Have a Merry Christmas.....

and a Blessed New Year!

hand me my scarf....

im cold...i live in southern california and im freezing....

i was born and raised in michigan...i love michigan for its seasons...spring is nice and fresh, flowers, sun, melting snow its starting to finally warm up...in summer it always stays around 75 maybe 80, during some extremely ambitious summers it gets to 90...fall is gorgeous, leaves turn colors, football games, hot chocolate, you get to take out your old sweaters or go buy new ones along with a new jacket, its slightly windy and stays in the 50s and 60s....winter, well, winter is cold...you wake up its 32 degrees, you go to sleep its 32 degrees, in between it dips below 0..the first snow is always gorgeous though...i love my peacoats and an excuse to buy new boots is always a plus....

so i shouldnt be in california and be cold right? i grew up in freezing temps, i should be thankful for the warmth and coziness of winter in cali...

so check this out...

i move here in feb...and was excited that i was finally in a location where it was 70 degrees in the winter...i thought i was really livin...i would throw on a t-shirt, some jeans and some sandles and go about my business...i was amazed when it hit 80 degrees in march...that was a foreign concept to me...but i relished every moment of it...i had been warned "girl, you live in the desert now, just wait"

and i waited....

and around june it hit 100....by the beginning of july the weather stayed between 110 and 116...and i was HOT....by mid july....boom it hit 120..and decided to marinate there for a while...i get into august and am not even phased by the heat anymore..in fact i noticed that if it dipped down below 100, i thought it was "kinda cool outside today"....

crazy right?

so i wake up the other day FREEZING....turn my heat to 80 (the same spot i kept my air conditioning set at during the summer) and throw on a sweatshirt...go about my routine and head out the door...i open the door and im like whooo is it COLD...went a grabbed my suede jacket...i get to the car to go wherever before work and decide to look down at the temp...its 65 degrees.....im stunned im FREEZING at 65 degrees...back in feb i was lovin the 70s now here it is a few months later and a few degrees lower and i cant handle it...i tell ya back in michigan as soon as i caught a whif of some heat i was trying to rock a skirt or some shorts....and now im bundling up...

this week i broke out my winter clothes...because well, it is winter...but never in my life have i thrown on my thick turtleneck sweater and knee high boots with a coat and been cold at 65 degrees...

im telling you my blood has gotten used to this triple digit heat...of course since i am in the desert, at night it gets down to the low 40s...but when i was in michigan, the 40s was not that cold...but now that ive settled into the california living...40 might as well be below freezing...cause im going crazy...

im going home to michigan in a few weeks for Christmas...my mama was telling me today they were expecting a snow storm....da hell? what imma do with some snow? what happens when i decide to move back east? im not going to be able to handle it...am i destined to be a cali girl for life?

you will have to excuse me...

its 2 in the morning...my girls just left after a night filled with tons of candles, sex in the city the complete series (we only got through the second season), greasy chips with french onion dip, salami (which i dont care for) cheese slices and wheat thins, an extrememly rich cheese danish, doughtnut holes and the best drinks i ever made...lets just say lots and lots of vodka, with a dash of sweet and sour mix and a tinge of lemonade....im feeling pretty good right now...clearly...i will be headed to the gym as soon as i wake up...

its been a good day off...my weekend was excellent, i am entertaining someone new in my life and dumb hasnt fallen out of his mouth yet...still slightly hiding behind my shell but giving as much of myself as i can considering ive only known him a little more than a week...

what is it about hanging out with your girls that always get you thinking about relationships? going back and forth, revealing the truths you usually keep to yourself...it feels good knowing that you can lay out your insecurities and vulnerablities to women who will hold you up and help you on your journey, no judgment..just outstretched arms and shoulders to lay your burdens and your tears...i havent had that since i left spelman in '03...love you drea and pru! wish we were all together now to experience the everyday growth...i love you both, you have always been in my corner and have always wanted the best for me...whether it was a nice pair of booty hugging jeans, or a loving man....even if he was crazy...

tonight i have been reading "for colored girls..." by ntozake shange...i should really have the whole thing memorized by now...and probably do...one of her "not-so-love" poems is stopping me tonight...its like im beginning to realize im not as strong as i think i am or wish to be...and maybe thats not such a bad thing...that whole strong back woman thing is played to the left...i am sitting in my vulnerability right now, and im dont feel bad about it or uncomfortable...fighting emotions is pointless...so im going to dwell in the fact that my feelings are on display right now and im not going to swallow them...im terrified...of liking someone...and thats okay...cause like my girl joan morgan says if some man drops the ball i can pick my ball back up and keep on stepping...it may hurt for awhile...but thats cool that just means im living...but who is to say that will happen? it may be one of the most beautifuul experiences in my life...and i will grow...and thats what life is about right? growing...loving...feeling...

did i mention the drinks i made tonight were bangin?

my cali girls are hurtin yall...and i dont know what to say to uplift them...i can only play tyler perry's "madea goes to jail" so many times before they tell me to shut it down...but im here with tissues and hugs and prayer...

this is what i got from ntozake tonight, this reminded me of our conversation:
"ive lost it
touch wit reality/i dont know who's doin it
i thot u waz but i waz so stupid i waz able to be hurt
& thats not real/not anymore/i shd be immune/if im
still alive & thats what i waz discussin/ how i am still
alive & my dependency on other livin beins for lov
i survive on intimacy & tomorrow/thats all ive got goin
& the music waz like smack & you knew abt that
& still refused my dance waz not enuf/& it waz all i had
but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of
soul & gender/ my love is too delicate to have thrown
back on my face"

sheeeshh..

video is blurry but you can make it out decently....


WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS PROFANE AND RACIAL

Michael Richards exploded in anger as he performed at a famous L.A. comedy club last Friday, hurling racial epithets that left the crowd gasping, and TMZ has obtained exclusive video of the ugly incident.

Richards, who played the wacky Cosmo Kramer on the hit TV show "Seinfeld," appeared onstage at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. It appears two guys, both African-American, were in the cheap seats playfully heckling Richards when suddenly, the comedian lost it.

The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass."

Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

The crowd is visibly and audibly confused and upset. Richards responds by saying, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

One of the men who was the object of Richard's tirade was outraged, shouting back "That's un-f***ing called for, ain't necessary."

After the three-minute tirade, it appears the majority of the audience members got up and left in disgust.

Attempts to reach Richards' reps were unsuccessful.
Link of Video here, i guess this is why there was not that many negros on Seinfield huh...
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1772645

QUESTION....

what da hell is wrong with O.J.?

something new...

you never know who you will run into in life that will make you think, inspire you or encourage you...

i was at the bar on thursday...cause that where the gang meet up to chill..relax and just goof off after work...i had my first bloody mary...and i liked it...
anyway...there was a guy there me and my girls met a few weeks ago one late night at denny's...him and his friend sat with us while we ate our greasy, fatty food at 3 sumthin a.m....well we saw him the other night at the bar and he was with a big group of guys...
the first time we met him he was grieving over the loss of his sister...she died of stomach cancer the second week in october...he spoke so highly of her, you could tell they were close and that he really missed her and was hurting...he was close to tears as we sat in the booth, my girl Marie said some real powerful things to him and it helped him put things into perspective...its funny the convos you have with people you dont know...and your words can help them move forward in their life..thats what Marie did that night...

so anyway he was at the bar the other night and he introduced us around to all of his friends...we had a good time joking, laughing, dancing to songs we picked out on the jukebox...
so i was standing next to one of his friends, this big guy with big tattoos on both arms and a bandanna tied around his bald head...i noticed he had a chain with a wedding band and ring on it..and i asked him about it..and as the words slipped from my mouth i realized this was the husband of our new friends sister...and that exactly what he said...he told me they were his wife's and she had died of stomach cancer...he said as soon as he found out she did not have long to live he asked her to marry him...they had a ceremony on oct. 1...but the paperwork wasnt filed until oct. 10...she died oct. 11...he said she died less than 24 hours after they were legally married...all i could do was give this man the biggest hug i could muster...his eyes had teared up just a little and i think he appreciated someone just listening to him...its funny how you see this big tough looking guy and he has the kindest, most sincere heart...he told me her son was taking it like a champ...

i have been thinking about this whole love thing lately...part of me is ready, another big part knows i still have a ways to go and many more things to learn before its time for me to give all of my heart to someone...and i really want to...i want to be in that place so bad..but its not my time yet..

but this man...his words touched me..he said that was the first woman he had ever loved..he told me that if he never falls in love again, the time he shared and the feelings she generated inside him when he was with her was worth all the pain he is going through now it because if only for a little while he got to feel what love felt like and what it felt like to have someone love him...

thats inspiring...you never know who you will meet on the street that will say something that you need...as my boy richy would say..thats journalism...you cant judge a book by its cover...you cant assume...anyone, no matter where they come from, or what they do can teach you a lesson...can touch you...and give you hope...

i joined golds gym this week..finally...my girls have been going for quite a while...now we can all work out together....i went to go workout on friday...i was just chillin on the treadmill, i had a high incline but i very low speed..this woman jump onto the treadmill next to me and proceeds to tell me that i wasnt maximizing my workout...she helped me to alter my workout and gave me a lot of great tips...and then we began talking...she is very interesting...originally from Ethiopia, she has lived all over Europe and the U.S...i adore her accent...she was telling me how she ran into an african-american woman who told her that African women think they are too good, that they come over to the states and turn there noses up at african-american women...the woman on the treadmill told me this was so hurtful and she couldnt believe the woman was saying this to her...she said she told her that she came to the states thinking her sisters would embrace her, show her around and teach her things and that she could teach them as well...she said black in the U.S. were born out of slavery..she said but what about your other history..i can tell you about africa..about a history you might not know...and i was like yes, yes you can...i couldnt believe that someone would say that to her...but then again...yes i can...
but we had such a great conversation while working out...from oprah to detoxing to using the word "nigga"...she said that using the word keeps us locked into the same mental slavery our ancestors fought to break us free from...she said slave masters used that word to belittle us and now here we are doing his job for him...she said our future generations will be stunted if we continue to hold onto the chains, if we never break free mentally and we continue to degrade ourselves...

see, people make you think..and its not just your friends, your family or co-workers...its the everyday people you meet on the street, on accident, that are in the same rat race as you just trying to make it to bed every night...

im open...i love keeping my eyes open...because that way i never stop learning..i never stop growing...i can never ever think i know everything or know too much...because everyday, even those times i dont even realize it..someone is opening my eyes to something new...

Flashback!!!

ill be back in a few days...i finally took a vacation last week! i went to nashville for a reunion and then drove down to atlanta for homecoming...Yes, i was a good girl...for the most part...ill holler about it later...i gotta get back to work...i took a break real quick because i needed to hear some good soulful music and decided to share...whats your fav tony toni tone song?

its been a minute...

last time i wrote i was gushing about my car...that sucker took 2 weeks to get here! i was driving around in a rental for 2 weeks...i hate rentals...but my baby is here now...im loving my impala...and i have my XM radio back so i dont have to listen to the radio any longer...i still have to name my baby...ive been on a don cheadle kick the past couple weeks but i dont think don is a cute name for a car...although don's character mouse in devil in a blue dress is now the name for something else important in my life...here's a hint, it vibrates....

pru and drea kept telling me about facebook so i finally joined the other week..if you are reading this on facebook as a note, its really my blog..i linked it to the site so it updates up every time i update my blog on blogspot...so now i have a facebook account, a myspace account, 2 blogs and im a moderator for a message board i joined 3 years ago...im def doing way too much in the online world...if you see spelangel anywhere its probably me...

so....who thinks the democrats are going to take control over the House after the next election? im editing the wire section of the paper today so ive been reading a lot of political stories...its a big section since its for sunday so ive been on the grind...my eyes almost glazed over from all the stories ive read today though...and we still have a ways to go tonight...

if anyone is in nashville, ill be there in a couple weeks...my journalism fellowship is having a reunion/training...so ill be at vanderbilt for a few days before heading down to atlanta for homecoming...so if you are going to homecoming give me a wave, ive already seen a flyer for some party at some mansion, but i dont know who dude is...i plan on hanging out that week...i have only taken one day off since i moved out to cali in february...how come it was 90 degrees the other day?

michael, yes im going to call you, ive been running around forreal but all is well over here...work has been keeping me busy, which is good...ive had a few surprises, a couple disappointments but nothing ya girl cant handle...love you!

My New Baby!!!

im so excited...my lease was up on my malibu so i had to turn my baby MJ back in to the dealership...my parents got me a good deal on a 2007 Impala where they live in Michigan...so they are having the car shipped from Michigan to me way out here in Southern California...my mama has always called me the expensive child..and i cant even lie about it i am...my parents spoil me...but im not a brat about it..but i know im blessed...although my mama did tell me ill be taking over the payments soon..not looking forward to that day...

so my new Impala is going to be a dark gray, almost black color...i have to figure out a name for it, any ideas?...my first car was Malcolm, he got totalled a few years ago, then i got MJ (stands for my fav Michaels - Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, and Michael Johnson)...yes, i know you are supposed to name your car after a woman...but hell im me, so my cars always have a mans name - i mean think about it, the man in your life is supposed to be protective, dependable, sexy not scared to get a little dirty and ready for anything you throw at him...makes sense right?...

anyway, im bubbling over with excitement...my new car is on its way, ill be going to nashville for my fellowship reunion at Vanderbilt in a few weeks and then ill be hittin up Spelman/Morehouse homecoming in Atlanta...oh and i just purchased a sweet little silver Bullet that is keeping me on cloud nine...*smirk*

cute

i got this e-mail from my girl Sevens a few weeks ago...i thought it was nice...i posted all but that part that at the end that told me i won't find true love if i don't send it to fifty-eleven people within 2 seconds...dont you hate when things say that? or some forwards will say if you send this back to me ill know you are my real friend...da hell? if you dont know you are my homie by my everyday actions then maybe we need to sit and reevaluate this here friendship...i never resend that those just out of spite...ok, went off on a tangent....enjoy...


Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

Memes - thanks G

1. How tall are you barefoot?
*5 feet 0 inches

2. Have you ever flown first-class?
*maybe one day

3. One of your favorite books when you were a child?
*it was this book call The Chosen Baby...my mom used to read me this book all the time about this couple who adopted a little boy then a little girl. she would change the names of the characters to correspond with our family...i thought me and my family had a book written about us until i learned to read and found out my mom had been substituting the names

4. A good restaurant in your city?
*i absolutely love Maki Maki...im there all the time...the manager gives me a hug when she passes the table....i mean how can you resist half price sushi?

5. What is your favorite small appliance?
*well since a cell phone isnt an appliance...although i love my Treo...ill have to say...i dont have one...is a DVR an appliance?

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh?
*my girl drea AlLWAYS cracks me up...i LOVE when she makes up new slang terms...she is hilarious....

7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?
*Let It Snow by Boyz II Men and Brian McKnight

8. What was the first music that you ever bought?
*The first tape that I bought was The Boys:Messages from the Boys...i LOVED them...

9. Do you do push-ups?
*for what? next question....

10. What was one of your favorite games as a child?
*Girl Talk..it was a board game and had this big azz pink phone and you had to draw cards and call the boys on the card with the phone and they would give you clues to figure out which one liked you...i cant believe my mama bought me that

11.What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments?
*my chicken wings, my baked chicken breasts and my spaghetti...and those canned collard greens...i can heat them up real good...

12. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
*i think i wanted to be a teacher

13. Your favorite Soup of the Day?
*Progresso Traditional Chicken Noodle

14. What in your life are you most grateful for?
*my family, my friends..I LOVE YALL

15. Have you ever met someone famous?
*well ummmm, my friend Jamuary looks a little like p.diddy if you close one eye and bend your head to the left about 30 degrees..i met lil jon before he blew up...back then he was just some pitiful looking dude trolling the AUC with locs that needed to be touched up

16. Date Of Birth?
*July 11, 1981...write it down...

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
*1. im bout to get in the bed when i finish this thing
2. why am i watching queer eye for the straight guy right now
3. i wonder if i can find that Girl Talk game

18. Three people you're thinking about right now:
*1.andrea
2.my bro Alex
3.D.B.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink
*1. Lipton Diet Green Tea, citrus flavor
2. FIJI water
3. Tropicana OJ w/ fiber
4. Starbucks green tea lemonade
5. Magnisium Ciltrate (keeps ya regular)

20. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news?
*well i work at a newspaper...im constantly on the wires

21. Current hair?
*i just got this cute cut...im growing my hair out and this lady shaped it real cute so it looks good while it growing...i really cant explain it...

22. Current worry?
*i gave my worries up to God a while ago...im pretty content

23. Current hate?
*ummm...none really...well it was humid today...but thank God it only reached 105..

24. Favorite place to be?
*whereever my family and friends are...

25. Least favorite place to be?
*i dont have a place, i love going to work, i love being at home

26. Do you consider yourself well organized?
*yeah, everything has it place

27. Do you believe in a afterlife?
*ya goin up or ya goin down....

28. Where do you think you will be in 10 Yrs?
*have no clue...possibly back in atlanta...maybe texas....maybe east coast...no matter where i end up i know ill be successful...my dream is too edit books, maybe ill be doing that or i may still be in newspapers

29. Do you burn or tan?
*funny, ive actually gotten darker since ive been in california...i even had to get a darker foundation..but burn, naw man

30. Who was the last blogger you hung out with?
*not tellin

31. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future?
*Very optimistic

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
*i took this week off..so its been since saturday...where i sipped a margarita..didnt even finish it...

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
*none, i use my shower time to day dream

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid?
*i thought there was a witch in my closet so i had to make sure to shut the door

35. What’s in your pockets right now?
*do panties have pockets cause thats all i have on...but if i was wearing something with pockets id probably just have some lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
*i shared quite a few laughs today with co-workers..we always have a good time at work, even on deadline

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
*dunno....

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
*never been injured forreal...had some whiplash after an accident a couple years ago..

39. Favorite song?
*if its R&B, i love it..im a slow jam kinda girl

40. How many TVs do you own?
*i have two in my apartment and one back at my parents house...well, actually they bought that one but i have the remote for it out here with me...go figure

41. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them?
*i say i love you to someone at least once a day...no telllin how many...

42. Last person that made you blush?
*i have this crazy crush on the 56 year old security guard at work..he is soooo hot...my boy D said somethin real sweet to me earlier today before work

43. Best Compliment received?
*my boy richy pointed at me the other night and told this guy that i am one of the sweetest, most down people he knows...i thought that was really nice...dont know of its the best but its the most recent...my parents did say they wer prud of me when they came to visit in july..that almost made me cry

44. What song is in your head?
*lost without you by robin thicke....i have been putting it on repeat...visiting my own myspace page and blog to watch the video

45. What is your favorite book?
*i started rereading when chickenheads come home to roost by joan morgan...i also love racism 101 by nikki giovanni, in search of our mothers gardens by alice walker and for colored girls...by ntozake shange

46. Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex?
*whoa.....its been awhile...when i went to visit derek back in feb we made turkey bacon and scrambled eggs.....he LOVES turkey bacon..he will cook and eat a whole package at one time...trying to make him stop that

47. What songs do you want played at your wedding?
*id love to have "who would i be" by kindred and of course some luther of and "you" by jesse powell...and maybe at the end of the night some mary j and method man "all i need"

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
*i dont plan on having a funeral, i told my mom to throw a big party, get a DJ and dance...remember me smiling and having a good time

49. What were you doing at 12 midnight last night?
*the local bar...one of my boys was moving...so the crew met up at "our Cheers" and had a good time

50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life?
*id like to encourage and motivate people to live life and keep dreaminig...id like to keep a smile on my face...love hard, laugh hard, and hug as many people as possible

I Love My Ladies

i was going through some kinda of withdrawal the two years i spent in indiana...i had people who i became close too...who i enjoyed talking to and fellowshiping with...but i missed my girls somethin fierce...my best friends live in mew york, atlanta, michigan, and north carolina...no where near me...i learned how to get along by myself, take myself shopping or out to eat...i learned to cherish every single phone call and visit...i am stronger for that alone time...i think God put me in the position to show me how strong i really am...
but i missed my ladies, i missed the hugs, the laughs, the spur of the moment outtings...
i have many memories, and during most conversations with my girls we always took it back and talked about what we used to do, places we used to go and the crazy times we shared...

i still miss my best ladies...there are five women out there who KNOW ME...who know my history, who i dont have to tell the things i went through because they were there with my holding my hand...and i love them...

college made me value friendships...made me realize how comforting, special and important woman friendships are...and i am BLESSED to have my ladies...

i even met ladies online who i care about...its going on three years since ive met mango and sevens, msinstyle (its so weird using ya'lls screen names)...and although we haven't "met" yet, ya'll have been good to me...yes, i dont call as much as i should...ya'll know i got issues with the phone...but i do think about ya'll and pray for yall right along with my other ladies...

after spending those years in indiana wanting, craving and needing some female bonding He moved me to california...where i was embraced immediately...
i am building relationships with women who are soo there for me...i see them at work and they offer a hug, we meet for lunches and dinners, go out to movies, hit up the mall, sit around someones place and have intimate convos over wine...just last weekend 4 of us hung out at my house drank sangrias and watched diary of a mad black woman til we all fell asleep...i know, hush...then on monday me and two other ladies ordered a table full of thai food and watched the first season of sex in the city....these women are not just co-workers to me anymore...they are friends, people i trust...its in my nature to be critical at first...especially of new people, i dont tell alot about myself when i first meet people...but im glad now that i know i can share who i am...

im also learning that friends dont come in similar packaging...going to a all black womens college, i have to admit, i was a bit biased, i love my black women soo much that i had closed myself off from experiencing other cultures, i essentailly was taking for granted the experiences of other people...but i swear i have a twin out here who is latina...that is my girl...we think too much alike...we have a great time talking and learning from each other...and im glad i took a step back checked myself and opened up to all possibilities...the world aint black and white, cant even try and live in it like it is...people are put in your life for a reason...

i realize that if i hadnt had that time to myself in indiana i probably wouldnt appreciate the connections i have made since ive been in cali...sure there are times when i need to be alone...i have learned that i need space to do me, there are days when i still take myself to lunch or movies because i truly enjoy my own company...but it feels good knowing that i dont have to be alone, i can pick up the phone and make plans...

i smile because i have discovered that value of friendship...i wish i could gather all my ladies in one room...i KNOW that would be an experience...cause all my friends are crazy...yeah, i said it, yall crazy! but i am too...and i know everyone would get along because everyone has something in common...

so anyway...to all my ladies i love yall, i miss yall...and i cant wait to see yall...drea, pru, tootie...atlanta in october?
marie, sandra, leslie, lala, valerie any plans for sunday?

Lost Without You by Robin Thicke

My girl Leslie turned me on to this song....absolutely love it!...the woman in the video is his wife...if you have seen Idlewild she may look familiar..she was Andre3000's love interest...imma send this one out to Derek....

What does your siggy say?

i was looking at my personal e-mail signature...i was thinking i should change it up but after looking it over i decided to keep it...i like it...it shows my personality...does yours?

my sig:

"the authority of the writer always overcomes the skepticism of the reader." -Nikki Giovanni
"show me a writer, any writer, who hasnt suffered and ill show you someone who writes in pastels as opposed to primary colors." -Rita Mae Brown
"work like you dont need the money, love like youve never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobodys watching." -from I Wish I had A Red Dress by Pearle Cleage
"i found God in myself and i loved Her/i loved Her fiercely." -Ntozake Shange

Because.

"BECAUSE" by TD Jakes

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to
realize what a gold mine you are,
Doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out
that you can't be topped,
Doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life,
Doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile,
Doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how much of an
awesome woman you are,
Doesn't mean they can affect your femininity.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on
your level, Doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.
Just because you deserve the very best there is,
Doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king,
Doesn't mean that you're not already a Queen.
Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing
right now, Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining, keep running, Keep hoping, and keep praying,
Keep being exactly what you are already. COMPLETE!!

a foreign concept

i was watching this show Work Out the other day on Bravo, my new fav network..and this lady says she is going to the gym to lose some weight cause her butt was too big...now mind you this woman's azz was close to being non exsistent...
maybe its just me but i never heard of a woman wanting to lose her booty...i went to school in the south and booty is beautiful and bountiful...in fact when i was in school i wanted more booty...my girls drea and tootie had nice round butts that filled out jeans perfectly, i had the breasts of the group, so they said i wasnt allowed to complain about my butt..and while my butt aint small it was the smallest of the groups...

i graduated college in 2003 and since then i have put on maybe 12 pounds...and guess what...I'S GOT BOOTY NOW!! when i get out of the shower i turn sideways in the mirror just to admire it...im so happy that i got some rump..so when i heard that on the TV i was dumbfounded...people actually want to lose their butts...i cant believe that...da hell is wrong with them?...booty is a blessing! i wouldnt mind toning up the tummy a little bit, but the booty...maybe id make it a little firmer...but smaller....why would i go do that?

so umm....am i the only one who cant relate to this slimming the booty thing? am i deranged cause i think booty is beautiful? is there something i dont know?

Ne-Yo - Sexy Love

Music Video Codes By Musicjesus.com

a lot of little things

i got to work today and three of my male co-workers that hang out with were looking at me kinda funny...one sent me an email that said i looked good today...i sent him back one that said i feel good today...one came by my desk and rubbed my shoulder (his usual greeting) and told me i was looking nice today...then he said i was looking radiant...and the other just stared, but he always does that...those guys had me blushing so hard...i dont know what it was...i didnt do anything out of the ordinary..i put my contacts in but i do that maybe once a week...i dunno they coulda just been playin aorund but thats okay...it felt good anyway...they are good guys...and i appreciate all compliments...flattery works well with me...

its not tough giving up the red meat and pork except when going to a mexican restaurant...i wanted chicken taquitos and they only had shredded beef taquitos...i miss beef tamales...i want my el pastor (pork) sincroinsadas...but pork aint poppin right now...at least i can still go get my rice milk...i LOVE rice milk...
i found that Fatburger has THE BEST turkeyburgers...i am hooked..im trying to be cool and not go there every day...especially right now cause money is tight and im trying to curb the eating out everyday...you know you spend hella money eating out everyday...

i love my playlist on my work computer....usher, destiny's child, vivian green, a little bit of tupac, angie stone, joss stone, maxwell, the love jones soundtrack, leela james, erykah badu, jamie foxx, ne-yo...and some more folks...i have hours of music on this computer...i just put it on shuffle and sit back and get to work...and if you havent experienced leela james...OH MY GOD!! she does a remake of gwen stefani's song "don't speak" that left my azz speechless...i didnt even realize it was the same song...she put some stank on it...she put this whole jazz blues feel to it...a-ma-zing!

im addicted to crystal light lemonade...the little packets...i pour the packet into my gawgeous Spelman College water jug add some water and ice and im set to do some work...and what color is my water jug...*drumroll* Spelman blue of course...yes, there is a such thing as Spelman blue (at least in my mind)...i just cant explain the color...its blue except prettier, LOL...aiight imma shut up now...

Hi Sarccastik!! *wavin* glad your back, hope the J-O-B is going great...i miss Atlanta sumthin firece...i have always wanted a loft in midtown....maybe one day...i already have it decorated in my mind...

i had ROACH in my apartment!...i have never had one all up in my area before...i had a big azz beetle in my bed last year...but i was pissed the other day...it was in my bathroom..out here they call them date palm beetles...but that was just a big ass roach...someone at work told me they come throught the pipes...OH HELL NO!!...i am a big sucker too...i am terrified of bugs...this sucker had the nerve to come into my bathroom and die...when i found it it was already dead...but i sprayed half a can of Raid on it anyway, just to make sure....then i had one of my co-workers and his girl come over after work and put it in the toilet for me...i was not about to touch it or get close....i still call my daddy when i see a spider...and he is in michigan and im in damn southern california...a good 7 hour plane ride from....but I DONT DO BUGS!!...i have this irrational fear that they are going to come back alive and attack my feet....

who saw the season premeire of flava of love? DA HELL?? the first chick beat the little chicks butt then offered her some "lip chap" DA HELL?? and the got on her knees and prayed asking God to forgive her for beating the chicks butt and then in the middle of the prayer threatened the chick with another whooping in the name of God.....DA HELL?? and then at the end ol girl decided she couldnt hold it anymore and pooped on the floor/steps...DA HELL?? and flav kept her in the house and said he respected her honesty...DA HALL?? what is wrong with the world? and what DA HELL is wrong with me for having my DVR set to record the whole season? im on crack....

and fienin for some crab legs...on an imitation crab meat budget...

i think might make some salmon patties tomorrow...

ive been missing my watermelon the past couple days...i ate all the watermelons i had in my apartment....time to stock up again....

ive been worried about bills and finances lately...gotta save, gotta save, gotta save..gotta stop buying clothes...i gotta stop worrying...it can get depressing...ive given it to God....no more worrying...im done...He will handle it...its out of my control...aint faith great? i need a t-shirt that says "Got faith?"...hmm, maybe it can be Spelman blue with white lettering...HA...anyway, i know it will all work out in the end...because i believe....*smile*

Woman

i was going to write a post about how my jeans have been fitting looser and what i think is the reason...aside from my time of the month bloat being gone and the massive amount of watermelon i have been consuming...i was also going to go in depth about how this man at trader joes called me beautiful...although i am still not sure if he was talking to me, his male partner or the frozen fish he held in his hand...ill just say he was talking about me and keep on steppin...i was also going to mention how i am fienin for king ding-a-ling to come dick me down and a couple other random things but that can wait...i got this e-mail from my girl netra today and even though i have read it before a long time ago i thought id share....enjoy...ill be back with my craziness later....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
A cordless drill, and
A black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her
Laugh...
And one
Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture
Not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over Her destiny

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love Without losing herself

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... And
WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhood
May not have been Perfect
But, It's over

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and Wouldn't
Do for love or money

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone
Even if She doesn't like it

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust, Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't Take it personally

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table
Or a charming inn in the woods
When her soul needs soothing

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month...
And a year...

heavy...

i was talking with my best friend drea today...thats my girl...love her to death...we hadnt talked in about a week so we had to catch up...not that much is goin on in my life but she doesnt mind hearing about the mundane stuff either....
so i was asking her about her weekend and she goes on to tell me that her and a group of friends went to a pool party given by a friend of her good friend and while the party 4 of the guys that came with her group left the party with the sister of her firends friend...folllow me...well the sister is slightly mentally challenged and the guys drove off with the girl and pretty much raped her..because of the disability the girl came back to the party and didnt really realize that she had been violated...my girl drove home with these dudes...i guess the next day the sister wakes up and cant walk and her family takes her to the hospital where she finally tells the family what happened...
drea tells me we went to school with these guys and she has been hanging out with them since she moved to the east coast a few years ago...she is shocked cause she never would have thought that these guys would do something like that...
she is supposed to hang with them this weekend but decided to back out..she cant tell them that she knows what went down just yet...well until the police do their thing and she doesnt want to hang with the dudes knowing they did something so horrible cause she cant keep her mouth shut and will go off and that might spoil the investigation...
i was sitting there like da hell...i was blown away, like wow i cant believe this mess...i am so glad those guys never laid a hand on my girl but i feel so bad for this woman that they took advantage of....

so then we started talking about some of the random, dangerous and dumb stuff we did while we were in school....
this one time i think junior or senior year....well i dont really remember....my friends think some guy drugged my drink cause i hadnt drank very much that night (not even one whole glass) and i cant remember hardly anything...but i dunno and since i cant remember anything whose to say...i do remember getting out of a car (it mights been mine) at a house with a bunch of steps...i remember a guy picking me up fireman style, and dropping me on my head, i remember thinkgin damn that didnt even hurt...i remember drea saying we had to leave and them getting me out of the house...aint that crazy? i dont remember driving to the house, if i drove, or even going into the house, i dont remember anything before hitting my head, i dont even remember the guys or how many guys... things coulda popped off that night and i wouldnt have known...
i remember one time 3 of us jumped in this mans car at the drive through cause the taco bell was closed and we wee hungry...he let us order and dropped us off on campus...but he coulda pulled off and took us somewhere and did God's knows what...
i also remember while we were in the car one of my girls took my other girl's pocket knife, got out the car and ran up on the car of guys in front of us screaming with the knife in her hand scaring them..they could pulled out a gun and shot her...
drea said we have been lucky, im like naw, we have been blessed...obviously we were supposed to be on earth a little while longer...
numerous times we walked around the west end at like 2 or 3 in the morning...with only our room key and some ID...
i wont even get into more of the stoopid stuff we did, cause yall might wanna slap me through the computer...im just glad im still here...
we did a lot of stoopid stuff without thinking about consequences or safety...

im glad ive grown up a little...far from grown but ive grown up....now me and the girls are all in different parts of the u.s. but we have are mutual experiences to keep us together...and we can remind each other of stuff we did just in case we are about to get ourselves in a situation...
even though i had to hear that sad story about her friends sister im glad i got a chance to talk to my girl...


random:
-i used a new shampoo and gloss today on my hair, its really working well...
-the only coast i havent lived on is the east coast i think that will be my next move, if i dont go south again...
-main reaso i want to move it to at least be near one of my girls...
-i need to paint my toenails...
-i need to review my notes from my copyediting fellowship....my brain feels like it needs a refresher...
-i notice i dont fight for relationships...wondering if i should fight more often?
-to buy blush or not to buy blush?
-the mary kay lady wants me to sell mary kay..i cant wait to tell her that stuff made my skin feel all nasty...
-men are crazy...
-women are crazy too...
-i got a lot of work to do tomorrow, think ill come in a couple hours early...
-so i can leave a couple hours early...
-i need to learn to say im sorry...thats hard for me to do...
-im so damn stubborn...
-ill work on it...
-im lookin good today...
-real good...
-midol is the shyt...
-ive watched madea goes to jail 4 times in the past week...
-and ive cried twice...
-at the same part
-be patient with me...God is not through with me yet..

birthday fun and hair issues....

my birthday week was fun...my mama says you gotta celebrate for a week...and i did...after ringing it in on top of the bar i chilled out the next day....i had planned on spending my birthday by myself and that exactly what i did...i just felt like bringing my in 25th year in solitude, with my own thoughts....i took myself out to lunch, got a pedicure, bought a couple books and a few new shirts, pretty much just spent money i had no business spending...i bought myself some gorgeous pink roses and spent the rest of the night reading, writing and watching tv...it was very peaceful....
my parents flew in on thursday afternoon and i spent some time gettign them settled..i idnt get the days off i requested so i had to work the whole time they were here but we made the best of it...we ate and did a little shopping each day...my mom bought me the CUTEST shoes...
fridays night was the big birthday party for the three of us who celebrated birthdays..one on the 10th, me on the 11th and another on the 12th...we had a big party at this club we go to....i would put up some photos but....well....they r a little incriminating....lets just say everyone had a good time at the club...afterward we all came back to my place where we finished off a couple bottle of wine i had, played music and when everyone got hungry, i made a dozen eggs complete with cheese and hot sause....
my parents and i went to L.A. on monday...and i was not impressed...maybe i was just not in the right spot in L.A. but i wasnt feelin it...went to see some fam and friends and then drove back home....
my parents left tuesday morning...and i missed them as soon as i got back in the car to head home...my mom gave me 'madea goes to jail' for my b-day and some pics of the fam..i gotta put up the pic of my and my daddy....


---------
im having hair issues...
i really think this extreme heat is messing with my hair...
i noticed my hair was shedding like crazy a few weeks ago and i was worried
so i went and got it trimmed. the woman who trimmed my hair suggested a shampoo/conditioner for dry and damaged hair to give my hair/scalp xtra moisture
she also said to rotate between that shampoo and a clarifying shampoo to reduce build up she also suggested adding a lite oil...
today i washed my hair and i see broken pieces in the middle...and that pissed me offf...
ever sense i lived in atlanta i took pride in knowing how to take care of my hair...i had a real good beautician who taught me a lot about caring for my hair and what i need to do because to keep it looking right..my hair is very thick and not too coarse, i dont have to mess with it too much, it keeps its body for quite a while...i wash it once a week, and only put heat on it once a week and keep it wrapped...i get it trimmed regularly and a relaxer every 3-4 months....half the time i walk out of the house forgetting to comb my hair but all i have to do is run my fingers through it and im good to go....
im trying not to trip on the broken pieces...im just going to get my hair back in shape but this heat and direct sunlight is sooo not cool...in the desert where i live i have been told more than a hundred times to protect my eyes with sun glasses and my skin with sunscreen because the desert intense UVA and UVB rays...but no one said anything to me about my hair...
i was going about my usual routine like i used to do in indiana and i am just now realizing that this different climate means i have to switch it up....
anyone have any hair tips?
im about to go out tomorrow and get a deep condtioner....

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Music Video Codes By Musicjesus.com


i brought my 25th birthday in the right way...dancing on top of a bar with a pretty blue drink in my hand!!
the deal was last night that every time a bobby brown song came on i had to climb up on the bar and dance....i think they played about 4 bobby songs....and i made 12 dollars! HA!...its been a great birthday so far....
going out to lunch soon with a friend....maybe dinner with the girls...i have the whole day to not do a damn thing....i went and got myself a pedicure and an eyebrow wax and treated myself to some new candles and a couple books....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my birthday twin Greg...love you much!!

Im Addicted to BRAVO!

i mean come on..any television station that has the balls to bring



that into your home has to be on to something...

at first i was addicted to UPN and then VH1 but now BRAVO is holding my interests...maybe i have become a reality show whore, but thats okay, i find these people so damn funny...so yes, i am claiming my addictions, and no, i dont want rehab just gimme more of these shows...



i could you not love queer eye...i mean these men make me wanna get up and redecorate or go shopping or something...they can get a little sensational at times but they are fun to watch...


ok, now i thought this show was going to be hella corny...but...i mean i find myself laughing out loud during every show..this woman is just crazy...i mean she just syas whatever she wants...and i think she is pretty talented, she just makes a few notes of what she wants to say on stage and then get out there and almost wings the whole show...and she is funny...


who didnt watch dave chapelle on inside the actors studio? if you didnt u missed a treat...go find it on youtube or something...i watched his 2 hour interview at least 3 times...lipton has some great interviews...


since i dont have much drama in my life, this show def gives me the little bit of drama i crave...i swear i dont know where they get these designer wannabe's and hopetabe's but they are hilarious...

can i get some inspiration?

you know those folks who say they dont watch television, like its beneathe them, or they are too busy, got a life or somthin.....i aint one of them...on my days off if i aint at the mall trying not to buy anything or reading a book im sitting on the couch flippin channels in between naps...
so everyday i get up around 11 a.m. (perk of the job) and i eat, e-mail, talk on the phone and lounge around til noon when "starting over" comes on..you know that sow with iyanla vanzant? basically women come to the starting over house to rebuild there lives and start over...get away from the madness and bullshyt of the past and learn new habits in order to live a fulfilled life...you know im a strong advocate of women doing that they go to do to be happy and love themselves...
so anyway ms. vanzant recited one of her poems to this women who really needed it..and well, i have to post the sucker...cause ive been there...and im sure my time will come again...



YESTERDAY I CRIED
by Iyanla Vanzant

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonoured, disrespected and disconnected...

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had not shown up
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left to do is cry

Yesterday I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mummies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mummies get left, so they get mad...

I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go except deep into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good...
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.

i went crazy at borders...UPDATE

*starting this one tonight!


*starting this one tomorrow night!


*thinking about asking for my money back...and the sucker was WAY discounted...just didnt put me in an erotic mood...i only liked maybe 2 stories, well, maybe one, the one by jessica care moore, she played that one perfectly...anyway, i kept reading hoping it would get better, it didnt!


*his essays "of cannibals" and "of persuasion" are two of my fav....have to get ya pen out for this one and start underlining!


*i want to buy this book for everyone woman in my life...it just reaffirms how great it is to be a black woman, even through all the tribulations that come with life...only one thing i didnt like was the essay by melissa ford!


*umm, for it to be written by zane, it wasnt very sexy to me...i enjoyed it all the way up to the end...where i then proceeded to get mad! i get mad or sad when i end most books, but this one just pissed me off!


*will be starting this one later on this week!

some music is made for memories

i was driving to work the other week after picking up a fish burrito (i guess ive graduated from the fish tacos) and after a long night of hanging out that ended around 6:30 in the morning (my last late night for awhile) when the song "i gotta be" by jagged edge came on...that song took me back to 1999 and my then boyfriend Joe....we met a month before i left for college...we were going to make it work long distance cause we loved each other...ha...we had decided that was going to be our song...and now every time i hear that song i think of him...last time i talked to him he was happily engaged...
as i was weaving in and out of traffic i began creating a list of in my head of songs that take me back to moments and memories....

i had a friend Leedon..she was my GURL from 6th grade til about 10th grade...i remember i had just gotten the "waiting to exhale" soundtrack on TAPE...and we were diggin it...thinking we knew something about exhaling....there was a song on there called "kissing you" by faith...i remember sitting in my dads studio with Leedon, a small boombox between us and we out that song on repeat for HOURS...and we talked about whatever seventh or eigth grade girls talk about...thinking we had some real drama in our lives..HA

my sophmore year of college i was involved with a great guy, we alwyas called him by his last name Maxwell, he was a football player, they were all called by their last names...we had our issues but we were pretty cool...we were so laid back things just rolled smoothly with us...my best friend drea loved him cause he would cook and invite us to eat...sophmore year neither one of us had cars so his roomie would pick me up and id spend my weekend at their place (i hope my mama aint reading this, lol) everytime i hear any song off of Jill Scott's first album i think of Max cause he introduced me to her music...i think of the fun we had goofing off at his place on those weekends, taking pics, going to Fridays to eat...me playing wifey...after almost a year, i finally got tired of playing...but we always remained cool...

senior year of high school i ran around with a group of 6 girls, we did almost evreything together that year...i was closet to shrie...we had such a good time doing typical teen stuff...i love hanging out with her...i was so sheltered and she kinda of help put a crack in my shell...i remember riding around in her car all the time listening to lauryn hill's "ex-factor"...just singing the song like we really knew about heartache...maybe she did, i didnt, but lauryn's voice was so rich with emotion it made me think i knew a little somethin...i can play that song now and forreal relate to the words...

i dated this guy sean my junior year in college...he was this gorgeous guy from louisiana...he was seeing other people, i was seeing other people...okay, maybe dated is the wrong word for what we did...it was kinda hush hush for some reason...basically, i would go out with my girls, he would go out with his people, we would see each other at the same parties sometimes...although we never spoke to each other much...i would get back to my dorm room and pack a bag, he would call and tell me he was out front and we spent the weekend in his dorm room...he had the best dorm room, it was hooked up...i even helped him lay the carpet down, he had black lights, 2 double beds pushed together to create one giant bed which he then covered with a down feather bed and down comforter...it was a pretty plush dorm room once he got through decorating...he a great computer he had built and he had this music program on it which would chop and screw songs...he introduced me to choppin and screwin...he would spend hours doing that while i laid out on his bed reading a book or doing homework...he also introduced me to jazz...mostly coltrane...i bought this cd 'coltrane for lovers'' whenever i hear "in a sentimental mood" i think of sean... we would talk for hours about anything while listening to some jazz...we both had this artistic streak..we would read stuff to each other...its funny cause only a couple of my girls knew about him and i doubt he told many of his boys about me....we hung out my whole junior year...every other weekend i was with him...it didnt end well with us...funny, i still remember his phone number....

G fell into my life last year and made it much more productive with his encouraging words and quick wit...kept me from going out of my mind a few times...a great guy...showed me what a man is all about...he is a kindred spirit...i call him my twin...whenever i hear the song "everytime i go away" by brian mcknight i think of him...he burned the cd for me and i was like thanks...and i listened to it a little...it wasnt until i was taking him to the airport one day and the song came on that i really listened to the words...i dropped him off at the airport that day and played that song repeatedly on the 40 min trip back home..it was a great memory...i tried to get him to make it into a ring tone for me...great memories though...im so glad he is happy now..he def deserves it...

this may sounds kinda cold...but the song "Burn" by usher brings up memories of my ex-boyfriend jason...it was his ring tone for awhile too...until i could get through the pain of our break up....i remember i was in tennesse at my journalism fellowship at vanderbilt...i was there for 3 months..i thought we could last...i really thought i was going to marry this man....my mama did too...she still does...in my mamas eyes he can do no wrong...but the long distance didnt work out...we were good together but apart...not so much...i was experiencing so many new things....i new after this fellowship my life was never going to be the same...and it hasnt been....i remember the week before graduating from my program me and jason finally had "the convo"...i knew it was coming, but i wanted to hold on a pretend i didnt see the signs...he has always been the more "cut to the chase," "lets think realistically about this" one between us...i remember i didnt have a lot of time to cry because i was in the fellowship buliding finishing up a project and had to go to a networking dinner after...but in between that we talked on the phone and it was over...it hurt...but it was for the best...we are still good friends, although we dont speak as much as we used to..whenever i come home he makes sure he stops by to see me...and im proud of him, he has a lot of his plate, he is BUSY being sucessful and i cant be mad at him for that...he had always treated me with the utmost respect and love...

ill finish with my best friend andrea...me and this girl grew up together....granted we met in college...but forreal that is where we both grew up, went through a lot of painful lessons together...a lot of trials and tribs that helped build our character, and gave us our tough skin (and gooey interior,lol)....i cant even explain my love for this girl...she is my sister, no one knows me better, or can put up with me, or put me in my place like she can...and i just feel blessed to have her in my life...me and her have TOO many songs though....the whole r.kelly 12Play album, lol...we used to get DRESSED, get in the car, turn that album all the way up and drive down peachtree...didnt even hit up a club just drove around all night singing (and we cant sing), maybe going out to eat, maybe not...sophmore year, i got the maxwell unplugged album w/ "this womans work"...drea played it on repeat EVERY night, ALL night for quite possibly 2 months...our neighbors actually asked us to play something else...i began to detest the song...i can finally listen to it again now...the whole blueprint album, the chronic 2001 album, jadakiss songs "knock yourself out" and "we gonna make it," juvenile "back that ass up" when she had to literally carry my drunk butt off the floor - i never got drunk again! the song "P.Y.T." by memphis bleek....we would just pop in whatever cd we were feeling and ride almost every weekend for 4 years...drea you bet' not cry when you read this either...i know you! LOL

I went hiking...

...up a mountain....and i swear i will never do it again...
i have monday's and tuesdays off so over the weekdend at work i heard a couple co-workers saying they were gong hiking on tuesday...so i invited myself...we are a close knit group so someone is always inviting themselves somewhere...
now mind you it is about 100 degrees outside (thats actually a cool day) and we get to the mountain at about 3 p.m. instead of starting at the base we drive up a ways to this parking lot...the parking lot is for the tram - u can pay 20 dollars and take a rotating tram car (looks like a glorified, round incased ski lift)up to the toop of the moutain and go hiking on trails up further, or just take pics or the gorgeousness (not a word, i know), there is also a mountain top resturant...i took that trip when i first got here...ill post the pics maybe...
anyway, so me and my 2 co workers park in the lot and decide to trek down and then come back up...the walk down wasnt bad, its all an incline so you can feel it in your shins but its good exercise right...so we get about a mile and half down, wander around a bit then decide to come back up...at about the mile marker i tell the boys to go bring the car down and ill just stay here...but they werent having that...told me to test myself..to build up my endurance...then they tried to really get me...told me that this will help me build my endurance so the next time i have sex i can go all night...i looked at them and told them i dont need to go all night a good 15 minutes is fine with me...they laughed, i was serious...
so we keep climbing...going straight up, the incline was ridiculous, i could feel it in my butt, my thighs, shoot even my arms...my heart was racing...one of the guys told me to put my arms above my head...ummm, i tried but my arms couldnt make it that far..
so we climb some more..they are having a great time...one of the guys does this at least twice a week except he starts at the base goes 3 miles up and then 3 miles back down...oh HELL no...im drinking water, pouring water on my head, on my shirt i woulda pored it down my shorts but the guys woulda loved that too much...
finally we make it back to the car, where i promptly slip into the back seat...
i decided to check out my belly ring, something i do at least 3 times a day...dunno why...but i noticed that it was really red around the area and puffy...since we were driving back down the mountain anyway i tell them to drive downtown so i can go to the piercing shop...which is a few doors down from the bar we all hang out at..so you know where the guys went...so i go get it checked out, they tell me it is fine, nothing is wrong but ill probably have to come back in a couple weeks and get a gold ring...which makes sense..i can only wear gold in my ears or they get irritated so why shouldnt that be true for my belly...the piercing guy tells me for the gold bar its $150 buck but its $60 bucks for the hoop i said "what"...he laughed and says you are an expensive woman, i told him my mama tells me that at least once a week...and im getting the hoop later...
so i walk back down to the bar and take a seat with the boys...now mind you i look A HOT MESS, but im just not caring im happy to be off the mountain...they order beer and hot dogs, i get a smirnoff ice..not the best way to rehydrate, i know...
as we are talking i look out the window and see the cute guy i met last week he is a friend of a co-workers...he has the cutest dimples...so of course i tell the guys that "so-in-so's" friend from last week..oh really, go talk to him...i was like umm, no i look horrible...sooo one of them goes out and invites him in for a drink...damn...it was cool though we talked for almost an hour he is a nice guy...
we left after that and i got my car, went home and hit the shower...after all that i passed out on the couch around 10 and made it to my bed about 11...i got a couple text messages to come hang out but my body was hurting, i couldnt move...
so they want to go up this mountain again next tuesday..i keep saying naw i aint going...but i have a feeling i might end up climbing up the sucker again...my mama thought the idea of me hiking was hilarious...
im sitting at work now, finally got some down time cause it was a busy day...my body HURTS...i need a big bath tub, some epson salt and a massage...

July

i got this email from somewhere that is supposed to tell your personality by the month you were born...this actually describes me pretty well...

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

life in general

i am in the process of editing a book for my aunt..im so glad she hollered at me to do this...she is a psychiatrist and she is writing a small book on bird flu and holistic remedies and prevention...instead of running to the doctor for antibiotics she suggests other methods...i have actually learned a lot about different vitamins and supplements...i gave her my first round of edits, basically just punctuation/grammar type things...(you would never know it by this blog, but im actually great at editing..if i do say so myself...and i do...)i mean i do it for a living, i got to be decent right?...i plan on working on it some more tomorrow before work...she had some questions about what i thought about the flow and format...plus she is paying me $50 and hour so i want to make sure i deserve the money...this is a great opportunity for me because one day i want to get into book editing...so i am thrilled to be doing this...i printed out the book and put it in a binder...i send her the edits over email but i find it easier to grab a pen and highlighter and tackle it old school and then do it on the computer...i grabbed the binder the other day and went to my fav italian joint near my apartment and sat and ate and edited...i think next time ill go to starbucks, a co-worker told me of one that has a great view of the mountains...im feeling all scholarly...
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i went and dropped WAAAAY to much money on some new glasses and contacts the other day...the eye glases i got are Dolce&Gabana - very big splurge, that i really didnt need - but they are too hot...bronze wire frames with the D&G on the side, rectangle shape, not really bulky...they have a hot school teacher kinda flavor...then i got some sunglasses, the sun out here is ridiculous so to be safe i got some perscription sunglasses...and then i got a years supply of contacts..im glad my new eye insurance is so good...it covered over half the costs of all that...
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FITNESS UPDATE: last week i hit the treadmill real hard for about four days...not just walking, my behind was running up the incline setting like i was really on a mountain with some big animal chasing me...it felt good to just sweat like that...so i plan on doing that again this week...i also decided that i need to keep more fruit around so i have been buying strawberries, blackberries and watermelon, cutting them up and putting them in tupperware so i can chill on the couch and watch tv and eat some fruit instead of eating a bowl of homemade cookie dough...
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a few coworkers and i are talking about going to orange county for fourth of july...actually we wanna go july 3rd, so traffic wont be as bad...we wanna go chill at the beach all day and hang out...so we shall see if it happens...
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my parents will be here in about a month..im soo excited, i cant wait..i miss them....their anniversary is next week...36 years of marriage...they were high school sweethearts, they dated for 7 years before they got married so they have been together for 43 years (check my math, i used my fingers but i still have issues)..i think i should get them something for their anniversary...i never have before...maybe a card or sumthin...
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i am putting myself on a budget..this is going to be hard..but i wanna pay off my credit card and start truly saving...since i have been in cali, and began making double the amount i was making in indiana, and ive been pretty trif and careless with my money...just buying random stuff i dont need...like i went and bought 3 bottles of wine the other days...for what? i dont even plan on having anyone over anytime soon...so that means they wont be opened anytime soon..ive also reopened my charge to express..i havent shopped at express for some years...but they dont have a Limited store close by...express has a 22.9% apr...RIDICULOUS...i am paying it totally off whenever i purchase something though so i dont have to pay that...but i dont NEED anything, i have enough clothes so i really didnt need to open it back up...so once i pay this 40 bucks on it, im going to close it again...im really trying to be finanacially responsible...my mama worked hard so that my credit is excellent and im not trying to mess that up...i have a problem recording my debit transactions so im trying to find a way to make myself start doing it...
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started rereading "in search of our mothers gardens" by alice walker...one thing about book full of essays is that each time i open the book i find something new to dwell on....i have been having this dispute with a coworker regarding the use of the word "thick" and losing weight/being skinny/society/dieting...last time we had this discussion i told him i consider myself thick...and he tried to make it seem as if i referred to myself as thick because i have bought into societies obsession with being skinny...he said i am not thick and that thick is just another word for fat...and i was trying to explain that i like the word thick and that i do not think im anywhere near fat and that i am not skinny and dont want to be skinny...i am a nice solid size...he says i look like a women, i have the body of a woman..and i agree with that..i said i am thick, im curvy...and he kept telling me that i was calling myself fat...so we were just going around in circles...i was like dude im not fat, thick is a good thing, i got meat and muscle...but so what does this have to do with alice walker?...well in the beginning of the book she has a quote by bernice reagon, reagon says that in the black community when u talk about a woman "with big legs and big hips and black skin" its a good thing, it is an honor...black women are revered for their shapes...she goes on to say, "the values that(imply)you must be skinny come from another culture...those are not the values that i was given by the women who served as my models. i refuse to be judged by the values of another culture. i am a black woman, and i will stand as best i can in that imagery."

AMEN to that!

love and all that good shyt

so i have been thinking about love again...i mean, i love, love...i love seeing it, i love just feeling the vibes...its around that time of year and a couple friends of mine have gotten married, another has gotten engaged and my coworker just informed us she is preggers....its all love right?...thats wonderful..i love being around couples and people who really love other people...maybe it gives me hope that the world aint so damn bad...maybe i just like the look of love...when two people come together and you see the love between them, you see the closesness, the intimacy they share...i think its a beautiful thing to just look at...to take a step back and just be like "damn that love thing looks so damn good"...

so i was having a convo with derek...a convo about love/soulmates/God/faith...very informative...whats funny is that me "ms. fairytale romantic" told him that i do not believe all a marriage needs to work is love...i think more is needed...i think living off of love is good concept just not realistic...he on the other hand thinks love can conquer all and if two people love each other than can handle anything...and as good as that sounds...i feel its a fairytale thats just too far fetched for me to fathom...i believe in the power of love but i also have known relationships to fold and its not because the love wasnt there but because of other issues...

derek does not totally believe in soulmates, he believes in planning and making a way for yourself with follow-through and action...and i believe in God guiding our every step...i believe God is preparing me and is also preparing me a mate...i have faith in that...i know someone is out there for me...the things i have gone through in my life, the people i have met, the relationships i have formed were all experiences that i needed to go through to make me into a woman who will one day be ready to marry the man that God has ordained for me...and i am under the impression that there is a man out there going through things for the same reason and that one day, when God feels the time is right we will meet...or recconnect...and love will be there...along with all the other things that have shaped us to be compatible...i mean i really do believe in having the complete, wholesome "fairytale" relationship, i just dont beleive it can survive off of love alone..i believe there needs to be compromise, humility and understanding, among other things...

so then i started thinking about a post i wrote last summer when i was in reno handling career business..it along the same lines as the above...it happens to also be a favorite post of mine...

Conclusions...

so i picked up a book at the UNR library the other day and decided to crack it open last night...it was your basic storyline:

...various women characters unsatisfied with their lives and relationships, or lack of, share their stories, trials, tribulations, then somewhere along the way they all have revalations that allow them to pull their lives together....so after they go through the initial drama they all end up on the road to recovery and a few end up with "good men"...

basically its your everyday fairytale wrapped up into a 3 hour read...in other words......some simple FICTION....

but somewhere along the line i got to thinking (i think it was somewhere within one of the male bashing convos) what i realized is that i love hard....i closed the book at 12 sumthin this morning and that phrase popped in my head...i love hard....and then i was like well, ya know, im cool with loving hard and i dont want to change....

now im not naive, although i admit i have been before, i know that by putting my heart out there it can get stomped on, but ya know what, im cool with that, i can dig it....

i realized that i have always loved hard and even if it ended with me being angry, crying, throwin out their shyt - 'cept for a couple real good cd's - in the end i was smarter, stronger, i could still smile, i still loved myself, and i was capable of moving on and loving again....and that holding on to bitterness only holds me back...

now it took time and takes time to heal but tomorrow is not promised and every moment that ticks by is a moment i will never get back...so my plan is to keep myself open to all possibilites and to love hard everytime i get the opportunity and one day someone will come along and love me back just as hard and give of themselves as fully as i give myself...

i have concluded that hindsight is 20/20 - i havent been the best woman i can be in some instances and i have given myself to some toxic men, i have also been toxic and replled/repulsed some men...but ya know, those situations taught me a lot about who i am, who i want to grow to become and what i deserve...and i appreciate the love/lust tussles the i got myself into because they were just preparing me for my future....

okay, so my tangent just got a little crucial...but anyway all im sayin is although the book was a B-, in terms of plot, character development, and writing style, it did make me think and it did help me bring voice to the concusion that i am a firm believer in love and while i might not get the fairytale ending, if i keep loving hard the way i do.....i just might get damn close......

career talk

i am wondering where i am going in my career...am i on a management track or am i just in this for the moment...
i am a copy editor, if i try and go up the latter climbing to slot then news editor to assistant managing editor to managing editor to publisher with various stops in between...well it sounds good in theory, right?

is that what i wanna do...will newspapers still be valuable resources with sales on a decline as a whole within the industry? people get their news from so many different outlets now...people want to get the info fast and want it to be straight to the point...
papers used to to have to reputation of giving the details and indepth converage you cant get anywhere else but this isnt so much the case anymore...you can put the whole story on the web and folks will get it much faster..newspaper is becoming the second day story outlet..not a breaking news outlet...my paper is in this big push to "write for online, update for the paper" which is a toally different thinking...but newspapers now have to compete with online, pod casts, blogs, tv, radio...

which brings me to new media...using all our resources...incorporating more online, blog, not just photos but audio and video, my newspaper is already doing blogs...and i am excited about new media, it is def my generation of things...but with all the sites out there that are not factual but more opinion...well, will they diminish what news is trying to do...will people trust this new way for newspapers to move to? will people be able to differentiate us from the not so quality journalism outlets? so many trust having the newspaper in their hands in order to really believe it but the groups is also dying off...but new media makes much more sense to go...i dunno...it can be a blessing or a curse..we shall soon find out...

as you can see i can talk about newspaper for a good minute...but thats part of learning my craft...this is where i am at in my life and in order to get ahead i gotta keep up with whats going on in the industry...im am blessed to be at a newspaper that is making money, and is at the head of the class in inovation...other papers want to recruit from my paper....being a black woman, being a black woman copy editor in this industry i can go far, there are not many of us, and papers are looking for us...and i have to take advantage of that...i also have to be up on everything..i have to know whats going on and know what im talking about because i am a black woman trying to get ahead...

we had a staff meeting this week talking about the push to do this...so it is runnin around in my head...i told my managing editor i wanted to be a part of this new media turn the paper is taking...he said send me some ideas...so i did..i gave him a couple things i think the paper can do...i hope he can get something from them...

i have this feeling that i need to emerse myself in journalism like i did last summer when i was in reno...in reno i was thrown into copy editing almost 24 hours a day...i was in class 8 hours a day then going back to my dorm room and having to study for 2 to 3 more hours...it was all journalism, all editing all the time..i woke up in the morning 2 hours before class to read the paper and take notes...but its was great...i was learning, i was loving it because it was one of my passions...i came back from my 6 weeks in reno energized...and i used my skills at my job, though not as much as i would have liked...and then 7 months later i get a job as a copy editor and move to cali..and its great...but i think i need to go back get out my book and papers and get back into my zone...i cant be the best unless i push myself to be the best..i cant slack off..i need to focus...i love my coworkers, i love hanging out but i love my job more...

i have been feeling insecure about my abilities to do some things...but i gotta keep going..i wanna work on my headline writing and focus on looking at the big picture within the stories...i can design my ass off, i can find the meat of a story and cut away the xtra to fit the space...but i need to look more, i need to pay attention to the little things that make the big things..and i know this..i ask others that have been at this longer than me about what should i work on..and then i do..but i feel like i gotta go back, retrace my steps and then bring all the knowledge i have in the back of my mind to the front....

and so you know what started this whole rant and rave? a friend of mine told me he thinks its sexy when he hears women handle their business...and i pictured me, glasses at the bridge of my nose, sitting on the floor, papers spread around me, some music and a glass of wine, studying...and i felt sexy...smart is so damn sexy right?


so, while i am clearly devoted to newspaper at this moment..where will i be in a few years? i dont wanna back myself in a corner, i still have dreams of being a book editor, but havent really pursued it....only time will tell i guess...but i sooo believe in keeping my options open...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

he aint the hottest thing to look at but...

this man WORKED ME OUT!!! billy blanks is no joke...im am so sore right now...i picked up a set ot two billy dvd's last year...and i always do the cardio one...and i get a good sweat going, i stop and then i go shower...yesterday i decided to try popping in the fat blaster dvd....i pushed the coffee table back against the couch and i got ready to work out....he waant playin when he named this dvd fat blaster...i thought i was gonna die...i almost stopped but i pushed myself to do 30 minutes...and it felt good...but i didnt stretch afterward so now my hamstrings are sore...guess that means i gotta just go work out some more...
this fitness challenge thing might work afterall...i also think im going to start utilizing the work out room in my complex...i picked up Fitness magazine and it had this great 30 min treadmill routine...mainly it involves getting your stamina up...intervals of hills and spurts of running....so i have it book marked..maybe ill post the workour later...
i also subscribed to shape magazine..i really like the mag, ive been buying it off the stands for almost a year so might as well get it sent to my house...its cheaper and more convenient...

oh...and i got some more pics...this time of cali, where i moved...my mom wanted to see where i worked so i took some pics of the grounds from the balcony i always go out to to talk on my phone...



this is the nice little pond that near the front of the building...



this is the view off one of the balconies looking onto another balcony with the palm trees in the middle...



this is another balcony...the building has A LOT of balconies...

there are more but i havent gotten them out of my phone yet...but i just love the trees, its peaceful, so i just come out here when i need a break from work and sit and relax...or if i get to work early ill pull out a book or keep yapping on the phone...

Adina!!!

Music Video Codes By Musicjesus.com


i posted this on my myspace page...so now i am posting it here....i used to love this song...i love the video too...i think her eye makeup could be toned down a little bit but other than that i am diggin it....

im was wondering if i wanna be more like janet jackson or adina when i grow up...and while i do like adina...janet won that mental toss up...i just love janet...so with that decision out of the way i can now concentrate on other things like work and bills and all that...

my week is shaping up to be slightly busy...my writing group is meeting at my house for lunch on wednesday, and i havent written anything new...and i told them i would make lunch...i am trying to figure out a nice healthy menu...i have to clean up my apartment too..the last few days i let it go..and it looks a mess...i did finally decide on how i want to decorate my bathroom...but, i decided id wait until my next paycheck instead of charging it up on my visa....
anyway, i have online training at work and a new employee meeting...fun...right...

no fitness update today...except just to say ive been eating more fruits and veggies...and not so much bread...and i LOVE bread...

oh, and as you can see i changed my template....and all my blog links got erased...gimme a min to get them back up...

FITNESS UPDATE

IM FAILING MISERABLY!!!!

ok, so i did some tae bo this week...and it kicked my ass...

and so i sat my ass down....and just watched billy an 'nem jump around for a little while...

and although i think i did very well on the diet side of things....cept for a couple starbucks trips i didnt need to make...but i did get my moachas non fat w/ lite whip...

i had salads for lunch...i ate too much bread....but my issue is that i think i had a glass or two of wine almost every night after work...i cant help...so im chillin on that...slowing down...i dont need that...the other day at work i was so dehydrated i was light headed and nautious, too much caffine not enough water...i think its because i got out after work or over someone place almost every night and we always open up a bottle of wine and have some food...

thats another thing..i need to stop eating so late...i work 3:30 to midnight, wed-sun...and i just dont know how to make time for dinner...im on deadline til 10:30 so i cant leave the newsroom cause i am busy editing...i know from my blog u cant tell im an editor but this is my outlet, i dont need to be Ms. AP style on here...anyway...here is my routine..i need advice on how to get in a groove of not eating so late in the evening...

i wake up around 11 a.m. i chill around the house, try and exercise or go run errands, around 2:30 p.m. i eat breakfast/lunch...then i go to work...at work i drink tea, or water, on occasion i have a coke...if someone decided to make a run i will have fish tacos or pizza around 8 p.m....if no one makes a run i dont eat until i get off at midnight...sometimes i go straight to the bar and have a smirnoff ice and then some water, so i dont eat...depending on how the night goes i get in bed between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m.

(on those real late nights, we meet up and talk at someones house...those are very creative nights...the last one consisted of wine, brie, crackers, dancing, poetry, politics...and well i didnt get home til 7:30 the next morning)

i cant figure out a way to cook myself dinner because im always doing something even when im around the house, im paying bills, or getting dressed, or cleaning up...any suggestions?

i need a routine i can stick to thats healthier...

im going to try and use my time more wisely...ive been staying away from the bar...its bad when the bartender knows me, the patrons know me, my co workers just expect me to be there...and im tired...im not a drinker...and i dont want to become one...

ive been going over my girls house and hanging out, we cook on tuesdays and invite everyone over to eat...and i have my writing group, i still need to write my story...im trying to stay active outside of the bar scene...

anyway..thats been this weeks fitness update...i swear im doing tae bo tomorrow, i like that way it makes me feels when i go at it hard and get sweaty...(shaadup u nasty folks)....derek is being a very good motivator...he is staying on me - almost daily about exercising...he is running everyday and lifting so i know i can do something...

okay ladies, how are you guys doing?