otano said.
‘‘It looked like they were trying to perfect them,’’ he said.
Police arrested two 10-year-old boys and a 12-year-old girl. In all, police identified seven fake 20s, three 10s, one five and four ones, Otano said.

WHY?

NEW YORK (AP) — Commuters who depend on two private bus lines were forced to find their own transportation after drivers walked off the job early Monday, a predicament that could soon paralyze the entire city if the transit strike widens.
The walkout at the two Queens bus lines, which together serve 50,000 commuters, came as the Transport Workers Union continued to threaten a large-scale strike beginning Tuesday. The city’s buses and subways, the nation’s largest transit system, serve up to 7 million riders per day.

can i get personal??

Eyes....
do you ever just stare at yourself in the mirror?

i have always had a fasination with peoples faces...for a long while i have to admit i had a staring problem...and it wasnt that i was trying to stare someone down i was just drawn to facial features...i had to cut that out when i got to atlanta...folks dont like u staring...unless its in the club and you are making eyes at some random half drunk dude....

when i was in high school, and still to this day, although not as much, i used to draw eyes on my papers in class...it was always a big round eye with long eyelashes...i used to try and make a set of eyes but one would always look better than the other...so after awhile i just took to drawing one at a time...i never tried to make a match for it...

i love when i see children with their parents, or siblings, cause i like trying to match up facial features...it so amazing to me....a friend of mines whole family has the same eyes...from mom to son and daughter to the grandchildren...i am just in awe at how genetics work...

sometimes i wish i had that with my family, but then i feel guilty for thinking like that...my parents have been so good to me...but we are not blood, therefore, no matching eyes....and so sometimes, just sometimes, i want to meet the folks who got down and produced me...just so i can see where my features came from...

so maybe i search for eyes...hoping to find my own...and maybe i stared at faces hoping to recognize something familiar...

time to educate....

Richard Pryor died Saturday at age 65....many bloggers have created eulogies and tributes for him, and i think they have all done a better job than i ever could....(check the blogs i have linked on the side, many of them have tributes)...

i remember my mom and dad introducing me to Brewsters MIllions, Bustin Loose and Harlem Nights...remember he was also The Wiz?

my junior year in college my history professor played a record of Richard Pryor's stand-up for just about the whole hour of class...i think he realized we were all around 19 and 20 and didnt truly understand what Richard Pryor meant to the black community...

so many of our beautiful black people...icons...have passed away this year....now it is up to us to teach those younger than us about these people....Rosa Parks, Johnnie Cochran, Ossie Davis, John H. Johnson.....the list goes on.....dont let the memories of these great people and the barriers they broke down fade away....


******************

crips founder Stanley 'Tookie' Willams was executed by lethal injection last night..12:35 a.m. pacific time.....i do not know much about him, no more than i have read in the news lately...i know he was nominated 5 times for a nobel peace prize and wrote various books trying to teach kids to stay away from gang life and that he claimed he was innocent right up til the end...im not sure what else to say...i dont know what really happened that night in 1981...i wonder about gov. schwarzenegger and why he decided to deny the request for clemency...i mean ive read why he did...but what really went on in his head....dunno....

Ne-Yo

Im lovin the song "So Sick" by Ne-Yo, i heard it driving to work last week and now i go through the channels everytime im in the car hoping to hear it..i was driving to church this morning and it came on - i know, good way to get in that church spirit right? - but i came home and found ths song on the Def Jam site...AND they play the whole song on the site....
hope you enjoy it as much has i do, he has a lot of talent.....

just click here and click the song So Sick...

My firsts, lasts and nows...

FIRST
First job: Arby's when i was 14, after school from 4-7
First screen name: s_watkins_sc
First funeral: cant recall..i do remember when i was little at someone funeral i was reading a book, i never went anywhere without a book
First pet: i had some gold fish and then in middle school i got a guinea pig, then my brother got one like 2 weeks later, i forgot their names
First piercing: my ears
First tattoo: ..........
First credit card: VISA, still got it still use it...
First kiss: Derrick Walker, i was 13 in the 8 th grade, it was outside our middle school in the corner doorway
First enemy: well hmmm, id say rachel whatsherface senior yea rin highsc hool cause she was 2-faced and i called her out on it in the school newspaper

LAST
Last car ride: i drove home to michigan to see my family
Last kiss: labor day weekend......damn its been awhile
Last movie watched: umm some romantic comdey on Oxygen channel called Romancing the Bride...very sexy leading man
Last beverage drank: coca-cola
Last phone call: this morning, my boy justin, shootin the shyt with me while i was working
Last time showered: this morning around 7:30
Last CD played: wow, well since my car had XM i havent played a cd in a minute...i think it was the Love Jones soundtrack

NOW
Last website visited: The Love Hater [where I stole this]
Single or taken: Single
Gender: Female
Birthday: july 11
Sign: Cancer
Siblings: An older brother
Hair color: Black
Eye color: Dark brown
Wearing: one of my dad's sweatshirts that i swiped, a morehouse t-shirt under it, jeans and chocolate tims
Drinking: ........... going to go get soem OJ though
Thinking about: what im going to eat for lunch
Listening to: my co-workers jiber-jab



that was kinda fun...i ran across this on Love Haters blog.....

Dilemma

i need a new screen saver....i usually throw a picture of myself up on there...i also recently took a personailty disorder test that said sumthin about me being highly narcissistic...LOL...not that i care...my friends have been telling me that for years...BUT....i do want something new...i had decided on Donell...but now i dont know cause i am really liking Mos Def too....





OR






life must be going pretty well if this is my only dilemma.........then again, it is only monday.......

Only in Michigan?

i had a rather amusing conversation with my boy derek last night....dont ask how it all started because im not sure...i do know he is the reason that that montell jordan song 'lets ride' will not stop playing in my head...if he wouldnt have sang the darn song a good 5 times last night i would be so much more settled right now...lol

but during the convo we started talking about how parties and clubs dont play music like they used to....there are no slow songs...ever...just the radio rotation with probably a little break in the middle for some reggae....

there is no slow dancing anymore...no more "its time to talk about taking you home now cause the place is about to shut down" type music....

so we started thinking is it only a michigan thing...we are both from michigan although we didnt meet until we were in college in atlanta....but we compared notes and realized we both had the same experiences with music and also noted that our michigan friend who DJ'ed a lot of parties we went to in atlanta always brought the michigan flavor....

this is what we noticed....in michigan whenever we went to dances...there was a certain format/sequence that could always be followed by whoever was DJ'ing the party:

first - the DJ would play all the popular songs that were on the regular radio rotation

second - he would really get folks riled up by spinning some mid-west stuff, ex. Jit, Perculator..the music where all u could do was feel the beat, and DANCE, even if u started dancing by yourself i guarentee by the end u had a partner...now this is the time where the party could get really raunchy (since my mom chaperoned every single party i went to that was not the case for me)...

third - at the end of the dance the last maybe 5 songs would be slow grind type songs...the real sultry songs that would give u the chance to simulate the deed your mama and daddy did to bring u into this world....the ones where u would ask for, or be asked for, your number...being that we were in high school it was a little more innocent than college...u didnt go home with anyone because most likely your mama was coming to pick u and your girls up...or was already waiting outside for you and you couldnt take to long to get out the place because u didnt want you mama to have to park and get out..that would mean some real hard embarrassment for you...

now...that was michigan...and those were FUN....maybe its because we were a lot less innocent then when we were in college...but it was a time when u could cool out and just chill at the end of the party....the wind down time...

there is no more wind down time now....its all bang, bang, bang, bang....get hype! get hype!

so then we started talking about our DJ friend in atlanta and how he brought that michigan flavor with him...he threw some of the BEST loft parties while i was in school...and i loved that i got in on the friends and family free free disount....

and although he probably didnt play as much Jit and Perculator he mangaged to throw a little in from time to time....but what he always did....he always had the slow set at the end...songs like Anywhere by 112 and T-shirt and Panties by Adina...and this one thumper of a grind song that i cannot recall the name of right now but it had one hell of a melody....

if i may reminice one mo' 'gin...one time me and my college boyfriend, cornell, had had another one of our famous fights over nothing in particular, as usual....and of course we ended up at the same party, as usual...eyeballing each other on the dance floor but not really having any words for each other...

((oh and yeah another thing about these slow times was that the lights went REAL dim, almost black , at this party with my ex there was a blue light in one corner and a red one in another corner, and the loft was packed from wall to wall))

so anyway my boy threw on this slow banger of a song...and i was on the dance floor and he was on the dance floor...MMMMMAAAAAAANNNN......all was forgiven after that dance....OOOKKKKKAAYYY.....it was just like yeah BOOM we back...the dancing was just so sensual and erotic that we HAD to make up....

but anyway...so me and derek were speaking on the phone like where are those songs? and how come there is no more slow dancing anymore....

i also remember derek and my boy justin (another MI representative) threw a house party...and of course it was dark...and i remember me and derek getting kind of close against the wall, just dancing yet it was slightly arrousing....i saw him in a whole new light after that...or it could have just been the drinks were kicking in...HA..i hope he doesnt read this....but u know house parties, it got broken up a few songs later...

so we were wondering is it just a michigan thing? just the chill slow dance time at a party? does anyone still do that or is it just dead and gone....and all we have left are the memories...

derek said he was going to throw a party...and it was going to be a nice michigan style party..lots of dancing, and a slow set at the end...id love to attend that.....grab a nice drink, kick back and just dance all night..have my girls around me and my boys there too...meeting new people, singing, dancing...and just having a good time.......

i really have to move.....LOL....

i HAVE to have this.....

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

and the violinist keeps playin...

i had a friend i hadnt talked to in months....we kinda stopped talking around his birthday...i thought he was mad at me and then i got mad cause how he gonna be mad at me and not tell me he is mad at me or why he is mad......well turned out he was not/is not mad...he was just at a point in his life where he needed to pull back from a lot of people...and internal struggle..and i can respect that...i swear i go through a new one every other week...

we saw each other homecoming and it was awkward...but we made it through...so last night - the night when i swore i was going to go to bed at a decent hour so that i could get enough sleep to be at work at 7 a.m....yeah well he called and we had a good 2 hour convo...discussed what was going on in our lives...changes...things that have stayed the same...it was good...it felt really comfortable...there was no weirdness...thats cool...he was one guy i could always chill out with, hang out and have a good time and not have to worry about my safety and i always had a good time....so it was good to reconnect...i have my friend back....i even talked to his mam for a quick sec...i think he is going to call my mama soon, she has been asking about him...i know she is going to give him the 3rd degree..

that the one thing about my fam...if you come to the house just once u r family for life and folks will check up on you...

i get to work this morning and my coworker offer me a bag of what looks like some flour and water mixed together..she then hands me a piece of paper...its Amish Friendship Bread...u have to mash the ingredients in the bag for like 10 days and then add some other ingredients in a few days....and eventually bake...its sounds kinda cool...i heard the bread is really good...im on day 2..so i gotta few days before i can do anthing with it....i guess the yeast rises in the bag...that will be fun to see and finally eat....now i just have to maintain my patience...

i finished reading Assata: An Autobiography...its about assata shakur, the black panther party, her childhood , her trials and finally her escape to cuba...its really well written and very interesting...near then end she writes something that i really liked:
"Dreams and reality are opposites. Action synthesizes them."

i cant wait for tomorrow...im so excited...im going to wake up, grab a new book my mom bought me when i was at home and read until i either go back to sleep or get hungry enough to move...

stuck...dammit...

so how do i get over writers block?

ive been yakking away on this blog and another blog of mine.....but that doesnt count.....

i feel like my ceativity is gone.....

i cant write....i feel like i shouldnt even claim to be any kind of writer......

i feel like i have no skills....

nikki giovanni usually inspirres me....so im tryin to read and let her do some magic...motivate me....

but i shouldnt need motivation right?

dammit....this sucks....

i dont feel like i should push myself, force some words out.....but i dont feel like i should be waiting around hoping some idea sparks something....

i need to be proactive....like diddy....refresh my sexy....

dunno....

im all consiptated...literally and figuratively......but some bran flakes, and an apple will clear that up...i cant stand laxatives...thats punishment...but i need one for my brain....

a brain laxative....

hmmm...

i would be a millionare....

dammit....

now im hungry....

in more ways than one...

i wanna write...i wanna write somthing that not garbage....

i wanna feel creative again....

so what do i do? i hate complainers who dont do anything to make their situation better...all they do is talk about their problems....that shoo aint gonna help solve it.....

oh shyt, thats me at the moment...

well i gotta do sumthin then...

dammit....

Weekend trip home...

i went home this weekend to see my family...my grandma celebrated her 86th birthday and we had a little party for her...i love my grandma, she is so fiesty with such a quick wit...and a deep faith and spiritual base...i love her so much...she is so strong and vibrant...even when she is not feeling well she has this sparkle in her eyes that lets u konw she is still right there with you...so Happy 86th Grandma...

my mom and i went to the mall and clowned folks then went and grabbed some food...we bought some videos and we watched Beauty Shop and Hitch over the course of the weekend...i dont think she liked Hitch too much....she was like u can take that DVD with you...lol...my mo is a youner version of my grandma...fiestier even...i realize that i grow to be more like her everyday....when i was a teenager my bro used to clown me my saying "dang u just like your mama" but now i take that as a complete compliment...

my dad was chillin this weekend too although he stays busy...my mom and i went to this new church he plays organ for on sunday morning before heading to our church...he wanted us to hear the choir he directs sing....and since i had never been there he wanted to pretty much show his daughter off..lol...the choir sang nicely...my mom said when dad started there wre only 8 people in the choir well now there are about 18...im so proud of that man...i love me dad to pieces

that then there is my brother...i love him too....he really looks after his little sis...its funny to look back and talk about how we could not get along in high school we used to fight...im talkin swinging, punching just tryin our hardest to hurt each other...but now we have so much respect for each other and we are each others support systems...i really look up and admire him because he is my big bro..and i know that he will always be there to look out for me...and i will look out for him...he is looking for a new job and has a couple companies interested in him so he should know by the end of the week what position he is going to take where...i think my bro is incredibly talented and smart and will go far because he is humble and intelligent...

although i love and miss my family everytime i come i rememer why i left....its not a place i want to be...it was a great place to grow up..but now its not the place for me...i feel disconnected slightly when i come home...i dont call folks i used to hang with because we are so different now those friendships are only memories now it seems...me and the people i used to hang with dont have much to talk about anymore...sad but that is life....we have grown apart...and maybe its is all me...i just feel different..the things that used to interest me dont anymore and the places i used to hang out..well r not there or if they are im not really trying to go...it doesnt feel like home has grown....but i have...

on monday before i left my mom found out that she has diabetes..she figured she might but hearing it confirmed by the doctor made her break down...i hate seing my mother cry...it is the worse feeling in the world to see that woman break down...it really hurts my heart....i tried to talk to her...but im probably not the most comforting person in the world....but she sat for a minute and she felt better after a while...i told her im going to help her....however i can...my dad is daibetic so she knows a lot about the disease and the things she should and should not do..but she is just overwhelmed on top of her diagnosis another doctor told her she needs a complete knee replacement...and she said she just cannot do it right now....she is tired of the pain but i just dont think she is ready for more and she needs to take some time beofre agtreeing to it..i told her id be there for her and tell me when id take the days off and id be there with her at the hospital (and i detest hospitals) and at home...
i also told her she needs to start changing her eating habits..i started really small by throwing out her bottle of vegetable oil and telling her to go get some olive oil or canola oil...i almost threw out her white rice but she gave me a look so i let it go...but she will be eating brown rice soon if i have anything to do with it...im going to research diabetes...my dad is a pro and handling his disease and i hope he helps my mom, i know he will he has more willpower someties and can motivate her...i wish i had the money to just go out and buy all new groceries for their house...one day....i wish i lived closer so i could take care of her...i havnet given up the dream of one day buying them their dream house.....right near me...whever that will be...

it was a good weekend though...my family always makes me feel good....i just need that affection sometimes...their is so much value in just a small hug or kiss when u havent had one in a while....

NOVEMBER...

so i am pretty sure this is my 100th post since i started this blog last november....its been a year....i cant believe i kept it up this long...i thought i would flake out halfway through..but im glad im still going...thats cool, it feels good...i was thinking well what have i accomplished since the start of this blog...because sometimes it feels as if life has been at a stand still but other times it feels like i cant slow down enough to catch a breath....
so a quick run down:

got rid of some toxic people in my life
met someone although i have no clue where its going
went from just a reporter to a reporter/editor/designer
made a few new friends
really settled into living by myself - and liking it
became a lot more independent
got into a couple car accidents
got a new car
drove to atlanta by myself for the first time
reconnected with old friends
got a editing fellowship in reno and loved it
read some new books
bounced my first check(s)
almost learned how to budget
started mentoring
joined a couple professional associations
celebrated my 24th b-day...without my fam and friends
began eating better
started cooking
almost started exercising regularly
met some cool internet folks


i am looking back over my blog and over my last year...and im feeling restless again...i dont think i did as much as i wanted...i have been lazy...and i want to change that...starting with trying to find a new job....i love where i work but i know i cant stay here....the job search is working on my last nerves...but i havent given up...i cant give up...but im tired....i feel like i have so much more to do....and i am impatient because im ready to make moves but my time hasnt come yet...and as spontaneous as i think i am...i need stability and i need to be sure that im not jumping into things without thinking them out...i feel like i need a change in my life...i think i am still struggling with my purpose....feeling stagnate....not quite out of control but not really in total control....but im still here..this blog is still here and when things do happen for me ill chronicle all that too....

Homecoming...To the Good Life part duex

the fire marshal shut the party down at 1:30....1:30...DAMN....it was just starting to get crazy up in there and i hadnt even gotten a chance to dance much...D had just bought a bottle of Cris and a bottle of Grey Goose....it was good he didnt open them in the club....we all came to the consensus that we were going to meet over D's for an afterparty....

but oh so while me and pru were chillin we met justins crazy nephew Carlos...oh lawd....this man is a nut....and he hung out with me and pru half the night...he is so raw...straight form Detroit, as were most everyone in the room...my Michigan people, we always stick together...but the Detroit folks i had gone to school with had been in atlanta so long the edge was gone and they are slightly bougie...Carlos wasnt...lol...he had me laughin all night...and he decided that he wanted to ride to D's with me and pru....cept he cant keep his head out the window talkin bout folks who r on the street..i was like oh lawd my car is gonna get shot up cause this crazy fool...so we run downtown pick up tootie and her girl and ride out to D's.....

we get to D's and this fool carlos is still loud as hell....we are all loungin around the living room and i see D taking wine glasses back to his room....then he whispers to one of the boys...slowly one by one the boys in his inner cirle trail back to his room so i go over and holler at pru and the girls talkin about the night...when one of the guys comes out and tells me to come back to the room...i like aiight...i was curious as to why they were back there anyway...so i get back and D had opened the bottle of Cris and was pouring everyone a glass...it took me a min to realize i was the only chick in a room of about 8 guys..i also realized this was the crew...i was like oh damn, i guess i am part of the inner circle too...i was like an honorary homeboy...lol...but i had been with all these folks from freshman year and we had a bond, it was cool...then pru knocked on the door cause she was curious too...so they ushered her in, gave her a glass and D made a toast ...glasses clinked and down went the Cris..it might sound corny, but it was nice...real chill...

then Carlos enters...LMAO...crazy ass...sentimental mood over and its back to a party...until tootie comes in and wants to go home..guess she wasnt having good time...cool, ill take her home....so i get up to grab my shoes...and run into justin..literally...im 4'11 this dude is 6'6...i just about bounced off of him...he gives me a big hug...and i hug back...no words said...we have an understanding we r cool...i did open my mouth later and threaten him though real quick let him know that he cant get rid of me and next time we have issues we need to speak....so we r cool, still not the same but a little better....so carlos decided he wants to ride with me to take my girl and her friend back...thats cool...justin looked at me and was like is it aiight...i was like i can handle him he its cool....plus it was late it was probably a good idea to have a dude ride with us..even though he was drunk as hell....

so i take tootie back we hug...and me and carlos ride back to D's...of course he has to pee real bad made me stop at a closed gas station...dude peed on the pump!....it was crazy.....there are so many Carlos moments from the night but i would never finish this if i wrote them all....

got back to D's and folks were leaving...i was like i always miss the good stuff...lol..i went back to D's room and he was passed out on his bed and pru was sitting next to him so of course my behind crawls onto the bed too...me pru, D's bro and another guy friend were up til 7 in the morn just talkin...every so aften D would start snoring loud so we would turn him and keep talking.....

finally me and pru go home...get in the bed...no washing make up off or nuthin and crash...my first good sleep since thursday night....it is now sunday morning....i think i had 2 hours sleep within that time period....but we sleep til 2..i get a couple calls from D but i was knocked out....so i hollered back at him, him and some of the crew were at Jock and JIlls a sports bar in Cobb Galleria...so pru and i ate leftovers from lunch the day before along with our cheesecake that we bought and couldnt even eat, got dressed and rode out to the sports bar....it was a nice sunday..my last day in atlanta....we stayed at the bar until about 8 pm just talking about the weekend and business, life, jobs, etc...D followed me and pru to her place and the 3 of us chilled there for a few hours..then he left...

the next morning i got up and drove home...got a text message from justin to call when i made it in..yeah we r back tight....also got calls from pru, D, my mama and drea....Carlos called and said hit him up if im ever in detroit anytime soon...i was like how did he get my number...but its all love...i thought justin gave it to him but then i realized that he had my phone for a nice amount of time on saturday he probably called himself.....

but it was a great weekend...and this is the abridged edition...i know right.....i ended up losing my voice and it is just now getting back in order...went down to homecoming...and i never made it home (spelman)...oh well maybe next year...

Homecoming...To the Good Life...

its been a week and some change since i made my trip down to atlanta for Spelman/Morehouse homecoming...it was my first time driving more than 5 hours by myself..it was an 8 hour trip and it went very smoothly...the mountains in tennessee were lovely i actually had to make myself slow down cause it was fun taking the turns speeding down the mountains...
i was supposed to meet up with my 3 best friends and we were going to have a weekend full of fun but my best friend in NY couldnt come down because plane tickets were crucial...so it was just me pru and tootie...
so i got to atlanta around 7ish and made it to my pru's apartment...i was so happy to be back in my town...it felt so much like home...i swear my energy was renewed once i got into the city...not that that was a problem anyway considering i had 2 drinks from starbucks, a coke and a took a couple excedrin (they have caffeine) on the trip down...and i never have that much caffeine in my system...

so i get to pru's spot and we run out to target to grab a few things and then we come back to her place shower, get dressed, stop by the ATM then drive downtown to pick up tootie at the hotel where she was staying....and we roll out to Visions..i hadnt been to Visions since our senior year black and white affair and they had totally gutted the place out and remodeled it, it was cool because now there were more dance floors...on the way to the club i had been texting my boy rico, he is like a big bro to me, and he was meeting us there with his brother....so we get in the place and head straight to the bathroom....why do we always head straight to the bathroom?...dunno...but we scoped the place out and found rico...i love that man he is such a good guy, he has always been the homie and has always looked out for me, and i met his younger bro who is a little cutie too....rico hooked me and tootie up with a hen and cran and then split, lol...said he had some dancing to do...cool...me and the girls made our way to one of the other dance floors and worked it out...ended up running into an old classmate...she was a little XTRA huggy...but it was cool we exchanged info and kept on dancing....ended up dancing all night in stiletos...my feet were numb and my thighs were burning by the time we left.....it was great...lol...

on the way to droppin tootie back off i got a call from my boy derek, said he was driving in from work (he lives 2 hours away and works nights) told me and pru to meet him at his place....i was like cool, i havent seen him in 2 years and i was still wide awake (and im a sleeper so that is highly unusual) but i told pru 'girl we r only going to be there for 30 min'...she like cool...so we ended up getting to his place a couple minutes before he did...he pulled up and got out the car me and pru were like no thats not D...cant be...that dude is kinda hot...but then this negro ran to the darn car and pretty much came through the window giving us hugs....same ol D....so we went up to his place and went through some photo albums and then got a tour of the place ending up in D's room.....me and pru jumped on the bed and D turned on a movie...30 min turned into 2 hours which turned into 10 am...LMAO...we stayed there all night...talkin and chilllin watchin videos...both of them dozed off a little but i was still wired so i just watched some more tv...

so it is now saturday morning and me and pru head back to her apartment....we are suposed to be meeting up with folks at the tailgate.....mmmhmmmm, well plans dont always work like that....right when we were going to leave the phone company called and we had to wait for the guy to get there to do something to pru's phone....and we still hadnt eaten i had a sandwich around noon on friday and here its is 1 pm on saturday and i still have not slept or ate anything...so me and pru had to run back to target after the phone guy left then we ran to DSW then we fianlly got sumthin to eat at Cheesecake Factory...now its after 3 and tailgate started at noon and the game started at 2...and me and pru are like ummmmm....its nap time...so we went back to her place and went to sleep...we slept for a good 2 hours when my phone rang....and we both woke up....we chilled around the house for a sec and talked then it was time to get ready to go out again....some guys i went to school with were throwing a 'young alumni' party at this club in midtown called Cherry..and we were gong to be there...lol...and we made it there by 11 and we got in free..so we were feelin that....my boy D had been keeping up with us through the day and we were meeting him there....i knew my boy justin was going to be there...we hadnt spoke in about 8 months...and when we saw each other things were kinda tense...i was perturbed at him and he was probably pissed at me...anyway this negro decides to give me a handshake...DA HELL...i mean me and him have been through a lot, we were homies and i get a handshake..so that pissed me off more...

i turned and walked away...i was on the balcony cause it was hot inside with all the people and i was on drink number 2...i needed some air....just so happens D calls me while im on the balcony, tells me and pru to stay there he is coming up...he gets there grabs my hand and leads me and pru back inside..i was like cool D is buying some drinks....but we passed the bar so i was like umm okay where are we going...turns out D and justin and the crew had the VIP room on lock as soon as me and pru get in there it is like a reunion ..i see quite a few of my boys and they were all doing big things...and so it was real chill sat around talking...this one dude with stank breath was trying real hard to get some...ummm NO....he even said some lame line about licking me from my neck to my kneecaps...i laughed...i was like please (insert eye roll here)....and went on to chill with some other folks...oh did i mention i made a drunk dial call to my man friend when i went to the bathroom...yeah....dont remember that convo...HA

getting the gang back together...

plans r in motion...hopefully i will be hanging with the girls by friday night...
its been over 2 years since all of us were in the same spot at the same time...
im still not totally believing it yet but if the last pieces come together...

what if's...i hate "what if's"...although i fill myslef up with a new "what if" every day...but i need a break and i need to smile and i need to get away from my thoughts so hopefully this "what if" will work itself out...

and if me and the girls DO get together...its gonna be scary...and exciting and the men better watch out...HA...

i better shut up now...dont want to jinx it all

gotta go make some calls...or not

resentment...

i went to an awards banquet last night at the request of one of the VP's of the foundation that sponsored my journalism fellowship a couple years ago...she called me up a month ago and told me she was going to be in town for this banquet and asked me to be her guest, not like i could really say no since she is one of the people responsible for me being where i am right now...and she is a nice women we get along well...

it was a typical dinner...and i was pretty much questioned by various people at the university regarding who is was and why i was there..and then i reply and they say "oh wow thats great"...followed by more questions...me making some generic comments like "wonderful", or "oh really " or asking some mundane question that i really didnt want to know the answer to and giving the smile and nod...as a few friends of mine would say i was doing the "clipty-clop" the horse and pony show..
but the VP did introduce me to some exec. editors at a couple papers and some good contacts... so it wasnt all a waste..plus the food was actually good...

after the dinner there was a lecture given by a pulitzer winner...at first i thought it was going to be a lot of "i did this," "i did that," and "thats how i got here" type of lecture..and a lot of it was but she also made a few good points about journalism and writing and i kinda wished i hadnt left my notebook in the car...

i do remember one thing that stood out to me, the presenter said "resentment is drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die."

and that stuck with me because i know as much as i dont want to and try to tell myself that i dont, i hold a lot of stuff in, anger, sadness, pain, just junk...and i tell myself that thats why i write to get that stuff out...but that doesnt always work, sometimes writing it down doesnt do anything especially when that person never knew how u affected them...there are numerous people i have let slip away and never told them how i felt and i still have that stuff inside...and its really not good..but part of me knows that for some its too late to tell, i will never speak to them again...and yet i still resent certain pain they have caused in my life...and then there are some people in my life who i can still reach out to and let them know what i am thinking and feeling and i havent....and i need too..but its hard...i talk a good game...always have...always will...but i know im at a breaking point where i need to let go...and keep letting go...

hopefully i will get it all out before the next person leaves my life and i am let holding onto words i never got a chance to say...

it all turnt out ok...

i got my money back...all 475 dollars of it...
after filling out the paper work and faxing back to my credit union they deposited the money that someone had taken back into my account...
im still not sure how someone in hong kong got my debit account number or if the culprit is really in hong kong...
ill be getting a new debit card hopefully by tomorrow and the old debit account has been terminated...
now im really concerned about how i use my card because i use it all the time, and i pay all my bills online and since i dont know how my info got out there im considering using snail mail to send my bills in...
and i am also going to be careful how i use my new debit card when i get it...
im glad my bank gave me a call an were concerned about my account...and hey worked pretty fast to get my money back into my account...

one less stressor off my shoulders...

i got together with the ladies i went to the lotus festival with last night, we got together to watch the how lost and have a couple pina coladas...im not a big pina colada fan but those tasted pretty good...i told them if they ever want to get together and do it again my apartment is availble, i just need a little notice so i can get all my clothes off the floor...and give the place a quick clean up...

tomorrow will be another long day, at least the morning will..i have to be in to work at 7 a.m. because i have to finish putting together the front page of the paper and the front page of the sports section , those are the sections that take the longest to put together and need the most editing...its good experience though....

had an intersting convo over email with my girl pru regarding school loyalty and having expectations of self and others...i wont hash the whole thing and pru and i have agreed to disagree on a few things...we both have a way of looking at things and they are very different...i think we are friends because we balance each other out...it was a really good convo because we are also getting to know each other as more than just students...we are finding common ground and having conversations that arent just about reminiscing on old times, because we did have some fun experiences...but it kind of showed how our friendship is evolving...we are learning about each other as women who are both working and struggling to find our places in the world..i can see us leaning on each other and supporting each other...i like those kinda of convos with my girls...it doesnt make them seems as far away....

speaking of friends....

memo to 'drea: imma need you to call your folk....you have been MIA all week...

thats all for now....the week is almost over...i think i can make it...although i still have to be up early on saturday for a meeting...some weeks it feels like it will never end, and some others just fly bye...this week has def been dragging...

chapters...

chapter 1: no more early mornings
today i started my new shift at work. the news department decided at our editorial meeting last week to stagger shifts. i said i had no problem working the 11a.m. to 8 p.m. shift. it would give me a chance to do more page design and editing. so thats what i started this morning. it was great not having to wake up at 6 a.m. to be on the road by 7 and at my desk around 7:30. i woke up this morning 3 times, im actually not used to getting that much sleep at night during the week. i now realize i am going to have to stay up later, which is going to be hard considering i actually like being in the bed by 10 p.m. so now im going to try and stay up til 11, shoo maybe even midnight...although i doubt i can make it til then. i got up this morning and was able to exercise for almost 30 min, tae bo is killing me, i can never make it to 30 minutes but im getting closer, im in the mid 20's. i had time to sit down and check my email, eat some cereal and watch some tv. i hope these late nights arent going to wear me out, i am going to be missing the beginning of my 8 o'clock shows.

chapter 2: stolen identity
i am on a very tight budget for the next couple weeks. VERY tight. so i have been checking my bank statement online every other day to make sure all my debits and checks are coming in and nothing is going wrong. i dropped off my rent check this morning and then drove to work. i was at work for a while and decided to check it to make sure i knew the exact amount that would be in there after the deposited my rent. well i saw that my balance was about $100 less than what it should be so i clicked a few screens and discovered about 5 charges that were made in HONG KONG. now, ive never been to hong kong, dont know anyone in hong kong and havent ordred anything from hong kong. someone had gotten my card number and bought who knows what, i really wasnt sure of the places that were charged. then i remembered my mom calling me this weekend saying the credit union had called me at my parents house, i guess i never updated my phone number. so i figured that the fraudulent charges were what they were calling about and i gave a call back. turns out that that hong kong charges were the reason for the earlier phone call. so they are faxing me some forms to fill out and sending me a new card. so no more worries. i wonder how my card number was accessed but im not trying to dwell on it since the issue is being resolved.

chapter 3: death in the family
right after the debit card issue my mom called and told me my aunt in north carolina had passed. she is actually my dad's aunt. we all knew it was going to be soon for her she had alzheimers along with a list of other ailments. my parents had driven down to see her last month because they knew it would probably be the last time they got a chance to visit with her. im not shaken up by this, i guess because her death did not come as a sursprise. and also because i am a strong believer in God and i know that she is in a better place, pain free. i do hope that her daugther is going to hold up okay. they were always so sweet to me. i love my aunt and my family and i know we are going to be fine. i am worried about my dad, i havent spoken to him since my mom told me the news. i hope he is going to be okay, i love him and hate that he feels any pain. but he is a calm, patient, loving man and i know my mom is there comforting him. i think i might travel home soon just so i can be around them and my brother for a little while. i miss my family a lot.

Im Tired...

life can be really be discouraging sometimes...im trying...but im tired....

Jill Scott - Across Your Bread

one of my fav poems from this book is actually the first one...

Across Your Bread

Im juss gon say what i need to
juss gon put it on the tablee
and spread it across your bread

as much as i didnt want
i have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love wit every molecule of
you

the walk on you
the way you out then in breathe
simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin' and my kness beggin' to part
i do (shakin my head up and down)
i do
love everything about you
all that makes you you
and what i do not know, i swear i will love too
if you just show me

i know it's crazy but i swear
my heart dooesn't pump blood
when you are not near me
i juss walk my way through life comatose
till i hear my name in your key
i juss stay
hoping, wishing, praying for the moment you say it's cool for me to
give you what i got
cool for me to give you what i keep
cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples
and the pears but you don't
won't
accept it then accept it then return it
my logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
my feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing

don't you see?
i'm willing
willing
to go that extra continent
willing
to carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
i am plcing myself on the table
spreading myself across your bread
so, say something
it's your move

Lostus Festival 2005

i went the Lotus Festival over the weekend..it is a international cultural music festival...i had such a great time going, i went with a few reporters from my newspapers sister paper...and we had a great time, and i had the best raspberry cosmo at this place called the Crazy Horse (and it was only $3)...The festival is held annually downtown...you pay for a bracelet which get you in all the venues over the weekend...i went thursday and friday night and saw so many musicians...so here is a little recap of the groups i saw...


the Wailing Jennies is a folk group from canada..im not much into folk music but these girls had some really nice harmonies and a few really nice songs...


Ruthie Davis was AMAZING...she is a singer/songwriter from Texas and has this really souful voice and she does this mix of soul and gospel...she was very big on crowd interaction and had folks singing along with her and some were even up dancing in front ot the stage...


Tlan Huicani is a group out of Veracruz who play traiditonal Spanish music...they played this one ballad with a harp that was wonderful...


Lura and her band from Cape Verde was wonderful...she sang in French and had the crowd up on there feet the whole time...the crowd really went wild when she did this booty shake....she was gorgeous in this orange dress and just looked so comfortable on stage...


Mamar Keasey is a group from Niger and they sounded really good, although we didnt stay long because there was another group starting that we had to get too..but the 2 women backup singers/dancers really made the crowd want to get up and shake sumthin....i enjoyed the group, what i didnt enjoy was the goofy looking white guy who kept smiling back at me...


Balkan Beat Box turnt it out at this club called the Bluebird....i didnt think they were going to be that great but they really did it up...got a couple of the girls i was with shaking it on the dance floor...i sat back and nursed my midori sour with another girl i was with...they mixed their live music (sax, guitar, drums, trombone) w/ electronica..they held it down nicely...the group members are from N. Africa, the Middle East and the Balkans.....the drummer was cute and decided to take his shirt off...and while he is definitely on the skinny side (not my cup of tea) he was workin what he had...


Funkadesi, a group out of Chicago got me out of my seat...and it wasnt just the sexy ass sax player with the penetrating eyes (and no that is not him in the pic, lol)....they had a really good sound and they had the dance floor packed at the convention center...


our last stop was the Creole Cowboys, a group out of Southern Louisiana...they worked it out too..the violinist had this great voice...it was funny because before they performed, we didnt know they were performers and one of the ladies i was with bummed a cigarette off one of them...they played zydeco and creole music...the guy playing the instrument that looked sumthin like a washboard was eyin me...and u cant tell me any different...we was kinda hot too in a teddy bear kinda way...

weddings...

i was layin around the house last saturday..doing absolutely nothing except munching on whatever was in the fridge and taking naps on the couch...in between all this activity i was watching one of my fav channels Oxygen....i enjoy the Living Single and A different World reruns and sometimes they have some other shows and movies that i get into...for some reason they always play this one movie with selma haiak (sp?) and the guy from Oz who was in the wheelchair...cept for in this movie he is selma's gay drag queen friend...its a cute movie though all about cooking and love....

anyway this month they are doing this thing every saturday called "2 weddings and a movie marathon" where they show a couple episodes of this reality series called "weddings from the knot" and a movie marathon with a love and/or wedding theme...although they have showed "hope floas" at least twice and although it is about love it is centered around a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair with her best friend...doesnt really make me think of love in a good way...but i guess they have to mix it up a bit...

okay so i was watching "weddings from the knot" and i saw this woman going through her whole wedding process from engagement party, to wedding dress to caterer, etc....i mean she was planning her dream wedding...and i started thinking about my dream wedding...and realized i didnt have a clue on what i wanted my dream wedding to be like...
ive heard before that women start planning their dream wedding waaaay early like in junior high...the whole "prince charming sweep you off your feet, carry you to the palace and live happily ever after" kinda dream that somehow through the Disney chanel becomes instilled in the minds of little girls early...and i admit i still own beauty and the beast and alladin...i left cinderella and snow white with my parents....

i remember sitting on the porch of a childood friends house when i was 13 or 14 and there on the porch during the summer over popcicles and pizza we would dream about marriage...for some reason we were obsessed over the colors that would make up the wedding....and for some reason i wanted white, black, teal/turqouise, gold and cream...DA HELL was i thinking?? yeah so what i DO know about my "dream wedding" is that all that tackiness will not be allowed...

so i began really thinking what do i want...well i still dont know and im not trying to figure it out....i do know i want a princess cut ring and a nice white (HA! those friends of mine reading this SHAADDUP!!) dress, not big and puffy but nice and silky all the way down with a tad of a train....i dont know anything else, i have no colors planned, i dont know the location, i dont know the bridesmaids, shoot i dont even know the groom...and whats a wedding without someone to get hitched too? well i guess its a big ass party with me in a white dress...
so one day i will have a dream ,and one day i guess i will have a dream wedding...but until then i think ill just watch some more Oxygen and look at the lovely ladies ready to take that step....

25 THINGS A SISTA SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

(got this email from my girl, thought it was kinda cute...)

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.
8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.
12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
13. Never apologize for saying NO.
14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?
15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)
21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.
23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
25. Never apologize for being you!

This weekend i...

rediscovered make up...you know Covergirl, Maybelline, M.A.C....

i was sitting on my couch watching some random tv show and flipping through my October Glamour when i realized i was slippin on the make up...i hadnt put on a lick of make up in some months...i have been so overly enthusiastic about eating better and finding a new job and cleaning my apartment and random other stuff that i kinda just left the make up behind...

this is so unusual because when my mama allowed me to begin wearing make up my senior year of high school i never left home without a made up face and those times i was running late, i had an xtra small make up case packed in my book bag so when i got to school i would run to the bathroom before anyone could see me and did my face up...when i got to college i learned real fast that its too hot in atlanta to be parading around outdoors in august heat in a full made up face..i looked like an oil slick..not cute at all...but that was a good experience for me, i let my face breathe a little and learned about natural beauty...i realized i had become too dependent on make up that without it i felt less of a woman, like i wasnt pretty if i didnt have on at least foundation, eyeshadow, mascara and lipstick...that was a trying time in my life...i was confused and my self esteem was shot....but i worked through it...part of it was going to an all female college and learning to reevaluate my perception of beauty which they reall enforced through a few classes and actually just seeing some beautiful sistas runnign around campus without a lick of make up...and after some time....i was cool, my confidence was up....it was great...i felt free....and relieved...i was still the woman to go to concerning make up, i wasnt a make up artist but i knew my way around some make up brushes and for big events i would hold a beauty salon (and bar, shhhh) in my room for my girls...and when we partied we stepped out looking good...but i use(d) make up to enhance my beauty and did not depend on it to make me beautiful....

so back to the present, i had a drawer full of make up just sitting stagnate...and for some reason i had this urge to look through it and clean it out and maybe even buy a few new items....well when i started looking through my stock of make up i noticed that most of the stuff i had had expired in 2002 and 2003....ummm thats waay past time to throw it out....i mean u are only supposed to keep mascara for 3 months before tossing it...and well lets just say all 4 tubes of my mascaras were all over a year old...so i just started chucking stuff...i ended up keeping a few eye liners, a concealer, and a lip gloss...and actually i should dump a couple of those....

i decided to throw on some shoes and role over to wal-mart because it's closer to me than the mall...i was in wal-mart for a good hour going down their 3 aisles of stuff..i had rethought out my whole make up base and had a plan....i had so many colors and tubes of stuff and i didnt use half of it...in fact ive gotten kinda conservative but i stocked up on some maybelline in nice neutral colors that compliment my skin tone, and not just what was on sale like i used to do...and im cool with it...i went home and reorganized my drawer, now i can use that drawer for clothes like it was built for...i also went out this weekend and bought some new earrings, nice dangling, girly earrings...

i decided to put some pep back in my step for fall...hopefully soon ill buy some new sweaters...i acutally ran into Eddie Bauer...i hadnt been there in a real long time but they have some real cute fall cashmere sweaters, so i picked up a catalog and i may place an order sometime...and im going to make an effort to not just run out the house in anything, i love heels have plenty of them but i swear ive been stuck in my 4 pairs of chinese slippers for at least 2 years....i dont know what happened, i just fell offf, got so comfy in my skin that i got lazy...so im making an effort to look decent, and not just for church...instead of going to work in jeans and a button up shirt....im going to throw on a litle make up and some nice clothes...so that i look on the outside how i feel on the inside......

so we shall see how long this lasts because im not a morning person and the last thing i am thinking about at 6 in the morning is applying eye shadow but i think i can do it every once in a while....

random stuff...

its funny how some folks underestimate me....shame on them...but whats also funny is how at them same time they rely on me to do so much for them and then try and micromanage...and then at the same time they are jealous when i get it done correctly...some people really look and hope that you fail...and its not so much by their words but by their actions....bacially im talkin about a couple coworkers...they really cannot stand the fact that im good at my job...on top of that they cant stand when my boss praises me and so they try and seek out praise anyway they can and then try and act superior like i dont kow anything....lol..its all funny to me but on some days it can get annoying...i think the funniest thing is that they areso transparent....

i dont let that ruin my days, because i know who i am and i have already shown them what i can accomplish, its not me with the issue its them...and i know im not being overdrmamtic because ive given them the benefit of the doubt on several occasions and now im just sitting back and taking it all in....if they only knew.....

i had such a relaxing labor day weekend, i went out of town and really just enjoyed myself...i wish i didnt have to come back to work...i coulda stayed where i was at for a long while....i was getting very comfy...lol...

i was talkin with my girl pru the other day and she said sumthin to me that was hilarious...she said "u are way to much and still not enough"...lol...that my girl, she thinks im crazy, lol...but i like to make her laugh....

i gotta proof some pages....work is calling...

Smokie Norful: Nothing Without You

there is this AMAZING song on this album called 'I understand'...i really think this song is speaking to me...listen to the song here

searching.....

im really goin hard on this job search right now, good thing copy editors are always in need, ive gotten a bite from a paper in VA, and i was excited until i began thinking.....if i get the job ill be going to another new town where i dont know anyone and i be like i am now ---> wishing i had my close girls with me....i mean for 4 years i was with my best friends almost every day and even during summer break we managed to visit each other....and now for the past year and some change it just been me in indiana by my darn self....and while i do enjoy the peacefulness and i have learned a lot about myself, i miss my girls....i mean yes we talk at least once a week but i havent physically seen any of them in over a year....

i was on the phone with my girl 'Drea, the one in NY, yesterday and we were content going through our glamour magazines together, kinda lame but it was fun, we started reminiscing about the places we used to go and hopefully we will get together soon, but i dont know since she is starting business school at the end of the month....

so i decided that im going to look for jobs in areas near them, yes it sounds kinda unconventional but considering that my best girlfriends are in new york, atlanta and north carolina, im not afraid that i wouldnt find a job....im mainly lookin around new york, new jersey, virginia and all over georgia and i am finding a lot of places i could go....i decided that i would even branch out into magazine editing because i found a few magazines that are hiring although most of my education and experience is in newspapers and id like to stay in newspapers for a little while longer before going back to school....but this is fun and exciting....for the past couple weeks i was stressing over my job and my bills and not seeing my man friend and i was getting a lot of tension headaches and my neck and shoulders were all stiff....but since i started really getting into the job searches and opening up to the possibility of moving ive began to feel a little better...although i still could really go for seeing my man friend, lol...i guess sometimes u just have to really stop worrying about the future and do something to effect it...

i even reconnected with a girl from school, we had tons of classes together since we were both English majors...i met her mentor when i was in reno at my fellowship a month ago...and then i was online and saw that her paper was hiring so i emailed her and asked what was up...she said they r trying to fill her spot cause she is moving to another paper (damn, i was hoping we could meet up) but she said that the editor of her paper is a spelman alumna, sounds good to me, that spelman connection is every where, that how i got my first fellowship....i hope one day i can look out for some grads myself...the sisterhood is crazy....but anyway i told her i would apply and we shall see what happens....im not putting all my eggs in one basket so i have my resume and clips in rotation at a few other places....

so thats it as far as my life at the moment, i have to get on the church newsletter this week, me and my boy been slackin this month, hopefully we will have it ready for print by the end of the week, i gotta do an interview for it...

i also got back into my tae bo, im lovin billy blanks, he aint much to look at but he really makes u work out...i was hoping to start working out in the morning before work, but that aint happening...so ill just have to do it after work like i been doing...

buy yeah thats about it, just hanging out with myself, dreaming big and working hard....

Words are powerful...

compliments of Random House/Roget's American Thesaurus....

black, adj. 1.dark, dusky, sooty, inky, jet-black, raven, ebony, sable, swarthy. 2. soiled, dirty, dingy, dusky, stained. 3. gloomy, sad, dismal, sullen, hopeless, dark, depressing, doleful, funeral, somber, mournful, forbidding, disastrous, calamirous. 4. amoral, evil, wicked, sinful, fiendish, inhuman, devilish, diabolic, infernal, monstrous, atrocious, horrible, outrageous, heinous, flagitious, nefarious, treacherous, traitorous, infamous, villainous.
--Ant. white; clean, pure, undefiled; happy; good, upright.

Boondocks Aug 1-6

HA....this series cracked me up......

Must Be Nice...

okay im feelin this song...and i seem to catch it almost every time i get in the car...now im not a thug, ive never had a hustle, but something about this song just makes me go "yeah it must be nice for someone to just have your back like that"...i cant wait until i have someone i can just come home to and be like yeah this is nice, this is right...i suppose my day will come, i hope soon, but ill bide my time, cant rush the good stuff...gotta be patient and let it work its way into your life...at least thats what ive heard...

Lyfe Jennings
"Must Be Nice"

[1st Verse:]
Must be nice
Having someone who
understands the life you live
Must be nice
Having someone who's slow
to take and quick to give
Must be nice
Having someone who sticks around
when the rough times get thick
someone who's smile is bright
enough to make the projects
feel like a mansion
Must be nice
Having someone who loves
you despite your faults
Must be nice
Having someone who talks the
talk but also walks the walk
Must be nice
Having someone who understands
that a thug has feelings too
someone who loves you for sho'
you just remember to never let 'em go

[Chorus:]
Even when your hustling days are gone
She'll be by your side still holding on
Even when those 20's stop spinning
and all those gold-digging women disappear
she'll still be here

[2nd Verse:]
Must be nice
Having someone you can come home
to from a long day of work
Must be nice
Having someone you don't have to show
they know exactly where it hurts
Must be nice
Having someone who trusts you
despite what they've heard
Someone as mighty as a lion but
still as gentle as a bluebird
Must be nice
Having someone you don't have to
tell you don't want to be alone
Must be nice
Having someone you can grow old
with until God calls ya'll home
Must be nice
Having someone who understands
that a thug has feelings too
someone who loves you for sho'
you never let 'em go

[Chorus]

Doing Work You Love

"One of the most important results you can bring into the world is the you that you really want to be." - Robert Fritz

i bought the book "Doing Work You Love" by Cheryl Gilmore when i found out i would be moving to indiana to start "my career" as a journalist...and i just decided to open it, so far so good...ive read a few interesting things, and most importantly, i have asked myself some important questions...

lately i have been stressing over my career moves, so much so that i have actually gotten a few tension headaches, after the last one i told myself to 'let go and let God'...i rented two Tyler Perry plays over the weekend: Madea's Class Reunion and Meet the Browns and i have to say after all the laughter i had i did take away a couple things...
1)worrying wont make anything in my life happen sooner and wont add anything to my life but actually take precious moments away and 2)ask and it shall be given to you, all you have to do is ask God and at the right moment when He says you are ready you will receive it.....its all about faith....

so i started this book and i wanted to share some of the things i had to stop and think about...

a gift is something you are born with. its something you can do thats as easy as breathing.
a skill is something you learn to do. it may draw upon your gifts.
an interest is something that draws you, that speaks to you.
an experience is an emotional or mental perception that you have or something physical that you have done.

been there heard it before, yes i know, but i kept on going...the book asked some questions i was like aiight lemme attempt to answer these....

1. What is easy and effortless for you to do? whats as easy as breathing? where and when are you doing it now? there are your gifts.

i would say reading and learning is effortless...i enjoy research and i enjoy writing (although i am feeling a little apprehensive about my writing right now.) those things have always come easy to me weaving sentences together, making something concrete that had my ideas laid out has always appealed to me. and reading has always been a joy. reading has relaxed me and allowed me to relieve the stresses of the day, one reason i love fiction...

2. What was the first thing you ever did that you thought was fun...(whatever image or thought that comes to you first is the answer.)What did you like about it? how are you doing that now? these are your gifts.

this is tough, i honestly dont know...i want to say reading again but i dont know if thats right...maybe i need to stop looking for an answer thats "right" cause im not sure if there is one...i dont know if i can answer this question but if i did go with writing, i am writing for a living although i have learned over the past year that i really enjoy editing and page design...

3. What was the first job you ever had (paid or unpaid)that you really enjoyed? What did you love about it and what gives you that same kind of feeling now? these are your gifts.

its a toss up...i enjoyed my job as the assistant manager at a retail store a couple years ago and i also enjoy the work i do now...before then it was fast food crap and babysitting...being a manager was fun, telling folks what to do, making up schedules, meeting new people, helping customers, seeing new merchandise before it comes out, hanging out with co-workers, plus i got a NICE discount on clothes and accessories...and at my job now, i like gathering the news, i like designing pages and seeing the stories i want to see in the paper...

4. Look at what you hate doing, procrastinating on or are constantly struggling with. Write these things down. Choose one thing from that list and delegate it to someone else.

dang...i procrastinate on everything...i dont like this question too much...i like having a deadline to meet so i set myself up to have deadlines..i mean im in an industry full of deadlines...but ive always been like this, throughout school i finished my papers like 20 minutes before class start, and they were good papers..sometimes i would be like whoa i dont deserve this grade...but always maybe procrastinating is a problem cause im laid back to the point where its crunch time and then i worry...

okay so i leave this exercise full of questions for myself...not necessarily with the answers to unlock my potential..or whatever...but questions are good...makes me think and eventually i will solve some things...im going to have to read some more into this book...as far as my career goes, i know im on the right track because i am doing something i love to do, but now i need to go to the next level...i need to focus on reaching my goals...many, many goals...i cant get all the answers in a book, but i can take some things and use them in life...i shall see what i can take from this...

"Do you want to be really happy? You can start by being appreciative of who you are and what you've got." "The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If...

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE"
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"...and can do
the "Carlton".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to
start a club of your own or you read all the Sweet Valley twins books then Sweet Valley High and maybe moved on to V.C. Andrews books
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom. You also know who Punky Brewster and Vicki (the robot) are.
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
10. You had plastic streamers on your handlebars... and"spokey-dokes" or
playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales " (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen...and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
17. You played the game "MASH " (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, and House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Jem was your favorite singer.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in neon colors, too)
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are,but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline
skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks/Keds
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do... gettingyelled at by "younger hip" members of the family! You even had matching scrunches
46. You remember boom boxes.. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales"
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB."
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
ZACK, SLATER, SCREECH, JESS, KELLY, LISA, AND MR. B
54. You know all the words to Bon Jo vi - "You Give Love A Bad Name"
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a banana clip
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
You used to roll your eyes and say "Well" when someone was looking at you and they would probably respond "Well, you smell go to hell Gargomel." Or the most famous, when upset the ultimate disrespect was to say "YO MAMA."
65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!!!
67. You had a key chain with one key and many different designs of lanyard: The box, barrel and snake...
68. You saw Bambi at the movies